Finding Someone Who Was Given up for Adoption

That is a tough one. As a person who gave a child up for adoption, I would be so upset if another member of my family looked for him. The main reason is that I gave him to another family, it should be their choice whether they tell him he was adopted or not, i gave up that right when i signed the papers.
Keep in mind if he chooses to look for his mother he will and he may not even know he was adopted.
I think about my son everyday and i am in a registry so if he looks i can be found but that is a can of worms i personally do not think you should open.
Many blessings to you

Loving:

Sorry - I would NOT do this without her knowledge. Can you imagine the pain she felt by doing this selfless act?

Do you really think she wants to revisit that pain?
Do you not think she doesn't think of him on his birthday? Come on. She may not celebrate it - but I am sure she would go into a room and cry and pray that he is well and she did the right thing!

Do you think your dad would help you hurt his sister?

Seriously sit back and think about WHY you want to do this. Why do you feel the need to find this man? If you can't tell your aunt about it - then you KNOW it's wrong. This is NOT something you "surprise" someone with either.

Please. Please. Please. Reconsider this.

This has NOTHING to do with you. This is between your aunt and the child she placed. Leave it alone. If your aunt finds out, you will divide your family. Sorry, but adoption is a personal and often painful experience that does not include you because you simply want to find your cousin. What, I wonder, is your motivation? I think there is much more to this story than you have shared.

I wouldn't start looking. It's one thing for birth parents and birth children to search for one another. It's another thing for a distant relative like a cousin, not a parent or sibling, to do this. There are sites and agencies where birth parents and children given up for adoption can sign up and if both do so, be given each others' contact information, but this would not apply to cousins. Your cousin is a man in his 40's. You may be excited at the thought of meeting him, but he may not feel the same way. I don't know you or your motives. I assume that they come from a good and caring place, but please don't assume to know what this stranger would want. If he wanted to find his birth parents, he would have registered with one of the sites I mentioned. If the birth parent isn't interested, more distant relatives don't really get involved. Adoption records are typically private/sealed. Back then, those "open adoptions" were not done. If you know his date of birth and the hospital he was born, the hospital is not going to give you information on a baby that was given up for adoption and who he was adopted by.

You need to tell your aunt your plan. She may be content the way things are, what happens if you find him and he wants to meet her? You don't have a right to cause her any pain. And what about pain it could cause him or his adoptive parents?

Records may not be so forthcoming to you since you're not the parent, there are actually agencies that biological parents and adopted children can sign up with in the event the other is looking. They act as a go-between and see if the other is looking and want contact, they don't just say "Here's his address." My cousin was raped as a teen and gave her daughter up for adoption, around the age of 25 her daughter sought her out and they were reunited, with the blessing of her adoptive parents, no secrecy. But the agency contacted my cousin, respected her right to privacy, and gave contact information out only upon her saying it was OK. There are also two other close family situations where children were put up for adoption, they are open adoptions but in both cases no contact is desired with the fathers, though both sets of adoptive parents know their children have the right to search for them once they are adults.

If you continue you will need as much information as possible. Day/month/year of birth, hospital name or city and state it's located in, biological parents names, their ages, name of child on his birth certificate, your aunt may have named him and it was changed later, the adoption agency or attorney name, a doctor's name, the adoptive parents' names ... as much info as possible. What information is available publicly will be determined by the type of adoption it was, if it was sealed and he's not looking there may be little info available. 43 years ago the vast majority of adoptions were sealed and there's no records, even with a court order, many are just no longer available.

To search go on the internet, go to sites where adopted children are searching for their bio parents on their own, you might see something. Remember, you need dates, names, and locations to narrow it down, if you have enough it might be easy, otherwise futile. But talk to your aunt and get her blessing first, it's really not your call as long as she's alive.

Do you understand that posts like yours are why so many women consider abortion to be their only option?

If a woman wants to TRULY make a decision to not be a mother and be able to move on and grieve and recover and forgive and move past... if they want to make peace with their decision to not parent a child they conceived, they do so with the constant threat of extended family interfering and knowing that one day their past decisions could come back at the hand of someone else.

If your Aunt wanted to find her birth son she would. If her birth son wanted to find his birth mom he would. If the birth father wanted to be involved he would.

Outside of the three of them, no one else has the right to be involved.

If you consider yourself to be **pro-life** at all.... make it *safe* for all women to chose adoption.

ETA I am sorry for your loss of your cousin. As you mentioned the aunt in question is not a close member to you. Have you considered that the giving up of this child is what caused her to be standoffish? She may still be grieving in her own personal way. Perhaps she could not have any more children. Also remember we on the board speak our mind and sometimes it is sweet and sometimes it is not. So remember you are on a public forum.

If your cousin was born 40+ years ago, adoptions were closed. The only way info can come out is if the child/mom/dad file a petition.

My son is adopted and he knows it. He has never expressed any interest in finding his bio parents. If he had, I would have supported his wishes. Many times prior to the finalization of the adoption I had a fear that the mom would want to come and take him back even though she did give him up.

