In Law Troubles

I had the same issue...still do sometimes...I jsut stopped going over...I went over when it was CONVENIENT for me.....and eventually comments were made and i addressed them...I told them that I wanted to teach my daughter that relationsihps were not one sided...and that means family relationships as well...being family doesnt not give peeople AUTOMATIC familiarity/rights..and if my child was to be comfortable them they had to make attempts at developing a relationship..and that meant meeting her half way...leaving her with them was like leaving her with a stranger...so I wouldnt do it. I brought it to my husbands attention, at first he was resistant..but then he saw how my mom even got her drivers license so that she could see her granddaughter...he saw how my mom called my daughter and sent notes in the mail to her...and agreed that I didnt have to go out of my way for his mother and that she needed to motivated.

Children learn about healthy relationships watching their parents. I want her to know that she shouldnt have to work so hard for someone to show her love....

They still dont come over alot, but they have started to call more, and have made attempts to reach out to her more lately.

you should not have to look for love for your child..even from family.... they way I look at it - it is realy THEIR loss.

PS - as the kid gets older, everyone starts to show more interest since they can interact with the kid....

I have! If you read my post below about my mother in law you will get the picuture of the type of person that she is. She only complains of not seeing him when my mother has JUST left(which is abou2-3 times a year b/c my mom lives out of state.). I would not even pay it any mind. I am sure that you child is awash with love!

I have had the saem experience with my in-laws. My son is almost 3 years old and they've seen him maybe 5 times. They live about 2 hours away, but they are always up here visiting their friends who live FIVE BLOCKS AWAY and they never drop over, even for a few minutes. Because of this, we won't visit them at their house (aside for the fact that a toddler in the car for 2 hours each way is torture). When we do see them, my son has no idea who they are, and when my mother in law says, "It's Grandma!", he just gives her a look like, no way, you're not my Grandma. It's not normal at all, but it is the way these people are. When my husband was in the hospital for a week having an operation, none of them even came up to visit or asked if they could help. Very self-involved people. Hang in there, and try not to be bothered by it. Hopefully your own family is loving and supportive.

my inlaws live a few blocks away from us. they never come here or invite us there, but EVERY sunday, they go to DH's brother's house in Jersey. his brother also has 2 kids for a total of 4 grandchildren, but it is sooo obvious the favoritism that is played constantly. my inlaws were away for a week. my DH went there everyday to take in the mail, water the grass, etc. they came home monday and have not called over once to see how the kids are or say thank you-- nothing. also, befre tehy left to come home, they got into a car accident. my DH had to find out from his sister, but I bet they called their other son right away. oh, and today is sunday, so i bet they are over there again. we want to move out of state when my DH retires and they always give us grief saying they will never see us, we will be too far away. but i feel like "hey,. we never see you now so what's the difference???"
so, no, your inlaws behavior is NOT normal, but it is common. especially in our family...

sadly, this is the way some people just ARE! i happen to live with my in-laws. my FIL loves to see my daughter (17months) but can't just come downstairs and get her as he's bed-ridden, so my husband (and sometimes myself) bring her up to see him. my MIL on the other hand is different. she goes through bouts where she doesn't see her just about all week, and when she does come down to get something, or do laundry, etc., she will actually try to avoid my daughter (by calling 1st to see if she's sleeping, or sneak down and "hide" in the stairway so she can't see her). she says it's because she's busy, but alot of the time, she just sits around, watching tv, or whatnot. the other day (for the 1st time since my daughter was 3-5 months old) she kept 'taking' her throughout the day (but it was because the day before i had a small breakdown and just couldn't handle it anymore because my daughter has been waking for the day between 2:30-4am and it's just TOO MUCH on me!). my mother sees my MIL weekly, and asks me why she always lies and says she hardly sees the baby, but i have to explain to her that she really doesn't see her that much. now like you, my mother can't understand how someone (ESPECIALLY A GRANDPARENT) who lives SO CLOSE can go without spending as much time as possible with the child (before they grow up and want nothing to do with them because they have their own friends). now while this probably won't help, it may at least make you feel a little better, everyone who has responded has said that they are dealing with the same kind of situation as you...so you're NOT alone on this one. you just have to realize that some people just don't care, or just can't be bothered. it's THEM, NOT YOU! good luck, and try to hang in there. at least they're not avoiding your son and making him cry when he sees them and they try to just walk past him (like my MIL sometimes does with my daughter).

it sounds like your inlaws love their grandchild in their own way, which may not be the way you would show your affection. it sounds like they are quite present with your son whenever they ARE with him... this is a great blessing. to me, it sounds like you have certain expectations about how "grandparent" behaves and they're not living up to it. drop the expectations. accept them on their terms. if you simply want more contact with them (or want your son to have more contact with them) or if it really bugs you then broach the topic with them and see how that unfolds. but this way of showing their love may be THEIR norm and therefore all they're up for.

