Help:i Am Getting Tired of My Husband's Messes.....

He will never change.
He may change.
He will change.

Think about what is the real answer.
What are you going to do about it?

Why does it bother you so much?

You will never change.
You may change.
You will change.

Think about what is the real answer.
What are you going to do about it?

Who is going to change?
What is the compromise?
Is a compromise even possible?

I have known my husband since I was 13. We have been married almost 30 years. No one will ever love me the way he loves me. I have never met a better father.
He is messy. He is ADHD. He has no sense of time, or dates and never will.

I have known him all of these years, but I love him and am lucky to have him. I tease him, my daughter teases him, we yell at him, we just do what we can and when he does throw something away we are so grateful, we make a really big deal about it and he chuckle, cause he knows his faults..

My big fault? I am bossy, I am a control freak, I like order, I am always ahead of time, I plan everything and every detail. But he keeps me around anyway.

You married him for a reason, keep remembering why.

Hi, J. - I totally understand where you are coming from. Coming from a home where my father was a complete neat freak, I never understood how men could be such piggies! lol My husband and I both work, and we also have an understanding. We try to do half and half of the work. He does the cooking, and I do the cleaning. He scrubs the tub, cleans the car, bathes the kids, and I do the laundry, ironing, sweeping, and mopping. If I ask him to pick up his dirty clothes, dishes, etc. He usually will. If not, my kids are at the stage where helping is fun, so they will take his shoes to the closet, clothes to the hamper, and easy stuff like that. I have learned to kind of get over it, especially since he helps me with a lot of other things. I don't know if this helps or not, but I hope everything works out for you.

Sooooo many of us have the same problem. And just who raised these boys? Moms. Ironic.

A few things I did to calm me down: I bought paper plates and bowls so that I did not have dishes to do. For a meal I use regular dishes-this is for his snacking. And I got one of those pop up portable laundry baskets and put it on his side of the bed and showed him how much I think of his needs and if he could just drop clothes in his own basket then he would not have to walk all the way to the bathroom. I did this in a vwey nice way-not being condescending in any way. Ya, a tad of a game but it has soothed SOME of the savage beast in me.

J.,
Hi there! I'm going to give you some advice that a lady on Mamasource gave me. Get the book by Debi Pearl, "Created to be his help meet", and read it cover to cover. Then decide if your husband's mess is worth you living alone in an apartment you can't afford, with your daughter being raised in a daycare, and getting minimal A-support, while YOUR husband is married to someone else who accepts him for who he is.
I am living this - really! Over stupid stuff I lost my husband to another woman - because of this book, I am winning him back and learning to respect him as a man and to seperate him from being one of the kids. If you love and respect him by picking up quietly after him with a loving smile on your face - he will in turn, appreciate you and start picking up for himself. You are not being a doormat, you are simply loving your husband in the right direction. Women's liber's HATE this!
Men really do think differently than us. If our spouse says to us that they are bothered by something, our guilt button is pushed and we change - especially if they show they are displeased with a negative reaction or dirty look. But when we do the same to them, the button that gets pushed for them is..."she disrespects me and treats me like the kids." Then he will have no trouble finding a woman who doesn't push that button. At least, temporarily enough to get him away from you!
Read this book with an open mind. It has changed many lives and marriages - and then change your attitude before you wind up in divorce court - which is where I NEVER thought I'd be because I thought I was a GREAT wife and that he was will taken care of and loved. I was wrong.
Praying for you,
D.

when you finally figure out how to stop your husband from doing this, write a book, and i will buy it.

