How to Help My Absent-minded Professor

I have news for you. This is what 9yr old boys do. They forget to tie their shoes, forget the chores, forget their jacket at school, etc. They are so busy that the mundane stuff slips by them. With age it will improve. Stay on top of him though, this is the only way to get it done!

I know you probably dont want to hear this question, but has he been tested for ADD- attention deficit disorder? This sounds so much like my son at that age. I was told he is a great student ..but well his desk is a mess. After he was diagnosed, I refused to give him the medication until his behaviors got him kicked out of school. Once he started on it, "he is a different kid" is what I was told from his teacher. This was 3rd grade. I am a paraeducator, and a mother of 2 special needs kids (who are now adults). At 26, my son still needs the meds, but is living a "regular thinking" life.

Wow, you've gotten a lot of responses and I don't have time to read them all, so forgive me if mine is redundant.

Your son sounds exactly like my brother. We were always confused how somebody who had a photographic memory and could recite back any article or book he read could forget that he needs his school books when he goes to school (or something similar -- he seemed to forget his books almost daily). My brother graduated from MIT. Clearly a bit above average. :-) What your son is showing is sometimes called the Einstein Syndrome. His mind is so involved in one area of thinking that he is neglecting some more basic areas of thinking. I have been blessed to find out that my older son (who is just 5) also exhibits these traits. He talked late, and nobody could find a reason, but now that he's finally talking they think it's because he is gifted.

What helped my brother, and he still does this at 38, is posting lists. For example, on the bathroom mirror he would post a checklist of what he did before he went to bed (go to the bathroom, wash face & hands, brush teeth, etc.), and what he did when he got dressed in the morning. Next to the front door was a list of things he needed before he left for school. In his notebook at school he would keep a running list of what the teacher told him needed to get done, and every afternoon my mom would take the list out and tape it on his bedroom door.

Obviously you don't want to do so much that he isn't learning how to manage himself, but I think it would be good to find ways to assist him in overcoming his absent-mindedness. I mean if you had a child who wasn't talking, you wouldn't deprive them of speech therapy because they have to "learn it on their own." You would help him to overcome it. I believe this trait of absent-mindedness is so common in highly intelligent individuals.

At 38 my brother now carries a PDA and keeps a running to do list. He lives by it. He is married, with two kids and the primary caretaker of the kids (as well as an economics teacher at a magnet high school). He has yet to forget to pick the kids up from school or daycare! So I think his list system works for him. He also puts consistent tasks into his calendar with pop-up reminders.

Sorry for the long post. I hope it is helpful. What a treasure to be a mother of a gifted child!
Take care,
B.

I have one who is 6. Your request made me laugh because it is so reassuring to know there are others struggling with my same problems.
I have by no means figured this all out, but lately what helps us is: A timer. When I am in a hurry is the toughest time to deal with it. I give him a list of 3-4 things I need him to do and set the timer. He has to repeat the list back so I know he heard me. If he is focused on fast, he doesn't get as sidetracked.
Also, I got sick of asking: Have you eaten breakfast? Do you have your sweat shirt? Do you have your lunchbox? EVERY MORNING. Then I would have to do it all over again before he got out of the car at school. I made an agreement that I would only say the word "Check" That would remind him to check for all the things he needs for school. It has worked really well for the last week and I am a lot less irritated by the behavior.
Good Luck!

How proud you must be to have such a high-minded child! It sounds like you're doing everything right - established routines, reminders, etc. You said he is improving (albeit slowly) so you may just have to be patient. It is extremely common for highly intelligent people to have difficulties with the banalities of everyday life. It is rumored that Einstein couldn't even tie his own shoes!

I know it's frustrating and draining to always have to keep track of things for him. Maybe try a little bit of natural consequences. For example, if he doesn't keep track of his shoes, he will be late for school while he tries to find them. If he doesn't take out the trash, take the bag and put it in the middle of his room. He'll surely take it out then!

He sounds like a wonderful boy who is going to turn into an exceptional man. Best of luck to you!!

Welcome to my world. Have your son tested for non-hyperactive ADD.
Montasory schools will also help.

Have you had him tested for Asperger's? I could be off base, but what you describes sounds a lot like most of the Asperger's kids I've worked with. You can have him assessed by the school, a psychologist or your local regional center.

