Frustrated Wife Here

I think that there is a compromise here. I completely get why you are frustrated. I would suggest that you let the meal thing go...as long as the kids are fed, I consider it a victory. However, I also think that it's reasonable for you to not come home to a disaster either It would be respectful for him to at least load the dishwasher and wipe the counters down. It's not going to be to your same standards and that's ok. I think you just want to see him make an effort to be helpful. You need to spell out exactly what you want him to do. Men do not see things the same way that we do...they just don't. I struggle with this too. I just want to scream sometimes. If I have to give step by step instructions for every little thing, it frustrates me and it's almost worth it to just do it myself.

I think there was the same question almost exactly from another mom yesterday.

When I worked full time, my husband and I split things fifty fifty. But that's the kind of marriage we have. That's the man I married.

When I became ill, my husband became Mr. Mom for close to a year. And worked. He stepped up.

I don't know what the difference is - other than that's his personality. We're a team. I would do same for him.

Mind you, if my husband just gets the meal on, I could care less what is. If he looks after the kids and the TV is on, I'm ok with that. Men aren't moms. Maybe your standards are a bit high.

My husband does dad stuff with our kids, but out of the two of us, I do more of the homework and crafts and activities. But that's my thing. I enjoy it. He does the chauffeuring.

So if your expectations are that he will do half of the same stuff - that probably won't work. Figure out what he will be responsible for, what you will, and don't do the stuff he will do.

And don't criticize what he does. Men hate that. Just as we do. You're not his mom.

As for cleaning up crumbs and having a meal for you when you get home - ask him to do it. If he says no, to me that's just unkind. I couldn't live with that.

Good luck :)

ETA: A friend recently had enough of her situation (she was frustrated as you) and left her husband when her kids were about 10. Here's the thing. Dad gets kids half the time. Dad has totally stepped up. He did if he had to. She was the type of mom who did everything and high standards. Her kids come back not bathed sometimes and no way do they get the nutrients they do with her, but they are happy and healthy and she makes up for it the other half of the time. She realized after the fact that it's ok what he does.

I think this is a common problem in marriage/parenting. Moms often care more about things like a clean house and healthy eating and sometimes have to realize that dads have lower standards. Of COURSE that can lead to resentment on your end.
What I have to wonder and ask is how is your relationship as a couple? We get so caught up in our kids, jobs, home, etc. we can forget about the most crucial relationship of all, that is, our partners in all of this.
I think it's REALLY important to make spending time together, talking, down time, sex, all of that, a real priority. It's during those times that you can have the honest, non-nagging conversations about what's important, how to divide the never ending chores and responsibilities that come with raising a family.
You also don't want to fall into the habit of "doing it all" and then complaining about doing it all. You need to have an honest discussion about all the things that need to be done, and then decide what you can and cannot do. You also need to take some time for yourself. Get out and go to the gym or spend time with friends once or twice a week, when you can. Schedule it. And don't worry if the kids only get pizza or burgers for dinner sometimes. As long as they mostly have a healthy diet that just doesn't matter in the long run/big picture.
And if you can at all afford it, even if it's only once or twice a month, get some housecleaning help. Not having to mop floors and scrub toilets will make a HUGE difference in your sanity and your life.

Your kids are still young and require more of your time. As they get older they can also chip in around the house. It may be tight on your budget but I would share with your husband in a kind way that you respect he is busy and it is important he can do things he enjoys (football coach) and doesnt want to be nagged, you equally want to do things you enjoy thus it is best for you both if you do not work weekends until the kids are little older because, you are only human & it is too much!This frustrates a lot of women incl myself even though my husband is relatively helpful with household (not kid related) matters. We recently had this conversation before I just took on a new job after working from home part time when my son was young. While I was home he appreciated not having to rush back from work every night to relieve child care, having a clean house and dinner ready, and my taking care of a lot his errands for him. Our weekends were much more relaxed and spent fun family time rather than runing around doing errands. Also recognize that you may do more of the household/kids related things but he may do more of other necessary things (yard work, bill paying, changing water filters etc) so in the end it is more even. The important thing is to speak in a way that doesnt put him on defensive but rather can understand you. Also as one other woman said, lower standards for how and what gets done. Men and women are different. Good luck

So my question is have you two had a conversation about it when it isn't an issue? Or do you just talk about it when you come home exhausted from a long day and then you're frustrated?