and so will every other woman on the face of the earth

Well he may not see the importance of cleaning to the extent you do so you may have to be more flexible than you would like, but I think there are some things you can do. I have been trying to keep the dishwasher always ready with dirty dishes. That way when we use a dish, we can just put in the dishwasher directly. Sometimes I will just say "hey FYI the dishes in the dishwasher are dirty, so put your stuff in there please" It is all in the way you say it, not like and order but like a thoughtful request. Otherwise you will come off naggy and they have like a sensor in their brains that seems to shut off the ability to hear if they perceive nagging!! Anyway, if he won't do that, then you can go on strike, if you can handle it. I have a friend that does that from time to time. She just strikes and if anyone asks for anything, she says they are free to go and clean a dish and get it themselves, eventually they clean up! I haven't ever done it, but she says it works! My hubby and I are about equal in the chores etc. He does restrooms, the lawn, and the cars. When he is getting super busy with stuff at work, I pick up the slack or just don't worry about it until he has time to get to it! That works for us, but sometimes things do get backed up. Now as far as not throwing anything away goes, that is a hard one to break. You may have to just institute the 10 min pick up before bed or something, where everyone, including Dad do a quick run around the house for trash, putting laundry in baskets, picking up toys etc. I am thinking of starting that one myself! As a wife and mom you will probably bear the brunt of the housework, it just usually goes that way. But if you get him to agree to help you out a little and make it a team effort, where he can rescue you from the overwhelming chores that will probably work the best. Men love to be the hero and he will probably like the results when you come to bed less tired and more interested in other things........;)Best wishes!!:)

The only thing you can do is change how you react to this. When I hear that word, I think of Nuclear Reactors and the fall out is never good!!!
Check out flylady.net and she will help you with how to defuse the reactor syndrome.

Hi J.,
OMG are you sure we're not married to the same man? ;)
The dinner plate stays on the couch after he's done eating, the socks stays on the floor when he takes them off, the cabinet drawers stays open after he's been looking through them, etc etc---until I go behind him. ITS SO FRUSTRATING!!!
But on the flip side of that, he is the hardest working man I've ever known, a loving husband and a wonderful father. You can't change him. You take the good with the not so good. lol
Oh yea at times I too feel like I'm picking up after 2 kids instead of just one, but I know those '2' kids love me unconditionally . Lord knows I'm not perfect.

I can tell you that I live in opposite world. My husband is the clean one and I am the more "relaxed" one (I am not filthy by any means I don't leave trash around or dishes all over the house, and I do get laundry in the hamper). He literally will drive me crazy that nothing can be out of place, a dish cannot live in the sink over night, a piece of laundry must not only be folded a certain way (he is ex-military) but put away ASAP. He will come in behind me and unload a dirty dishwasher to load it "correctly". He will refold laundry already folded and put away in his drawer. Some days I feel like I can do nothing right, and sometimes honestly I just leave it for him because it makes me so mad to see him do it all over again after I have done it (why bother??) I feel so angry when he cleans behind me or jumps on the bathroom in disarray while I am still getting the kids dried off and into their pajamas. We have been married for 13 years this month and we both compromise a lot...I make the bed for him everyday (it doesn't bother me to get in an unmade bed), I go around and straighten the house best I can right before he arrives home, I cook dinner and HE does the dishes (after all he does them "right"), I bathe and pj the kids, he reads stories and tucks in, we both work on laundry (I wash/dry/and put away...I let him fold ;-) Well, I don't know if this helps or not...but I hate it when he makes me feel like an incompetent child by sweeping the kitchen floor minutes after I have already done it...so sometimes I give up...so,when your husbands does do something, leave it alone and thank him!!

Picture him in your mind with a really hot looking, sexy woman, Oh and shes rich and sweet too, who idolizes him and doesnt care if he is messy as long as he is with her.... this always helps...LOL

Hi J.,

I can totally relate to your situation! My husband (and son) leave messes around the house and it bugs the you- know-what out of me! I love the previous poster's suggestion to look at picking up after someone as an act of love rather than a chore. I think I've done this for many years, but now at age 51 I'm not producing enough estrogen to take care of everyone else anymore! I do work outside of the home and I noticed that my daughter helped clean up a lot more than my son or husband do. Hmmm.

I think part of it is socialization. We females cater to males and do a lot for them. I'd like my husband to help more because he is modeling that for our son. However, my husband does work hard, cooks, and is an incredible Dad!

Also, I've gotten a maid twice a month and I ask my husband, "Please do this, please pick up your so and so." It seems weird that we'd have to be this concrete with another adult, but everyone has a different level of comfort with disarray.

Good Luck!
D.

