Finding My Biological father...too Late

I can understand how upset you must feel right now, but "confronting" her might not be the best approach. Your mother very well could have her reasons for not wanting him to be around you and could have been protecting you more than anything. You may have this image in your mind of who your father was, and this fantasy about meeting and reconciling and having the relationship that you never had. The reality is that your father walked out when you were 2 and never bothered to contact you since. Your mom stuck around and raised you and didn't leave when the going got tough. She may not have been perfect, but she was there, and he was not. That to me speaks volumes as to the nature of his character, as far as I am concerned.

My husband went through a very similar situation himself growing up and I don't know if we will ever know the full story, but I know that his father left him and his mother when he was around 2 years old also, never to be heard from again (and they were married, though they may have married because DH's mom found herself pregnant at 19 - and this was back in the late 60's). Supposedly it was because she got pregnant a second time and there were some doubts as to whose child it actually was. DH's mother went on to get married again and have 3 more kids (so 5 total with 2, maybe 3 different fathers). DH's father never called, or visited, or contact him in any way. DH kept thinking that at some point he would, but when he turned 18 and it still had not happened, he gave up, and decided he was not going to bother trying to find him himself anymore.

12 years ago, DH happened to get contacted by a woman who happened to be a half-sister by way of his father. They kept in touch for a little while but DH still was not interested in meeting his father. Then just last year this same half-sister ended up finding me on Facebook. She had been trying to track down DH (we had moved a number of times, most recently out of state, so that probably did not help) but while DH is not on Facebook, I am. We wrote back and forth some and she brought be up to speed as much as she knew. DH's father is alive. He is an alcoholic, and has fathered probably about 10 children with 5 different women, including a daughter before DH that he never wanted anything to do with, then DH, then 8 more after that with 3 other women. Only 1 of those women did he marry, and interestingly they've been married now almost 30 years (and she is not the mother of the half-sister who contacted me). Half-sister says almost all of them live in the same town but have very little contact with each other - she had not spoken or seen her father in almost a year, even though they live less than 20 minutes apart. She says he does not bother to contact any of them at any time. She did grow up with him some and has more of a relationship with him than DH ever did, but he's not really what one would call a great father since he can't be bothered to initiate any contact with any of them. He will talk to them if one of them calls him or comes over, but otherwise they would never see him or hear from him. He's just too caught up in drinking and can't seem to engage with those around him - emotionally he is completely cut off. Half-sister says that DH really did not miss out on much.

Sorry for the long rambling story, but point being is that your father may not have been this wonderful loving man that you might be imagining him to be. If he was really that great of a dad, he would have stayed more involved in your life. If you talk to your mom, I would approach from the standpoint that I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and consider that she might have been trying to protect you from someone that she thinks could have hurt you and would have caused you permanent harm. Ask her about him, and what he was like and what their marriage was like. For all you know, he could have had alcohol or drug problems, been a pedophile, or have been abusive in some way. Even if he wasn't, she still may have had her reasons, however unfounded, and may have just been doing what she thought was best at the time. No parent is perfect and nobody makes perfect decisions, but she still might have been doing the best that she knew how.

Are you sure she knew? This is such a hard situation. My bio dad left when I was very young as well. They were also married and I had an older sibling. He was never told he could not see us, but he didnt. At 5 my step-dad legally adopted us, with our dads consent :(
My step-dad turned into an abusive drunk.
My bio dad came and went a few times through the years but always disappeared again. By adult hood, I was done with his garbage. My older sister continued to see him "when he was available" I was over it.
He passed unexpectedly in 04. I went to his funeral "for closure" I'm not sure I got it exactly. My own grandmother of course had no idea who I was. Cousins aunts uncles etc. I looked at a memory board of him where he was fishing, camping, etc with his neices and nephews. It was sad that of course I was in NONE of these photos. Part of me was sad for him that he missed out, but then I was angry because it was no ones faults but his own! And the same for my grandma and other family.
If this man truly left you and your mom when you were small, and never made any effort to contact you then shame on him! It's his loss. I understand wanting to "know" your father, but I found out that sometimes the not knowing is better. It's just hurtful. To see them make an effort with other people in their lives but not their own children is just painful. Give your mom a break, she was there for you. Where was he? Maybe she was just trying to spare you. I'm sorry that you loss something you never got to know. But you may be better off that way.