Hi M.,

I have a 12YO son, that is also absent minded. We are always repeaing ourselves to him when we ask something of him, does not matter if it's as simple as taking out the trash and recycables. He'll do the trash but forget to do the recycables. His mind is running at a much higher speed than ours, therefore patience is a huge factor in having a gifted child. What has helped me a great deal in dealing with a gifted child is reading, "A parents guide to gifted children" & "Guiding the gifted child" by The Potential Press. Their website is www.giftedbooks.com. They help you understand from the gifted point of view how to understand them in dealing with them, why they are the way they are. You are blessed to have a gifted child they are unique and wonderful, but you have to accept them for who they are. Absent minded and all.

Take care and happy reading,

Hi M.!

My absent-minded professor is now almost 14 and we're still dealing with it. <chuckle> My husband and I have had to send him back to shower four times before he comes out smelling fresh and clean...and 15 minutes after he's out, he's asking us what he can do to be more attractive to girls! Truly, it was hard not to laugh (we did that later, after he was in bed <wink>)!

As you can see, we haven't "solved" the problem, but I did hit on a way to curb it a bit. If you haven't already done so, take the time to introduce your son to basic money management, how to earn money, savings, budget, etc. Then, attach a value to the five or so most important things and make doing those things his allowance. For me, that was flushing/hand-washing, turning off his bedroom light, cleaning the kitchen after dinner and giving the animals fresh water each evening. Each time my professor got forgetful, I got a quarter. Some weeks, he lost his whole allowance to me a quarter at a time. After the first week of no money for the bookstore, he got a clue.

We've curbed the above mentioned problems this way and we've moved on to others. That's not to say we don't see regression, but it can be effective. If nothing else, my son has a strong appreciation for the connection between a job well done and earning money. <g>

On the really bad days, though, I have to give myself a time out and pray that he'll find a very forgiving wife!

My 10 year old is shaping up to be exactly the same. Losing money doesn't phase him very much, so we just limit his game boy time. THAT gets his attention.

Good luck!

Dear M.,

I have a son very similar to yours who is almost 8 years old and I can very much relate to your experiences with him. Your son sounds wonderful and adorable, but I know that dealing with these issues can be exhausting. I don't have any answers for you, beyond what you are already doing, I hope others can help with advice. The only thing I thought of is a motivation/reward system with a chart or something. Every time he remembers to put his shoes in the correct place without being reminded, he gets a sticker on the chart or every time he brushes his teeth immediately after being asked he gets a sticker on the chart. If he's earned a certain number of stickers by the end of the week, he can receive a special prize (maybe a book on a topic he is fascinated with or a special date with Mommy...). My son tends to remember things and be more motivated when a prize (no matter how small!) is involved! Good luck! Also, I am looking for part or full time work from home. What do you do and how do you like it?

Sorry I keep coming back to this but another great article is recently published on misdiagnosing gifted children with disorders
http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/Webb_Misdiag...
This is that checklist for highly gifted children
http://www.adifferentplace.org/Positive%20and%20Negative%...
My son was exactly like yours (and still is sometimes). I worried too, just like you do that he'd never get anything organized. Then, puberty hit. I don't think that it was or is absent mindedness but rather the desire to do things that HE found to be more important instead of what we thought to be more important. There was also a level of wanting to be independent. For the issue of teeth brushing, he needed to see a video on what could happen if he didn't take care of his teeth (didn't matter how many times I told him) and using deoderant was his own recognition that he was obtaining "a smell".
He is still a bit disorganized but now he gets himself up (and is anal about it) every morning, taking his shower, setting his own routine. He still gets excellent grades and still in excelerated classes like GT. Most mornings now it's him riding me to hurry up and get out the door to get him to school instead of the other way around. My son started this when he was about 10-11 years old. He's 12 1/2 now. He also has his own items arranged and has made his own routines for his things like his gameboy (which he polishes after every use and puts in his special case).
So my opinion is that as your son gets older, he'll take more responsibility on himself. He won't be perfect at it and you'll still have to remind him of a few things here and there (but not nearly as much as you remind him now) and let him take ownership by giving him a reason to take ownership (because it's important to him, not so much to you).

