I Fee like Such a Bad Mom. (Long but I Need to Vent)

You're not the only one in that boat. I feel bad sometimes joggling both my kids. Who do I give priority first. The preschool one with all his stories or the baby with his need. Either one I try to spend time with always have the other one crying or wanting something. It gets frustrating. What I would do is take 30 mins of the TV time and put the housework on hold (it will always be there), plan a list of activities to do in each of those 30 mins, put on a calendar if you wish, and then focus on that each day. You will feel like you are accomplishing something and in control.

Every mom feels like they don't do enough. And I think we all feel like bad moms at some point (doesn't mean we are!) - my only suggestion would be if it is possible to cut down working so much.

Talk, talk talk to her, ask her to help you with laundry, mine love to help put the clothes into the washer, then the dryer then the basket and my 3yr old can put her clothes away, not neatly of course, but it gets done. Watch TV WITH her while you are folding laundry, and talk about it-watch Dora not Spongebob! PBS is all educational stuff, when the characters ask a question encourage her to answer and play with her. There are a plethora of short books that help teach colors, shapes, letters, etc... While you are cooking sit her at the table with paint, markers or crayons, stickers, any art supplies are good. Don't be afraid of a mess-its part of having kids. Take a day a week to go to the park or the library or the pool as the weather is getting warm. You can give her a rag or feather duster and let her go nuts dusting every surface she can reach, when its time to vacuum tease her,
"whatever is still on the floor when I vacuum with be sucked up", my kids start picking up their clothes like crazy, let her help you make the beds. I would highly encourage you to eat together as a family!!! And really it takes you an hour to make lunch and dinner?? Find some ways to streamline that time! I didn't notice nap time in there? Take 15-20 minutes several times a day to sit with her and do a puzzle, show her what her name looks like and tell her the letters, read to her. I know this is a bunch of information, but if you keep it up it gets to be a natural part of your day. You can do this! The mess will wait, at least mine do! ha ha. God bless you as you try to make this change for your little girl!

Well good for you for wanting to make a change.

I think the best thing you can do for her right now is turn off the TV, turn on music and let her help you with the stuff that you're doing around the house. Take a 10 minute break each hour to give her focused attention and see if you can get her started on a little project (doing puzzles, shape sorting, coloring etc), then go back to what you were doing. I make it a point to take my son to story time at the library once a week. It's really good for them and is typically only 30 minutes but she'll learn a lot and you'll have an opportunity to check out books for her that are shorter and possibly more interesting. Don't stress her learning HOW to read and trace letters, that stuff will come with preschool but you do need to allow her to explore and play. If you have a TV kid, you'll probably have a hard time turning it off. So, rent a couple DVDs that are music and ocean videos or scenes from around the world and put that on instead. She'll either find it interesting and ask questions (learning!) or she'll ignore it and move onto playing (learning!). :)

Lastly, put all the housecleaning last. You will never regret having a dirty house but you may regret not spending quality time with your daughter. It's only a few years!

Best of luck to you!
T.

We are constantly in the kitchen/family room area and throughout the day I will put a plastic tablecloth down and put the kids at the table with coloring books, stickers, stamps, paper, a white board book so my 3 1/2 yr old can trace letters and numbers. They have fun and I keep an eye on them while doing dishes, cooking, etc. The latest my 2 love to do is to stand on a chair in front of the island and watch me make food.

I don't always get to do this and the days go by so quick that some days it seams like they don't get that much interaction.

At least your little one doesn't get up until 9, I would love that. Mine are up between 630-730 every morning. Not always both, but usually one of them is up early.