Now, how would you like that feeling many years later that some "family" member went snooping about and stirred the hornet nest? Not a good idea. This child has had a home and a life that he cherishes and he may or may not know he is adopted. Not only would you alienate your aunt but many other members of your immediate and extended family. Why she did it is for her and her only to know. So the best thing is to but out and let it go.

Sorry to come off so blunt but sometimes sleeping dogs need to stay asleep.

the other S.

PS The world of 40+ years ago was very different than now especially when a girl/woman became pregnant. That is another story and most of you were not even born yet.

You should NOT do this under any circumstances. Why would you do this to your aunt? This is cruel, selfish and absolutely none of your business. If this person wanted to be found, he would have done the research by now to find your aunt.

My mother is adopted and if some random person called her out of the blue one day and said "hey, I'm your cousin" Her response would be... no, I'm sorry, you are not. We've talked about it many times and as the person who was adopted, she COULD find her birth mother if she wanted to. She does not.

Respect both of their privacy as well as the life that child has built.

40+ years ago, it wasn't common to have open adoptions like we have today. It also was uncommon for adoptive parents to talk to their adopted children and tell them they were / are adopted. This man (and he's not your cousin, by the way, he's a stranger) may not know; it is not YOUR decision to tell him.

As an adoptive mother, I beg you to let this go. You will, in all likelihood, seriously hurt the people you love and care about. I know you think you're doing an amazing thing, but it's really neither YOUR CHOICE nor YOUR DECISION.

If you're searching because your aunt is ill and the best options are biological children, then I suggest you run a campaign of some kind and get as many people in to be tested to help her out as possible, rather than searching for this 40+ year old man.

If you are searching for any other reason, drop it.

ETA - after reading your SWH ... I'm so proud of the decision you've made. What a blessing you are to your family. Perhaps you can reach out to your aunt in your grief and perhaps find some common ground. As someone else mentioned .... Maybe placing her child for adoption was too much for her and she's still grieving his loss. Best wishes.

Social Services might have info. However, I would really consider your reasons for wanting to do this... you might be opening a can of worms. Not all things like this turn out like you see on t.v. While I wasn't adopted, I was sent to foster homes. Now, as an adult, I have tried on NUMEROUS occasions to reconnect with either former foster siblings for whom "I" thought I had a close connection and even a biological sister... All attempts have failed. Why? I think it's important to realize that although you might have good intentions and simply want to reach out to a family member... You never know what your cousin was told.. what IF he doesn't even know he was adopted? would you break it to him? What IF there are parts to this story you were not made aware. I can tell you that my mother had MANY secrets/lies around her children and since wanting to reconnect with people from my past, her legacy has made it so very difficult.. I realize you are probably thinking in terms of wanting to connect with your family.. However, this sounds like something you may want to ask your aunt about. Don't forget, it was her choice.. again, you may not have the entire backstory behind the adoption.... Think carefully before you leap..

keep us posted

From a legal standpoint, I don't think you are entitled to any information. If you should succeed in finding the name and location of a hospital, social worker, adoption agency or anyone else involved in the case you will not be able to (or should not be able to) obtain any details. As a lawyer, my legal opinion is that there is no legitimate way for you to obtain confidential or sealed information. Also, your aunt may be notified and will find out.

From a personal standpoint, I agree with the others that you shouldn't do this for the sake of your family, your relationship with your aunt and your adopted biological cousin and his family. My brother and SIL recently adopted a newborn infant. She has been a long-awaited and welcome addition to our family. It is a different situation because it is an open adoption as to the birth mother. However, for a variety of reasons, the birth father wants his identity to remain unknown. Only the birth mom knows his name and identity. I respect this. It is part of the reason the adoption of my niece was possible and went so smoothly. I don't know what my niece will think eventually and want to do about it, but my motto is "don't rock the boat."

Your aunt is going to find out. You need to be prepared for it if you keep searching. Whoever gives you the dates, etc. may not be able to keep it to themselves so eventually it will get back to your aunt.

its not your baby and its selfish to possibly bring up feelings and emotions for your aunt and other closer relatives when its J. to find a cousin
honestly how would you feel if you had to make the hardest decision ever and have to live with it and perhaps you need to never see that child again to feel ok with it (everyone is diferent) and then some distant relative contacts them without your knowledge. its not your place at all i think

You are totally overstepping your boundaries.

You should have your computer privileges suspended and sit in time-out for a good 10 minutes to think about the question "Just because I CAN snoop, is it the right thing to do?"

You don't have any legal right to obtain info from the sources who'd normally have it, but you could hire a private investigator to work on it.

But really, it isn't fair to your aunt to go looking for her child without her consent. If your aunt chose a closed adoption it is a gross violation for you to go snooping around. Can you imagine the wounds it might reopen for her, or for her child? You don't have the right to do that.

Why would you do this? You didn't give the child up your Aunt did. In all honesty, this is not your business. If your Aunt wanted to find her bio son, she would. I think you need to stay out of this.

This could be a Pandora's box that you are thinking about opening. What if the son doesn't know he is adopted? You need to look at this from all sides and not just yours.

Please rethink this, especially without your Aunt knowing about it. This is not something one should do lightly.