I needed to add one more thing... I noticed upon reading that a few people suggested "ADD" or some other ailment. If he's doing well in school, ignore this.
If you look up the "symptoms" of a highly gifted child, a lot of the "symptoms" are very similiar. I had one person in my life who pushed the ADD question with my son and to put the issue to rest (because it was during our custody case) I relented to having him tested even though it had never been recommended by his teachers. I'll be honest, when he was around 4, I had even questioned it myself because he was so active. But boys are boys and intelligent ones even more so (I suggest you look up the book, "the war against boys") and with the issue being pushed during our custody case by the new wife, we did test our son. He was fine (as I now knew he would be)
People without children like ours don't understand them so they're quick to label or if all they have is experience with special needs children, the see symptoms in normal children. (which was the case with my ex's wife). I would focus more on the responses about their boys who have gone on to do great things.
(BTW, my son aspires to going to Harvard!)

Like one of the other responses... have you ever thought about getting him tested for ADD/ADHD? I've been teaching kids for over 18 years who are learning disabled and who have ADD/ADHD. Let me first say, kids with ADD are NOT stupid, do NOT have low IQs, and DO have average to above average intellectual potential. I've taught kids who were diagnosed with this, and have IQs in the genius range. From what you're saying it sounds like your son has difficulty with executive functioning, which would include his inability to keep himself and his "stuff" organized. Also, he does sound like he's very easily distracted. It's not unlike any of the kids I currently teach. I would encourage you to have him tested. There are checklists that can be given to his teacher(s) that would help to see if this is the case. I would highly recommend going to a psychiatrist who specializes in this and not just your pediatrician. As for medication... I just went to a lecture which I heard 3 researchers and drs.speak in the field of ADD who work out of UCLA. The latest research shows that there is a distinct difference in the brain with kids who have ADD, as opposed to those who don't. Medication is the most likely to help and is proven to help the part of the brain that causes this. One of our speakers told us a parent said to him, "How could you do this to our child (suggest to put him on medication)." The doctor's reponse was, "How could you not?" So, just keep that in mind. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me. M.

I've heard of a website that uses the imagination of children to inspire them to create good habits. Although your son may not be inspired by the more whimsical ideas there are many practical applications that may connect your son to basic routines.

Check it out.
www.housefairy.org

Just think! He's EXACTLY like Einstein was. The man was an absolute genius but couldn't tie his own shoes even in adulthood! I would say appeal to his sense of reason. EXPLAIN to him WHY we wash our hands and WHY we put our shoes where we do... because if you just tell him put your shoes here.. wash your hands... it won't sink in as much. He's all in his head and needs reasons for actions. Not just because! Better yet.. start out the reasoning conversation and then allow him to start thinking of consequences of if we didn't wash our hands... if we didn't put our shoes where they belong... and see what that does for him. If you create lists of things to do he might very well forget to check the list just as he forgets to do the other things. However, try it... try anything. The checklist, or maybe a star chart, might be a way for him to take ownership of his actions a little more so. You can purchase one of those charts with the columns for stars or stickers at any school supply store. Let him pick out his stickers that he wants to use as even more motivation to stick to it.

My daughter is almost 9 and she sounds a lot like your son. Several months ago she started playing the clarinet and it has really taught her how to focus and concentrate. If she lets her mind wander we can all hear it! She's gotten better about finishing tasks at home.

Hi M.;

He may have a touch of ADD. I know everyone is throwing that around these days but it could be a very strong possibility. So, many people associate ADD with ADD/HD, but it is possible to have the first with out much hyperactivity. Distraction and having trouble staying focus if a very common symptom. I myself didn't realize my son had it until 5th grade. He had been in a Montessori school which gave him much leway in studying what he wanted, more free thinking. Unfortunately for him he was not well rounded in basics such as writing and testing.

When he is working on something he is interested in a BOMB could go off and he wouldn't notice, but trying to get him to focus on chores or certain homework, classroom projects and it was a nightmare. I had him tested and his case was light only 25-30 mg of Adderall XR and only during school days. On the weekends and over vacation we only gave him ONE task at a time and made him look at my face and then repeat it. Still many a time he would walk down the hall out of sight only to return and say, "Sorry Mom, I forgot what I was suppose to do!"

He is a sweet kid and it has improved as he as gotten older. At 13 starting 8th grade he chose to go off his meds and even though it was a struggle he did okay. He is in HighSchool now and I still see improvement.

But all in all remember he is a boy/man and their brains just don't work like a women's. Good Luck

S. Chase

PS There is a book out called, Right Brain child in a Left Brain World, or vica versa. You should get it and read it, it was very helpful for me!

