"How to Confort My Daughter's Broken Heart"

If you really have concerns, I'd go to the teacher or administration and ask. It may be she is doing more poorly than you realized. And, you may not know how well the others did on their ISTEP scores. Many kids do better at testing than others. It's really hard to know just by their behavior how well a student does academically. But, if you go and ask, perhaps the school will shed some light.

Were you given an explaination as to why she wasn't accepted? Could you petition the school and ask for a review? Or how about going to a school board meeting to present your agruement?

If all that isn't possible tell her that they are the dumb ones. Tell her why you think they are dumb. Your agruement sounds solid to me. After that tell her it's an opportunity to prove them wrong. and what ever you have to do to conitnue her education you'll do. At a new school she be what ever she wants..reinvent herself. No one knows her. She'll probable be put in the advance classes. She'll make new friends though it doesn't seem like that right now. And if they are true friends from her old school they don't go away. Arrange playdates with them on weekends or over the summer. But if it were me I'd want a reason from the school?

Hi H.-

You are a very compassionate mother. Although you state that you're not quite sure how to comfort your daughter, you are probably doing exactly what she needs, without even knowing it. You sound very in tune with her, and she is lucky to have a wonderful mother like you.

I read some of the other responses, and I think they are all great. It probably would be a great idea to talk to the school about their decision. Afterall you are her #1 advocate, since she is so young. She will learn from you by watching your strong confidence as you approach the school.

Additionally, there may be some very deep lessons here for her to learn, and it's wonderful that she can learn difficult life lessons in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by people who love her. Perhaps she would benefit from hearing about how others failed at something important and picked themselves up and tried again. Take Abe Lincoln for example. He ran for president numerous times before winning. And Albert Einstein was considered really dumb when he was in grade school, and look where he ended up. I'm sure you could search the internet for more names of people who have overcome difficulties and failures. Maybe she would find the stories inspirational.

I believe that things happen for a reason. If, after speaking to the magnet school, you decide that she won't be attending that school, then maybe it is because she is meant to be somewhere else. Maybe there is a better school out there for her. Who knows. But you and her could explore your options together.

And one last thought...my mom always helped me when I was feeling bad by validating my feelings. She would say,"I know you are sad about _____. It's ok to feel that way." She helped me develop tools for coping with my changing emotions. The lessons I learned from her during my grade school and teen years have helped form me to be a confident and resouceful adult.

Good Luck to your family. I will keep you all in my thoughts.

Hi,

My son is in a gifted program and last year they tested him to see if he would advance to the algebra or pre algebra class. They said he did good on everything except he scored a 86 in math sequencing. So he went into pre algebra most of his friends went to the other class. He complained right from the start of the new year how board he was and the area he did bad on the test he Aced. So we came to the conclusion that he most of missed a bubble on that test and it threw all his other answers off also. I would ask to see the test if they have to fill in a bubble with the correct answer maybe she missed one on the answer sheet and it threw all the rest of her answers off. Although they gave my son the one of the finally test for the year he passed with a B but still would not move him up. I dont understand why they did not just give him the placement test. He is becoming board now and doing what I feared not turning stuff in and saying so what. Hope you can figure out what happen with her test.

M.

I would question the school. Ask specifically why children with lower grades and discipline problems were accepted but your daughter wasn't. Tell them your concern about your fear of her losing interest in school. See if they can change their minds and accept her. It couldn't hurt to try.

I suggest going to the school, or whoever makes the decision and demanding an explanation. Get your facts straight before you go, like the other children's test scores and grades, along with your daughter's. Ask what the decision is based on and make sure you understand the reason completely before leaving.

Hi H.,

I certainly wouldn't approach this as a way to bash those who got accepted or those who made the final decision. That's not matture to teach a child.

I would use this opportunity to teach her about perseverance. We don't always get what we want in life, but life does go on.

Find something else she can pursue.
Maybe another school she can get into or a new activity to strive for.
If she's to give up in school, that means she won't be able to handle LIFE!!

