Frustrated-crying 4 Yr Old

One thing that I have found helps decrease the frequency is to put the child's coat on and set them on the front porch to get the crying out. I tell them that they are welcome to come in when they have settled down. We live in the country, so I don't have to worry about their safety or someone taking them. This way I don't have to hear it(as loudly) and the cold seems to end the crying much faster.

I went through something similar we had him evaluated with a child psychologist. We see her every 2 weeks when we can or once a month. She's teaching him how to handle when people tease, laugh, take toys without having melt downs. It's helped A LOT. I would suggest you speak with one. We see Dr. Denny (her first name) at Children's Psychology Dept. in St. Paul.

J.,

Whenever he does behavior that is not appropriate, send him to his room. Forget about it when he comes out again. If he is rewarded for good behavior and you ignore the inappropriate behavior, he will get the message. Some kids are more sensitive than others, but you don't want to make a big deal--just send him to his room until he is ready to act appropriately.

L. :)

I don't know if this would work for you or not, but I have a daycare child(my nephew actually) who cries over everything! And if he's not crying he's puckering up like he could go off at any moment!! All because someone looked at him wrong!

I did the whole send him somewhere to cry for a longtime since it wasn't something to honestly cry over for THAT long. (Hey, you can cry if you want but come on already, an hour? I so understand!) What has started to work with him is for me to show him empathy of course (I understand you're upset), than I just ignore it and "make" him go back to playing. "you're fine let's play" "Turn off the tears we're going to do a puzzle now" ....I just keep engaging him until he gets over it.

like I said I don't know if it will work fro you but I thought I would put it out there!

I agree with the other poster who said that he might not have the 'tools' emotionally to deal with his frustration and probably needs to be taught how to calm down. Not the the extent that your attention to the issue is rewarding (staying with him for an hour...), but enough so that you are nurturing him and helping him manage these overwhelming emotions. You can try some common sense ones like counting to ten, thinking of something else, talking to someone...etc. Plus, I am sure there are some good children's books on the topic that could address it at his level. The other thing running through my head as I was reading your post was that he sounds like he might be over tired. Did he just give up a nap or something? Did he just start a new class, a later bedtime? My 5 yr old twins carry on like that when they are tired. So you might want to try an earlier bed time, quiet time during the day if he wont nap for you anymore. I wouldn't make it a consequence of his actions since I dont think punishing a child for expressing his emotions is ever a good idea (as long as it doesnt harm someone else), but just as a sweeping change for the whole family.... Good luck!

((I keep telling him I don't think I need to be happy with him right after he's cried for an hour.)) I don't think I would tell him that anymore...it shows him your upset with him for well being him...

the next time his big brother takes his toy, make the big brother give it back and apologize...he has to learn to share too, he cannot just take things, don't make the little one go to his room because his brother took something from him and made him cry...hardly seems fair.

he is too young to know how to handle or control his emotions...I agree with the last poster who says to get down on his level and let him know that you know he is sad, relate to him in some way...then DISTRACT him, help him find something else to play with or something else to do...could bring the hour long crying down to 5 minutes...afterall their attention span isn't really long enough yet to be focused on crying for an hour...

he might be more sentimental than your older children, so be more gentle with him and help him through it...

Have you tried throwing a small glass of water in his face? I know, sounds shocking, I was appauld when my husband did it to our son. But he was having these fits for no reason when he was 3. There was no consoling him either, he was gaging and puking too, we tried everything. He seemed in a trance! He got a glass of water about 3 different times and then we never saw that fit again. It was just enough shock factor to snap him out of it.
He was not having a toy taken away, or being punished, he wasn't mad or sad about anything. I sure hope he wasn't having a mygraine headache. But he is a happy, sassy, well adjusted 7 year old now.