I agree with Debbie. I was just about to recommend the same book, Created To Be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. After reading this book, I realized how good of a husband I have and I stopped nagging him for his messes. I started respecting him and telling him that I appreciate what he does for us. Instead of nagging, I compliment when he does something right. I realize that he works hard for our family and he comes home to me every evening. I don't have to search for him at bars or worry about him gambling our money away. I am so glad to be his wife and I realize that though he may not be exactly the way I want him to be, I know I am not exactly how he wants me to be either. Nobody is perfect and I would rather live with his messiness than be alone searching for another man who will also let me down one way or another. New man = New problems.

With this new outlook on our marriage, I have seen my husband do more for me than I ever thought he would. It didn't happen overnight though so don't give up. I will be praying for you!

God bless!

Send him back to his mommy.... you are his wife. Let the house go and let him see the mess he leaves behind. He obviously thinks you are the maid and with good reason, you keep cleaning up after him (not attacking, just helping you see why it has gotten where it has gotten.)He needs some behavior modification... don't clean up after him. Eventually, he will have no choice. I know it may confuse your daughter but if she is old enough to understand that daddy doesn't clean up his mess, she will understand that you are trying to teach him a valuable lesson, just like you do with her. At the end of the day, it is about respect and it seems he has very little for you. He needs to understand that and you need to get his respect. Again you are his wife, not is mommy!

I also live with a "Messy Marvin." He rarely cleans up after himself. But, after about ten years of marriage I finally realized that it was a marriage. I'm not his mother and he is not my father. I can't tell him what to do, anymore than he can tell me what to do. He does not tell me when or what to cook for dinner. He doesn't tell me when to put away the clothes he washed and folded. He asks me. Asking an adult instead of telling them goes a long way. I tell my kids what to do, not my husband. When I ask, he usually does what I ask him to do, in his time. He doesn't necessarily do it my way, but it gets done. After all, there is more than one way to do anything. We are both a lot more calm and life is not as stressful as it once was. I'm sure there are things he would want you to do differently. Just ask him.

I know you're frustrated with your husband, but does he do anything right? This may not be what you want to hear, but praise him for the things he does do right instead of looking for all the negatives. Yes, a mess is irritating, but you will catch more bees with honey than vinegar. What made you fall in love with him? Look for the positives. Maybe, if you sat down with him and thank him for the things he does do right, and then lovingly tell him how his messes make you feel. For instance: "It makes me feel..." FEEL being the key word to use, it's not as threatening- "I feel hurt when after I spend all day cleaning the kitchen and it's messy again...could you please help me out by putting your dishes in the washer, I'd really appreciate it, thanks." Then thank him if he helps, even if you feel he should do it without being thanked, he may be more willing to help.
When he does help you out, don't critisize how he puts the dishes in the washer, or how he folds the cloths, or how he cleans the bathroom...ect. Because if you do, you'll be met with resistance, and a why bother attitude; because he feels nothing he does is good enough. Now, I'm not saying you are doing this, but be careful not too. critisism kills relationships! If you tried talking with him to
no avail, then perhaps you need to go to a marriage counciler. Good luck.

Life is sometimes a trade off. You do what keeps you sane. He does what he needs to do. My husband washes my car. I wouldn't wash it unless it was required to start it.
If you can't think of things he does that you don't want to do, then while you are doing some chore see if you can get him to agree to a set time and place to do the chore for you (eg. shower and tubs every Sat). Then as you pick up the papers, wash the dishes you say to yourself, "glad I'm not washing car, shower, deck......" and you buy yourself some sanity. This is not a power struggle unless you make it one.
RE: laundry. I only wash what is in the hamper so no clean socks would be a normal consquence. Same as for kids.

Good luck.

