Help with Motivation & Responsibilities

The one thing that seems to work for my 4 children is time with us. If Mom or Dad takes one of them out just the two of us, they just love it. I think when you have multiple kids in a house kids feel "not so special" anymore. If you promise a day out shopping, a movie, or something she likes that won't strain the wallet it might really peak her interest.

T.:
I have 2 tools I use for for my 4 kids. We home school and we have to keep a very structed schedule and routine. I use a chart I made called the football chart (my friend calls it the ladder chart since she doesn't like foot ball) Everyday the kids start at fifty (the middle) and based on bevaior they move up or down ( A push pin or magnet on the chart moves up and down. ) As they move up they get small rewards like computer or TV time or extra desert. Now I have a philosophy- Good behavor is sometimes rewarded, but bad pehavior is ALWAYS punished. That way the kids is more inclined to be good. I also use a "check point chart" with various tasks that need to be done during the day. (like brush teeth by 8:30 am) this is just an added thing to keep us all on schedule.
Instead of allowence I use "mommy bucks". At the end of the day before bed, I pay out for that day's behavior. For example, my kids start on the day on the "fifty-yard line" if a child has been pretty good they may end the day at 80. In our house this is a reward of 300 mommy bucks. Meeting all the check points is another 500 (mommy bucks come in 100 denominations) Then I have a "store" they can buy from. They can buy a cheap toy from me (I buy 2-3 from the dollar store), have a friend over to spend the night, or save up for the bigger prizes. If you really want her to earn the classes or the guinea pig make them like 2000 bucks. It may take 2 weeks or more, but then it is worth it. Just make sure there are some little incentives for her to buy so that she doesn't get frustrated. Also everyday is a new day, don't carry over the bad day of yesterday to today.
I hope this helps and isn't too confusing.

Thanks
C.

I'm a member of www.FLYlady.com, which really helps me keep my house clean and keep routines and have a healthy attitude towards it all. It's geared towards adults getting their homes and lives in order, but she provides a "control journal" for children to keep track of their homework, chores, etc, on their own without their parents nagging, which might really help. Kids (and husbands!) automatically resist us when we're telling them what to do, even if it's for their own good. The student control journal helps them stay organized and establish routines. Here's the link to the control journal: http://www.flylady.net/images/student_CJ.pdf#search=%22st...

Also check out her homepage flylady.net Her systems might really help you find peace in your own life like it did for me.

Flylady is an advocate of her colleague's website, www.housefairy.org, which is a website to help motivate and encourage children to clean their rooms. On the website there's a video of The Housefairy where she talks to your kids and tells them she's going to stop by unexpectedly every once in awhile and check on their rooms and see if they've been cleaning it like their parents have asked and leave little notes and rewards if they have. It also helps give you ideas on how to make a game out of cleaning, and turn it into a postive experience so they can develop good habits for life. I've looked over this website and read parents' experiences with it, and I definitely plan on using it when my son is old enough to understand. Praise and rewards are usually bigger incentives than punishment, and much more positive and help their self-esteem. In fact, while studying for his Master's in Business, my husband learned that people performed better with the incentive of receiving recognition and praise than they did with the motivation of monetary rewards in the workplace. You can plan family activities as rewards, doing what she wants, which she most likely prefers over material things, plus it sends a better message. The housefairy.org website (or maybe it was flylady.net) has a LONG list of incentive ideas, posted by other parents.

Good luck! Be firm and make sure there are consequences, both positive and negative, for their behavior. Consistency pays off. I am a BIG advocate of the Love and Logic parenting style of letting your children suffer the natural consequences of their choices.

It is an ongoing process to keep my son motivated. Here are a few things we have done. He wanted to go to camp and we said he had to prove he was responsible and independent to be able to go. He had to choose activities that would help the family and then activities that would be taking care of himself. He decided what those activities would be. He chose cooking his own breakfast (with my supervision), making his lunch and helping to clean the house on Sundays. He had to do these activities up to our standards of nutrician, etc. It worked very well. A few things that helped with the success. Letting him choose what he was going to do - I don't like poop duty and at times we just give the kids the worst jobs - that's going to make it hard for anyone. Think of activities that will really develop them. For example, my son has done the grocery shopping with me sitting in the car and then coming in and checking what he has done and then buying the groceries. This developed him in many different ways - he had to read labels, do math, ask for help. He felt so good about himself afterwards. Soon he is going to be responsible for a meal a night with my help. He will choose the dish, make the list for groceries,shop, and he is the lead chef in the kitchen and I'll be the prep cook.

Each birthday we give him a new freedom and a new responsiblity that is age appropriate that acknowledges him getting older. For example, A new freedom for his 9 year birthday was that if I was going on a 15 minute errand, he could choose to stay home alone (with many guidelines on safety)His responsiblity was sorting his own laundry and washing his sport clothes.