I feel your pain. My son is 5 now but when he was 4 he was just like that. It drove me crazy. Sometimes he would get slightly hurt and go nuts. I wanted to hug him and kiss him and make him feel better but he would just carry on and eventually it just made me angry. After a long while of not knowing what to do I decided to talk to him after he calmed down. I explained that when he gets hurt a little bit he can cry a little bit. If he gets hurt really bad he can cry a little more. I also explained that when he gets hurt or upset I want to hug and kiss him to make him feel better but when he cries so hard and long I can't do that. I asked him if he would like me to give him hugs and kisses when he gets hurt and cries or if he wants to sit in his room and cry by himself (He wanted hugs and kisses). I also set a limit to his crying and if he cried a little I would lavish him with love. If he cried just to cry and went on and on I would send him to his room. He has improved a ton! I used to say that it felt like he was four forever. I think it had a lot to do with his crying. I was consistent and explained it many times. I didn't get angry (after I figured out how to handle it) when I explained how to behave. I think that I actually taught him what to do with his feelings. I am sure that some of it came from getting older but I like to think the behavior improved sooner with my help. He still has days that he cries and I send him to his room but I kind of think he is just letting off steam. I ask him if he needed a good cry and he says yes.

When I was a little kid my mom would go nuts when I cried from a skinned knee or something like that. My crying was always stifled. I feel like it warped me a bit so when my kid was crying and I was yelling at him and sending him to his room I felt terrible. I think it is important that kids be able to express themselves within reason.

Good luck.

Oh boy, do I feel your pain! I have a 5 year old daughter who you seem to be describing to a "T"! She started having these sorts of "tantrums" at age 2. She would get so worked up that she would also vomit. They seemed to come out of nowhere. These are not tantrums from not getting her own way. She would fight me if I tried to hold her or go near her but she'd also get hysterical if she couldn't see me. I felt like I had no way to help her calm down except to just sit nearby and wait for it to end. Sometimes it would last close to an hour! I felt so helpless! I can almost always see in retrospect that she was tired or maybe had low blood sugar. A nurse friend of mine told me recently that some children get migraines and that they do not get headaches like adults do, but which cause them to act this way and then as soon as they vomit, they feel better and the "tantrum" is over. This seems to fit for my daughter. Often she falls asleep afterwards. If I can see that she needs to eat, she is too hysterical during her "fit" to get her to eat, etc. It has gotten much much better over the years though. I work with her on techniques to calm herself down when she is not hysterical. I especially love the book When Sophie Gets Angry, Really Really Angry. We practice them when she's calm but usually she can't follow my directions when she is having one of these episodes. I try to give more (protein-rich) snacks and encourage drinks throughout the day, especially at times I know she needs more, like right after school is out. This seems to help a lot. We have her clean up after herself nowadays and tell her to go to the toilet if she feels like she needs to be sick and we leave her alone.This seems to make her try harder to calm down. I know it seems cruel, but it keeps us calmer and we no longer get angry and feel held hostage by this behavior. Sometimes we ask her to sit in the "time out" place (our bathrooom) until she is quiet- and then she can join us again. This works sometimes but for these really bad spells, usually she can't cope with being alone. Holding her in my arms and saying nothing works sometimes. Talking with her about what happened later, there seems to be no logical reason for it. That's what makes it hard.
Have you read Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinka? It is the best book I have ever read about how to help kids who are a bit "more" in some ways. I would recommend checking it out for ideas. It has helped me to see my daughter in a more positive light and I've learned some great parenting strategies which are loving and helpful- and refreshingly not in keeping with many parenting books which suggest the child is doing everything for attention and because of a strong will.

I would take him to his room, give him hugs, and tell him when he's feeling better he can come out. This isn't a punishment. It's just protecting others from the stress. You might even talk to him about it before hand and explain that you understand that when he gets upset he needs some time to calm down. You'll just need him to work on that in his room until he's ready. Empower him with control over his own emotions. You can't MAKE him feel better anyway.

When he does come out, you should be all smiles and welcome him back. Even praise him for being such a big boy for calming himself down.

Hi J.
When I was reading your post I kept thinking this child is overtired. Did he just stop napping or start a new later bed time? my daughter will do the same thing when she is overtired. Good luck :) T.

