My daughter is 20 and a senior in college. She is studying Vocal Performance as well as Composition, and is proficient at both. Over the past four years, she has had her share of difficulties at this particular school (personality differences with the department head, unique musical style preferences). However, she is in good academic standing and never settles for anything less than her personal best.
Towards the end of every semester, this college holds a week-long concert series. It lasts for six days. Each night features three different ensembles. My daughter's ensemble is always scheduled for the first night.
Now that I have given a little background, here is what happened back in April. Four days before the concert, my daughter's ensemble director asked her to prepare a three-minute piece to do as a solo. The director said that if he were to get the music a few hours before the show started, he could learn it by 8:00. Of course, she jumped at the opportunity to showcase her own music. The poor girl spent all weekend on that one thing. For 3.5 days, she did almost nothing but make changes to her song, add/subtract elements, practice into the late-night hours... all while trying to do homework for other classes. She gave us a preview the day before the concert, and it came out really good.
On Monday, she had to run around from building to building, printing multiple copies of her piece, proofreading it to make sure everything was clear... she even had to be excused from her Math class to do all this! At 4:00, four hours before the concert, she gave the ensemble director a copy of her music. He asked my daughter what it was. She told him that it was the song he had asked her to prepare. To which he responded: "You know, I'm thinking of not having YOU do a solo after all." Instead, he wanted to give the ensemble's newest member a solo.
I understand fairness, but this was ridiculous. It wasn't the fact that she wasn't picked as much as that the director didn't tell her until AFTER she had done ALL THAT WORK! It's been four months, but I'm still smarting over this. My daughter is working on trying to forgive the director, and is considering this a learning experience. Still, she isn't looking forward to going back to school on September 4th.
Oh, wow, I'd be super pissed. Has anybody told him how frustrating his actions are, and how inconvenienced she was by this?
Do Not have her tell him off, she may need him as a reference in the future.. !!!
I completely understand. I would want to punch him in the face... But, this sounds like a lot of what goes on in all sorts of professions..
At lease she knows she can get it together when necessary.
Our daughter is also in the arts, she has had situations when after all of her work, all of her time, money etc. put into a project and then it was not used!!!
I suggest your daughter go to a studio and have this piece recorded for her portfolio..
It is always a piece she can fall back on in a pinch..
Karma will get that guy.. It happens every time.
Let it go....
He sounds thoughtless but the entire arts and entertainment industry is full of self-absorbed divas who change their minds at a moment's notice. Sounds like good prep for the real world and that you need to learn to distance yourself from the disappointments of your daughter's life. Sounds like she's got the right mind about this and is being more mature than you. Not to be harsh, but you gotta get over this. I'm sure you have other actual problems to concern yourself with.
It's part of "paying your dues".
I think your daughter is doing the right thing by "trying" to forgive the director.... and actually it's the ONLY thing she can do in order to move on.
Artists face many challenges, this will not be the first time she is disappointed.
Thicken your skin Mom and help her to thicken hers as well...... it's the only way to survive the madness.
It was rude of him not to what, call her and tell her they changed their mind? No. She worked h*** o* that piece and it's still a good piece. She wouldnt have completed it if he would have told her "nevermind". It was a good "exercise" for her, emotionally and artistically.
Hi A.,
It's normal that you hurt for your daughter, but she has a very mature attitude toward this experience, and it will serve her well in years to come. Whether in the music business or otherwise, there will be some point in the future where someone with authority over her may do something like this again. Now, she'll have the experience to deal with the disappointment and frustration quickly and move on.
I remember in grad school working so h*** o* this assignment for one of my classes. I had lots of work to do in other classes, too, and two jobs outside of school, so time was always tight. Well, on the night this assignment was due, the professor just decided she wasn't going to collect it. EVER.
Nothing I could do. Surely wasn't going to gripe about it as the professors, this one in particular, had your academic and professional futures in their hands. Chalk it up to another lesson in life.
Things like this happen all the time in the real world. Projects get shelved after months or years of hard work....a client chooses someone else's proposal over yours.....important research is discontiued because of budget cuts...manuscripts that people labor over for years never see the light of day....good employees lose their jobs to downsizing....etc. All things out of our control.
If your daughter continues to foster this resilience and move past things that are beyond her control, she will have a very useful skill that will make her successful in life.
Smile.....you've taught her well!
J. F.
Of course I would be pissed! Your daughter should have spoke up for herself when the Director started changing his mind. However, the reality is that life just isn't always fair and sometimes we get the short end of the stick.
She has one more year left. She needs to go back with a good attitude and get through her last year. Have her practice what she would say to stick up for herself if this sort of thing happens again. Learning to be assertive as a woman is ALWAYS an essential life skill.
