Having Difficult Time with Oldest Son

Hi Mrs. Beth. I am a daycare provider and my first child that I took in to care for had ADHD. He had already been kicked out of a couple of daycare centers, and basically I was his mom's last hope. He, too, had a mean streak, was very loud, rude, etc. When he came to me he was about to turn 4 a couple months thereafter, and he was a tough case to be sure. He and I went through a lot together and at times I had to ask myself what I was thinking putting myself through the trouble. Afterall, he wasn't my child. His mom begged of me not to give up on him, telling me there was goodness in him, and I did see it here and there. I knew she was desperate, and I liked her a lot (him too, regardless) so I stuck it out. Of course, after time, I grew to love this child because I realized that it wasn't his fault-he had a problem, and his family were great people. When he turned 5 he started kindergarten and I took care of him before and after school. It was when he started school that the real problems started. He had problems dealing with anything relating to school, including riding the bus. He couldn't concentrate or grasp the work. He made no friends and was sometimes downright mean to his classmates. He was direspectful to his teacher or any other authority. One day I went to pick him up from the principle's office and he was under a table and wouldn't come out (just to give a few expamples of his behavior) I assisted his mom on going to meetings at the school because by this time I knew him almost as well as she did. The school was constantly calling her to come pick him up, etc. Long story short, after much headache, heartache, and all that goes along with any child who has a condition (and it turned out he has more than just ADHD), his mom agreed to put him on medication. It helped him so much, it was like night and day. It took several weeks after he started the medication for us to notice a difference, and they have had to change his meds several times to find the right balance that works for him. That was 3 years ago and he is now in the third grade and doing awesome. I no longer care for him, but have stayed close with the family and see him a couple times a year. He has matured so much, and is a really great kid. His mom takes him off the meds during the summer as she is home now to take care of him herself. She was opposed to giving him the medication in the first place, but now feels she made the best choice by him. I, myself, am glad that I never gave up on him because I have to be honest and say I almost did several times. We have a great relationship and he loves me and repects me a lot and I think it's becaue he knows I didn't give up on him, like everyone else did. It sounds to me like your son has a little worse case than this child I'm talking about, but contrary to what some others have said, I don't think you should throw in the towel quite yet. We have to be the voice for our children because they don't know how to speak for themselves. I admire this boys mother because she never gave up on him. The rewards for her persistance paid off. He is thriving and doing well. Medicate if necessary. Be encouraged, and God Bless, B.

While talk therapy might be useful for many issues, I suspect that a therapist trained in behavioral techniques and/or Cognitive behavioral therapy who can work not just with your son, but also with your whole family on how to best respond to your son would produce better results. There are lots of therapists out there, so just make sure you find someone who has training on working with children and preferably in some sort of behavioral therapy which children often respond most favorably too. Best of luck!

I have no idea...but I can tell you if zoloft had been around when I was a teenager, my life would have been completely different..in a good way.
So my point is try the drugs. But make sure you have a good therapist for him also...to help you monitor his moods and behavior.

If your son may have bi-polar or other similar less severe forms of the personality disorder then you need to medicate him. There are some wonderful new drugs out there, including abilify to help with bi-polar behavior but without the side effects and dangers of the early bi-polar medications. It is extremely difficult for bipolar people to get better from therapy alone. The chemical imalances in their brain are almost impossible to control.

If it is not bi-polar there is something else going on with your son and you need to get to the bottom of it. Medication does not fix everything but it sounds like you need to do something for the sake of yourselves and your other children. Please dont wait. You dont want the aggresion to get worse and for someone to get really hurt.

This is definitely a touchy situation. My advice is that you do something sooner rather than later. I know you love your child, but you need to make a decision and take action NOW. Put it in God's hands and he will guide you. Good luck!

I'm truly not trying to be rude, but out of shock I need to say "What are you waiting for, medicate that child!!!"

I know medication is not for every family and not for every child, but what more do you have to go thru before you try medication? He is mean to you're other children, he's basically a pain to be around and he causes stess to everyone and himself. No, I do not blame you or the kid (I have a son with ADHD myself) I realize it is the condition not the child, but at the same time don't you think that for everyones sake, it may be wise to try medication if your other avenues of therapy aren't working??

My son has been on meds for almost a year. We've been very fortunate in that he has had no side effects and has reacted very well to them. After he'd been on his meds for a few months, I asked if he wanted to keep taking them. His reply was that yes, he wanted them and when I asked why he said that without them there was too much going on in his head (he was 6 at the time!!). Even at such a young age, he gets it.

We debated greatly on whether to medicate or not, but then we realized, he'd already been in therapy for almost 8 months and it helped little and he was still having problems. He was miserable, we were miserable, his brother was miserable, his teacher and classmates...well you get the picture. We knew what he was like off meds, so decided to try meds and it is just amazing the difference. When he was off meds, he was a regular Jackyl and Hyde. Either a wonderfully sweet and creative kid or a terror. We were worried about losing the sweet kid that we knew was in there, but in the end, the meds allowed the "nice Duncan" to come out.

Please contact your pediatrician and your shrink to confirm what meds would be best for him.

