Help/Suggestions For What I Call My "Boredom Syndrome"

I found this book a couple years ago at my sisters house, called "Light His Fire", I don't remember the author's name, but if you look up the title, you should be able to find it. It's not exactly what it sounds like. I found that it was a really good book and it helped improve my relationship. All of the women who wrote into the website said the same thing too. I hope this helps!

I totally know how you feel wanting to have the feeling of that first date and taking forever to say goodnight and not a hour would go by when you didn't get a call or text saying how beautiful you were or how much he loves your smile your not crazy it makes sense. I think at some point in every relationship we want to see if the grass really is greener on the other side. maybe sharing your feelings with him would help Tell him how you feel maybe he feels the same way about you. You never know

I think there are two problems here, because you have two relationships, one to your husband, and the other to alcohol. I am not saying you are an alcoholic, but it appears to be where you go when you are dissatisfied, and I think recognizing that it is a factor would be helpful.
I have not experienced exactly the same intimacy issues as you, but I think most relationships at least have times when intimacy is a problem, and I found <a href="http://www.theartofloveandintimacy.com&quot;&gt;this&lt;/...; website very helpful. If you don't find exactly what you are looking for, you might consider consulting the woman who writes it via her "Metamorphosis" site. Her rates are low, and she really knows what she's doing.

Wow, you sure have a lot on your plate. I can't write much as we, too, are on our way to church, but a few things jumped out at me when I read your post. First, it's normal to get a bit bored in a long-term relationship, especially when the dynamic changes and some of the "fun" is lost. Second, every relationship cools down. I knew I wanted to marry my husband not because he was the most fun but because I wanted to grow old with him, you know? But those are just thoughts to chew on...So here's my thought for you - you need to develop better friendships with your girlfriends. Your girlfriends are the ones you should be dancing with, getting dressed up for, and going to bars with - never, in a million years, your ex-husband. Girls' Nite Out is more fun than any date you'll ever have, for real. Seriously, you shouldn't care if any other man in the universe looks at you, if your husband is truly your soulmate. If you don't have good girlfriends, then you have a host of other problems you should address. Good luck!

First and foremost, you are not alone. It seems as though we as women and mothers are always putting our interest and hobbies on the backburner and men are able to keep theirs. We HAVE to learn to hold onto those things that made us who we are, prior to bein a mother and a wife. But how? Especially when we have been used by our hubbys for so long that taking advantage of us is second nature to them. I don't have an answer for you, all I can say is first, pray. Next, find something that makes you happy and create time to do it. Have a conversation with your hubby and explain to him that you would like to spend some time with him on one of those Sats. Don't be dissapointed if he doesn't GET IT right away, cuz after all he been doing what he wants for years. And lastly, stay out of the bars and the ex. I believe that is not a healthy decision. There's a reason why your ex is an ex. Remember if your SITUATIoN doesn't change, change YOU. I totally understand what you are going through and your feelings totally make sense to me. God Bless

Hi S., you rec'd some great advice. Just a few things that jumped out at me. You said your son noticed your outfit and drinking & driving. Your family is sensing the changes you are going through. He may not know how to say mom "whats up?". It's his way of letting you know he knows something is going on. Focus on some quality family time. Another suggestion start a thankful journal. Write in it daily, or several times a day. Whenever you have an urge to run. And as everyone else said, stay away from the ex and the bars, nothing but trouble for married folks. Best of luck.

I was single for many years between my first husband and my husband now. I grew up going to the Church at the end of the street and never learned how to dance because they taught that dancing was a sin.

When I divorced my ex I started going out with a new friends and when I learned how to dance country and western you couldn't keep me at home. I even won trophy's at local dance competitions. First, let me say I didn't really like alcohol so I was always designated driver. I was listed on several of my friends insurance as a secondary driver in the event we had an accident that was my fault. Second, for the first time in my life I felt feminine and desirable. I loved the feeling of being on the dance floor and twirling around in a fast waltz or a speedy two-step. my friends and I went out nearly every night of the week. I was getting a validation I had never found before.

I joined a different church later in life and we have monthly dances for the youth and several times a year we have activities where just the grown ups get a chance to have an evening out and dance, usually at the church but sometimes out somewhere else. They also had a singles group that went out to a local club one night a week, before all the crowds starting coming in a clouding up the air with cigarette smoke. So dancing is not an issue for religion. There are churchs who believe it's okay, within limits of how the dancing is done, ie: no dirty dancing.

So, when I married a man who had 2 left feet and can't dance, I went through a lot of the same feelings. We took lessons, ouch, we dance at least one time at each dance we attend, he tries really hard but it is painful to do and painful to watch him try.

I can't tell you how much I miss that feeling on the dance floor. I went out a few times with my sister when she was a ballroom dancing instructor and I felt so out of place. I did dance with some of her friends and had a good time but really wanted to be with my husband.