I understand where you are coming from. My husband does the exact thing. I've always thought they grow out of it the longer they've been around their wives, but I'm kinda scared that it might not happen, especially since you have been married to your husband for 5 years. I've been married for 2, and I just don't understand. I've told him and told him so many times to please clean up after himself. I feel like a nag for doing it, so I've just given up. Sorry for rambling on, but I would suggest that since he might cut you off while talking to him about cleaning up after himself, I would write a letter. Sit down, while your calm and all by yourself, and just write him a letter and explain yourself. Tell him how you feel, and how him making a mess just makes more work for you and how unhappy it makes you. Well, that is my suggestion. I've have done the letter thing a couple of times, cause when I get mad, my words get all rambled up, and I just can't really thing straight. So I go in a room with no distractions and calm down, and write everything that I was trying to say. It works. Cause they can't interrupt your letter. Give it to him and have him read it all the way through without talking to you. If he has something to say, tell him he has to wait till after he reads the whole letter. Hope that helps. sorry for rambling again.

J.,
WOW, lots of responses. Thanks for asking the question...You are NOT alone!! I'm w/the other responder, when you figure it out, write a book and I'll definitely stand in line to purchase it!

Take care, lots of luck.

Good morning, J.. I thought it would be a good idea to ask my husband what advice he would give you so I read your question to him. I got a big kick out of the way he was ready with advice and I secretly wondered if he saw himself in any of this.... smile. Actually, he had some good ideas and they are exactly the methods I used to get his cooperation many years ago and they are things I continue to reinforce. Here is what he said, "In a nice way tell him it is your goal to keep the kitchen counter clear so for the next two days, will he please help you do that by putting empty candy wrappers, juice boxes, etc. directly into the trash, Tell him you also want the sink clear of dishes "so please just rinse your dish and put it into the dishwasher." See how that works. If he does it, give him credit, a big kiss and a thank you and an "I appreciate your cooperation"..... this last part is what I added. Tell him how much more pleasant it is to walk into the kitchen and see it neat and clean and that it makes cooking so much easier and joyful. Be sincere. Cooking is joyful to me if I have a clean, well organized place to work. If it isn't joyful to you don't say that it is. You may not think this praise should be necessary but if it adds to your happiness, why not do it? It should be welcomed by your husband. Sometimes we don't realize the tough things our guys go through out there in the world. Men tend to keep things to themselves and their feelings can be crushed without our knowing it.

Now, what if he doesn't comply, I asked. My husband said to leave it for a week. UGH! That would be hard to do but my husband's idea is that he will see what a pile of mess he has been expecting you to clean up. He said at the end of the week to announce that "we are going to clean up the kitchen." I don't know how that will work with your husband but aim for cooperation, not confrontation. I love peace and harmony. My husband does, too, but for a long time he did not know how to help us both achieve that and I guess in the beginning I didn't know how to either. It was trial and error.

In regard to the socks, my husband said to leave them where he drops them and don't wash them when you do the laundry. Eventually, he will run out of socks. In my opinion, that would cause chaos for you so here is what I would do. Announce that this is wash day, so be sure any of your clothing that needs washing is in the bin/basket, whatever. I have three mesh baskets. One is for socks and underwear, anther for medium colors and the third is for darks. I keep them in the same order because my husband is legally blind and has memorized where each basket is in the line. He is very good about keeping his dirty laundry in the baskets. He occasionally has to ask me whether his yellow shirt goes with medium or dark clothes but that is because he can't always tell colors. Be patient.

We share cooking chores. He peels the carrots, and chops the onions. I dice the bell peppers. Either he cooks the sausage and eggs and I pour the juice and make toast or viee-versa. When the dryer dings, I tell him to come help me hang the clothes. I pull them from the dryer and he puts them on hangers and carries them to our closets. He folds and puts away the rest of the laundry. He is as likely to make the bed as I am. It is a good life.

One day, I pray you look back over these very busy years of raising your children and find that in your empty nest, you experience real companionship. And, then you will smile seeing how far you have come.

Now, for all you ladies who think this is too much trouble to go to to train your guy, keep reading. Sometime back in the 70's, I bought a little book called, "You Can Be the Wife of a Happy Husband." And, my thinking was "he gets everything he wants, why shouldn't he already be happy. What about me? I sometimes feel like passing my exit on the highway and just keep traveling until I run out of gas, just escape. At least for a while" Never-the-less, I read the book and applied the principles.... even if I did it with gritted teeth." Let me tell you it was worth it. I cannot tell you exactly what the book said but I willed myself to follow it. On August 2nd this year, we will celebrate our 57th wedding anniversary. We are proud of our three children and their spouses, our grandchildren and great-grandchildren. God is good; life is good.

