I Wish I Had More... More Patience, More Time, More Me

I am so sorry. I get it! It is tough juggling the morning routine and that feeling of "its my responsibility, but I HAVE to go!!"

Two options: 1.You can shift it and write down what you can feasibly do in, let's say 30 minutes, then you go get ready and wake hubby up on the way into the shower. - however, I think you have tried this and hubster has good intentions, but no follow through.

2. You can pull the stark raving crazy b^*% mode.
Don't you judge me - I'm Italian (lol) and when I hit this mode after going through all the other rational steps, my husband has enough sense to kick it into gear. And it goes a little something like this. .. running into bedroom, flip on lights and hisss "oh my gosh, I am dying out there. G spit up, D hasn't eaten and I haven't even had a shower. Please, GET UP NOW!!!" followed by some pulling off of covers and flying into the shower as the kids are crying. Later, after all is calmed (night time) I tell my husband I am sorry for acting a fool, but i can't do it all and when it gets too hard, I lose it. I need help. Please help me so I don't have to be that crazy person.
He helps .. . . until next time;)

Seriously, you need to tell him how much it is killing you in the AM. However he will really listen AND change his actions to match his verbal support.

i totally understand you feeling guilty just leaving the house without doing anything to help the kids get ready.. but like you said youre the one that needs to be at work early so your husband should be taking most of the morning responsibility.. if i were you i would pick ONE thing in the morning that will be your responsibility and leave the rest to hubby.. whats the first thing your kids do, eat? .. if i were you id continue your normal routine, you get up at your normal time,do what you have to do before the kids get up, feed them and then get yourself ready to go.. tell you husband youre not going to abandon him in the morning but you need to share the responsibilities, if you are doing whatever the first thing it is in the morning that your kids need then your husband still has extra time to wake up and get out of bed before its his turn and you will still have time for yourself to get ready.. just tell him, im going to make sure the kids are fed in the morning, you need to dress them and get them ready to leave

I wasn't a morning person, ether. I worked afternoons before I quit to stay home with my first. Babies are morning people! They were my work and they required me to be a morning person. I have two sons and were they in your situation I would be kicking butt and takin names!

So sorry about his back problems. My H has back problems, too. There are so many people in worse physical shape who manage to be productive part of their families. I get there are times it is physically impossible for him to help but that's not in your post. I do get the feeling of your frustration and exhaustion.

When my H was at work an the kids were little. Everything was my job. That day I did all the morning chaos and all the night chaos. It was hard but it was my contribution to my family. Guys make terrible wives!

You are stressed and probably a bit unrealistic in what has to be done, right now. Women have a standard that most men will never live up to, but deserve the chance to try.

Tell your H that the schedule you have right now doesn't work. Getting up in the morning and taking charge is what you need. You are stretched to the limit and the next thing to go may be you. He probably doesn't have a clue. Set his alarm in the mornings 30 mins before he needs to get up. Let it annoy the heck out of him. If he gets up earlier then he might actually go to sleep at night, reseting his rhythms. Make a routine chart. If they make it out the door on time and fed and dressed, call it done. You could do a better job than him but not at the expense of your health and sanity.

Its so funny you write this as I am sure many of us could vent with a similar situation.

For me, I woke up ahead of the kids and hubby even though my husband has the day off. I got the kids dressed. I did their hair. Packed their lunches. With my suggestion my husband did poor a bowl of cereal for them, but mainly because I was in the shower and I couldn't do it. (I usually take them at night but knew he'd be home to help) Then when they finally were done with all that my 5 year old was mad because her dad was trying to get her to wear shoes after I had suggested she wear boots. I overheard her say "Mommy said I have to wear boots and she was going to help me put them on" in a crying voice. I swooped in and helped her put her boots on. They left the house and I finished getting ready for work....

Anyway, I think some people are just better at establishing routines and working within the routine. I think some dads and probably moms wing it therefor the kids are not sure what is happening next and things get stressful. I suggest you start to get into a routine if you haven't already and let your husband help establish that routine. That way EVERYONE is in on the routine and it won't be a surprise for anyone if/when you change jobs. Good luck! Life can be overwhelming at times but just try to take it one day at a time.

I have no great advice but just want to say hang in there Mama. It will get better! You sound like a great mom who is doing whatever she can to help her family!

Wow Sis. Can you take off a view months and be a SAHM? Thats a lot of young kids at home. I feel for you. Now that I am older--I now wish I had stayed home with my son his first 5 years. I could have saved the family money on the second car, the gas, and my professional wardrobe--it would have off set my wages.

Hi C. C. I'm sure your situation seems like it will never end, but things will get better. You have every right to feel the way that you do. Sounds like you really need a break. Taking a little time for yourself (an hour or 4 :-) doesn't make you a bad mom. If you are happy and stress free, your family will be also. Take care of yourself so that you will be able to take care of your family. I hope this helps you.