The other moms are right, don't be so hard on yourself. Being a parent is hardwork and don't let anyone tell you any different. Look into story hour at the library. If your work is texts, then you can sit quietly while your DD listens to a story with lots of other kids. Look for opportunities to teach while you go about your daily work. At the grocery store, pick up an apple, what letter does apple start with? A, that's right. Look at the signs around your neighborhood and ask her to tell you the letters she sees. Not read it, but basic letter recognition. Make sure you give your daughter "mini-chores" around the house (eg trash from bathroom, sweeping, wiping the bottom cupboards, etc.). These are all learning experiences. While at the library, find short picture books and sit down with her 4 or 5 times a day to "read". You may not actually read the story. A great skill would be for her to tell you what's going on in the picture and have her tell you a story. Books, reading, books, reading. This is key to your daughter's language development and helps with organizing thought processes. Puzzles, blocks, drawing, dolls, dress up, cars. These are all great imagination builders. Don't worry to much about academics at this point. You'll find moms and dads that are absolutely obsessed with academic achievement that they don't see that their children are underdeveloped in other aspects of their lives. I don't know how many people I went to college with that could get straight As in biochemistry, but couldn't hold a conversation with a classmate.
Do your best, that is all anyone can ask. And I agree, take some vitamins.
S.

It would be great if instead of making the bed, you all went outside and let her play. Riding a trike, swinging, having races, throwing a ball, sidewalk chalk.

Pick a day to mop, A day to clean the bathroom. Allow only an hour to get it done, if you don;t do it the next day.

Laundry should be an ongoing activity. In the morning throw a load in, at night, throw it into the dryer, repeat the next day or every other day.

You could also make a lunch and take it to the park in the morning. Let her play out there and then eat the lunch as a picnic and then come back home.

When you make a grocery list, let your daught make her "Own list". Have her scribble notes for milk, bread cereal.. Then at the store have her "remiind you" what you are looking for. Explain to her which milk you all use. My daughter used to say, we need the "big blue milk." This meant the gallon just with the blue label. We need the "orange bread" Whole wheat bread with the orange bag. Our daughter has always been an artist, before she could write, she would draw a grocery list. She could decipher it so it worked great..

As we went down the aisle, I would ask her what is on the next aisle? She would say, Rice! Or Cans! Cereals! Before we got there I would ask her what will we need to look for? And she could give me a quick reminder.. She was a great helper.

When you prepare dinner, prepare double and freeze half for another day. Eventually, it will become second nature and you are going to be able to skip cooking some afternoons or evenings for more outside play time.

Have your daughter also work on her fine motor skills. Roll little balls of playdo or cookie dough. Have her pick up clothes off of the floor with a cloths pin, Have her button the shirts after they have been washed and dried. Have her put together pairs of socks. Have her carry the clothes to the correct bedrooms, let her help you put them in the correct drawers.

Just have her be your little helper and ask her "to help you". She will learn a lot.

Hi J.,
Don't worry/compare her abilities to other children unless you are concerned that there is something very wrong, in which case talk to the doctor. Otherwise, rest assured that there is huge variation in capabilities up through first grade, and some perfectly normal kids don't show interest in reading until late in that period.
My overall impression is that you are alone with her and inside the vast majority of the time. You need to go outside and find other kids. This will be so much easier now that it is springtime. She needs playdates and you need some company and you both need some sunshine. Let the cooking and cleaning slide if need be.
Have a great spring,
K.

Don't be so hard on yourself! You'd be amazed at how much she is learning by just being with you. Maybe you could include her while you make meals. Kids love to help! If you are really concerned about her speech then have her evaluated by an early intervention specialist. Where we live it is paid for by the local school district and they will come to your house. Lots of luck to you and all the best!

Hey J. -

It sounds like you are are in need of a few good mom friends. You are in the right place online! Hopefully you have older women around you who can help you and advise you. The "seasoned moms" in my life are irreplaceable to me... I have learned so much from them.

Being a Mom is exhausting, thats for sure. Three year olds ESPECIALLY are draining because they are still quite needy and dependent... but are also learning to be independent - not to mention the constant chatter! What I'm trying to say is that I understand how tiring it is. I am asleep before the news comes on at night. Sometimes I think I could go to bed at 7 and sleep through the entire night if left alone! This will all pass.

