How to Deal with "Not Measuring Up" to Other Moms......

This post tells me a lot about your self esteem, and I think that's where you need to start. When you begin with an attitude and seeming chip on your shoulder about other people snubbing you...no wonder why they do. You don't have to say it out loud for it to be apparent.

Take it into your own hands to join in these conversations rather than "being ignored". My guess is that if you made a little bit more effort when the other friends show up, you might find yourself blending in.

Take it from an introvert (me)...you have to make the effort and go outside of your comfort zone to build a bridge. It's taken me years to realize that I am the only one responsible if I'm alone or lonely.

I understand. But I also know you shouldn't be taking this personally.

I am an introvert - I like to think a friendly one - and if I see a mom standing by herself, I can go and chit chat (but I have to make myself). If it's a group, it's a little more daunting.

I usually pick the friendly parents (the ones that seem kind) and concentrate on them. Those are the people I want to get to know better. They are easier to talk to, and even if it's a bit awkward at first, they are good people.

Snotty people (if these women are indeed snotty) I wouldn't even bother with. But that's me. I don't have time for that.

This "not measuring up" business, that's your self esteem. So decide to do something about it so you feel you measure up. You shouldn't place your self worth in the hands of others.

Years ago, I read the book the 4 Agreements. It changed my life. It talked about integrity, self worth, not taking things personally, and being true to your word and self. It's a really good read. It made me responsible for my feelings.

Good luck :)

Sometimes people aren't ignoring you, exactly, but they could be very, very comfortable with each other.

My SIL and I have noticed that some of the moms have known each other for many, many years. Maybe they're friends from childhood or school or their husband's have known each other for years or they're actually related, etc. No one is mean or rude, but they have their friends and don't necessarily talk to other moms.

It has taken time, but my SIL and I have both found a couple of other moms that we are more comfortable with. Most of them also did not grow up around here - go figure :-)

I really wouldn't worry about imposing on others' conversations. If you were sitting there first and they stay there and keep talking, don't worry about it. You are welcome in the conversation.

For the most part, I really don't think moms talk about each other that much. At least that's not my experience. There's some gossip, sure. But most moms have so many other irons in the fire that they are really not going to talk about you for simply being friendly.

"thats a sure way to get talked about" is the one thing you said that really made me think that you are not a social risk taker. Another word for that is; shy. Reading between the lines, and not knowing you, my guess is that your fear of rejection and judgment in social settings leaves you withdrawn. Unfortunately, if you want to be heard and known, you sometimes need to insert yourself into the conversation. Scary hu? Being that you likely are not a natural at this, you are careful to draw people in when they are new. But, no one is doing that for you. They are probably not sensitive to shy people the way you are, but it does not mean they don't like you. Or maybe there is nothing to like, yet, because they don't know you, yet. You seem to have a lot of ideas about why you aren't fitting in, but consider the possibility that your perceptions are wrong.

I observe my daughter at times in social situations. She does not know a stranger. She is the opposite of shy and I've learned a lot from her. Let me just share one example. I've seen her insert herself in a social setting with the BELIEF that she belongs even though she does not. I kid you not, we were at the beach and a group of 5-6 Hispanic girls were playing near-by (age range 4-10). They were clearly all close, likely siblings and cousins who had been raised together. My daughter (age 6 at the time and Caucasian) joined them and expected to be included. She makes friends where ever she goes. The girls were not outright mean to her, but I saw the shared glances, and scrunched up faces that said; "who's this kid?".
I watched with curiosity, concern, and amazement as the whole thing unfolded. My daughter was oblivious to their clique and the fact that she was an outsider. Afer a few minutes the shared glances and scrunched faces turned into a sort of tollerance, though not outright friendliness. My daughter persisted to engage them in conversation, still oblivious to their coolness. Soon, she was sharing her beach toys and they all really liked that. After about 20 minutes, my little daughter was being accepted as one of them and had made 6 new friends.
My husband watched it too. We talk about it to this day. I don't have what she has. But still, I learned a lot from my daughter that day.
Believe in your heart that you belong. Insert yourself into conversation. In time, they'll accept you, oh yea, and share your beach toys. Whip up a killer batch of salsa for the next game. Don't do cookies, a lot of woman pass up desserts to watch their weight, but salsa is another story.