Your son sounds like an amazing little boy! I was just like him!! Although I am a woman, not a man, I was a know-it-all when I was little. Not like a bratty know-it-all, but I really wanted to KNOW IT ALL and I LOVED learning. BUT... it used to drive my mom crazy. I was so in my head that I didn't ever focus because my favorite pastime was thinking and learning and of course, I would get distracted from the here and now very easily.

Remembering back on my own experience, and I was thinking because he is so smart, perhaps give him the definition of focus. Here it is...

Focus: To zero in on a task and SEE it through to completion.

Let him know that includes SEEING it with his eyes until it's complete. Let him know that you think it's important he learns focus for all that he wants to do in his life. Connect focus with a dream he has for his future. Tell him learning to focus now will help him accomplish that dream. Then teach him his way: with definitions and ways to use his mental power. He might take it on to practice focus for fun once he 'knows' what it is...

Another thing is to define listening for him. He is so great at using his mind that you can let him know what listening is too. Tell him that listening is when you are NOT thinking (especially while someone else is talking). When I was little, I was so smart that I didn't ever have to listen to get good grades. Later in life, I realized I never really learned how to listen. I thought it was just focusing on your ears (I know, crazy, right?!). Your son is so smart, he is likely thinking while you are telling him all there is to do and handle and it's not that he forgets, he's just hearing you along with all his thoughts. With "Listen" and "Focus" as two things you practice AND they both take mind power, he might have fun with it.

Last but not least, I am a yoga teacher and we look at the body as a way to create balance as well. There are some poses that might open his heart up as well as ground him a little. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING WRONG with how he is... at the same time, these ideas might just work!

I ended up being a life coach and a yoga teacher because I was constantly looking for ways to balance, not squash, my spirit and perhaps some of the same things that helped me will help him. ;-)

with love and mind power!

K.

Yes, my 13 year old daughter has been reading on a college level since elementary school. She is in all GT classes. Smart kid. Good grades, etc. And you are right, it will eventually lead to problems with being too absent minded to turn in homework etc. My daughter has experienced these things. She does the homework but can't remember to turn it in. She lives to read. She reads so fast. Two books a day. She has a book in every room so whichever room she is in she is reading. Many books at a time. So the only way we have found to deal with this is to punish by taking away the one thing she loves. If she fails to turn in her homework, or do her chores, or whatever. She can't read her books for a day or whatever. You figure out what they love and is the most important to them and explain to them about consequences. Then they make the choice. They control it. Just make sure he understands up front. It's the only way to motivate them to try hard enough to overcome their weakness.
How lucky are we that our kids are so wonderful and brilliant that we only have to take away reading, and not tv, or smoking, or hanging out with bad friends or something truly worrisome?

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say thank you for posting this! My son is almost 8 & is EXACTLY the same way. He is the smartest kid I know (I may be a bit biased...hahaha), but he cannot remember to bring his homework home or grab his backpack for school that is sitting right next to him. It's like the simplest things just completely elude him. It's so frustrating! I can't wait to see some of the responses for this. Good luck with your professor. Hopefully it's just a phase.

Your son sounds like a great kid. He reminds me of my own son, now 19. I assume he knows all the "whys" behind the things you are asking him to do? My son would not co-operate at all for "because I asked you to." Make the explanaitons you give as creative as possible and still be completly truthful. My sister told her 4 year old that his breath smelled when he didn't brush becasue little bugs to small to see went potty on his teeth. (Plaque is a by product of bacteria) This made a lasting impression. To make things that don't interest someone interesting takes a lot of creativity. Lucky for you it seems your son has lots of that and can seriouly help you out. My son liked to reason things out, so after I thoroughly explained the benefit to him of doing a particular thing I always asked him what would motivate him to do it. How will you make this happen for yourself? How can I help you to reach your goal? I implimented his suggestions whenever possible, we still have this plan in action today as a matter of fact. Beyound that there is the obvious system of charts with rewards. Have a standard time (or more than one if need be) when the charting is done for the day, with a 5 or 10 minute warning before hand. This way you don't have to follow him around, you check all the things at that time. Have him write them down, seeing them in print makes an impression as well. Let him choose the reward to work for, that way he will really want it. Get him involved with the "punishment" phase as well. What do you think the penalty for not doing it should be? Make it feel like a negotaition process in which he making decisions for himself. After all isn't that what life really is for all of us?
PS Don't forget to reward those wonderful natural tendencies as well. Hey, remember, Einstein couldn't find his way home from the university every night and he taught there for years.