She WILL get rejected for schools, universities, sports, plays, boyfriends will reject her, girls will reject her as friend, she won't get every job she applies for.

What an early age to learn about it but what a wonderful opportunity for growth and maturity.

H.,
My children also attended a magnet school in indiana. Our school district used a lottery method for movement from elementary to middle school due to enrollment. This could be part of the problem. Check to see why she wasn't accepted as there could be some error. With our oldest we used a similar problem to teach her a lesson. Before this time we told her if she was a good student and well behaved she would get to do the extra activities she wanted. However, we learned that sometimes things are ran with popularity contests and she wasn't chosen by her peers because of being smart. She learned a hard lesson, that life is not always fair. After a discussion with the teacher we found that was how she ran different activities in her class. She didn't see a problem with this method. She didn't think the kids were picking based on popularity. She obviously didn't have any little girls.
Check into things but also look for other choices, you may find something that is even better for her.
Good luck
T.

Dear H.,
I know how you feel as a mother - your heart is breaking for her. I do understand what she is feeling too. I moved around from school to school, and my children did too as my husband was in the Marine Corp.

Please let her know that is actually can be looked at as an opportunity to reinvent herself. She will be going to school with people who don't know her, and she has a chance to make new friends. She also can still associate with her friends who are going in another direction. This is something that happens throughout your life, and although it is difficult, it can also be a new adventure.

If she knows some of the people who will be in her new school, invite them over so she can get to know them better. That way she won't feel as if she doesn't know anyone. This will ease her transition.

I hope this helps.

T. Lawrence

I would talk with her about how things happen for a reason. Maybe she has something greater in store for her. Maybe she will be used to help others. What if she went to the school that turned her down and became unhappy. Friends will always be there,if they are real friends, but making new friends should be something to look foreward to.Have her to look at this as a challenge , a chance to go where she hasn't been and that if she takes the challenge , she can conquer it and be a winner. Tell her how strong she is and that you have faith that she can overcome and take the path less used and make a new one. There are going to be many disappointments and that now is the time to learn to meet those challenges head on. She may be young but in this day, life seems to be disappointments and challenges sooner than years ago. Now this is the time to begin to face them and learn that with the positive attitude and a determination, the out come is up to her and is in her best interest to become the winner. She is in charge of many of the outcomes in her life now and in the future.

H.,

I too have a daughter that has been in the magnet program since grade school. She is now in middle school and doing well. Please try to get your daughter to understand with the magnet program it is generally done on a first come first serve basis and has nothing to do with who is smarter. If a childs application for certain programs has been received way before the specified deadline then they have a better chance of being excepted in that particular program. Please encourage her to stay hopeful and not give up on her education. Let her know that she can always try again next year and please make sure that you explain to her that it is not always who's the smartest that ends up in the program but who gets their application in way ahead of time. Those programs have limited spaces and tend to fill up very quickly.

A meeting with the school is definitely in order. At a minimum your daughter needs to be given the oportunity to retake the test -- or you need to find out what happened on the test since her other scores are so high. Maybe you need to get an ISEP (I think that stands for individual Student Educational Plan) in case she happens to be a child that doesn't take tests well. Tests are not an indicator of a child's ability to learn or do the work and so can't be used to penalize a child. An ISEP would require the school to give your child more time to take the test -- if the test is timed and that's the problem. Answering lots of questions quickly doesn't prove anything about how a child learns. So go back to that school and advocate for your child. Do not take no for an answer--be calm, but firm. An ISEP is a good way to force the school to give your child the extra consideration and help she needs. They can't discriminate against her when she has an ISEP. All parents have to start advocating for their children as passing tests has nothing to do with how a child develops or learns or reaches their full potential. So go for it.