My husband and I are picky about different things. We fuss because I can't stand for every flat surface to be covered in something and he always uses any flat surface for stuff. He is better about helping the kids keep up with their laundry (they all do their own, but he will often help them out by folding it for them). We made a "compromise" by me not flipping out on him completely for the home office (where he also works full-time) being a mess if he doesn't junk up the rest of the house. Doesn't always work (sometimes I fuss and sometimes he makes a mess), but we just work at trying to be aware of the other one's wants/needs.

So the kids eat frozen pizza or chicken nuggets 1-2 times a week, not the end of the world. My husband is a great cook when he wants to, but certain things. He doesn't do new recipes...as long as my kids EAT, I'm good.

Your 5 and 3 year old should be picking up after themselves...so start working on that. It will help, but not alleviate it completely.

You and your husband need to TALK though...not fight, but discuss what your needs are and what his are. He needs to relax when he's home - and we all know with 3 kids those ages there isn't really such a thing. So do you. He makes times for himself and you need to do the same. Be willing to let some things go or work on making the rest of the family help you more.

You have every right to be upset. It might help if you made dinners with extra portions for the days you work or put something in the slow cooker before you leave for work. But as for the rest he needs to clean up after himself and the kids while you are working.
OR...
Sit down and refigure your budget. Tell him you will quit your job and just stay home to take care of the kids and the house. However he may have to give up some of the things he enjoys because you won't be able to afford them.
OR..
Hire someone to come in and take care of the household duties while you are at work. again put this on him. Sorry honey no more premium channels or day trips because YOU refuse to take care of the house and kids while I'm at work. We just won't be able to afford it if I have to hire someone to do it for you.
Explain to him that since you do your duty to the house and kids and work you should have to give up the things you like but since he can't or won't do his duty he needs to give up what he likes.

It's tough when the kids are as small as yours are, but is there an evening when you can cook a meal as a family? Your kindergartner can help measure, maybe the toddler can help with setting the table. And your husband learns to cook something everyone will eat. I get what people are saying about relaxing your meal standards, but IMHO pizza and chicken nuggets are for when people are busy and tired, not because a parent with lots of time claims not to "know how to cook."

I think you need to pick a couple things that are really important to you and see if your husband can agree to do more with them. That way he has agreed, you're not a "nag," and you have solutions to at least some of the things that are on the long list of resentments you have here.

Wow, I completely understand your resentment. It is really not too much to ask of him to clean up the messes made throughout the day, have food for you to eat after your long day and have the house straightened up and a load of laundry done. These are the things you do for him and I have to wonder if when he works he is working or gone for over 12 hours in a day like you.

I don't think you should tell your husband what he should make and feed the kids however. Let him handle it. You could ask him to serve a piece of fresh fruit as a side to the pizza or cereal though.

For the sake of your marriage I hope he changes. Perhaps you should let him read this post and the responses you receive. Best of luck!!!

For what it is worth it will get easier as the kids get older.

Your situation used to be mine to a T... 2 overworked parents both working full-time, 3 small kids, a husband with way lower standards than the wife and a strong desire to relaaaaax on his time off. Actually this is still my situation, who am I kidding. Nothing has changed except my kids are a little older (9, 6, 2). If anything, things have gotten MORE busy now that my two older kids are busy with after school activities and sports non-stop.

What has changed is my outlook. I have just accepted that I am married to a man who will always think things are 50-50 even though it is more like 30-70, and I try to appreciate him for what he does contribute. It's a huge deal to him that he gets the two older kids off to school every morning while getting himself ready for work. I have to appreciate that nugget because I have the luxury to get ready alone in peace and quiet every morning (because I've woken up hours early to get the lunches made and the kitchen clean for the day and out the door!)

Also I remind myself that it is temporary! Years go by fast, 3 kids are a lot but they are growing. Always entering new (and hopefully more helpful) stages. Before you know it your kids will be old enough to fix their own food (frozen pizza anyone??) and maybe put away their own laundry. You can make them do that now, at least the older two can put their dirty clothes in a hamper. When you get home and tell them to.

I realized that I am doing all these things around the house because I WANT TO, and I suspect this applies to you too (you are a nurse, you've chosen a career in professional caretaking!) I like to accomplish things. I like the feeling of "busy". I like a tidy and organized environment. I like to stay ahead of the never-ending cyclical chores like dishes and laundry. I like cooking and sharing my love of vegetables with smaller people. That's just me. If I didn't value these things I wouldn't put time into them. I can't be mad at my husband for not being like me.