FYI, I feel the same way you do at times. I'm also tempted to think I don't measure up. Not thin enough, not sporty enough, don't surf good enough, drive a mini-van. But you know what? It nonsense. All of it.

You need to find real friends, and then this won't bother you.

People tend to hang out with and prefer people who are similar to themselves. It's just a fact of life, nothing to feel hurt about.

So when you speak to them they act like you are not there? Because if you are not speaking then you are the reason you are not part of the conversation, not them. I say this because it seems a lot of people don't realize their part in the conversation. They actually expect people to direct parts of the conversation to them otherwise they feel ignored. Thing is that is not being ignored, that is the assumption you don't have anything to offer.

I try to talk to everyone, be nice, but when a group is there taking, I am talking, I don't have time, or really want or desire, to make sure the quiet one feels included.

Just saying you are not being ignored you just feel that way.

Per your what happened, there is a reason I asked do you speak up and I noticed you did not answer. These are casual conversations, people are throwing bits and pieces in here and there. If you stay silent you are the one pulling away from the conversation. I mean ask yourself, when you think of how including you looks, what does it look like? Is it pauses and looks in your direction to see if you have something to add? Is it actually saying what do you think? If someone is not engaging in the conversation no one is going to notice that and pull you in, that is your part of the dance.

I am an extrovert, I have no trouble keeping up with a conversation. I have friends that are introverts. I am not about to say anything to them when they are not speaking up. They are not children, they are my peers, and what they are comfortable with is up to them to decide. I guess I am lucky, I didn't have to keep drawing them in to make sure they know they are valued.

I'm not sure why you think you don't "measure up" ? You don't really know why they aren't more friendly towards you yet you assume to know, that may be part of the problem. If you project a "I guess I'm not good enough" vibe that's going to come off like you have a chip on your shoulder ya know?
It took me a long time to make "mom" friends, and I didn't do it by striking up random conversations at events, that would've been really awkward for me as I'm not very good at small talk. I got to know my (now) friends through volunteering at school and in scouts, socializing at school/sports parties and activities, etc. It took several years to get to know people.
Just relax and be yourself and do things where you have a chance to really connect with people, THAT's how relationships are made.

i can relate to this question on both sides. as a highly introverted person, being in a one-on-one situation with someone i don't know well can be tough. i have no stage fright issues, and can speak happily in front of big crowds, but the intimate interactions with strangers or casual acquaintances is much harder for me. so good for you for getting the ball rolling. i'd have been more inclined to sit with my nose in a book. i think you're brave for starting the conversation and establishing an opening link.
but it does get hard when more show up, doesn't it? and that's where i understand the other part of the equation. not being a natural at the cocktail party dynamic, when i'm yakking with a good friend or three, i tend to include anyone who's actively participating, but simply don't have the acuity or energy to keep attempting to engage someone who's not. are they actually 'ignoring' you, ie you're participating and they don't respond or listen? or is it a case of you sitting there and listening actively but not speaking, waiting for one of them to ask your opinion or otherwise take action to engage you in the conversation?
i totally get being a little reticent about 'barging in' when friends are in full yak mode, but if you don't, you aren't really being ignored, you're just sort of being left on the side of the road. so at this point you need to make a decision- you either withdraw gracefully, or bite the bullet and take part (trying not to monopolize or over-talk, of course) in the conversation.
of course, doing this has the potential to get REALLY awkward. but it probably won't. they're most likely just talking, and would be happy for you to join in. but they might be like me, not deliberately rude or trying to cut you out, just not aware that you want in, and not feeling responsible for drawing you in.
i think the main thing to do is to change that inner dialogue of 'they think i'm not good enough' to 'they don't realize how interesting i can be'. new people who dominate conversations won't be well-received, but if you demonstrate interest in THEM (ask questions! best way to keep the conversational ball rolling!) i'll bet you find that they're not boxing you out at all, but trusting that as an adult, you'll speak up when you have something to say.
you can do it!
khairete
S.