My 4 year old is the same. He will start crying and will just get himself all worked up. Once he is in that place he has a hard time getting out of it. Some days he just needs to get over it himself and others he needs to be held, etc. When our sons calms himself down we tell him how proud we are that he got himself under control. That shows him that he is in control of the outcome and it reinforces the end result. His episodes are slowly getting shorter in length and now when he gets himself calmed down he says "I am over it now". Then we talk about what made him so upset in the first place. He is slowly getting better about containing himself and expressing how he is feeling without having a meltdown. When he is the throws of his episode we simply keep reminding him that he is in charge of when he gets over it and that we can't do x/y/z until he does. Other times we stick his favorite show in to distract him.
Please don't take this as judgmental but you telling him you are still mad/upset after his outburst has a very negative impact. Please keep in mind that when kids get like that the extreme emotion can be very frightening to them. They can feel out of control, etc. Once he is done with his outburst you should be too. I know it is easier said than done, but how can you expect him to get over something quickly when you can't? Not only is his own emotion frightening to him but the fact that you stay mad at him after he gets over it can be terrifying to a child.
Good luck.

Our daughter is kind of a "cry baby" as well. While her spats are not as long as your sons, they are very annoying to deal with. I tell her what my mother in law told my husband and his siblings when they were growing up - "Take it to your room and when you are done throwing your fit you may come back out." As an experienced mother and teacher I'm sure you know that acknoledging (sp??) a childs behavior is what the child is looking for, and when my daughter (3.5) and even my son (1.5)realize that they're not going to get the attention they want from it they stop. If my daughters feeling really fiesty she'll throw a huge fit in her room, but she comes out when she realizes that no one is coming to "rescue" her. It sounds like you've tried everything under the son, I suggest some tough love and telling your son that he's a big boy and knows better than to act that way and in the future he will have to go to his room until he has decided to behave himself again. Hope this helps :)

A sign of a gifted child is being very sensitive. I would start by hugging him and acknowledging that he is hurting and you understand. You say you have not consoled him...I would start by consoling him. This will begin a bond between the two of you. Telling him you are not happy with him because he was crying is absurd. His emotions are obviously real and you should embrase his sensitivity.

I have a daughter like that, and like you, I tried everything I could think of. Nothing seemed to work when my goal was to get her to stop crying.

Then I reassessed the situation. I realized that she is a very sensitive individual, and that she becomes overwhelmed with her feelings sometimes, and the way she releases it is to cry. When someone tries to comfort her or calm her down, she pushes them away - because it is too invasive to her. She needs to be left alone, and she needs to cry.

Of course, the rest of the family needs to not be audibly assaulted with her crying. So to respect her needs as well as the rest of ours, I told her that it is fine for her to cry, but that it hurts our ears, so she needs to go into her room where she can have some privacy. (Not at all a punishment mind you, and she is welcome to come out anytime). She is 8 now, and handles her emotions much better. Oh- and she never did cry at school - she "held it in" if she got upset.

Good Luck!

he's at the age where he's not mature enough to automatically know how ot calm himself. he needs to be taught the techniques to help get under control emotions. i used to get down to my sons level and ask him to take deep breaths in to calm down so he can use his words to tell me why he's crying. and i would breath in and out with deep breaths so he can see how it's done. it worked really well. that doesn't mean he still doesn't cry sometimes for what as adults it seems like no reason. but for their maturity level, it is a big reason.
my son is now 4 and he too will cry at the drop of a hat for what as an adult i would think, 'what is your problem'..lol but what works to calm him quickly is getting down to his level, comforting him with a hug and aknowledging to him that i understand. by saying ' i know it's sad when daddy leaves and can't have breakfast with you, mommy's sad too when daddy leaves' or something to that affect but by awknowledging his feelings he calms quickly. even if it's something he wants but can't have i may say 'i know it's fun to play with the ball. and it's sad when we can't play with it when we want. how about we wait our turn and we can play with it when the other boy is done or we can play together with him'. my son just recently had a huge breakthrough with sharing at preschool so huge the teacher had to tell me about it when i picked him up..lol lol
i would think that the reason he's coming back down stairs all happy is because he wants to make you happy, not that he understands why he was crying or really had the tools to calm himself. or would be any different the next time. the times i give my son a timeout it just kills him cuz i'm not giving him attention. he may cry,, and then afterwards tells me he wants me to be happy. i try to reassure him that i am happy and he is a good boy that he had bad behaviors that weren't appropriate so his punishment was to sit on the time out step. he thinks i put him there because i was angry or unhappy at him. i let them know it's ok to feel angry or sad or mad. those are normal, it's how you need to teach them to deal with those feelings once they have them that will help them and you in the long run.