They have worked for us - hope they're helpful to you. Good luck!

T.,
I also felt (I have a daughter in college now, but she is very responsible, so maybe I did something right!) that I needed to show her that it takes everyone's effort to keep a house running smoothly. She had regular "chores" from the time she was very small, and they increased in number and level of difficulty as she matured.

Your nine-year-old should be able, it seems, to clean bathrooms, load/unload the dishwasher or dry dishes by hand, dust, vacuum, etc. There are some great organizational charts out there to keep track of each family member's responsibilities.

One other thing: my mom had a really neat idea when I was about nine. She wrote the names of every room/chore in the house ("upstairs bathroom" or "vacuum stairs"), whatever needed to be done, on a strip of paper once a week. We'd put all the strips in a bowl and pick out an even number. Then we'd get to work, and I don't remember resenting it all that much because she was working right along with me. When we finished we'd have some kind of treat, an ice cream trip or a game, etc. The house always looked great, too.

I hope this helps! Best of luck with the baby-to-come!
T.

Try asking her what jobs she wants to have. It isn't an option and try taking things away if she doesn't help instead of going forward. Give her a point system too and a visual aid. Have her help you write and ad to put in the paper to get rid of the pets (though you don't have to get rid of them), then put that ad on the fridge, tell her when she doesn't do her jobs then it is time to consider getting rid of the pets. You will be surprised how quickly her tune changes. If is just this duty, then maybe switch it with her, like her folding the clothes and putting them away instead?

We have a chore/allowance system that has worked at our house for 8 years now. On each birthday the kids pick or are assigned a chore that meets their developmental level and they get paid a quarter for each chore/year. It works really well in two ways, first they are responsible for something and if it doesn't get done and I have to do the job for them, then they have to help me with one of my chores (I usually pick something icky like cleaning toilets to help them remember their own chore). Second, it teaches them about money management. They are allowed to spend the money as they wish which means sometimes I have to bite my tongue when they blow it on candy, but other times I get to watch as they realize they want something and are willing to save up to get it. As they got older we also said they needed to put some percentage of their allowance in the bank and some percentage to charity. Again they got to chose. My younger splits his evenly in thirds, the older does less to the bank and charity. If they want something other than at birthdays and Christmas, they have to pay for it themselves --this is very motivating. Here are our current chores: for the 12 year old: skim the pool, brush the dog, clean the pool tile, brush the pool, fill the bird feeders, clean the bathroom sinks, change the sheets on his bed, do all his homework, be ready on time for all sports activities, keep his room picked up and neat, clean shower, fold one load of laundry. For the 15 year old: set the table, feed the dog, homeowork, be ready on time for all sports, recycling out, empty all trash cans and take trash out to street, change sheets on his bed, clean up dog poo, sweep pateo, keep room neat, vaccum living room, wipe up table and counters after dinner, take recycling out to street. It built up gradually and they are learning importand skills of home care, money management and responsibility. It is a bit of work on mine and my husbands part some weeks to make sure it happens, especially when we first started. Sometimes there is a chore that they absolutely hate and maybe they can negotiate a swap with you or someone else, just like you and your spouse might pick a chore that you are better suited for. I think it is great that you are teaching your daughter to be responsible and helpful Remember that some day she will need to know how to do all sorts of things herself. We have the list of chores posted on the fridge with days each chore needs to be done. Good luck!

Hi,
I'm a 4th grade teacher (and new mom), so I'm wondering if you've considering asking her teacher for ideas? I have had a lot of good conversations with parents like this because I see their children all day long and usually in a different light than they do. I also must say I would avoid tying it to specifically reading or writing if it's something with which she struggles because it could turn her against these vital skills. However, math skills can be made into fun games easier, so perhaps something related to knowing her facts quickly. Also, homework completion in general is a good thing to reward because by this age she should be able to complete nearly all of it independently. So, try talking to her teacher and maybe you'll get some ideas.

