HELP!! My 20 M Onth Old Hits and Screams!!!

This is pretty normal. And people who have answered before talked about consistency. What worked for us was saying "no hitting" (or biting or whatever) and moving out of harm's way (setting them down, moving away, etc). If there's a tantrum with it, calmly watch the tantrum, without giving in to whatever caused it. Sit down if you can don't engage. If the tantrum gives them what they want, they'll continue it. If it doesn't even phase you, it will stop. Good luck!

Dr. Sears has some excellent advice for this here:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

Be sure to also look at the bothersome behaviors section where he specifically addresses the hitting.

I'm sorry it's being so stressful! Just think of her as a baby, only a lot bigger because that is what her comprehension is like right now. She knows how to express her feelings, but she has no restraint really at this age. (So know that it's not because you are a bad mom or anything!)

When she hits, gently take her hand and have her be soft and pat whatever/whoever it was she was hitting, while saying "Be soft. Good job! You're being soft!" That way you are praising the proper behavior and giving it a lot of attention, as well as redirecting her...and you are giving no power to the negative behavior. She's not going to understand if you get mad at her for hitting, and she'll likely start doing it to get a reaction from you. So, give the hitting no reaction, teach her the proper behavior, and give her lots of attention for that works the best in my experience. It doesn't mean the behavior will immediately stop, but it definitely improves.

One thing I have found to be very true for this age, the more you try to punish or get angry at them, the worse they will behave. So, try really hard to approach it from a positive angle.

As for her yelling while being upset, she's only 20 months old. Totally normal. I personally wouldn't do anything about it except maybe try to comfort her and calm her down. That doesn't mean she gets what she was wanting - it just means you can care about her feelings and her lack of understanding about it all. If she doesn't react well to a calming reaction from you, then you can leave her be or move her onto her bed to scream - not in a mean way - just in a way that you can't yell and scream and disturb everyone. If you need to do that, your bed is a good place. I don't believe in teaching kids to never express anger. I believe in teaching them HOW to express it.

As for her throwing her spoon, again, think of her as a big baby. She doesn't have the understanding of an older child. I'm guessing you took the spoon away? That's about all I do when my child starts doing that. If they are no longer interested in eating and look like they are about to toss things, I take it away. Or if they throw it before I realize they are done, I take it away and feed them myself or let them down if they are done.

I tend to be pretty easy going when it comes to my kids that age. I do a lot of redirecting, practicing proper behavior, and giving attention for the correct behavior. I think life will be much easier if you allow for the age and don't stress too much over normal behavior for the age. Doesn't mean you don't teach the correct behavior (like mentioned at the beginning of the paragraph), but just know that kids don't behave perfect and it takes time to teach.

Your daughter sounds completely normal. All four of my older ones could easily be described the same way:-) My fifth is a newborn, so we're not there yet, but I imagine she will be.

Hang in there!

Sounds pretty normal for the age.... for hitting I would just pop her in a playpen, say "no hitting" and ignore her for one minute.

Yelling I would probably let go, or maybe say "you must be feeling very mad".

And remember, if you are having trouble with feelings of frustration- with all your knowledge and experience- it is hard for her to know how to deal appropriately with her feelings at this age. Easier said than done I know! I have also been known to put myself in "mommy time-outs" by shutting myself in my bedroom for a minute to calm down when I feel like I'm about to blow my top.

I think it is just the age and the fact that they cannot express their anger very well. I have a similar problem with my 22 month old(in his case he has a speech delay which makes him more frustrated), but he will sit in time out. If it were me and she wouldn't - I would get out a pack-n-play and use it for time out for the time being because it will keep her from hurting herself or someone else and it sends a clear message especially if you leave her alone in there. I take my toddlers hands and say "WE DON'T HIT!" very firmly and go put him in the corner and turn my back on him (he sees his brother and sister in there alot which is probably why he sits right down). Some days he goes to time out repeatedly before knocking it off. When my others threw tantrums I did the same, except I would tell them that it was "OK to be angry, but not OK to scream" - it they were bad enough I would put them in their cribs for a couple minutes and tell them only tired children screamed like that. In general, I do not like to put them in their cribs as punishment so they don't resist at other times.