I wish you the best of luck, I know how hard this can be.
Julie

When he was hospitalized, did the staff medicate him? What has the therapist recommended? What is the source of the aggression? If your family is currently under medical care, you need to get the advice of the team working with him to hear their recommendations. If the behavior is causing great stress in the family, I'd also assess the triggers before determining if he solely is the problem. You wrote that you have three special needs children. Are the other family members possibly adding to the family stress? Hard to determine without understanding the full family dynamic and I'd urge you to consult professionals in this area. If your current medical team is not helpful, seek the best in the field. Your home should be a place of peace, not strife. There's enough of that in other places you cannot control.

please put this child on meds. not just for the family but for your sons mental health. it is not helping him to be non medicated with people telling him to stop all the time when he can't. to be a outsider all the time is scaring. meds can help him with impulse control at the very least and lots of the other things you have mentioned. i am shocked that he is this old with this many problems and no one has tried meds yet. therpy is important too but when behavior mod. has not worked then meds are a must. this child is suffering, give him the tools he needs to help himself. my adhd son is mean without his meds, with them his truly sweet nature and unique personality shine and people arent yelling at him all the time.

If you go down the medication route - and you may not have any choice, for the sake of your other children's safety - you and your son's psychiatrist will have to monitor him very carefully. Medication is by no means a magic bullet; it won't fix your son's problems, at best it will make them more manageable. It will take some trial-and-error to find the right medication and dosage...and as he grows what works may change.

If he has PDD, diagnosed with ADHD & generalized anxiety and is suspected to have Bipolar Disorder, it seems best to try a prescribed medication regimen. There's just too much biological, chemical imbalance there to expect that your son can try to manage his difficulties on just behavioral management and/or talk therapy alone. A combined approach would provide the best outcome.

Your son's behavior sounds like aspergers syndrome or disorder to me...somewhere in the autism spectrum and likely high functioning. Typically these kids have aspects of ADHD and anxiety and ocd-like disorders, BUT (and this is huge 'but') they are NOT well-served by any of the current medications for ADHD, anxiety or OCD. SOme have even been placed on anti-psychotic medication simply to control their rages or impulisve behaviors, and have been harmed irreparably by the typical side-effects of these classes of drugs. AD children are not helped by these usual medications designed for other underlying disroders because those are NOT their primary cause for their actions or symptoms. As you might also guess, the occasional "hoopla -press" (often with some celebrity) on this or that diet or gluten allergy or additive cause has all been researched thoroughly and also totally debunked.Research is very clear now on these points though had been nearly non-existant when our son was young and doing all and more of what you describe. To start, you may wish to conatct Daniel Pine at NIH, ###-###-#### (____@____.com)an expert on this aspect of non-use for AD kids with these medications. Serious behavior therapy is all that will get you through to the later ages when your son will hopefully have, or learn, more adaptive behaviors in all social situations. Our son had no friends and made no efforts to make any after he was about 6 years old; it was heartbreaking, but he did have a sibling at home and watched as those friends filled our house. He was combative, baiting or peculiar to all of them and they usually tried to avoid him. The odd thing was that he was aware of his and their responses, but he did not change or modify his own behavior. As parents we had to remain in close proximity at all times when other children were in our house and could never leave our son alone in the house---all the way to his 18th birthday! But he is very bright and made it to a prized college and living in a dorm with a stranger.........it was a looooong road. While drugs would have helped US,the parents (!) even short trials for his early ADHD and high-anxiety and vigilance mannerims throughout highschool (back when little was known) were obviously not useful choices for him. We withdrew the medications after the minimum necessary trial periods with close observation. We knew how he SHOULD have changed on them if they were effective and they most certainly were not. (in the case of stimulants for ADHD he became listless and would sit and whimper at age 5 and seem dazed...two more trials when he was older were the same and we immediately stopped with alarm. yes, he sat still but this appeared harmful). We are lucky we did not persist with drugs waiting for some "miracle" in light of the latest research. I always felt that a drug for anxiety would have helped during his highschool years, but now know that it would not have and are glad our physicians were hesitant to prescribe any for his case. Good luck. You have your hands full enough with the needs of your other 3 children and I am sure this child's behavior is extremely upsetting to everyone. Dr. Pine can offer real advice and suggestions and has trials in which you may wish to enroll your son. He can discuss CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) with you too, but I believe that strict behavior modification use at home is of crucial, first importance, though it takes hard work and will also involve your other children, because you can not treat one differently from the others in either punishment or reward circumstances. But you can do this--good luck.

You have to protect your other kids from the violent older brother. As he gets older and stronger he could get to the point where he does them and/or you serious harm. As his Mom you want to help him and hope there's a way to turn him around, but your other kids are counting on you to protect them. If medication does not provide significant improvement, he might need some long term hospitalization. Your younger children need a chance to grow up without living with a constant threat of violence from their brother. I'm sure it's very hard for them to not feel safe in their own home.

Could he possibly have spd? Sounds alot like my sensory seeker who most mainstream folks think is ADHD but in our case it's definately not. We have been able to help it alot though through diet no dyes no preservatives we have gone further with no corn because of another child and no dairy because of another and very very limited gluten because of yet another. It's just easier with 4 kids to all or nothing when it comes to food for us right now. We see Liz allen at mt Washington childrens hospital for ot for spd.