good luck..i too have children close togehter(9 1/2 months apart) and it can be tough sometimes keeping your wits about ya..lol llol and not loosing it because it seems easier than talkign to them about all of it.. anxiety meds have also helped with that..lol lol not for them ..for me..lol

Why don't you ask him - when he's calm and things are good - ideas that he might have to help stop him from crying. He's old enough to know what would make him happy. Maybe he does just need to go to his room and get it out. That's ok. At least he comes out when he's sweet. Find a game plan together.

Well, it does seem excessive, but, perhaps he's very sensitive. Let him cry it out and when he's done...be grateful for it and act like nothing has happened. Don't be mad at him or not play with him when he clearly can't stop crying. I've been in moods before when I just want to cry or be mad. It's probably just a phase and he has to learn to control his feelings and comfort himself, even if it takes an hour. But, don't punish him for taking too long. Just act like you didn't even notice his excensive crying session.

Hi J.,

My 4 year old has also had extended times of crying. When I think it is getting to be too much, I let him know lovingly that I can see he is sad/angry/frustrated and that he can cry if he wants to, but that he needs to go to his room to do it because we are (fill in the blank...eating, playing, reading) and his noise is disturbing us. I also let him know when he is ready to come out he is welcome to join us. When he does come out, I give him a hug and tell him how proud I am of him for calming down. This has reinforced for him what appropriate behavior is and that he is in control of it.

Hope this helps!

I have taught preschool for several years....so that is the background I come from. I also have three children of my own. It sounds like this is a little out of his control possibly..and yours ;). Have you had an early childhood assessment done with him--focusing on social and emotional behaviors. At the very least, this would give you some ideas of his strengths, as well as laying out the weaknesses more descriptively. This would allow you to use those strengths to compensate. Through the Child Find (or whatever it is called in your state) these assessments are free. Make sure he is not assessed by someone outside of the field you are concerned about (ie. a speech therapist would not be terrilby helpful in his case). Just an idea...we have used this occasionally to help us come up with more ideas. Sounds like you may be looking for some of those.

Hope this helps!

Sounds like you are doing the right things. I put my four year old in his bed when he cries like that and tell him he can come out when he is all done crying. I do hug him though after he comes out if he is truly done. Otherwise, I say to him that he needs to go back in until he is ready to be done crying.

My 2yr old gets so upset he pukes too, so I'm glad you're over that stage of it anyway.

What has worked for us is for me to pick him up and hold him so he can see my face and then mirror the intensity of his emotion and say out loud what he's feeling "You're ANGRY!" or "You're UPSET!" or "You're SAD!" I just repeat this a few times, lowering the intensity of my tone, until he calms down. If he ramps back up the intensity, I raise my own intensity to almost the same level as him, but not quite, and then go thru the process of lowering the intensity gradually.

The first couple of times it took a while to get him calmed down, but now he calms down after the first or second repetition. And the best part is, half the time when he gets upset about something and the tears start, he comes running to me and says "Riley SAD!" and gets a hug, and stops the tears all by himself! Sometimes he doesn't even need a hug.

I heard of this from Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on the Block, and the Happiest Toddler on the block. He calls it "toddler-ese" and I thought he was absolutely crazy until I actually tried it and saw almost immediate results.

The key is to mirror his emotion and the intensity of the emotion. For some reason this is the way that toddlers realize that you understand and care about what they are feeling.

(As a side note, I baby sat a 4 year old girl who would cry for long periods of time over nothing, and what helped her was just holding her in my lap every time it happened, just holding her silently and stroking her hair. But it sounds like you have tried the consoling thing, so I would start with the toddler-ese mirroring thing for your situation.)