B.
A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. My guy will do a lot for hugs and kisses.

OMG, I think this is my husdand and Alicia, you said it perfectly! My husband is also in the Army, I am a SAHM and I have found it easier to do most of the chores myself as well. I do find myself angry at times because I feel like that is all I do...clean up after my 6 year old, my 17 month old and my 43 year old! :) What I have tried to do is find a couple of things that he is responsible for like cleaning the cat box, washing his and my 6 year old's laundry. Although, I do find it will be several days since the cat box is cleaned out and that makes me angry. Oh well, I at times come to the fact of "if you can't beat them, join them!" Then it takes me a week to clear the damage. Plus, we are trying to sell our house right now, so I can't let anything go undone! My thought is "where is my praise for all that I do?" I think this is just something that we need to accept and just move on with it instead of fighting or nagging. It could be worse, one of my friends has a husband that is completely OCD and it drives her crazy!! :0)

J.,I feel your pain. I have no advice,just know your not alone. Good Luck!!!! C

Mine is like that a lot too. it really affects me--I will start leaving things out because it feels so unfair to let him slack if I don't get to slack also. Then the house gets messy real fast.

We've been married for almost 10 years. By now, we've realized that change just isn't going to happen. We've made a few compromises, which help a tiny bit--he is responsible for the cat box and most of the yard. It's not a perfect compromise because I'm doing dishes and laundry, etc., every day, and he's works on the yard once every 2 weeks. (And cleans the cat box about as often--definitely not ideal!)

So, one way to get over it is to think of something you'd like him to do that he'll actually do. It doesn't have to be related to housework. If you can think of him doing that task for you in exchange for you picking up after him, it might make you feel better about the situation, because unfortunately, it is unlikely his behavior will change (at least not permanently). Over New Years a few months ago, our daughter and I went to see my parents and left him by himself at home because he didn't have enough time off. He realized that it actually took work to keep those dishes washed. So, he told me for his New Year's resolution, he would start helping me with the dishes. It lasted less than a month. Every now and then temporary change happens, but it seems not to be permanent. Good luck.

www.flylady.org If you don't pick it up then you have to live with it. He doesn't seem to see the mess, so you will be the one who suffers. As frustrating as it is to live with this man, if you develop an attitude of martyrdom, it won't help him desire to do what is right or help out...check out fly lady she has a theory about getting help around the house...its hard to hear but...just check it out.

You are definitely not alone. MANY women complain about the same things! My dad will open up a candy and leave the wrapper on the counter right NEXT to the trash can, but those extra INCHES to the trash can are just TOO FAR, I guess. He's been doing that for almost 40 years and my mom has never told him a thing. Which brings me to my point. COMMUNICATION. I hug my husband from behind when he's sitting down and kiss him gently on the neck or ear and say gently "Take out the trash for me, Honey?" or "Papa, I'm gonna do laundry, bring me all yours and the boys' dirty clothes, please." It usually works wonders. As for my dad, I've told him to be careful where he leaves his socks cuz someone may come by to visit and they'll SEE them! "You might get embarrassed," I told him. It worked. Good luck!

I have the same problem. Not sure what to do about it either as me simply asking him nicely doesn't work. I think he was raised that way. BUT...you could try talking to him about the fact that his actions will be taught to your daughter. She will copy what she sees. Or you could do like my Mom did and go on strike! Flat out refuse to do ANYTHING until he takes a better interest in picking up after himself and let him know that is why you're doing it! Good luck!

First of all know that you are not the only one with this problem. I too have the same exact issue with my hubby of 7 years. When you described the candy wrapper and sock thing I almost burst out laughing b/c that's my husband to a "T." Second, know that it can get better but it will require some work on your part. I would suggest talking to him when you are calm and the kids are in bed. Tell him how it makes you feel (frustrated, unappreciated, used, etc.) when he does those things. This can at least open the lines of communication. He may not realize he's doing anything wrong and it's no big deal. Explaining it to him may help push him to change his ways. Good luck!