I just wanted to reiterate what Eve M said. It sounds like you are an enabler, or as my mom calls it, a rescuer. You really need to be careful about constantly following him around because he will figure that "Mom will remember, why should I?" I don't know about the genius part but I was constantly forgetting homework and such and my mom would "rescue" me by bringing it to school and such. I came to depend on her so much that when I got to college I wasn't a good student. If you let him forget something now while the consequences are pretty much under your control (when he forgets his lunch he has to go hungry) he will learn the lesson he needs to before the consequences become more severe. (ie forgetting to take a project to work or to pay a house payment.) Same with the reading thing. If he does the mandatory things first then he can do the fun things as a reward. If he neglects to do the things you ask him to do, take away his book until he does it. I have tried this with my 4 year old and bed time. He is old enough now that he can get himself into his pajamas and so if he does it in a timely manner I will get to read stories to him before bed. If he just plays around instead, then he has to go straight to bed. The most important thing is to be consistent. Your boy should turn into the genius he is shaping up to be but he will be a responsible one instead of an absent-minded one. :)

You made me smile...I've got one too!!! Only he's 6! I've been told that this is just who he is. I'm always going to have to follow him around. his brain is so many other places doing amazing things that the little details don't matter!!! i undertand that they do matter to us though. i try very very hard to give 1 step directions. i try to make enough time to complete all the chores/teethbrushing/picking up of clothes/showering/etc that have to go one during the day. it's hard!!!! i smiled when i read this coz we just went through it last night again. trying to get him to even brush his hair is traumatic on some days. but...it's who they are. just think of what amazing adults they could become: )

M.,

Just a note to add to the others (although I didn't read all of them). If YOU are "on top" of him, then he knows that if he forgets something you will be there to "catch" him. Step back and let him "fall" sometimes and he will realize that it is up to him to focus on what is important and his personal time can start once he has taken care of a few things that are important to you. Such as: you can read your book once your hands are washed and shoes put away. If you start reading your book beforehand, you will lose the chance to read for an hour. You can put in whatever you feel is necessary for the situation. Believe me once he has been handed consequences a few times, his brain will remind him to do it rather than you reminding. If he has you to remind him constantly why should he try to remember himself.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

I have total empathy with you. My - now 13 - son is very similar with his disorganization and ability to remember his chores even after shortly telling him before. And totally dawdles at his homework. Unfortunately it has hindered his school work. Just recently we signed him up for Sylvan for math. His attention span is very short unless its something that he is really in to. We have tried different methods of encouragement (i.e. toys, earning money); but only recently has he become interested in money. I am only thankful that my husband can balance a "strong hand" with a "playful hand". Most people just tell me that he's just being a boy. The important thing is we never give up. At his age now, I am able to talk to him about when he moves out...that is our job now - to teach him good rules to live by for when he is on his own.
He probly still doesnt quite get it. But we will never stop asking him ... did you brush your teeth, did you wash your face. I have come to believe that its something that we cannot get lax with. My daughter was totally different, and was quite easy. Every child is different. Every suggestion you get, try it.
S.

Lists and charts :) I'm an absent-minded professor mom and both my kids sometimes follow my traits. Though not as severely thank goodness!!!

So a checklist in a page protector and a dry-erase marker in the bathroom for his bathroom routine (bath, teeth, etc). Also, especially with my son, no privileges (TV, reading, playing) until chores are done. You'd be amazed at how quickly and diligently chores get done when you take away their free time. Timers are good too. Timers are WONDERFUL.

Hi M.....

I see your son the way I see my sister and her other musicians/vocalist friends. The big joke is that 'musicians' are in their own world and they can sit in the middle of a tornado strumming their guitar completely content. Whenever I had to go to another musicians house....I knew EXACTLY what it was going to look like there...hahaha. None of them ever concerned themselves with the 'order' of things on a day to day basis. Your son is just wired a certain way and may never really concern himself with the normal day to day tasks.

Anyway, I have no suggestions...BUT what came to mind when I read your story was a book by Mel Levine, M.D. called 'A MIND AT A TIME'.

He basically covers how EVERY child is wired differently/learns differently/how to relate to him or her...basically how to reach out to them based on how they incorporate information. And of course how to relate and figure out how to reach those who are more difficult based on how their mind functions. He may have some great ideas how to talk your sons language thru different avenues of communication in order for him to do the things you want him to learn outside of the things listed that you said he was interested in.