Good replies, especially from Manda -- take a deeper look at your own self-esteem in the larger picture.

Also: Kids' sporting events and school events are just not always good places to try to build up acquaintanceships through chit-chat. Sometimes they are, but often the parents have known each other for years already, their kids see each other outside the sport or are in the same class at school or they all go to the same church, ....So they tend to turn to the person whom they know already and probably talked to yesterday as well.

Not polite, I agree, but you may indeed have to introduce yourself to that new person who walks up to the group; however, you do need to stop wanting their attention so much.

Do they have any input into your child's playing position in a sport, or your child's role in a school event? Nope. You seem to be worried that if you aren't talking with some specific in-group of moms, your child is "missing out on opportunities" -- what opportunities do you mean? What do you think these parents and their kids can provide for your child if you get their attention? If you like these parents and want to know them for their own sakes -- and I've made some good friendships through my kid's activities with adults I like for themselves -- it's great to work on friendships. But it sounds as if you want to pursue conversations because you feel these parents are social gatekeepers to other things, events that you know happened but weren't invited to. Do you really want to be part of the crowd if you feel this uncomfortable trying to get in the door?

Of course be cordial and say hello to them; you know who they are (which is not the same as "you know them", nor do they really know you). Then when the mom you're talking with turns to someone else, just excuse yourself, leave, watch your kid play the sport or occupy yourself by helping out with the event. Maybe be the one who goes up to some other mom who's there on her own and introduce yourself and be the one to include HER.

Are you volunteering to take on tasks for your child's activities? That can really help you make some friendships that are much more real that just chatting during an event or game. And it puts you (and your child) on the radar of the coaches and teachers and PTA and generally helps everyone get things done. You'll be too busy volunteering during games or class events to worry about whether the other parents will include you in conversation, and you'll be benefiting your child, the team or class, and yourself.

You mention that you don't have as much money or status as others do. Please explore why you feel that matters so much. I really doubt these moms are intentionally trying to exclude you or make you feel "not good enough." Whenever I've felt like someone was doing that to me, I learned to remind myself that that person actually hasn't expended a single thought on me and isn't worrying about my worth - so why should I expend any mental energy on him or her? You need to be able to do that, to stop caring about getting the attention of people whom you perceive as somehow important ("I don't want my children to miss out....") but who are only as important as you let them be inside your own mind.

When you speak with someone alone and then others join you, introduce yourself if the other person does not introduce you within the first few minutes. Also smile and say "hi" when they walk up to the person you have been speaking to.

Some people very easily bring people together and others have not had much practice. It is not always on purpose, it is just not a natural or practiced skill for them.

I know at school functions or sports events it is easy to feel left out, but if you act and look approachable.. and sound approachable, people are happy to have you join them. "Hi, I am Curlousmom, my children are Cutie pie that is in Ms. Smiths class, and Dear Darling that is in Mr. Jones class." "Nice to meet you"

Consider keeping some hard candy in a bag inside your purse. I used to offer them to people at events. This was also an opening for introducing myself.

I think that like anyone, moms are just another group of people. You could insert "coworkers" or "students" or any other "group name". You won't get along with everyone, even if you have something in common. So I would figure out "Okay, this person isn't really good friend material, but I could be cordial when I see her." There's a group of moms at my DD's school and frankly I'm not sure how I fit in with them. They are friendly enough, but they are BFFs with each other. I have my own BFFs so I don't really need to be superclose with them. I think sometimes people look to these groups to provide friends when you really don't have much in common other than your kids are all on the same t-ball team. Don't worry so much about what they think. Even though I'm not close to the other moms, our kids are still friends and that's more what matters. Is your son happy on his team? Then that matters more than who sits on the bleachers with you.