AND what helps the most.... a cleaning lady every 2 weeks. Seriously, if you haven't invested in housecleaning help yet, I highly recommend it from one working mom to another. It was a game changer for me. I resisted for a few years, I don't know why, pride or something. But the 3rd child tipped the scales and I haven't looked back. You work full time. You have kids to take care of spend quality time with. Get someone to come help clean.

The time when I felt this imbalance you write about most acutely was when my husband was working weekends. I would bust my butt all weekend alone for 2 days straight to get the house in tip-top shape for the coming week... only to have it all unravel the following two days that he had off. I couldn't help be irritated by the end of Tuesday night. I suspect that your offset schedules has a lot to do with your frustration. Once my husband and I went on the same work cycle, the whole thing felt more like a partnership. Even though it's still 70-30, that feeling of not having control over "his" two days and him not doing it the way *I* would, went away, and that went a long way into calming me down.

Resentment is no bueno! Let It Go! Accept this crazy busy time of life and your own crazy high standards of caretaking. Or better yet, lower them, for your own sake... Frozen pizza can be OK. Dirty floors are (disgusting and maddening but) OK. Skipping baths now and then to give yourself an evening break is OK. This is your stage right now. Eventually you'll have all three in school in the mornings and you'll be living out of your car all afternoon taking them places (don't even try to keep your vehicle clean when you enter this stage). It's the craziness of three kids and 2 working parents... just ride the ride.

Wow R.! You sound like a supermom! If your oldest child is only five years old it sounds like you have a lot on your plate! I admire how you manage to balance a part time job, an infant among your children, and endorsing good eating habits in your children! Looking at the responses below, I agree that you definitely could use a little alone time. Or even if you feel like it, alone time with your husband! See if you could arrange play dates with neighbors for an afternoon and spend a relaxing afternoon with your husband. I've found that long walks are always fun and extremely easy on the budget. I had a similar problem with my husband when my oldest son was in sixth grade. I had never realized the lack of variety in foods he could cook. It seems like our husbands went to the same cooking class because they seem to cook from the same book! (frozen pizza, chicken nuggets, cereal) That's when I decided to start a new family tradition. Every Saturday I would bring my husband and my oldest son into the kitchen for a thirty minute cooking lesson. I'd teach them how to cook something simple (such as chicken noodle soup, a tossed salad, or trail mix). I found this to be extremely successful in so many ways! For one thing, my family learned to cook and it brought a lot of stress off me to cook every meal. In fact, my son began to love cooking- he even began to make us breakfast on Sundays! It teaches awareness about the ingredients in food and raises thought provoking questions for your children. Are there ingredients you like to use? Any you dislike? Are there certain ingredients that you might not want to use too much of? But perhaps the most helpful thing it taught in our house was the importance of cleaning up after yourself. My son began to notice that he didn't have room to use the table if he didn't clean off the dirty dishes he had used. Without even having to ask him, he moved them right to the sink! This worked great for our family but my son was older when we began this tradition. I know you don't want your kids handling the oven yet but they could help with other simple tasks such as mixing, measuring, and using fun cookie cutters. As they mature you can add tasks. I really hope this helps! But remember, you sound like a wonderful, caring mother. We need more people like you!

Not trying to be mean, okay?

He treats you like a servant because you're acting like one. Why in the world don't you come in after working and simply go to bed? Let him wake up to dirty dishes, let him figure out how to put clothes on the kids if they're dirty?

You are not respected as a person because you have trained him to treat you like this.

What to do?

Give him chores that are his chores 24/7/365. His alone. Then if they aren't done they stay waiting. You CANNOT even do them one time.

My hubby does the dishes. He takes out the trash. He does his own laundry too. He doesn't like fabric softener so he does his separately.

I didn't do these things to him. This is HIS HOME TOO. He has just as much interest in how his HOME is kept up as I do.

You do need to be teaching the kids to keep their clothes in a hamper, put up toys every evening before bed, etc...they will be the ones helping you in the future.

If it were me I'd go ahead and work some during the week too. So I could have some time off with the whole family at least one day per week.

I understand your frustration and I have not read the other answers so I'm sorry if this has already been said but why not do crockpot meals on the weekends? That would at least eliminate the cooking problem. As for the cleaning, good luck.

I just want to say I'm sorry...sometimes marriage sucks. Wouldn't it be nice to have your own little sunny house somewhere nearby and let your husband deal with this own mess and laziness himself?