I know MY first reaction when I'm disappointed/ hurt/ upset is to try and blame someone else. I've learned over time to check that reaction, but it's still my first thought. LOVE the quote : "Can't control the first thought, can control the second."

It's not your mum's fault you weren't "ready" to meet your father until after his death. As an adult you could have looked him up at any time. That isn't and wasn't her responsibility. It's also not your fault that you weren't ready at age 18. And it's not his fault for dying.

Your anger and disappointment is completely understandable... but directing it at your mum isn't.

One thing to think about is how YOU would want to be treated if your husband left you and your children in the same way your father left you and your mum (and her claim has weight in that he DIDN'T get in touch with you). Would you want your children, who you rocked, kissed, sent on time out, wiped their tears, raised for their whole lives to be mad at YOU for what HE did/ didn't do? She may not have been the best mum, but she also didn't leave you with your dad and walk out for the rest of your lives. It's the person who walks' choice to do that. Anyone who leaves can durn well take the children with them, or go through hell and high water to be with them.

Again, hugs. I've missed many opportunities in my own life that I regret as well.

I'm sorry you are feeling so disappointed right now.
But I must say I think it's unfair to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of your mom.
Parents are people. Not mythological beings with all of the answers. I'm sure your mom did what she felt was right and her motivations most likely had your best interest at heart.
You are an adult and have had the opportunity to look for several years but yourself say that "Since things have been crazy with 2 babies under 2 here lately it kinda got put on the back burner until I saw a documentary..." So you see, you had missed opportunity yourself.
and don't forget your dad had time and opportunity to find you as well. So it's not only your mom's failure to tell you about the death and funeral...
IME, things work the way they do for a reason. We can't always understand the reason at the time. Who knows? You might not have been able to handle the reality brought forth from your dad. The relationship could have lead to marital problems, psychological issues, etc that would have severely, negatively impacted the rest of your life, your kids lives, etc.....so we just need to trust that things work out to perfect end in the perfect time.
If you feel you want to know more about your father, just talk to your mom. Ask her to honestly share information, photos, facts & etc. with you.
Sometimes when someone dies, we mourn what could have been more than we mourn the actual person. And that's OK too.
I'm sorry about your father's passing. God bless.

First of all let me tell you how sorry I am for the lost opportunity to meet your Father. I know this is something that will weigh on your heart.
But please, don't compound the problem by putting distance between yourself and your Mother. Put yourself in her position...WHY would she tell you that your Father had passed away, and why would you think she even KNEW about this? Unless they still had mutual friends ( unlikely after all of these years and even if they did, would the friends have felt it was necessary to tell her of his passing?), or there were other family members in intimate contact with him...it is very possible that she didn't know.
I am sure this has been a difficult subject for the two of your to discuss for years...and so I can understand why she would not have felt comfortable bringing the subject up to you. I do not really think there is a way "to confront her without causing conflict".
I think the positive way to handle this situation would be to reach out to your relatives on your Fathers side of the family...get to know them...and through them...get to know the man that he was. You need to get to know who he was from people who knew him...and not "romanticize" him in your own mind and build him up into some sort of superman that could have come into your life and made all things perfect for you..."if only your Mother had not prevented it".
Think about it like this...what good would be accomplished by "confronting" your Mother about this situation? It really wouldnt change a thing as far as your relationship with your Father...the only thing it would do would be to damage the relationship with the parent that you have left in this world. Let go of your anger and hurt...and move on from today...making a loving and secure world for your children to live and grow in.