That sucks for SURE but it sounds like a good life lesson for her.
Sometimes you bust your butt and you aren't appreciated or rewarded for it, even if it was something you were asked to do, and sometimes, people are just a-holes.
If she's looking for a career in the arts I hope she has a thick skin. There's a lot of drama, fickle opinions and judgements, indifference to others' feelings, rejection and criticism. It's not a career for the meek.
This IS a good learning experience for her, seeing what life in the cutthroat world of professional performance is going to be like after she finishes her masters. Basically, she will have to pay her dues until she becomes well known before people like this won't treat her that way anymore.
She needs to get back on the horse and make sure that she hasn't put all her eggs in one basket as far as making contacts is concerned.
Is she starting her master's program? I'm unsure because you mentioned her studying for 4 years, and with her going back in Sept, perhaps she is getting ready for her master's? If so, things will probably be different for her. She'll be glad for the experience of having done this before, A.. Even though she didn't get to perform it, she knows how to do this now and can even streamline the process. She may even get to use it in another fashion, which would be very gratifying for her.
I do hope that she showed the director all her work so that he understands the gravity of his choice. (Of course, many musicians of this calibre think more about themselves than of the people under them...).
Remind her that she is close to the end, so get in there and do what she has to do in order to help her with gainful employment when she leaves the program!
Dawn
I would also take it as a learning experience and not put out so much effort in the future for Mr. Director. My SD did a heckuva lot of work in her HS theatre department and got left off the program once and shirt once. The director's excuses were lame but SD wanted to enjoy the experience with her friends so she stayed til graduation. Your DD is a senior and all she has to do is get through these last months with Mr. Dorkface and then she's free. And when she's asked about a situation she overcame with grace during an interview, she can pull that experience out to show she's a team player who can pull her weight when required, and doesn't give up. Tell her "chin up, young person". This, too, will pass.
I wish that director knew all this. If I were him, I'd be ashamed.
The sad truth is that life isn't fair. The director sounds like a head case - was he really planning to maybe think about asking someone else just a few hours before the concert?? Ridiculous.
In any case, your daughter's time to fight that battle was in April. It's very hard, in the moment of crushing disappointment, to think rationally. However, in professional situations (including academic ones and job situations in her future), it might have done some good for her to say, "I don't understand. You asked me to prepare a piece, I have spent 3 days doing so, and now, just a few hours before the performance, you are suggesting someone else? What was the academic value in having me spend time on this project if your plan was to cancel it? It was not a good use of my time or the school's resources. And is it fair to another member to give her/him a few hours notice of something you are just 'thinking about'?" Also, if this is the person with whom she has had some difficulty, it might have been sensible for her to check in with him periodically as she prepared her piece - ask for his advice or feedback. Most students do work with an advisor on big projects. She could also have just touched base and said, "I'm really working h*** o* this project, thank you so much for the opportunity, I won't let you down." She might have picked up any reticence or change of heart on his part.
I think it also could have been reported to the head of the department (if that's a different person) because the quality of the program reflects on the entire department. One way to bring it up without purely lodging a complaint is for her to say she spent all this time when she was offered a great opportunity, only to have the director change his mind at the last minute. Is there perhaps another course she can take, perhaps an independent study or a composition course, where this piece could be put to good use?
I think she should also try to figure out if this person is erratic all the time or if she's rubbed him the wrong way and he's trying to teach her a lesson. Is she working so h*** o* her own style that she gives the impression that she doesn't value the director's experience and input? It may be best to chalk it up to experience and move on, avoiding this director as much as possible. If she cannot avoid him, then the next time an opportunity comes up, she should verify that he intends to have her do it, and try to get an email from him confirming what he expects (duration of piece, style, when in the overall program it will be performed, etc.) - often when people put things in writing, they don't back down.
Shame on the musical director....especially that he is in a position of power/authority of students who are so impressionable and vulnerable.
What a shame that your daughter and other kids have to learn about life through adults like this director. I know this is the way of the world - but we shouldn't just accept it - maybe the day that she graduates she can give him a piece of her mind - let him know that she wonders how he could sleep at night being so insensitive and mean.
I'm sorry that your daughter had to go through this - but you and i both know that if this is the worst thing she ever goes through in life y - you will both be lucky! life does stink sometimes because of not kind people and because of what life can throw at us....
but don't let it let your daughter lose faith in the good people that are out there...even good people make mistakes but then in their own way - attempt to make it right...
clearly though - i agree with you that as her mom - you hurt for her and are angry at this jerk!
Exactly what Laurie A said!