I am a retired 4th grade public school teacher. Magnet schools operate differently than regular schools. Sometimes thay have certain profiles or quotas to fill that have nothing to do with student performance. If it is a magnet school run by a charter, they can pretty much do as they please. You need to make an appointment with the teacher and calmly tell her that you want her to show you the criteria for acceptance to the next school and to explain in detail exactly why your daughter was not accepted. You have a right to know this. Make sure you tell the teacher when you make the appointment what you want. That way there won't be any "I don't have that information" when you get there. They may reconsider their decision and allow her to continue, but if not, don't make a big deal out of this for your daughter's sake. Just tell her she is going to a different school next year. All students transition to new schools sometime during their school career and they are apprehensive about the change. They get over it in a week. Good luck.

Hi H.,
While it is certainly tough to see your children not suceed in their endeavours, however here is your golden opportunity to teach that you don't always get what we want in life. A tough pill to swallow but all the true. Go to the new schools open house, seek out clubs, offer to host a meeting to meet new moms in the school...network girl! Good luck!

B. Q.

I think you have grounds to appeal the district/school board. AND consult a lawyer. Go in with your daughter's test results and ask them why she did not get in. Be proACTIVE on this one. Good luck!

;-)M. in Cincinnati www.nikken.com/M.

I know how it hurts when our children are hurting, and we wish
we could take the pain away, truth is though, we can't. We have to realize that they will have to get life experiences for themselves, even though we don't want them to go through these really tough times in their life, they always make it through. All we can do is be there for them when they fall and need alittle help getting up. We must let them experience life for themselves. With all these life experiences it is preparing them for adulthood where they will be fine young adults with a good head on their shoulders. So don't worry. And there are more trials and test ahead. So let her know that you are behind her 100% that you will love her no matter what happens.
Hope I have helped you some. I have a 26 yr old
daugther. Who I'm very proud of. She was able to get a new car
when she was 22, she had such good credit she did not have to
have anyone co-sign for her. The dealership was very impressed, I was soooo proud of her. She maybe getting a better job with more money of course, but we're still waiting
to hear about that. She married to a really great guy, I just
love him. He has been so good for her. Yes we had some rough
places along the way, but we've made it this far.
Anyway just love her no matter what. K. McConnell

Have you spoken with the school and asked them to explain why she was not included? Perhaps your daughter fell through the cracks and they don't realize. Squeaky wheels do get oiled. Nonetheless, it's important for your daughter to see how you respond to the disappointment, because in life we all have to face them unjust or justly. Make the disappointment into an opportunity; find another school that has what she is strongly interested in and when she is happily settled elsewhere, this will be seen as just a bump in the fabric of life. It is important for her to know that YOU aren't seeing her as a failure somehow.

You should see what she failed on. Then see if you can get them to retst her again. Does your daughter panic when she has to take a test. My cousin had that problem. She would do really good in school, then when it came to test she panic and fail them.

You can comfort her by being positive! Things happen for a reason and this may be the best for her. We don't always know why -- -- but it is usually for our best. Support her in her transistion period. Love her through her tears. Hug her when she is angry. A year from now she will have made new best friends. Encourage her to keep in touch with the old friends. This is a part of life and it is your job to encourage her to do well in everything she does. She will follow your lead. Don't talk negative in front of her about this and she will soon look at things differently. Come on Mom, show her your best side.

I would start by looking over your daughter's test scores and then seeing if she can re-take the test, by herself. Even through college I had high grades and no problem with the work given to me but I have always had trouble with tests. Most tests, like this one, given don't even cover the amount of information taught to children. They cover math and english, which is only a portion of what we learn and use in everyday life, therefore they are not a fair judge of her knowledge.

H., Who is more disappointed and sad you or your daughter? Does she feel in some way that she has disappointed you? That somehow she is not good enough? Perhaps going to a new school is just what she needs. Who knows what opportunities are just waiting for her. Who can be sure what she will discover and what kind of new connections and new friends she will make. Becareful not to gather evidence to support a conclusion for the future - like "I fear she has lost interest in school" - you don't want that to leak out and her to hear that. And I hear you say "regular" school" - she can go to any school - it is up to her to choose how she wants to be. "Regular" sounds a bit negative a bit disappointing. Perhaps you can help her to see that this is a real opportunity for her - a new beginning. It is a life lesson - you and I both know that things don't always go the way we plan them - and we do have it in us to make a choice to make the most of all that is presented to us. Although you might not see it right now - there is a gift in the "not accepted". Your daughter just might find comfort in your belief in this gift.