I am going to tell you the truth. To me, it sounds like you already know what the problems are. You said you knew she was behind in speech, that she watches too much TV and that you are too tired to be very consistent with teaching her letters, numbers and reading to her.

These are skills that are going to be required of her in everyday life, as well as preschool. Teaching her letters, numbers, how to clean up, how to tie her shoes, how to change clothes, how to go potty, how to put dirty clothes away.... how to speak politely and how to use the proper words for things.... how to sit still for a book, how to use silverware and how to wash her hands the right way.... this is your job. If you don't teach her these things, she will be seriously lacking in her foundations for learning.

What I mean is... she won't have much to build on. This is quite a vicious domino effect. What happens eventually is she learns to cut corners and be lazy. She won't wash her hands. She won't be very polite. She won't speak well. She will inevitably take longer to learn her alphabet... therefore she will inevitably need more time to learn to read... which can lead to her hating reading... which in turn will teach her not to study. Do you see the ripple effect? I hate to sound dramatic, but its important that you understand the bigger picture.

My solution? Take a multivitamin with breakfast and also a B-6 supplement (it will give you more energy). Eat more proteins and less sugars. Put post-it notes up around common areas in your home that you will see with encouraging phrases on them if you have to - or little reminders - anything to tell yourself to go and do something with her.

Schedule your TV's "On" time and "Off" time. For example - my TV is "On" from 6:30 am - 8:30 am. My husband and I have breakfast and watch the news and then cartoons are allowed after that until 8:30 or after I have finished cleaning the kitchen up from breakfast. ITs then "Off" until 3 pm. At 3 pm, I turn it on for the boys for one hour and they may watch a movie or they may watch 2 cartoon segments, their choice. At 4 pm I watch Oprah and start cooking dinner and the boys go outside to play. When Oprah goes off, so does the TV and I finish dinner. We eat. We hang out and play. Boys go to bat hand bed.

Sounds rigid - I know. But I also know that they aren't spending too much time in front of it. They are learning by default when the TV is off - they have to talk to each other and to me, and play games and color and paint or clean up their rooms, not to mention doing school (we homeschool.)

Write yourself out a family schedule. Stick to it. What will you and your family be doing from Wake to Sleep each day? Try hour by hour. Then take the day in segments. Schedule yourself for a nap. Don't over-do it, or you will give up. But change something, because if you do not - all of your worries and fears will be real. She WILL be slower than other kids. It WILL affect her learning. You are RIGHT to feel badly about it but its okay because you can change it! And when you do, you will be shocked at how much she catches on!

You are a terrible mother! Ok, just kidding. My kid is behind on speech too. His dad was terribly sick when he was born and he wanted to spend time with him so they watched movies. He gets free preschool for it here, you might look into that, and they work with him - mainly by playing with him and involving him with other kids. They have recommended sign language, as that helps children learn to talk faster, but I haven't done much. He knows a few signs and some of the alphabet if I help him. Honestly, how do you do sign language and wash dishes by hand at the same time? Anyways, we just squeeze stuff in where we can. You'll find a lot of kids are speech delayed, and sometimes when I'm around a child who is not, I'm not sure I really want a child who can tell me off so eloquently. Well good luck, hang in there!

She's 3! not 13! sure less TV would be great, but survival is survival. does she like to color/do art stuff? make a little desk area for her to just create without destroying and let her go at it. have her help with the housework instead of watching tv, even if it takes longer. set up a play area near your work area if feasable and let her play instead of watching tv. i'm assuming she's not watching violent cartoons that are teaching her to take over the world, instead things like colors and sharing. so some of it will rub off on her! there are great DVDs at the library that teaches skills and hold attention.

at the end of the day, preschool is about beginning to learn, not having learned everything already. relax a bit on this one.