IMO, most teams, schools, etc. need volunteers. One way to feel more important (and to really be more important) is to seek out those volunteer opportunities. It's easy to write a check. It's harder to agree to a task.

Sounds just like my town. Money is a huge thing with 16 yr olds getting new cars on their birthday. Crazy.

Anyhow, I found that you tend to make friends when you join things like PTA or clubs or volunteer for functions. Sitting by someone at a child's game is just convenience not really making friends. While it would have been nice and polite for the other mom to include you when her friend sat down (actually I think it was kind of rude that she didn't introduce you to make you feel part of the gang) she was seeing this as just sitting beside you watching her kid play not sitting beside her friend. I don't think it had anything to do with money.

So I'd say to volunteer to be on pta committees or go in and help out in the classroom. Be the mom who works with the coach to help the team. Find a civic organization in your town, join, and participate. Take an adult ed class or two. Its not about the money its about getting out there to meet people and let them meet you.

You don't. You don't 'measure up' to other moms. Why should you even go there in your head? Its got nothing to do with measuring up-- it's about the social dynamic.

Imagine, you go out to the park, see a mom you don't really know, talk to her for a few minutes, suddenly, someone you do know, someone you have some background with comes along and voila! You have another potential conversation. Sometimes those conversations are about things from your shared background and that third person, the one you don't know as well, might sit politely and listen. Maybe she'll chime in with a similar story to one shared, maybe not. Maybe she's a just a listener.

I do think, as another poster pointed out, that this is a self-esteem issue. It sounds like you are projecting your feelings of inferiority onto the other parents. There is nothing more draining for a person than someone who is needing lots of reassurance that they are 'okay'... if you are giving off that "I'm less than you" vibe, people will tend to leave you alone. If you aren't joining in conversations, people may think you aren't interested in *them*. Asking questions is how we show others that we have gone beyond our own selves and feelings and would like to focus on them. And that's how we make connections with other parents.

And projecting that anxiety onto your kids isn't going to help. Did you ever think that your kids own personalities and behavior influence how often they receive invites, and that this isn't about being judged?

I guess the other piece of it is simply this: if this is truly a bunch of judgy women, just do your own thing. There's no need to fixate on any social iniquities you feel are directed toward you. You can invite other kids to your house for playdates. You can have a barbeque and invite a couple families you'd like to get to know better, or even just one, so there are no distractions of 'other moms'. There are plenty of things you can do besides worrying...

Not good enough as in "I'm not good enough"? Nope.
"They're not good enough?" Probably.
In a perfect world, the reason they're not talking to you is because your not joining in, as noted below.
But mom cliques are tricky and cliquey!
I've seen that happen. To me, to a couple friends, to acquaintance type moms of mine.
These are the moms that think they can WILL their children's success, CONTROL their popularity, DETERMINE the pecking order!
Be polite, but be wary of people that treat you like this.
Most likely they're users and losers.
I'll tell you this much--it's interesting to watch come middle school when they're world crumbles, as parental involvement lessens!

I think I understand what you are talking about.

I am a warm person who loves to chat with everyone. I couldn't imagine sitting by someone and ignoring them. I like people to feel included, and I honestly don't get people who act as if other people aren't there! How do you make a human being invisible?

While I understand that there are different levels of comfort around people, I find it rude to ignore people that are sitting right there. I see women do this all the time.

It probably speaks directly too fang Bunny's question about friendship. People don't have time, thus they just don't bother. They are too busy.

It's not about measuring up, it's about, they have their connections and you just aren't important enough to connect too. They gain nothing, you are seen as a mechanism of time wastage.

Whenever I'm around women like that, I remind myself how luckily I am to not be one of them!

With those sorts, I'm friendly, but I then go off and try to mingle with other people. Ignore them, look elsewhere. That's all I can say.