My biggest piece of advice would be if you really are unsure about why your daughter did not get in, find out the answer. You have to be proactive in this day and age. Not to get your hopes up but the peope who make decisions are human and can make mistakes. I think in this case, it would be worth it to check with your daughter's teacher (or maybe the principal or a committee?) at the very least. That is where I would start.
Beyond that, she is going to take her cues from you. Validate her feelings of loss, focus on her good efforts in school so far and talk to her about the new adventure this can be - the new friends she can make or the ones she might already know. And just give her some time. Are you still feeling sad? Then why wouldn't she?

Dear H.,

That must be so hard for your daughter! Is there any way you can appeal the decision? Have you talked to her teacher and principal? You could point out the fact that someone with lower grades and lower ISTEP scores was accepted and your daughter was not, and ask for an explanation. That seems like a valid question, if grades and ISTEP scores are what count for getting into the new school. And remember, you pay the salaries of the school employees, through taxes, so they should answer your questions! (Not that you want to be nasty about it, but they do work for you)

Also, was your daughter sick on the day(s) of the tests? If so, maybe they could take that into account, or maybe let her re-take them.

Is there any way you could see her test, her answer sheet, and the correct answers? They can do this for the college tests (ACT and SAT) so you can see where you made your mistakes. She may have answered the questions right but filled in the oval for the wrong question; for instance, she put the answer for question 2 in the line for question 3, and then just got "off" from there. That would lower her score in a hurry. If that is what happened, maybe they could re-score her test or let her take it again.

If none of these work, you're back to trying to comforher. Unfortunately life is not always fair, and that sounds like a really lame excuse to give to a nine year old, but maybe it's the best you can do. By all means let her express her grief, and express yours too (appropriately--your feelings of sadness, disappointment IN THE SITUATION not in her, not bashing the "System" or the teachers or whoever). Reassure her that you love her because she is your child, regardless of where she goes to school, and that you have no doubt of her abilities. I don't know if your family believes in God or not, if you do, you could say that maybe this is part of God's plan for her, that "it was meant to be". (I would not say this until I had checked with school officials, thought! You don't want her to just blindly accept everything without question.)

If she ends up going to the regular school, maybe you could help her make friends by having a new friend come over for dinner or to spend time on the weekend. You can also offer her other enrichment activities outside of school, such as Scouts; music, dance, or art lessons; sports; the YWCA, etc. Also she may want to keep in touch with her friends from her current school, you could encourage that by having those friends over for dinner, etc.

Maybe she can get into a Magnet high school (if you have them) after middle school?

It is really hard for us parents to get to the point where we realize we can't fix everything that goes wrong in our kids' lives. I remember as a child realizing that my parents couldn't do it, and that was tough, but believe me, it is hundreds of times worse on the parent side!

I hope some of this helps. Sorry for running on a bit long. Good luck!

K. Z.

A little about me: I am 51, mom to 2 boys, 13 and 16; musician, and a substitute teacher. Married for 21 years, and a former resident of Indiana, which is where I think you are, judging from the reference to ISTEP!

Perhaps your daughter is not academically challenged, but gets nervous taking tests, giving low scores.
Keep her in touch with her friends by inviting them over the house, and keeping play dates.
Teach her how to make new friends. Take her mind off things and enroll her in sports or extra cirricular activities.
Teach her good coping skills that will last a lifetime.
To ease your mind, speak with the faculty as to why the application was denied.

Make sure she is in a sport or something where she has both successes and failures on a regular basis. studies show that the only two consistent factors to a child's success in school is 1. parental involvement, and 2. the ability to pick yourself up and keep going when you fail (or don't succeed) it has nothing to do with money, social status or the school they attend. learning to deal with disappointment and go on is one of life's key lessons and 9 is not too early to learn that. I'm sure she'll do well in whatever school she attends as long as you are involved, and maybe she'll make some really lifelong friends.