He left, he never contacted you while so close in town, he died without finishing his business. Your mom was there for you, your mom is still there for you aws she didn't want to cause you stress, Your mom had to deal with being left alone with a child, your mom has to work through you needing to seek him out as though she hasn't been enough. I'd cut your mom a break and love her & be thankful she is in your life. I would also go and poor your heart out to his grave and try and get some kind of closure as you don't seem to be in a healthy state right now and your kids need you to be. I know I sound blunt, but ultimately what is your goal by blaming her? I can guarantee you that his family in their grief would not have been in a state to open their arms to you. I think your blaming the wrong person. I hope you find peace soon.

I am so sorry that you did not get to meet your father now that you are ready.

I suggest you take some time and think about what it is you really want to know.

I can understand you want o know the truth from your mother, but instead of going to her in anger, go to her with regret and have her explain everything to you. Tell her you want the whole truth. You could also contact his family and also find out about your father from them.

Be prepared for good news, but also be prepared to hear, the not so good.
Could be you should go and see a therapist to work through some of these feelings.

Right now, my stepfather is going through this, but the opposite. His son disappeared about 7 years ago. This is a child that he was extremely close with. My stepfathers, mother, cared for this boy since he was an infant. They were even next door neighbors with him and the boys mother. But the boy just quit responding to his father and grandmother..

The Grandmother and father never quit trying to reach him. 5 years ago the grandmother died and the father knew this boy would want to know.
Just a couple of weeks ago, my step father, who still was sending birthday, Christmas and all holiday cards, received a call from his son! He said he had just gotten the card and wanted to thank his dad! My SF was so thrilled, but also shocked to find out his son has NEVER received the other cards or messages that his father had been trying to reach him.

Instead of him being angry, he is going to just let the ex wife off with a pass and try to not make her look bad, but instead just try to make sure this does not happen again. He has told his son, he never wants to go a week again, without hearing from him, no matter where he is.

I am sending you a healing heart. As parents, we try to do our best for our children. Many of us make mistakes. Your mother may have very good reasons for wanting to protect you. If it was for another reason, you are now old enough to hear her story. She loves you and may not have had the strength to deal with what was going on.

I wouldn't confront your mom at all - and I wouldn't blame your mom. You are grieving right now and probably feel like lashing out but this is not your mom's fault by any means. Your dad was an adult - he could have stepped up to the plate at any time and he chose not to do that. Maybe he grew too embarassed about it over the years to take any action and he probably did not expect to die so young either - maybe he thought he still has time to set things right, we will never know. And neither you nor your mom could have forseen his early death either. I am very sorry for your loss - it is a tragedy, but it's no one's fault. Your mom was the one there for you and thank goodness for that, you had a loving parent in your life. I am so sorry you did not get to know your dad, my dear, but please do not blame your mom for it.

I am so sorry, I think about this with my dad a lot too, like will the last time I see him be at his funeral, will I even know he died? I wonder sometimes if he has passed without my knowledge. I think you are going through the stages of grief and you are at anger. It's ok, it's normal. I think deep down you know this isn't your mama's fault, but you are hurting. Just talk to her and tell her how you feel. She can take it. Try not to use accusatory words. Just tell her, Mom I just found out my dad died and I am so upset I didn't get to see him and I feel upset thinking that no-one in the family thought to tell me so I could go to the funeral. Then hear her out, you may be surprised at what she says. And of course, as you know, he had your whole life to reach out. It doesn't seem like anyone was forcing him to stay away. He was the adult and could have found a way to know you and that just hurts. I am really sorry. Hang in there and do a little research on the five stages of grief, it may help you see that you are going through the normal cycle of handling loss. Hang in there!

My heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine growing up without a strong loving father. The emotions you are having now are normal, healthy feelings to a very sad situation. The fact that you have them and can express them tells me that you are a strong, healthy woman. I had/have the best, a wonderful man who is now elderly and succumbing to dementia, so I am losing him bit by bit. Even though I have all I have, I still sometimes feel like there were many lost moments that I wish I would have taken advantage of.
Could you possibly find a professional to talk to who could help you heal from this loss? I think it would do you a world of good.
I don't know anything of your mother's life, so I can only go on my experience. Doing so, I can tell you that we ache for our children who did not have a good father in their lives. Thing is, there's not anything we CAN do about it while they are children, and nothing we SHOULD do about it once the child/children are adults. All we can do is be the best mother we are capable of being. Unfortunately, this does not fill up the space that needs to be filled by a father. I am wondering if, in your grief and loss right now, you are looking at your mother as you may have as a young child and want her to "fix" your negative feelings. She can't and shouldn't. She can be there to love and support you, but your grief is yours to work through.
That being said, there are so many others in our lives that love and need, and can support us, (children, husbands, mothers and mothers-in-law, grandparents, sisters and brothers, aunts, uncles, neices, nephews, cousins, good friends) that we learn to accept what we do not or did not have.
Many others who have answered you have given you great advice and some have suggested actions you can take to work through this problem. We are all pulling for you. Take care.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I would be angry and upset too. You definitely have a right to those feelings. With that being said, as an outsider looking in here is what I wonder - what good is it going to do to be angry with your mother? It's already done and cannot be undone. You ask how to confront her without causing conflict. I don't know if that's possible. I would talk to her about it if you think it'll make you feel better - maybe to just get it off your chest. But don't expect a good answer as to why she didn't tell you. I would personally mention it to my mother as a statement not a question. "Mom, I just want you to know that it really hurt me to find out that my father passed away and I never had the chance to reconnect. I would have liked you to give me that information when it was happending." Let her have her say, but don't bother getting into an argument. What good will it do?

You are making a huge assumption. You are assuming your mother and family knew. They may not have known. If I were you I would deal with my own emotions about this and see if your father's family would like to get to know you and your family. Through them you could get to know the kind of man he was but it may be possible they don't want anything to do with you because of too much water under the bridge and their own hurt feelings.

Your mother had and has her own feelings and I would guess difficulties to deal with on the inside of herself. She may not be equipped to give you what you need which are viable answers which is why I strongly suggest you just deal with your own emotions and feelings and find out how to get some closure for this. It was what it was, it is what it is and how are your going to get on with your life? Don't let fear stop you from finding all you can about this man that was your father even after his death, I'm certain someone knew him and would be willing to tell you about him. Be brave and be encouraged.

Is it at all possible to reach out to his side of the family? Maybe getting to know them and possibly know him through them will help provide some closure and possibly create some new family bonds. Also, your mother may have honestly not known that he passed away. Even if she did, you have no idea of the feelings on her side - it sounds like there is a lot of history you don't know or understand.

Your story is heart-wrenching-but don't hold it against your mother. It's done-she can't change it. Just know that your dad is watching over you and your little children and loving you all.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to hear the news. I think before confronting your mother and family it may be better to go to a grief counselor or therapist to help you go through the grieving process. It may also help you understand where your feelings of anger are coming from. I would think anger is an easier emotion to deal with rather than the helplessness of not being able to do anything about the situation and the regret of not doing something sooner.

Also, you may not know what the situation was when your parents split up. She may have been trying to protect you. My grandmother divorced her first husband when my mom was little because he was unfaithful, gambled and was undependable. This man actually tried to come back into my mom's life a few years later and almost immediately started with no-shows and then asking for my grandmother for money (instead of paying the child support he owed her) Well to protect my mom from his hurtful behavior she cut him out of their life again. My mom did contact him as an adult (not with my grandmother's blessing) so she did get to know him. Unfortunately he still wasn't the "daddy" that she had imagined he could be. My mom had the chance at closure getting to meet him, which I'm so sorry you missed. But maybe a talk with your mom about why they broke up may help with some acceptance of everything.

My deepest sympathies,
R.