My son did that as well, so I made a deal with him, he has certain chores that he has to do everyday, just like I do, and others he has to do twice a week. His are keep your room messy or anything I find on the floor goes in the trash and you have to replace it by finding a job to earn money to buy it yourself...I only had to do that once and his room has been spotless since. I also have him do the dishes once a day and trash every other day, and take big trash cans to the street twice a week...he use to complain and cry about it all the time (and he doesn't get paid either), so I told him when I ask for this to be done he is to do it right away because if I have to do it for him, then he will have to do all of my chores as well as his the starting the next day through untill Sunday when I clean the whole house. After doing my chores, including the toilets, tubs, sinks, cleaning the trash cans and mopping and sweaping a 2400 sq foot home, he realized how hard it is for me to keep up with our family of 2 boys, myself, and my husband (who is in the military and leaves for Iraq alot, currently over there now for the 4th time), and when he did them with me he had no time for himself let alone anything else so he started doing his chores with no complaints and when he's told as well as he learned how to do the laundry which isn't even his chore, but he does it to help me out. He realizes that his few chores do not even compare to what I do in this house. He has quit asking for things too, now he goes out to mow lawns and babysit to get money to buy things that he wants. It really works when you introduce them at a young age to the reality of the real world, then they understand a lot better that they really do have it easy so they should enjoy it why they have the time to and stop complaining about what they don't have and be thankful for what they do have. I went to my friends house and tried this with her kids and it worked over their too, now if they want to come over or do anything with us they have to follow their weekly chores or they don't get to do things either b/c they are too busy doing their parents chores as well. Their's took a few more times of doing this before they learned but that's because they have 3 teens to my 1 teen, but the theory is proved. Also be honest with your kids, show them the bills and let them sit down with you to do the bills, when I had my eye surgery a couple of weeks ago my son learned a whole lot about my life that he never knew, and he now has a whole new perspective on life, he also helps out a lot more than he ever has. Well Good luck and let me know how it goes.

at 9 they are trying to gain independence. it is also a good time for allowance even if it is just a small amountmake a list of chores everything form trash to alundry to helping make dinner to washing dishes. put an amount by each thing and have her pick say three or four of the things you want done. but you have to be careful and put a limit on the amounts she can earn each week. it can be anythig forma a quarter for taking out the garbage to fifty cents for dishes. then when she has some money saved up, take her shopping. it will teach her how long it takes to save money fro something she really wants and maybe she wont be so extravagant. another thing you can try is to ask her to do several things over several weeks and then reward with a mom daughter date somewhere, just the 2 of you alone. oh and cleaning her room doesnt count that should be a responsibility that she has anyway. my son really got me though. when he was 12 he called me at work on a day that he wasnt in school and asked if he could make some extra money for a game he wanted to buy. i told him sure and he just worked hislittle butt off all day. i was working a 16 hour shift that day so i was dead tired when i got home and found a sparkling hose. he had done everything icluding organising my drawers and closet to cleaning out the cupboardsi was impressed. then ye gave me the bill 35.00. i gave it to him without complaint because he had taken it upon himslef to do all this but i toldhim next time to make sure he told me what he was doing and how much it would cost me. . he is 17 and still tries to get more money from me but sometimes he does it just cause he knows ill be tired when iget home. im a way better off now than when i was jsut starting out so yea sometimes i will give him 20.00 for washing my car but its worth it and i can afford it now

T.,
Try a chore chart to mark her responsibilities. With each chore done, it is marked with a star or check and rewarded with her choice of the family night activity. If she doesn't do her chores her bedtime is subtracted an half hour and an half hour every time she doesn't do her chore. It get old really fast and she won't like going to bed early. Make sure she is rewarded when she fulfils her responsibility and maybe after an agreed amount of duties she could have a special cooking class or fun activity she likes to do.
C. B
P.S. A guinea pig would be a cleaning nightmare with another baby on the way. She might just need a little more time with you since you have another on the way.

Sit down with her, eye to eye level, and ask her what types of privledges she would like to have. Have her make a list - she can use poster board and color/draw on it and then hang it on the wall in her room. Then ask her what she would be willing to do to earn that privledge. Have her write that down opposite the privledge, that way, she has something visual to look at. Then explain to her that earning privledges is all about exchange - give & take - responsibility - when you give something and then receive something in return a higher value is placed on what is received.

Being frivilous with her money is ok for a 9 year old. You might have her keep track of what she spends her money on and that way when she comes asking for more, she can take a second look at where the money went and make better decisions next time.

M. M. Ernsberger
www.hypno4kids.com

Make it a fun event, give her a choice of things that are fun for her that you could do together as payment. I find that always helped me with my two...I pray fo ryou and your camily. GBY

I would recommend talking to her to see what she would find motivating. Also ask her what her goals are for life & how she plans to accomplish that. My parents at an early age made it very clear I had to buy my own car when I was old enougg & pay for everything on it. Also if i wanted college that was something I had to pay for. These are somethings that might help her start saving money for something she really wants. There is also the wells Fargo account that is for children but the parents have control of spending. It teaches responsibility, savings, money management & how to balance a check account. All of which will be very handy later in life.
I also recommend not buying her gifts/rewards. I know with my daughter she does not appreciate them if I buy it but if she is rewarded with money & saves till she can afford it then it means something. She is also very proud of it.

T.,

I may be stating the obvious, but have you asked her what would motivate her? If she comes up with the plan and reward, maybe she'd be more likely to stick with it.

I really like the previous poster's idea of the early bedtime. Brilliant!