Grandfather Tells Child "I've Never Seen Two Kids like You Two".

Children do bicker and fight ~ that is within the realm of normal. I would encourage you to look at your childrens' behavior first and really acknowledge what it looks like. Are they doing a little bit of bickering, but still able to play together and have fun? Do they snipe at one another constantly, or worse, hit or kick or pinch? If they are the former, then maybe the grandparents just are not ready to spend lots of time with your kids and they can spend more time in a few years. If it's the latter, then it's time for the family to get a handle on the girls' behavior. I would use G'pa's comment as a chance to looks outside, assess, and then make a decision about how much rivalry is too much. Go for there...good luck.

It's true. He never said that they were "weird", but different. Your daughter just misread him wrong and it is good to let her know that. It happens all the time in situations. That is why it is good to say to someone, did you mean ............ If you think of maybe when you speak to your husband and he gets defensive, you didn't mean at all what he thought you did.

As far as the fighting, yes it is normal to a point. I would not put up with physical behavior or would I deem it ok to do it in public. They need to have boundaries for when or where it is appropriate to argue. No body likes to hear fighting children, even you, but when you are not the parent, it is even worse. Are there reasons that your girls fight so often? Do they feel that they are competing? Is someone treating them the same way? Can you curb there outbursts? Your girls need to know that they aren't always right either and in their life, people with disagree with things that they may do. It doesn't mean that they are bad people. It's a good lesson in learning respect for others.

Sorry for the echo, but, yes, some disagreement is normal, but lots of harmony and fun is also normal. I've noticed that my two daughters, 8 and 5, fight when they are trying to jockey for power, like who gets to chose the game, or, the old: "who's right" game (this one can take many forms). I remind them about twice a month that they are not each other's mom, but each other's best friend. This tends to turn things around and they can look at each other in this new light. I grew up with a brother one year older and a brother one year younger, and I always used to pine for a sister. I thought that a sister would just make my life 100% better. I loved my brothers (and still do), but they had the ability to be very, well, active, when a good tea party or make up party would have suited me better. It was especially bad when they had a group of boys over to play. Thank goodness I had my own room.

Anyway, I was so glad that my girls got a sister and I think I have that vision of "best friend sisters" that I totally promote and that they, for the most part, buy. I don't get involved in their squabbles very much except to insist that they resolve conflicts respectfully (but that true of their conflicts with everyone). It is a great joy to me then to leave them alone and soon hear their giggles. They even made up a chant where one says :"sisters" and the other says "sisters"; then one "fovever" the other "forever"...and this goes on and on. It's music to my ears. I have told them that any toy or issue or whatever is temporary but their sisterhood is forever.

Maybe Grandpa's comments were helpful because subconciously he is showing them a vision that there is another way for siblings to be.

All the best in dealing with this,
Cathrin

This doesn't sound like a mean or intentionally hurtful statement. It sounds more like a statement of facts. In life, there are consequences for one's behavior. Normally, these consequences help reinforce positive behaviors and discourage negative behaviors. Tell your daughters that it bothers Grandpa, and others, when they bicker and fight, and that is what he was talking about when he said that he'd never seen two kids like them. If they want grandpa, and others, to think well of them, than they need to behave in a way that doesn't offend or irritate them. It's their choice.

I don't think you should be mad at him. It was an honest, nonaccusatory observation. Maybe you should take this opportunity to reflect on your kids' behavior. Maybe it really is more extreme from the norm and you need to get a handle on it. Some rivalry is normal, but constant bickering and fighting should not be allowed. Just because it is "natural," doesn't mean it is beneficial for anyone. It sounds like bickering and fighting is now the routine for your kids and they don't think anything of it. Maybe it is time for you to step in and help them create a more positive relationship?
Maybe when they hit or say mean things you should think of creative consequences that build a stronger relationship. I remember hearing about a woman who, as a child, whenever she fought with her sibling, they'd have to stand at opposite corners of a room and could take one step forward with each compliment to her sibling. In the middled they hugged and could go about their day. When my son is mean to his sister, I have him do something nice for her as a consequence. Often he has to read her a book or be her "waiter" for her meal. He loves both of these jobs. I wouldn't do something that would encourage rivalry, like having him give her one of his toys. That would create resentment.
Good luck!

Don't be upset with "Grandpa" as I'm sure that all he ment was he hadn't seen kids fight like they do. Just explain that to your daughter and tell her that not everyone enjoys being around girls who argue or fight all the time. I'm sure that's what Grandpa ment and there's no reason to get upset, mad, or even get your feelings hurt. :)

Being an only child, I don't know about the sibling rivalry. Listening to my husband talk about him and his 3 brothers and 1 sister growing up, it's a miracle they all survived with a roof over their heads. From that angle sibling rivalry/bickering is expected. You also have every right to be upset at your in-laws for producing this insecurity in your older daughter. If it were me I'd tell the in-laws (especially grandpa) what they are doing/have done to your girls. I would also try to set up some Mommy/Daddy & Me time where it's just one girl and one parent ad they get special one-on-one time with a parent.