Tell him that while you realize he's not a morning person, you can't keep going with the way things are. Come up with a game plan that works for both of you (not just him). What seems obvious to me is that if he's not a morning person and can't go to sleep at night, maybe he can stay up and handle the picking up and straightening up so when you get up in the morning you can get yourself ready. He could also get the kids stuff ready for morning to help you in the morning even if he isn't up. If he's home with the kids, why do you need to get them ready before you leave?

Since you are the one that needs to be at work by 8AM to make the MONEY, your husband can help make that happen by getting out of bed and taking care of the kids. I'm not saying he has to do everything, but if you're stressed and wondering if you're going to be able to get to work on time, it sounds like he needs to do more. Saying and doing are two different things. It will be hard for you but the first thing I would try is to just stop helping. Let him get the kids fed, dressed and to school on time...he may fail a few times and be late for everything but let him, he needs to so he can see what it takes and make changes to his morning routine. And "not a morning person"?! ...don't make excuses for him, he has kids now who need to be dealt with in the morning. Tell him to go to bed earlier, if he can't sleep it's probably because he's sleeping too late in the morning from staying up too late. I'm sure he's a great husband, just needs a bit of a wake up call.

Sorry you are having such a tough morning...

I would recommend you reassess what you do on the mornings that YOU go to work. Personally, I would only get myself ready in the mornings and leave the rest to dear hubby. Give your kids a big hug and kiss and a bowl of cereal. I would not be changing them out of PJs or anything. Put PBS on and take a shower girlfriend. Leave the morning to him, as that is your arrangement.

Then go to work and be less stressed about having done it all at home

Sending you <hugs> !!!
The only advice I have is you NEED to get your husband on board with the morning routine. I'm sorry he is not a morning person (neither am I!) but being a parent means you DON"T HAVE A CHOICE. Parents have responsibilities, they don't get to sleep in just because it's "hard" to get going in the morning. He needs to man up. If he has a hard time sleeping at night maybe he should get some medication for it.
Sorry, that turned into a little mini vent of my own, but seriously, you need to have higher expectations. He is your partner, a full grown man and the father of your children, he needs to step it up. Do NOT feel guilty about getting up and going to work and expecting your husband to get up and act like a man and a father!
And remember, if you continue to do it all, nothing will change. It's ultimately up to you momma!

If you take this new job - it's a good time for you and hubby to "reaccess' the morning routine. You said you clean up the in the morning -I do that at night. You need just get yourself ready and out the door. My lunch and kids lunches are made the night before. Clothes are picked out and laid out the night before. If your baby gets up- I'd change diaper and feed - but no more. I'm sorry your hubby isn't a morning person, but you know what, neither am I but I have to do what has to be done. Throw the little ones in bed with him "morning sweetie, can you take her, I gotta go".

And I'm sorry to say, you have to do everything in the morning because you do it!! If you don't do it, he will have to. My hubby included, will let me do whatever I will do when it comes to kids. I finally started asking him and he'll do it . . . funny thing about some men (not all I understand) but they don't seem to "see" what needs to be done. So I ask.

I hear you and know it can be frustrating. My oldest is 15 when she was in elementary school, I still picked out and organized her clothes and hair bows, socks and shoes. 8 years later came along my second daughter - by 4 or 5 she was wearing what she picked out. Now I have a 12 month old - she's lucky if she has shoes on!! It's not that I don't care less about the last two, it's that I realized that's not what's important. My house is not as organized as I'd like, it's clean, but like right now, my sewing stuff is a mess - one day I'll get to it. It's can't all be done.

good luck!!

Give your husband a written list of what you have to do each morning and evening to get everyone ready (including yourself) and prepared for the day and night. Show him so he can see what all is on your plate in addition to your work schedule. Men don't get the big picture because they usually aren't the ones doing it all. SHOW him, and ask him to pick a few of the things and take them on so you won't become the angry stressed wife and mom!

I'm sorry he's not a morning person, and maybe some of the things on the list could be done the night before, but he needs to help you out and if that means getting his booty out of bed, then so be it. Maybe he should bathe the kids while you cook or vice versa. You can put them to bed, and he cleans the kitchen. Become a team.

Since he's working less, he should bear more of the duties, even if he pulls more weight with the financial and benefits side. He's obviously home more, so he has to take on more responsibility there. That is FAIR. Show him in black and white, and see what he says. Betcha he has no clue how much truly is on your plate and how overwhelming it actually looks when written down.

Good luck!

Pick up a copy of Cheryl Richardson's "The Art of Extreme Self-Care." and spend 5 minutes a day reading it. She has amazing information about the vital importance of learning self-care and how to create it in your chaotic life.

Also extremely important is to learn to communicate openly, clearly, and directly with your husband. You may not realize you are expecting him to just get what is going on for you or you may be hinting or beating around the bush instead and he isn't picking up on the hints. Or you may be waiting until you are fed up and then your words come out as blame and accusations and he just tunes you out. Sitting down with him when you are both calm and explaining directly how you are feeling and what you are experiencing can really support you.