J.,

Try just ignoring the behavior. Don't bring any attention to him at all. May daughter used to actually sit in front of mirrors and practice crying, so I had to make sure we were nowhere near mirrors when she was crying for any reason or it escalated. She is 7 1/2 now and the mirrors can still be a problem. Another thing we did was tell her "Oh, you're fine." and then just walk away. Her preschool teachers had to do this also. One example: she got a papercut and would make a huge deal of it as long as someone paid attention. If we told her she was fine and then ignored it, she let it go. I know it can be hard to ignore, but it's worth a try. It probably is for attention, and many kids don't care if that attention is positive or negative, they just want attention. Good luck!

It sounds like your doing the right things, he is probley just a sensitive child, have you spoken to your peditrition? Do you tell your child (when you send him to his room) that you "cant understand what he is sayin" when he is crying? Make a sticker chart and put a sticker on it each day for not crying. Then make an encentive at the end of the week or month for a night out at a special place he likes to eat or play or just something special he likes.

It is normal for sensitive children to cry. Sometimes they need to have the words of what they are feeling so they can understand it more. When something happens like getting hit by a brother playing around, acknowledge it. "I know it hurt your feelings" give him a hug and give him a release, whether crying in his room or a chance to cuddle for a second. After all how we deal with those we love when they are upset over something teaches them how to be compassonate with others. It is also important to teach the older child to say sorry when he accidently hurts his brother. If he is crying a lot over little things you might check into seeing if he is sleeping good through the night or if he is having trouble with snoring and such. Food allergies also can cause breakdowns over little things since they don't feel good inside.

One thing that you said that bothered me is that when he was done crying he would come out and want you to play with him and you would tell him you still aren't happy with him. Try enforcing the good behavior, playing when he is done, giving a hug or cuddling and reading a book. This reinforces the fact that you love him no matter what. His feeling safe and secure after a fit will help him get past the feeling of needing to cry so much.

I have the same problem with my 5 year old. He has always been the sensitive one. He started pre-school this year, and he is perfect there. He never cries. The first time he cried when I picked him up, his teacher was shocked. However, this fall, he would come home and create a reason to cry. It was like a release valve.

Being in the midst of it, but at a place where it seems better, this is what we've done. We have done the breathing exercises. Sometimes I hold him and sometimes I don't. It depends on why he is crying. If he refuses to do his deep breathing, then I send him to his room.

We have our good days and bad days. Right now we are in a good spot. I remember being a kid and crying so much that I would hyperventilate. I try to be sensitive to it because of that, but I also feel like sometimes he is using it to manipulate and then it gets out of hand. (He is a very dramatic child anyway!)

Good luck. Be consistent. Trust your gut. Basically, just like everything else in parenting!

Hi J.-
We go through this with our soon to be 5 year old! We have simply come to the point of letting her cry and work through it herself. We tell her to take deep breaths when she is ready and come and talk to us when she is ready. WE leave the room, we don't send her anywhere.
It took about a week, but we have noticed that the crying has decreased in length, not amount.
Also know that for some kids, it is just a "phase" stage. I learned that from my daughters school, they never taught me that in all my years of college!!
Good luck and hang in there.

Have you tried Bach Flower Essences Rescue Remedy? It works wonders in all sorts of situations. He probably won't like the taste, but it comes in a squirt top bottle and you could just squirt it in while his mouth is open wailing. It is natural and extremely safe for infants and children, It may make the crying jags shorter and less frequent. You can find it at a health food store. Hope it helps.

My son was like this as well but he was much more aggressive sometimes hitting and throwing things. It took us working with a therapist to help him learn how to communicate what he is really feeling. He still (at age 8) has trouble communicating or recognizing that he is sad, mad, etc. I go to him every time and help him determine how he is feeling and then I have him communicate that. If he is fighting with his sister, I ask him to tell her "I'm mad that you took that toy" or whatever the situation may be. A lot of times he is upset with me even over something as simple as asking him to sit at the dinner table when he is not ready or hungry. He'll start screaming and crying and I have to remind him to think about what he wants to say to me to descibe how he is feeling. I agree with one of the other posts-it would be a good time to have a social/emotional assessment done before he goes to school. My son was diagnosed ADD at 3 but is now being evaluated for possible Asperger's. Hope this helps.