I really don't know what else to suggest.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

C., you are completley right. Kids fight. The people out there that have only one child will never know this. Never. They can hear you defend your children but will never truly understand. Sibbling rivalry is important it is important to be allowed to disagree with a peer in your age bracket. For me my older sister and i were not allowed to get upset with each other. we were not allowed to disagree on any level. As children we put smiles on our faces and pretended to agree. Now as adults we struggle to have a relationship. I beleive firmly that it is because we never learned how to disagree as children. We were never givent the tools to love each other through our disagreements. It is vital to your children to have that freedom. The inlaws are wrong. it is a boundry issue with them. You can choose to say somthing to them or just inform your girls know that "grandpa" is wrong. But in no way let anyone tell you your doing a bad job with letting the girls disagree. Maybe if the fighting is getting really bad and starting to effect dinners or family time with you and your husband you can have them sit across from one another and say things they like about the other. Then praise one another for what they have accomplished. Recognizing their strentghts in different areas and giving them both praise will help them know that you see them and they can begin to see each other. Not trying to be preachy just I totally know what you are going through extended family will always but their head in where it really doesnt belong. It's up to us to make clear boundries around our families. Take care

Ok, this one really got to me, first, in order to have a full parenting experience, you must have more than one! Next NOBODY always gets along, I tend to let my mouth go faster than my brain sometimes, but I would not be angry as much as I would be questioning someone's idea of 'normal'. Tell your kids they are just fine, they need to learn to get along, but all kids fight, if they say they don't they are lying, it is that simple! And that is what I would tell this in-law person as well, "I" might even do it right in front of my kids, so they could see I was supporting them, don't know how your husband feels about this situation, but your family your rules!!!!!

My brother and I fought constantly as children...I think sometimes we would have killed each other if our parents had not stepped in. Same goes for all of my friends when I was growing up. I have never met anyone who did not fight with their siblings. I can certainly understand your feelings of anger towards your father in law at making that comment. I don't think he meant to hurt the kids though. Perhaps you can talk with him about it and explain that they now think they are "weird" or different (I don't know how well you get along with him) or perhaps your husband can do that if you are not able. You may be able to get your father in law to explain to the girls that it is just an expression and that all he meant by it is that he isn't used to seeing kids that argue so much (perhaps explain that his kids didn't argue, so he isn't used to it) and explain that he doenst think they are weird in any way. I think it would mean more to them coming from him rather than from you or your husband. Also, another thing to consider is that same sex siblings seem to fight "better" (more, whatever you want to call it) than opposite sex ones. I think because there is more to relate to and be jealous of. Good luck.

I suspect the grandparents are uncomfortable around all the fighting; who wouldn't be? I can't stand to be around my parents or inlaws or anyone else when they are fighting. It's poor manners to be so obnoxious in public or around other people. The poor man probably didn't know what else to say to express how miserable it is to be around screaming, fighting girls. It doesn't sound like he said "weird", either, but that your daughter extrapolated that. I didn't get along well with my siblings (we fought a lot at home) but we sure didn't do that when visiting other people in their homes. It is easy to get defensive when someone points out something about us that could be better, but perhaps it's in the girls' best interest to learn to behave and not make themselves unwelcome.

ally honestly do not think Grandpa meant that in an offensive way. Have hubby talk to him privately and let him know that the girls were hurt by that comment. Maybe he can bring himself to apologize and censor his comments later. Let grandpa know that they are sensitive.

As far as the sibling rivalry, yes, it is normal. I grew up in a family with 7 kids with an age spread of only 10 years between the oldest and youngest. I had 2 other sisters. We all 7 fought. But, by 7 and 10, your girls are old enough to learn to control their actions, and you need to DEMAND it! Disagreeing is one thing, but they need to learn that it is absolutely NOT okay for them to lay a hand on the other. They will occasionally anyway, but you need to not tolerate any of it. I really wish now as an adult and also when I was a child that my mother would have been a little more firm on that rule. I was very physically abusive to my younger siblings because my mother let me. Home needs to be a safe place for everyone, and your girls need to start working on alternate ways to deal with problems before they get any older. You don't want them to grow into adults with physical violence and verbal assaults to be the only way they know how to deal with their problems.

C.,

You have every right to be upset with your inlaws. No one should ever make your children feel inseccure. My two boys are the same ages as your girls. I know that this sounds wierd, but it worked. I got one of those pair of play hand cuffs and wrapped them in fabric so they wouldn't hurt the kids. Then I hand cuffed their hands together. Then for one day they had to work together to do every thing. They did fight at first, but when they realized that they had to be together for a day they started to work together. I also poured out their toy box so they had to work together to pick up the toys. I only had to do it once. If they start fighting again, I ask them if they want to be stuck together for a day. They always straighten right up. This method was suggested to me by their peditrician a couple of years ago. It is a safe way for them to realize how to work together. It is kind of like a three legged race but with hands. I hope that this helps. Remeber siblings are going to fight. People who were an only child do not understand about siblings. They never had any one to fight with. Also parents with an only child tend to indulge in their children and give them what they want when they want it.