I would save money however you have to do it and hire Molly Maid or some other maid service for one time. Let him see how expensive it is. That's one option. THe other is just to LEAVE all of his mess, then if it drives you crazy to be in the kitchen, go out to eat. I know this may be hard with a youngster, but if you are able to it will keep you from having to be in the kitchen. Then, you could also stop making his dinner or washing his clothes until he realizes that you aren't comfortable being the maid for an adult male. Of course, it's always best to try to talk to them, but I have the feeling you've been there and done that. There is also the list - of what you do.... make that up and then hand it to him and ask him what part of it he would be willing to do so that you won't need to have Molly Maid again.

I was/in the same situation. The reason why I say was/in is because my boyfriend of 13yrs was the same exact way. He still does it sometimes but he is getting better. Before hand I would yell and get frustrated and he would not comply or listen. So I tried just talking to him in a calm matter just letting him know that what he was doing was not right nor was it acceptable. He would be embarrassed that if friends come over and a roach or something would come out!LOL Just try a different approach with him and see where that gets you. I thought I was the only one with this problem until now. You hit the nail right on the head. I hope your situation gets better.

If you have been with him for 10 years and only married for 5, my guess is you knew he was a slob when you married him, but thought that you could change him right? WRONG! I know it is hard to be a neat/ clean freak and have to live with a messy/ it's clean enough freak! I am living that one pretty much right now! First of all, give up the idea that you can change him. he is not wired like you. He doesn't make these messes to piss you off, he makes them because that is WHO HE IS! Here is my suggestion... Sit down with him and tell him that you know that you both have argued over this plenty. and you want to find a solution. What if you go ahaed and pick up after him ( like you know you are going to do anyway, because that's how your wired... those messes can't sit there as long as you have two hands and two feet to walk over and clean it up right?) So in order to make you feel like you are not his slave, you make up a chore list, a fair chore list , things that he can and is willing to do, that make you feel fair and justified to pick up after him, maybe it's yard work, vacuuming, taking care of kids, car maintenence, what ever chores he can do, that you maybe don't like to do! and will make you feel like it is somewhat balanced out. then make him promise to do these chores within a time frame that you both can compromise to agree on. let's face it , we already know he is not going to jump up and do it immediately! So maybe, before bed, by saturday, by the end of the month( depending on what chores you choose and agree on. Most married people feel like "They do all the work around here!" But if you really took inventory, you may be surprised at how much he does do, that you don't take notice of. i never paid attention, till i split with my first husband of what he did. Once he was gone and the only way it got done was if I did it, I realized that he did more around the house than I thought. Men need to be told in clear precise language in a loving tone. i will say to my husband flat out " I would REALLY like it if you did the dishes today" Or " It would make me happy if you checked my oil and tires before I take this trip" What He hears is " I will be happy IF", and he does want you to be happy, because he feels as if it is his job to make you happy, as long as he feels it is within his means to do so, he wants to make you happy! so make it easy for him, tell him exactly waht would make you happy, and tell him as often as neccessary. Because GUYS.. well they don't know you mean, on an ongoing basis! ( I don't mean to joke, well actually maybe I do, but I know you got my point). Blessings to you, S.