All I can suggest is that you examine your priorities and determine whether your dream of parenting when you became pregnant is anywhere close to what you have now.

You only get one go at life, and one chance to be the mom you want when a child is young. This is your chance, right now. Tomorrow will be too late to get today back. Next year will be too late to get this year back.

Your sketch of your work day is puzzling to me. Are you setting your own hours, or are you on somebody else's timeclock? If you are the one determining how long and what hours you work, look at ways to streamline your life and your financial needs so you can spend more time with your little girl. She deserves that, and so do you.

To improve her speaking, have conversations with her over meals, let her help you in the kitchen, and give her little fun jobs when you're doing housework so she can be working alongside you. Kids that young usually think grownup work is fun, and want to be part of it. The work may not get done perfectly, but will you even remember dust in the corners when your daughter is graduating from high school? Or will you be regretting the opportunities you missed?

There are lots of good children's videos that you can borrow from the library. Take a little time to select quality viewing material, and you can feel a little less guilty about the amount of time she spends sitting in front of the tube. But research into brain development suggests that there should be NO television before the age of two or three.

You do sound overwhelmed, J.. Are there family members or neighbors who could step in occasionally to give your daughter more varied experience, and give you time for a long soak in the tub or a walk through the spring breezes? A little change might be great for both of you.

Seems like you have these little pockets of work here and there....not sure what your required hours are. Can you streamline that into maybe O. hour or two during the day, then have the rest of the time to split between your daughter and your housework?
I'd suggest reading to her--a lot. It helps them a great deal with developing language, speech and grammar just to hear the spoken word. And turn off the tv...get her into computer learning games, puzzles, blocks, crafts, just playing!

Don't be so hard on yourself! At this age, she just needs your time and presence. She'll learn her letters etc in school. I agree w/ the other Mom - try to spend less time cooking (maybe cook ahead and reheat meals) and more time just playing with her - any game is fun for them.... color outside on the sidewalk with chalk, play in a sprinkler, plant some flowers together etc... Can you all eat dinner together? Then you won't be eating 2x at night. You have to do what works for you! Good luck.

ohhh nooo she can't trace her letters???/
:)
relax. she doesn't need to know much before kindergarten and trust me, she'll
learn.
i do think you're avoiding spending some 'learning' time with her. meaning, don't cook every day, if house gets out of control, that's ok, tomorrow will still be here. if she has to watch tv, get her leapfrog dvds (letter factory, word something, math circus), at least she'll be introduced to basics while enjoying herself. get 20 min a day, get them somehow, and sit down with her and start teaching her something.
but even if she doesn't, she'll learn stuff in preschool.

Dear J., Each of us has out things to do in a day. Life has changed so much since I raised my children. You do mention eating with your daughter. Why don't you get some easier books and read to her at that time. Look at your day and see where you can cut down on prep time and add to time with your little girl. As far as her speech, this may improve with time. I do not know her but when she gets into pre school you can ask their advice. My grandchildren did not speak clearly. One improved with time and the other does receive help in school. I do not think there is a rush to write letters. If you do, pick up a beginners writing book and see what she does with it. Our children are a gift to us, just do your best :-) Grandma Mary

maybe you can put her in a daycare for a couple of hours each day or a couple of days per week. This will give the chance to have a solid 4 hours or so to either get your work done, or get a lot of work done and allows her to be in a setting that will teach her something and learn how to be in school. Good luck.

Hi J. I wouldn't worry about your childs speech. When my son was 3 he couldn't speak and I spent alot of time with him & read every night. His only word was ehh or ehhe. When he started preschool it really helped him. It was like he learned to talk over night. He is now 8 & never stops talking. As for feeling guilty about spending little time with him then stop. You work as well as take care of house and that is very exausting. I have four kids and I praise the man who invented the t.v. Besides, kids also learn alot from the television. So stop worrying about the little one and try to take time out for yourself too. Take care & good luck.
F. (Ireland)