Isn't family just wonderful. My inlaws are the same. My father in law is remarried with twins (yeah--crazy old man in 60's with twins 6 months older than my 3 yr old son)....so he never sees his grandchildren. My mother in law lives 10 mins away and god bless her soul she does love her grandkids but she doesnt volunteer to come see them or take them out unless we ask or suggest it. If we never called her or invited her over she would only see the kids on holidays or birthdays. It frustrates me because my kids love her but she needs an invitation to spend time with them.

My mom on the other hand, is 72yrs old, doesnt drive or speak english and she voluntarily watched my kids until kindergarten and while in pre-K. She refused money and always does things for my kids. Granted she doesnt drive so she does rely on us to bring the kids or bring her to our house, but the relationship is just different. She makes special dinners for the grandkids and sends it home with them because she knows they love it. When she does watch my kids, even if she is on her death bed sick, she wont tell us and she will watch them anyhow.....my mother-in-law wont take a sick day from work to help us out in emergencies but will take a sick day just because she doesnt feel like driving to work in the rain.

As I say my mother in law is unreliable...she loves us but has a funny way of showing it.
I can totally relate. Don't pay much mind to them....just make sure your son loves his grandparents and when he grow ups he will realize whats going on for himself.
Good Luck

Linda
www.wah4yourfamily.com

I just dont get it....

UH, I have the same thing. I loved my Mother in law, and unfortunately she passed almost a year ago. When she was alive, I would take my son there since she couldn't get around. My problem is with my sister in law. I just don't get it. I mean she's a mother herself. She has a teenage son, and is a single mother. She relies on my husband to be the male influence in her son's life, and she lives about 10 minutes away. Well, she sees my son just on holidays and if she comes by because she needs something (like to borrow the camcorder. I just don't get it.... She's right there when she needs something, calls and acts like nothing is out of the ordinary. She asked me if my son was walking months after he had started. Thinking about the situation gets me so upset, and my husband sees it too but what are we going to do. I can't force people to want to spend time with us. I'm glad to hear it's not just me, though it doesn't make your situation better either. I think in general people who act like that are somewhat jealous, and they don't know how to act.

Hi

If its an consolation my mother in law is the same way. Just not interested. Says she is, but never visits, even when she's driving by. Never calls to talk to him (he's three now) Even when we go there she'll engage him really intensely for a short period and then she's had enough. He still wants to play with her and asks about her so its a little sad, but I can't hold it against her- that's just the way she is and otherwise she's very caring, generally speaking. I think she's just not into kids. She's the same way with her daughter's kids. I don't think she sees it that way though- I think if you asked her she'd say she puts in a lot of effort. I think we adore our own kids so much we can't understand why other people don't feel the same way.

I have the same thing too. My daughter just turned 2yrs old last week and its still the same. They eat up their other grandaughter (their daughters daughter) she is 13 yrs old now. They see her all the time and talk to her everyday. they also buy her soo much. They always had to be more of a parent too her so I suppose it may be different. But it still drives me crazy.
I have had several talks with my inlaws abotu this. It doesnt change. If we bring her to them, and evrytime they see her at family outings, she is the world to them. They talk abotu her Soo much to everyone else, as if they see her all the time. The rest of the family adn thier friends always comment on what great grandparents they must be! But in reality we see them mayeb once a month and they dont call or ask to come see her, and we live about 8-10 minutes away. It drives me crazy sometimes! I also look at it as, they are less in my hair though too and in my business.i have come now to just say whatver this is the way they are and it is and be lucky i have my family who is soo involved and there for us! Sorry if my response is a little here and there, I just threw together quicks thought of it cause I have the same thing!!

Hi L.,
I am in the same boat. My mother in law is ONE MILE down the road and she has come up to visit my 11 month old daughter ONCE in the last 7 months. She has visited maybe 4 times this whole year and never for more then 15 minutes. We invite her over all the time for dinner, but in the end we always have to go to her and then she complains that she never gets to see the baby. OUr daughter used to actually cry when she saw her because she was a complete stranger, although my daughter is starting to get better about her. I did talk to my FIL about it and that resulted in my MIL's one visit. I don't really have any advice...but I understand how frustrating it can be!

Best of Luck,
M.

Have you invited them over to your house? Have you talked to them about wanting them to cover over since they are not too far away? I am 6 months pregnant. My mom lives about 45 minutes away and I know she will come over after the baby is born, but without an invitation, the next time I'll see her (if I don't go to her house) is at my son's high school graduation. I also know that my mom would not childproof her house for my child and her house is very cluttered. Sometimes you can't change people and you just live with what you have, but maybe they just need an invitation?