Based on what you said it might be a worth read. It might give you some ideas how to relate to him or help him focus on the every day tasks you want him to remember.
If it helps and you figure it out....his future wife will be grateful to you....ahhaaha.

Good luck....but what a blessing that your son has such a gift and abilities beyond his years. I'm thinking the bigger picture is what wonderful things he'll do in life.

Oh my goodness, I had to respond because the way you've described your son sounds EXACTLY like me at that age! I was "book smart" but spacey ... like my head was just in the clouds. Couldn't keep track of details AT ALL. I was intelligent enough to compensate for it at school, so my grades didn't suffer even though I would forget about homework assignments until the night before they were due, etc. (Long, 3-wk projects were my nemesis).

I'm just telling you this because I was diagnosed with ADD -- the non-hyperactive version -- in 6th grade. I wish they'd noticed it sooner! Please don't be offended, I'm not saying that your son has ADD, but it might be worth reading into. For me, once we all knew what the issue was, we could work on it and it made my life so much easier. There was absolutely no way I could get focused or remember details just on my own, no matter how we tried. Once the ADD was under control though, it was a battle I could win. Again, I don't mean to offend, just please consider it for your son; it could make all the difference in his life.

Just one more note...people who claim that his schoolwork would have to be affected if he had ADD are misinformed. If the child is intelligent enough, they learn they can compensate and still get good grades. I always got good grades, and am currently in a Master's degree program where I still do. That doesn't mean I don't still have raging ADD to where I forget that a 10-pg paper is due in 2 days, or that the midterm is tomorrow. I agree that ADD is probably over-diagnosed, but that doesn't mean that some kids, like me, don't genuinely have it and benefit hugely from a little treatment.

Oh how I have one. Mine is 14 and beautiful, and my brother was the same and still is , to a degree. Here is my 2 cents worth. These kids are growing and to some degree - they all have the absent-minded professorish life. I have a 19 year old at SDSU who I used to wonder if he'd ever remember anything! To my great joy, he holds a very responsible job as an assistant manager at a local business and goes to school full time. He started to remember more after he started this job at around 16 years old. So there's hope!
First thing that comes to mind with your 9 year old is to talk to him about how you're feeling. Don't wait until the frustration is boiling over too badly. You're going to have to accept that he'll be losing that expensive uniform sweatshirt 10 times or more as part of his existence (talk to the other moms of the little boys in school his age and you'll see you're not alone). But, you can explain to him that he lives in this world and these tasks were not invented to irritate the both of you - you also have to contend with such tiny things as brushing your teeth - you just make it look easy since you have long ago accepted that you'd rather be doing that than sitting in a dentist's chair for hours having your teeth drilled. In other words, we take for granted sometimes that our kids will understand the meaning behind these irritating mundane tasks that they must complete. They don't. I will often explain for the nth time why these ridiculous tasks, such as showering, are so important. He is a human being and human beings need washing. You'll know when your explanation hits home. "I know it seems silly to have to take a shower every day, but this will get rid of the smell that can develop that you're not aware of. People can only smell themselves for the first 20 seconds, afterwhich, the nose shuts off. Therefore, you'd better know that you don't smell otherwise, others will!" Crazy I know, but sometimes they need explanations like that. It sounds like your son is a logical thinker also. He may need things explained logically, but either way, there is light at the end of the tunnel. They seem to kick in a bit more at 16, but each kid is different.
There's a good book called the Indigo Children. Sounds like you've got one and you might check it out. Lots of resources there too.
Take care and good luck.

My advice is to use a Check List for him and big word-CONSISTENCY!- That will be key He seriously needs routine. This is a very good thing and will make him feel more secure too. He will also be proud of himself when you no longer need to folow him around and ask him 'did you do this or that?'

Hi there. Well, my 4 yr old does the same thing, and I have had great success with a simple "job chart". You make it up yourself, with the things you want him to do every day (brush teeth, put shoes away, etc) and every time he does it right, he gets a shiny star sticker.(Or a chekcmark or some sticker he likes). You can make it like a graph for each week and put the stars where they belong or just however you want. We just have a blank paper on the wall where the stickers go if she gets one, and offer her a star whenever I need help getting her to listen to me. Then when he gets a whole week full, or 20 stars, or whatever, you go out and get him a reward, like a new toy or an ice cream or whatever you think would be appropriate. It really saved me the energy I was wasting on chasing her around and repeating myself, and getting angry at her all the time for being so slow. Your son is much older too, he should understand the concept even better. Maybe you could make the chart together and have him think of his reward before you start. Explain to him that part of growing up is being able to find your shoes. Good Luck!!!

