How to Talk to Daughter About Her Biological Father

Don't say anything until she's much older. Maybe tween/teen when she'll better understand WHY this situation is the way it is.

She doesn't need to know any time soon. Really.

Sometimes blood just means DNA.

I would just go on business as usual until she is at an appropriate age to be able to actually understand what happened in the early days. My guess would be at arount 10 but that totally depends on your daughters maturity level and her need to know.

My son has never met his father as we broke up when I was pregnant and he wants nothing to do with our kids. My situation is a bit different from yours though as my daughter is older and has some memories of him. He disappeared when she was 4. I personally feel that small comments here or there are really important so that I don't have to sit my son down one day and explain that his daddy isn't his biological father. I don't think it should be a secret. Secrets tend to convey something negative and shameful. My kids did nothing wrong. They didn't drive their father from their lives. It is all on him. My ex is the one with the problem. He is missing out on wonderful children. They are growing up knowing the truth as they are able to understand at their age. I believe in being honest and open with kids. I want them to trust me and know that they have nothing to feel ashamed about. They are welcome to ask me anything, and I will do my best to explain things to them.

i disagree with the other advice, i think the sooner one casually makes sure a child has the correct information, the less trauma and drama arise. rather than sit her down and make a big deal out of it, i'd just introduce it naturally when an opportunity arises and be prepared to answer questions very simply as she asks them. it may be that when you change her last name you can just say something like 'when you were born i didn't know your daddy. the man who got me pregnant with you isn't here any more. now that we are all together we want to have the same last name.' then questions about the bio-father can be answered with 'his job was to help me make you! but your real daddy is here now.'
the less uptight you are about it, the more natural it will seem to her.
khairete
S.

I don't think that the "wait until she is old enough to understand" answer is wrong. However, one thing to consider is who do you want her to hear this from? If it is something she has always known she will handle it fine. But if a cousin or an aunt, makes a comment before you talk to her about it she will feel like her whole world came down!
My daughter is five. My husband has been her daddy since she was 18 months old. She understands that she had two dads. She feels really special to have two dads (even is one is on the other side of the country and never sees her), especially a daddy that loves her so much. She really doesn't understand any concept of marriage, divorce, or really much about where babies come from. She just knows she has a father, a daddy, a mommy and a lil sissy that love her very much. She is happy wiht that knowledge. As she gets older and asks more questions I will give her more answers.
For right now she knows the truth, but the simplified for a 5 year old truth.
Be honest with her, talk about all that she has with her family and make it feel normal for her now. Waiting till she is older may very well mean she feels betrayed, hurt, and an outsider.
Just somethings to consider.

I have not personally gone through this, but my niece has and I think she handled it beautifully... she waited for my great-niece to ask (it came up when she was about 4 and my niece was expecting baby #2).

When Hayleigh asked why Bryelle was going to have a different last name (the process was extensive), my niece gave her a very simple response and it was something like "B/c daddy is Bryelle's father AND her daddy. You are very lucky b/c daddy chose to be the person who loves you and cuddles you and (insert favorite activities)."

She really didn't focus on who "daddy wasn't" so much as "who he is". As she got older, she asked more questions and got more info. She has never questioned who her "daddy" is b/c he's the one who tucks her in each night! Bio dad pops in the picture on occassion, but it's clear who has the relationship!

Answer the questions with honesty and brevity. You may want to hit the library and ask the children's librarian for a recommendation. You would be amazed at the topics covered by children's literature and the books often help "start" a conversation!

Since her bio-dad has no interest in her, I see no reason to worry about telling her that the man she calls 'Daddy" didn't contribute any of her DNA.

Certainly, there are times you bring him up, like when you speak of where her eye or hair color came from. You can just mention that was her Daddy Dave. When she asks who that is, let her know that is her natural Father. From there, just answer her questions.

Get child support, even though he has no interest in her. He can't go around creating children and not paying.

As a former child therapist, PLEASE tell your daughter sooner rather than later!!! Secrets always get spilled, and then there are issues of anger and betrayal, fear and shame. Your beautiful daughter didn't do anything wrong so there is no reason to hide the truth from her.

The sooner you can start talking to her about it, the more natural it will be. Just answer questionsn at her age level; as many people suggested, you can use the last name as a jumping off point. She doesn't need to know much, but telling her helps her know she can come to you with questions. As other posters have said, you can add more info as she is ready.

I second the answer of going to the library and seeing if there are some good books out there!

Good luck to you!