First of all...take a deep breath...relax...walk away for a while if you need to..and remind yourself that this too shall pass!! My middle daughter is going through this right now with her son who will be 2 in Jan. He is hitting everything...animals...friends...Mom and Dad...anything that is within his reach. She is SO stressed...but she keeps talking to him about "gentle touches" and when he hits a person or an animal ( as opposed to an object) the first thing she does is to comfort the object of his wrath...then she talks to him about how he has made the other person or the animal sad.
Yes, you want to teach her to use gentle touches and not hurt other people but the main thing you want to teach her is a positive, socially accepted way to deal with her frustration.
Try acknowledging her feelings...."Honey I understand that you are frustrated because you want to...... fill in the blank here....but right now you can't do that...how about we do .....fillin the blank here...instead". Maybe instead of telling her "no"...suggest an alternative to her....Honey we have to go in a few minutes...but would you like to play for 5 more minutes on the swing and then we will head home?"....."Jimmy is playing with the blocks right now, maybe you could come over here and show me how to bake a cake in your new play kitchen". Redirect...redirect...redirect.
And try not to get upset with her...don't answer her anger with anger of your own...stay calm, use a quiet voice, get right down on her eye level and talk it over with her...she is capable of understanding a whole lot more than you might think.
Good luck!!

Though it is counter intuitive (and highly unvouge) I couldn't gain control of my daughter's hitting, bitting and pinching until I added spanking to my repetior. Often the threat of it was enough and if not it got the attitude adjustment that i couldn't achieve with time outs alone.

I went through this stage with my son, but it started when he was around 14 months, it is easing up now that he is 21 months and much more communicative. Yes, it is extremely stressful and even embarrassing, especially when he would pop me in the face in public (I've had to rush him out of the local Gymboree more than once!). But what I found worked was being consistent and swift with the punishment (or redirection) as soon as it happened. No warnings, no counting, just do it. We used time-outs. He had to sit in a chair, facing the wall for one minute (since he's only 1) and I did not talk to him during that time. Once he was done with the time out, I reiterated that hitting was not acceptable in our home. We also read him the book "Hands Are Not For Hitting." Some days were better than others, for sure. There were days when only one time-out was enough, and then there were days when five didn't do the trick. When patience ran low, my husband would step in. I know that's more difficult when you have more than one child but maybe you can switch off?

Good luck - this part is so frustrating but it passes.

Hello, When we were transitioning one of our grandsons to his parents, he was so angry (he was three) that he would throw anything and everything (even Tonka trucks) at anyone who was near. He would bite, scratch, hit, kick, head bang and dig his nails into skin of anyone he could get. I took him to a counselor to try and find out how to ease his pain and fears, therefore help him to control his anger. The counselor told me to take him into his room EVERY time he did this and if necessary, to hold his door shut until he was finished. Then as soon as he was done, I would take his little hand and tell him that we would now try again. Eventually, he became much calmer. He is now 12 and for the most part (as with any 12 year old) he is very delightful. He and his parents moved back in with me when my husband passed away 1 1/2 years ago. He has only tried to sass me once. I told him that he had acted rude and disrespectful and that I wouldn't tolerate it. He never did it again.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Is your daughter talking yet? If not, it might be helpful to teach her some sign language. We used the Baby Signing Time series and I highly recommend it to anyone who needs a quick and fun way to learn sign language.
I will also say that we started dealing with this with my son. However we started to notice a digression in his speech and signing. Add to this that he had never pointed and rarely seemed to respond to his name. We are now working with a DAN doctor (defeat autism now) to have him tested for food allergies. We have eliminated all grains in the interim until we get the results back. He told us that some children have severe allergic reactions to certain foods (most often oats, wheat, corn, and eggs) and these allergies can manifest themselves in speech delays and behavior problems. Since taking my son off of grains he is now signing again and has started saying words he said a few months ago such as "dada". If your daughter has any of the symptoms that my son had, you might do well to take her to a DAN doctor to have her tested. I will also add that the traditional skin tests that they use to test for allergies is not accurate to test for food allergies. The best test to determine food allergies is an IgG blood test. Alissa has a test kit that is $10 and they test for 96 food allergens. The cost was pretty low (approximately $95), but in my estimation, knowing all that I can about any food that can cause damage to my child is worth the money.
Finally, when my son starts having his tantrums (and he has a LOT), I have started locking him in his play area and leave the room for about 15 minutes. He typically throws his toys everywhere, but by the time I return he has calmed down and is easier. So, don't be afraid to leave her in a safe area for a few minutes to allow yourself a chance to cool off. What you are dealing with is VERY hard. I really do get it!!! :) And don't be afraid to tap back to me if you just need to vent. I completely understand the need to talk to someone about what's going on.

Pretty normal phase at this age and it is very frustrating. We handled this by zero tolerance and consistency. If my girls hit they went straight to time out. If they screamed and threw a fit in time out they were put in their crib or room for 10 minutes. You have to do it EVERY time. Also agree with sign language approach for young children, although by 20 months the child should have a sufficient vocabulary. Your child is just asserting himself and experimenting with a new and exciting for of communication. If you get angry he is getting a very interesting reaction from you!! :) Just put the child in some form of time out (I find the bedroom works best for us). Do it calmly and do it every time. It will stop eventually as long as there isn't an underlying issue frustrating the child.