Was he like this before you married him? Did you live together first to see how you mesh together? My hubby used to help constantly, w/o even having to ask! Since we married, he is just like your hubby, LAZY! I totally agree w/you, that's just asking for a bug problem! I ask mine to please at least put the dirty dish into the dishwasher once he's done w/it. He always says "okay" but it still stays in the sink or on the counter for days til I do it myself! ARGH!! SO lazy! Doesn't throw used napkins/papertowels away or junk mail. He left his junk mail in the floor after opening it, just thrown on the floor, for almost a week til yesterday when I told him, not asked, told him to please p/u the papers he left on the floor. What I've starting doing is saying, in a firm voice, something like: "If you're finished w/that napkin you've left on the counter, will you throw it away please". Like yours, he'll say "I'll get to it in a minute" which translates to "I'll get to it whenever I feel like it." To which I reply "I need you to dispose of it now please. You can play on the computer in a minute, it's not going anywhere at the moment" or whatever the case may be. He does stuff like allow the garbage to be so full past the top of the can that it almost spills over onto the floor. Walks right past & does nothing. If I say anything, he says I'm 'nagging' him & that the trash day is only a few days away, "it can wait". So I might say something like, "I need to throw something away & if I throw it here, it's going to spill over into the floor, will you take care of it now please." It's all I can do to get him to clean the bthroom (he only has two 'assigned chores': clean the bthroom & take care of the trash w/the usual help w/dishes or vacuuming once in a while). It's terrible that men develope this "married man syndrome" to where they seem to totally forget how to help out. I think it stems from being 'mothered', being p/up after, etc. when they were growing up. My hubby never acted this way when we were dating. I think they do that to impress their ladies then when they marry their ladies, to them, things will be done for them since they 'bring home the bacon' so-to-speak. Our home is a total pigsty right now. Can't find a thing we're looking for so I'm trying to get him out of this lazyness so we can have a clean house again. I told him before we married, I still expect him to help out around the house & he agreed but so far, he's not keeping his side of the bargain. But for you, I hope my suggestions or anyone else's suggestions help you. I'm still trying to get my hubby to do his job & help! Best of luck!

Ten years of this will be hard to break - nagging does not help. Maybe you could try talking this over at a dinner out at a restaurant (neutral territory) explaining calmly these messes of his make you feel - unappreciated, disrespected, unloved. Marriage is a partnership and he should be tring harder to please you and act as an adult and father of a 5 year old, who may be getting the wrong message about how males act in a home. Good luck. Was he an only child whose M. did everything?

Been there..done that....
J., Im not sure there is anything you can do that will have a long lasting effect. My husband is the same way...he always intends to do it..later.. but later seldom comes. So, here is what i do...

First of all, teach your daughter to pick up after herself. i taught my kids that if their stuff got left anywhere in the house and i had to pick it up, it was going in the trash,... and then FOLLOW THROUGH! they got the message early on and never left stuff around the house. So - i had to allow their rooms to get messy, but they never left stuff around the house that i had to pick up. This will at least make sure your "cleaning" burden will not increase.

Secondly, resign yourself to the fact that you will be picking up after your husband forever, because i dont think that it is ever a priority to them. But when you do a thorough house cleaning, always ask your husband to help. He may never see what needs to be done in advance or voluntarily do what you need, but my husband does help out at the exact moment if i am cleaning. He does many other helpful tings, so i just have to remind myself that the cleanliness is what i want, not necessarily what he sees as necessary.
Dont get me wrong, i agree with you, i think he should pick up after himself... but i have been married 32 years and still have not found a way to get my husband to see these things and pick up after himself, immediately.
So, i taught the kids to do better, and they do not cause me increased cleaning burden. for the rest, some days i handle it well, some days i dont, and that's when he catches my hell....haha.....
Good luck!
L....Im 545 yrs old, been married 32 years-have been a working mom to two wonderful kids.

Your "about me" doesn't say if you are a stay at home mom or not, and I think if you are employed as well as your hubby, then there definitely needs to be an equal share of household chores. BUT (I may get angry responses to this LOL) I think that as a SAHM it's my job to take care of the house and kids almost completely. I think it might be a little different b/c my hubby is in the Army, so he does work very hard all day (long days) and has been completely gone in the past, so I am used to doing everything myself. But I also have tried not washing his laundry if it's left out, not picking up after him, etc. but it just always ends in me getting more upset b/c he just doesn't pick the things up! I'd rather take the extra few minutes to pick up his dishes he leaves out or socks on the living room floor or trash by the computer or dishes/trash left 2 inches away from the sink/trash can LOL It saves us a lot of fighting and in the long run, how much extra time do I spend picking up after him? Maybe 5 or 10 minutes a day? And like other responses you got, I have my faults, too =) One reason I don't even ask him to do things like dishes or vacuum or things like that is because after 6 yrs of being married, I have certain ways I like things done. I hate when he vacuums and doesn't get close to the walls, so the middle looks clean but not the sides! Or when he does dishes and he doesn't rinse them well enough and then when I unload I have to re-wash dishes! Or when he does laundry, he doesn't use the right settings/temperature/etc. So I've learned that it's much easier to just do it myself =) It takes half the time for me to do it anyway! Now, if he DOES get motivated and do any housework, whether it's done well or "right" or whatever, I make sure to praise him and thank him for doing it!
Sometimes it does feel like I have a 3rd child...like when I have to ask on Sunday "now do you have clean uniforms, socks, boxers for this week or do I need to wash some today?" But I try hard to recognize all the things he DOES do as a husband, father, and provider, and when I count all my blessings it makes picking up after him seem to be an act of love rather than a chore =)

