So this is my issue, my mom has two kids myself and my sister. I have always noticed a difference in the way she treats us but just blew it off. I am now a 34 year old woman married with 4 children and basically have no relationship with mom and sister. Mom always has taken up for sister (27 yrs old) and has two boys. The sister is always in competition with me for moms attention so I just backed off as usual, and when I say competition she bought a time share because I bought a house...crazy right( they still live in an apartment). Anyway the sister even takes jabs at my kids. The children were no-longer allowed at moms house because sister lives there and basically is mean to them. Mom called and said how much she missed them so I let them visit on Friday. On Saturday my 12 year old called screaming and crying saying that my 27 year old sister was fighting my 16 year old daughter...heartbreaking for me and my children. I rush to moms house and she(sister) is on the phone with her friend saying how she fought my child. We called the cops and my sister told them that my daughter and mom were attacking her!!!! My 16 year old is a very passive girl, you wouldn't even know she was in the house if you did't see her, so know that was a total lie. Both my daughters and my 8yrs old son say she was picking on them and continued to get in the 16 year old face until she felt backed into a corner. Nevertheless cops did nothing told me to go file a report downtown. My husband is beyond PISSED and I just don't even know what to do anymore anymore. My mom was upset but sister still lives with mom and get this mom says about sister (she is my child I can't make her move), and acts like nothing never happened. I am so distraught having trouble sleeping, crying, hurt, you name it. I feel like I need to cut mom out of my life because she couldn't even protect my children. What am I to do, What do I do??
Thank You to everyone who responded. I just wanted to make sure that I was getting good advise from non biased people. I guess I already knew what I needed to do but I was just feeling guilty about limiting communication with my mom because she is my only living parent. In the end, my children are more important than anyone or anything in the world. Again thank you all for your help.
I would not accept this behavior from friends and I certainly wouldn't take it from family. If it were me, and it has been me, I would cut them out. My daughter is my first priority and I am going to do everything I can to provide a safe and happy life.
The simple solution (note I didn't say "easy") is to no longer go to your mom's house so long as your sister resides there. Period. Mom can come over to visit you kids as much (or little) as she wants. You are not cutting your mom out. If she fails to come visit, then SHE is the one who gets to 'own' not seeing your kids. Since she feels so obligated to your sister, she should certainly be able to understand that you are protecting/providing a safe place for yours. If she doesn't "get" it, then, tough. They are your kids and it is your responsibility to do just that: provide a safe place for them and protect them from obvious dangers. Your sister appears to fit into the category of "dangers"--both physically and emotionally. So protect them.
Sounds like a train wreck. You cant pick your family but you can pick your friends. No one says you have to like your family. If they cause you misery there's nothing wrong with staying away. Let mom come visit you at your house if she wants to see you and the kids. If she doesnt visit, oh well. Your family's dynamic sounds really messed up. Let mom keep mommying your adult baby sister and just move on with your own life and don't let them bring you down. You and husband and kids dont need that sick environment.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It really sucks that you can't have the kind of relationship with your mother and sister that you deserve, but I think they've proved it to you. Yes, time to cut them both out. You tried your best and they blew it.
So, your mom saw all of this happen & didn't do a damn thing about it? If that is the case, that would be it for me. And don't even get me started on your sister... is she crazy?!
Sounds like your family is dysfunctional & toxic x 100. I would cut them off & worry about you & yours. It continues to astonish me, how one's family will treat them worse than they would treat a perfect stranger.
That was just terrible. I hope you have gathered your emotions and have had a sit down talk with your daughters. Keep your children away from their toxic aunt. Only permit your children to spend time with your mother with some kind of professional supervision.
You may consider filing assualt charges against your sister for her attack on your daughter but you weren't there and unless you intend on prosecuting to the full extent of the law it would just make the dynamics of the relationship worse. You can't dictate what should or shouldn't happen in your mother's home but you can and should keep your kids far away from most of this craziness.
I wouldn't cut your mom out of your life. She is probably being bullied by your sister too. Just restrict her to visiting you and your children at your home or in a public place where your sister is not. Your sister's behavior should buy her a one way ticket out of your life and she should never have access to your kids again. File the police report and if she still tries to engage with your kids again, get a restraining order.
Oh, Lord! the drama!
I would not let my kids go to that house--ever!
If your mom wants to see your kids, she can come to your house. Even if that means she takes a bus, you go get her, she stays for a few days on the sofa, etc.
Your sister sounds like a tool. She's jealous of your life and embarrassed that she still lives with her mom and has failed to launch. Hopefully, O. day she'll grow up--until then, I wouldn't bother with her.
I would file the police report. Even if nothing comes of it, it will be on file.
I would tell your mother that you understand her love of your sister (she's your sister and you love her too but that doesn't mean you like her) but her love of her own child should not take priority over the SAFETY of her grandchild. Therefore, as long as your sister is living there your children will not be coming over. If she wants to see them, she can come to your home. For their safety, your sister is not allowed to be around your children without you or your husband present (once things have had time to calm down).
Some kind of odd codependency issue going on with your mom and your sister, jeesh. Good news is, somehow you turned out normal! Of course, being normal can make you and yours very unpopular with them, sigh.
I hate telling people to distance themselves from family, family is EVERYTHING. But honestly, you want your own kids (and yourself) to be healthy happy and well adjusted, so what else can you do?
I hope you have a group of GFs or neighbors or other family you can enjoy and bond with!
:(
Do what you said... cut your Mother out because you are right... she refused to protect your CHILDREN from the verbal and physical attacks of her ADULT daughter!!
Go file that report with the police too!!
PLEASE go out and buy the book BOUNDARIES by Dr. John Townsend and Dr. Henry Cloud. I'm telling you, no I'm PROMISING you, it will help immensly. If nothing else, do it for your kids. You need to set some immediate boundaries with mom and sis and shouldn't feel guilty about it. Please get the book. God Bless!
Sorry to disappoint, but all of the responses are feeding into the drama. Police....seriously? Crying over all of this? You seem like a sane person except when it comes to your closest relative. So, even if your sister is a bully (and I don't really see much of that from your question), don't get your dander up and don't cut your mother out of your life. It would be better if you and your mother met at your house, and agreed to leave your sister's name out of the conversation. We all drag up issues from our childhood to parade them around in adulthood. Your mother is probably torn between you and your sister and your children and I bet it's tearing her up inside. Don't make it worse by over-reacting.
I would continue to communicate with my mom over the phone and allow the grandchildren to call her & check in on her but I would not step foot back into her home while my sister is there. You could pick up your mom and bring her to your home to visit with the children. Create some needed space between you and your sister until she decides to mature, the more you keep her out of your business the less she will be able to speak & compete with you. let your sisters issues be her issues! Ignore her....
So...WHY is sis still living w/mom?
It seems like mom needs to quit enabling - or being bullied.
Mom NEEDS to make her move out/grow up! She might also be pleasantly surprised how she feels w/o all that extra going on!
I would say that you could tell your mom that she is welcome to visit your kids at your house. (As a grandma, I would hate not seeing my grandson.)
But do not allow your children to go to her house as long as your sister is living there. She is enabling your sister's bad behavior; no need for it to adversely affect your kids.