Caitlin,
I feel compelled to answer to your message. I am product of the same type of situation. My Mom briefly dated my dad and I was born, but the relation did not last and My mom married someone else who really loves me. However, the love between a parent and a child is very complexed. Now, you know what you daughter needs and you afford to shower her with what ever needs she has; 10 years from now, it is not the same. Someone around you will tell her that your husband, her present dad is not her biological dad and that is where the problems will start. It happened to me, even though my other daddy (I do not call him step dad, rather dad) did all he could so I can be a good child, I felt the need to he around my biological dad who did pay a dime for my care, but as a child, sometimes we see things differently. We want to feel love and believe that only biological dad could give that love, until we get mature enough to understand.
If I were you, I would not involve that precious child in this mess at this time. I will have a serious conversation with the biological father, a conversation maybe with a witness, an attorney, I will ask question like "do you intend to have a relationship with you daughter, what type of relationship; if yes, I will make him aware of his financial, emotional, physical presence, I will not tolerate any deception, but just between him and you should you talk about it. Based on the outcome of the conversation, I will talk to my husband, reassure him my love, thank him for his commitment towards the child, and let him tell me what he thinks, he is a man and could easily be in the situation. I will then make my decision (not a final though) after carefully reviewing all the aspects of thoses different conversations. Do not expect the biological father to give you answer on the spot, give him some time to think. If he does not come up with something, then make the decision that is best for the child, but later, when she is mature enought o understand, tell her exactly what happened, she can still want to see her father, do not stop her. But do not let the biological father turmoil your relationship with your husband, some men do, do not give him that power, be polite, but not friendly, be firm, but respectful.
Good luch Dear

I approached my mom when I was 4 and asked about it, because my little brother was born and I DID have a memory of dad not being "around". Not that I remembered anything else, but just.....I knew he wasn't there the whole time. Mom told me a little. As I got older, she'd tell me more, and it was kind of ongoing, every 4-8 years or so I had more questions. If she approaches you, you can be honest then and say as my biology teacher told me: I'm very blessed; I can know for sure that my dad loves me enough to CHOOSE me. I remember my mom saying that dad loved me and she felt safe when she introduced us and I took him by the hand to my room, and mom peeked in after getting a coke and saw him sitting on the floor playing with my toys. And how when we went to court to get adopted, they called him up and I ran up after him, and someone tried to stop me and I yelled "I go where my daddy goes!" and the judge laughed and said "Well this will be easy today".
If she doesn't mention it, I don't really know what to say for the young age she's at now. I say that because of the previous post....she has a point, though it's doubtful that the father would come looking. She's old enough to know her name though. I guess I'd just let her know about the name change and how we're a "family" and so we're changing our names. Then later that could be a point of reference when you have the talk later. Perhaps put something to commemorate the date in her scrapbook for later years, to show that you're not going to hide anything from her.
I'm thinking preteen or early teen, depending on her emotional stability and maturity level, if I were in your situation, I would kinda set aside a day where you break out a baby book. Make your pregnancy and her babyhood more of a "it was just you and me" (or if your parents were involved don't downplay them, but you see what I'm saying?)....just a time when it was "you and me" and tell about your feelings: you were excited, you loved her even before you met her, did you do anything like sing a special song to her or lay and picture mother/daughter times with her, etc. But even with all those happy things, you were also scared and lonely sometimes, wondering how it would work without a dad, would you be able to be enough, would you be able to provide enough, etc, but then you met your husband, and he loved you both, and tell about some things he did when y'all first started dating, a time when you knew you could feel safe bringing him around, how you knew he'd be a good dad, and what he's done to be the dad we know and love, and how blessed we are for him. If her biological dad is not going to be in her life and never really has been, there's no reason to bring him up. If your daughter is of age for "the talks" to begin and she pushes knowing about him, you can incorporate that experience into the talk on why we don't want to rush into a physical relationship before we really know and trust each other, and until we're ready for all that a physical relationship can bring. That would be what I would do. Just my thoughts.
I really remember right after I started my period, which I learned about in school thank goodness since mom hadn't talked to me yet, mom stepped up and really took me on mother/daughter dates more then. We'd go to a favorite restaurant and a special place from her childhood, or whatever, and talk. She told me about my dad a bit more over a lunch at some gardens where it was quiet and peaceful, not a lot of people around, but something we both liked. We could talk while looking at the water or ducks instead of having to look eye to eye in awkward moments, which helped sometimes. I've had those talks with kids in my youthgroup since, and it's amazing what comes out when you're shooting pool and not making eye contact sometimes....then you can look eye to eye and have a little more serious time to deal with what's come out.
Congratulations on finding a good man and your changing/growing family!

My oldest is a product of the same situation. So, I personally asked many, many folks who were in the same situation. Their answer, NEVER tell her. Especially since there are siblings involved. All of them said they'd wished they'd never, ever known.
We covered all of the bases. All of the family know to never tell her. Luckily, she picked up some pretty strong genetics from my family. Also, I do know the bio father, and his family. I have all of the medical history, and how to reach them if something were to happen medically.
Other than that though, I'm taking the advice of those who had been there, and know that. They were all pretty adamant about not telling her. They see what a great dad she has, and they say there is no reason to tell her. They say it devastated them, even though they had great dads. They say it changed things, even though it shouldn't have, and there is no way to take it back. They all wished the things could go back to the way it was before they knew.

Edit: it IS imprtant to have the bio father sign away all of his rights. After that, legally he has no reason to ever contact your daughter.

Wait until she is much older. If she looks drasticly different from her sibling and asks questions then gently tell her she has a different daddy, but her real daddy is the man who takes care of her. Her bio dad, or his parents, may want to be involved in a few years if they do include them in her life even if that means having them visit at your home for a while. Once she is comfortable with them maybe an overnight visit will be okay. As long as her paternal family is loving and supportive it would be good for her to spend time with them. A child needs all the love they can get.