Wow, I do not blame u for being tired of this also. Don't cook because you will be too busy cleaning instead. Or hire a maid. Let him shell out for take-out. In my experience, when it hits their pocketbook, then they make changes. Make the sacrifice his also, not just your time and energy. Good luck!!!

I agree with many who say to try to focus on his positives... But I think we each have needs that need to be met. For me, leaving trash and socks for someone else to pick up is a lack of respect. That may not be the case for you at all, but it isbothering you. Does hubby have a study, area in the garage or some other place that is his? My dad was bad about this, so my mom would police up his piles and put them in his study. She finally got to the point where she didn't care about his mess as long as she could shut the door and not see it. Dad got much better at doing his part elsewhere since he had a place no one would fuss at him about. Hope this helps you somehow...

Sounds like your very frustrated.
You were w/him for five yrs before you married him and im sure he had his ways then too. You made your choice and now his habits are barely getting on your nerves? Think about this,if something happens to this man {God forbid} and hes not there to leave his socks on the floor for you to pick up after or the 2 dishes in the sink or the trash on the counter,how would you feel then?? Just remember you have a partner and love is not all about what he can do for you its about what you can do for your partner everyday w/out being selfish of your own feelings.
There is a book called
The Proper Care and Feeding Of Marrige by Dr. Laura Schultzinger.Read it then give it to him to read or read together and practice what it says and you WILL see things change.She has many other books that are great that are for marriges.Good-Luck
P.S. After i went back and read other peoples responses OMG i'm one of the LUCKY ones my man picks up after himself and WANTS to do for me.His mama taught him right and yes he still opens the car door for me every single time after 9 years of being together and married 1 yr this July.I can say Life is GREAT.

Read and re-read Betty's advice! She's got it nailed.
...communication and appreciation.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom to give you. I just wanted to share with you that when I was reading your request I was shocked, it is EXACTLY what I go through. The messy, hardheaded husband. He tells me I'm nagging when I try to ask him to clean up. I have two boys and they clean up better than my husband. I also have been married five years and at my wits end on what to do. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and perhaps together we can find a solution. I feel for you and I wish you the best in solving the problem.

I have the same problem and it has gotten better with the help of a book a friend gave me. It isn't pleasant reading. I was angry when I read it, but tried it anyway on the advice of my friend. It works in getting him to help more and in helping me deal with him not helping more. It is by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands. By the way, I tried the not cleaning up after him anymore... It doesn't work. Made me more angry and my children and me suffered for it. Please try the book, it has made a huge difference in our marraige.

Hi J.,
Most of the comments are advising you to turn the other cheek and suck it up and clean up after your hubby so he won't feel disrespected and leave you for another woman. That is a bunch if hog wash no matter what book you read. A man has to be treated as he treats you, that is the only language that they understand. What I mean is that sometimes you have to show them because when you say it, it doesn't register completely. A marriage takes a 100% from both individuals in order to work and that goes for house duties as well. Speak with your hubby in a calm non demeaning way and explain what you notice first and let him know how this affects you, then wait to see if he will follow through. If he doesn't gently remind him the first time after that leave his mess right where it is. This will be hard for you more than him AT FIRST, but trust me, when there is no dinner because the kitchen is a mess and no clean clothes because they were not in their proper place to be washed, the light bulb will turn on. Be patient and follow through no matter what.

Stop cleaning up after him! He will get the message when he has no clean dishes, no clean socks and the house is a mess. Stage a Mommy strike and don't do it for anyone but yourself! Not even you daughter!