I am a grandma and am also a retired elementary school teacher (25 years). I have had students in the past who sound very much like your son. The worst one, a darling little fourth grader named Matt, nearly drove his parents crazy for the same sort of things you have mentioned. I think the things you are doing are the right things to do. I would advise just keeping on keeping on! Matt? He graduated with honors from Yale a couple years ago.

Gosh, your son must be my older brother's younger twin. My brother is in his late 40's now and you described him right on. I remember my folks constantly telling him again and again to do something because he didn't finiish it the first time. My brother loved physics and everything science. His mind was always in another universe. Now he's married with a son and it still takes him a bit of effort to focus on some tasks. One thing he always loved to do, and still does, is cook, the kitchen became his lab...experimenting with different flavors and textures. Some of it came out yummy, sometimes not. (Women love men who can cook.) Some people are just wired a certain way. May I suggest a big checklist and timer to help your son know what needs to be done and how long it should take him. Also try turning tasks into fun "experiments" for him like brushing his teeth, say each tooth is a planet/moon that needs attention. Call your home a lab, a scientist always washes up before tending to his experiments when you come home. Be creative.
Good luck.
M.

Hi M..
I just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone! My son, Matthew, is affectionately referred to as my absent-minded professor, too. He will be 11 in September. I have a large family (I'm due with our 8th child in June), and he is my 5th son. He is also the sweetest, most mild-mannered of my brood...I just love him. Like you, I find myself following up on him to make sure he has done the tasks I've just asked him to do. To encourage you, he has really made progress with this since beginning his 5th grade year in August, right aroun d the time he was turning 10. His teacher has been communicating his progress to me since September, and Matthew is definitly remembering to do all of those day to day things better than he did when he was younger. I still find myself having to remind him to get his agenda signed, and put his lunch into his backpack almost daily. I just accept this as part of who he is, and I make an effort to be patient rather than frustrated with this, as my attitude does not do much to help or hinder him. My attitude sure does affect me and the rest of my family, though. Once again, I believe simple maturity on your son's part will help with this issue.
E. R

A little about me:
I'm married to the wonderful father of my soon to be 8 children. I have 5 sons, ages 17, nearly 16, nearly 14, 12, and 10. I have 2 daughters, ages nearly 9 and 2. I'm due with #8 in June.

M.,

I taught elementary school a while back, and found that as soon as a child is able to read, "rules of the home" are best followed when posted in WRITING. The rules should be followed with consequences and rewards, so there is no misinterpretation. Once your child is clear that these expectations are concrete, and that the list is considered the "warning" (there are no verbal warnings), he will be motivated to pay attention and not wander onto other activities and topics. While it's great that he's a smart kid, it's also important to teach him follow-through.

Good luck! :)

Aren't kids like this amazing?! My suggestion is to try a task chart. Have it on his door or someplace he has to see it. On the task chart have the simple tasks that you want him to become independent with such as brushing teeth, organizing backpack, shoes by door, etc. Have the task chart organized like a t-chart (one side labeled "needs to be done" and the other labeled "completed"). Make the tasks removable so that once he has completed the task he has to physically move the task to the "completed" side. This should help remind him of the daily tasks that he needs to work on, help to organize his thinking about daily tasks, and also create a physiological memory of the tasks. I am a teacher and this seems to work well with students who have special needs, especially autistic children. Gifted and Talented students such as your child could definitely benefit from this. Hope this idea helps!

Hi M.,
I hope you don't buy in to the ADD suggestions. I've known many children and adults like your son throughout my life, and they don't have ADD. This is like a blanket categorey to put any child in who isn't behaving "normal" so the RX companies can pop him a pill and make a little more money.

I would talk to him about his views on independence and what his priorities are. Really listen to him. Show him how he needs to develop these skills to become independent as he gets older and explain to him why that is important.

I doubt his disorganization will hurt his grades, brilliant children always find a way to excel. Have you considerated that you are being too controlling about the details in his life? Just a thought. Our children are often mirrors for us.

I would put a barricade between him and his goal (like reading an interesting book) until he accomplishes what you've asked of him. Talk to him about the importance of balance in the mundane and conceptual worlds, that it is equally important to take care of both.

Good Luck