Did you talk to the school to find out why she was not accepted?

Unfortunately, life is not fair. It is a lesson we must all learn.

Point out the good things about going to a different school, the new friends she will make, the different programs that will be offered, etc. Take her to the new school and let her visit for a day, most schools will allow this.

P. R

First and foremost, have you asked the administrators WHY she wasn't accepted? I think when you know the WHY, sometimes it makes it easier to swallow. Sometimes, not always. Maybe there was something else that you're not aware of. ASK THEM FIRST, then address from there. REGARDLESS.......try to see both sides.

Secondly, you need to remind this child that life is FULL of dissapointments. NO ONE.... NO WHERE....goes through life without them! On top of that........what's to say that she might not have a teacher who sees her gifts, talents, etc who encourages her beyond the point she might have in the other school? Sometimes people look at what they DONT have rather than what they might gain in the process. FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.....new friends (NOT that she can't still stay in touch and spend time with the old ones).....new experiences.

YOUR ATTITUDE DETERMINES YOUR ALTITUDE!! Princess or no princess.....life is not aways fair nor is it always a party. The quicker you learn that, the easier life will be and the better prepared you are for other things that come your way.....good, bad or indifferent.

Hi, H. --

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation for you and your daughter. The first thing that occurs to me is that, if I were in your shoes, I would DEMAND an accounting from the program as to why your daughter was not included, despite her stellar performance and the apparent under-performance of some of the other accepted applicants. You deserve and objective quantification of their rationale. Considering how devastated your daughter is, it is the LEAST they can do for you, and you have nothing to lose.

Second, I can tell you this... For K/1st - 4th grades, I attended a school I loved. I had lots of friends, wonderful teachers, and was very involved in school, very happy, and very enriched. When the school closed after my 4th grade year, my parents made the decision to let me test into the Gifted and Talented program, which I was accepted into for 5th and 6th. Unfortunately, this program was not being offered at the school where all my friends were transfered, so I started a new school.

My parents had high hopes that this program would be fun and stimulating, challenging, and interesting for me. Instead, it turned out to be tons of homework and repetition, extremely large workload, and a lot of outright nastiness from both my teachers and my fellow students. As a child who'd always loved school and had lots of friends, this was a terrible shock to my system, and, in fact, I blocked it out for a number of years, once I was back with my original friends when we got to Jr. High. It was like a very bad dream.

So, though this is not a super consollation for your daughter, I can tell you that you never really know that something will end up being as great as you think it will be. I got good grades always, but I really suffered in 5th and 6th, and it was miserable and almost crushing for me. Perhaps, though this exclusion seems like a horrible slight to your daughter and an inexplicable disappointment, there's a higher purpose in it. Maybe she'll escape having to endure an over-competitive environment and find new ways to shine elsewhere. She can excel wherever she goes, and I'm sure you can find resources to ensure she continues to learn, grow, and be stimulated. Consider that this might be a blessing in disguise, though you won't necessarily know why right now.

I wish you the best! My accellerated education years didn't do squat for me beyond what my old school's education had been, so don't worry too much that this will set her back. Just stay on top of things and make sure she continues to have the opportunities she deserves in the years to come. Once she's in the honors or advanced-placement track, she'll stay in it as long as she's having success with the coursework, so it will be all up to her.

Take care,
H.

Have you spoken to the teachers? Maybe they could better answer your questions as to why she was not chosen.

You could also try to speak with the administrator to the school where she wants to attend and see if there is anything that could be done to still get her in.

Was the selection process for the middle school a lottery?
If so, then the teachers did a poor job of informing students and parents that some children would not be selected.
I would go to the school system and see if she could be placed on a waiting list in case a place for her might become available(if another child moved for example).
I am sorry that your daughter has to experience this....one of my daughters had a similar experience at the same age.
I would speak to her new school and tell them how upset she is, and ask her teacher to try to challenge her if possible.
Also, it is time to realize the importance of school for what it is, a place to learn, and an opportunity to meet new people and move on.