So, here's my advice. If your church is teaching your family that dancing is wrong then perhaps you need to talk to your husband about researching the churches in your area, maybe it is time you attended a different one. If he can't go out to dance and not drink then maybe he is dealing with drinking as the issue and not the dancing. Maybe he, and you, need to talk to someone about that first. If he really didn't have an interest in dancing in the first place and only did it to fit into the crowd at the club then you may have to face the fact that deep down he doesn't like dancing. There are so many things he could be thinking that only he can tell you what's going on.

Now, to the alcohol issue. I only have one evening I can't remember much of, I only had two Colorado Bulldogs, but I do remember I drove on the highway to get home. It's a miracle I didn't have an accident. To me it seems like there is much more going on in your heart than just wanting to go out with your husband. You may have chronic depression, alcohol is one of many ways some people try to self medicate. You may just need that feeling of being on the dance floor again. Again, it could be so many things going and only you can find out. I think counseling is always a good option for anyone. If you think you could benefit from visiting with someone why not try it.

Now, finally, about things to keep you busy. Volunteer somewhere, hospital, kids school (you could read to the kids in younger classes or help out in other areas like the library), a local shelter or clothing room/food bank, if any of your kids are interested in things like soccer or baseball you could be an assistant coach or coach, look to your local Vo-Tech or Junior College. I took Good Life Cooking, other cultures cooking classes, cake decorating, dance, piano lessons, tennis technique, weight lifting, exercise classes, all kinds of classes I just thougth would be interesting. I got an Associates degree and then went on to work on a Bachelors degree. I started doing scrapbooking, painting, I read lots of books, etc...to say the least I stay so very busy. I miss dancing but then I have so much more to fill that void now.

I can empathize with you alot. My problem was my husband going and "hanging with his friends" all weekend long. I too started to feel lonely and also started to accuse. I had to find my own thing to do. Although I do stay at home, that's just what I like after working all week, I have consumed myself with "me" things. For example, I spend a lot of time on the computer, playing games mostly. I feel that these games take my mind off of the real world for a few hours a day. I also have been spending more time with my family (mother, brother, sister-in-law) and things like that. My husband sometimes get a little jealous, "where are you going?" and the like, but my reply is, "if you want me hounding you I can do that. It's not good for either one of us, but I can."

It's only been a few months since I have started doing "me" but I feel like I am more in tune with my wants and needs, as I am always focusing on what everyone else wants and needs.

Not sure this helped any, but I tried.

God Bless and stay in the Word.

T.

If you want to stay married, stay out of going to bars alone (without your husband). Even with your husband, you risk both of you flirting around and that causes problems. We too love to drink and dance, however, we also want to stay married forever and we know the "bar scene" is not where married folks should go to hang out. Try getting some couples together at your house to listen to music and cookout during the winter. Buy a chimnea or build a fire-pit in the backyard to hang out around. We too are lake goers in the summer. We just shift to our houses in the fall/winter and call it football parties or just a cookout and dancing on the patio/deck. Just like you would tell your kids, it's all about making good decisions. Most of the guys we know hunt also. They go every other weekend so we can hangout every other one also together as couples. Often, the moms get together and spend the night when the guys are gone. We have fun goofing off together, order pizza in, watch a movie and trying different drinks. We don't go out though.

Just a thought, but you could have him read this post and respond. Counseling might be a good thing too. I know you think the problem lies in the relationship, but you don't mention any hobbies of your own. Is there anyhyhing healthy you could join that might fill some of your need (exercise class, scrapbooking, etc). Exercise is actually proven to improve your brain chemicals, making you feel better. Good luck.

I understand where you are coming from, my husband's job causes him to work long hours 3 weeks out of the month and he is usually working on the weekends, so our time together is limited and lately his weekends home have been the ones that I have had to work. So it gets hard and you feel very alone. What I have done is come up with activites that allow me to have "ME" time when he is gone and when we do get that time together, we focus on family time and have come up with "home dates". A home date will be a nice romatic dinner, a movie that neither of us has seen and then mom-dad time. We have friends watch the baby (10 month old) for a the night or few hours so that we have that time to reconnect. Another option is, looking into Women's nights at your church or activities at your church. As another poster put it, if the church is not meeting your needs or is condemning things, you might want to find another. I would also look into why you need to really drink. Both my husband and I were heavy drinkers and once we found that we were covering up other issues, we found that we do not need to drink like that. Now we both may have 1-2 drinks a week if that. Those drinks are usually on our date night and with dinner. So use the time he is away to focus on you and learning who you are and what you want out of life and what you enjoy. Since your son is older this gives you a chance to do that without having to find a babysitter or child care. Explore life, once you get that sparkle it will do wonders for your relationship. Take care and keep us updated.