Does Your Spouse Do This Too?

I see you have lots of wonderful answers. So I will just put my nosey question out there...what is his mystery sport and why wouldn't you tell us? We are here to help you. So unless it's something not good -like gambling-although I never thought of it as a sport...no matter what he is now a father and a husband and while sports are lovely he should definitely rearrange his life and sport to make family a priority. And no we are not in this situation although I was with my ex husband. Sadly he became my ex partly for that reason. But it wasn't a sport. He was an artist and among other things he spent all of his time insisting that his work came first. Among other things...he actually worked as an artist and the outside art activity was more a hobby. However, I didn't mention he also had some other mental health issues which I won't address here. I think I could have lived with those. But having a family and competition in either a sport or arts or whatever else that robs family of their time should definitely be talked about. Preferably with a therapist.

This is the same man you were married to a week ago when you posted about his short fuse and abusive behavior towards you and your children? What have you done to address those issues? It seems to me that this is a pretty small problem in comparison.

what is this "sport" that he's so passionate about? If the kids couldn't see it? I would hazard to guess it's MMA/Fight Club

Your husband sounds like he's got the mental age of a 5 year old - all about him - and really isn't ready for marriage and kids. it just happened because he "grew up" and did what was expected of him. I know this sounds harsh. But really? He sounds like a narcissist who needs to be "busy" and the center of attention. And when he is with his "family"?? he's not.

I'd love to hear his side of the story and who he views the marriage and things. Not that I don't believe you - but it's always good to get both sides of the story. And here we really don't get that chance.

I believe you said he wasn't up for counseling, correct? Now the push is - what do you want to do? You can stay married and live separate lives. You can tell him to pursue his hobby and you and the kids will take care of yourselves. When he feels deigned to spend time with his family, he can join you. Otherwise? He's on his own. Not much of a marriage and family life. But not sure what works for your family.

to answer your question - no. My husband doesn't do this. He loves to sleep but woke up yesterday at 530 so we could support our son at his JROTC Best of the Best event.

I wish you luck and peace.

“Not sure why you are asking this when we just made plans”
Wait for him to answer. Stand your ground on original plans.

When he explains plan B, “You know we had family plans. I’ll let you decide which is more important”. End conversation, do not engage in a conversation with him. Follow through with the plans with your kids.

Your husband manipulates you to follow ‘his script’ so that he gets what he wants and your needs get brushed aside.

Please get yourself some professional support (do not bring him). You are gonna need it if you want this situation to change.

Without knowing a little more I'd just tell him "Well, that's not going to work dear. We're going skiing. I've already planned per our conversation 2 days ago."
Sometimes we have to play the hand we're dealt. If it's going to fall to you to be the designated planner, then plan away!
And from now on don't pencil it in.
Write it in ink! ;^)
A little give and take is in order and clear communication.
By the way, what is this consuming hobby? (Please don't tell me it's bowling.Lol)

What are you going to do when the kids have activities that they are busy with?
Will dad be off doing his thing and never showing up to their sports events, plays, concerts, science show presentations?
If he suggests time to do things together then call him on it.
No matter what he says after the fact about him doing anything else you say "Nope - you already made plans with me".
Repeat ad nauseum.
Either he will begin to believe you or he will stop making plans with you in the first place.

Supporting his interests and hobbies has been a priority for you? Why?
You don't get in his way? Why?
Actually - make plans for him before he says whether he's busy or not.
He's married - that should take precedence over what ever games he's playing.
Stop being so passive in your marriage.

Your kids are learning what passes for normal by watching how their parents conduct their lives.
I think maybe you need to talk to a counselor and determine how happy you really are and if you want to stay in this relationship.
You're practically a single parent already - so maybe you should make it official.
Hubby doesn't act like an adult family member and it's not your job to raise him.

Additional
I went back and read your earlier post.
You are in that space where you sense you are in an abusive relationship but have not yet come to the hair-that-breaks-the-camels-back moment.
If you have been abused for awhile your judgement and sense of self worth are skewed.
He's gas lighting you and you question your own judgement.
Please see a counselor on your own to help you clear your head and develop a backbone.
You need to kick him to the curb.

It's not easy - and some women will languish for years making excuse after excuse as to why they are wrong, why he's not so bad, why you should be 'together forever'.
It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.
It's difficult for people to hear over and over about how you are on the fence, you don't quite want to listen to them - and it's just clear to everyone but you that you need to get a divorce already.
That is why a counselor is so needed.
Life is short, you deserve some happiness - and you are not going to get it while staying with him.

I wrote a really detailed response to your last question, and as I was finishing, it disappeared. I had to leave the house and didn't have time to reconstruct it.

Bottom line was stay in counseling, whether or not he attends with you.

You have some serious problems in your relationship, and just looking at the huge disconnect between the tone of your last two questions suggests that you go back and forth a great deal between despising his ranting and emotional explosions, cringing at the thought of physically being near him vs. wanting to make nice and pretending to be the happy family/couple.

What you described in your last post sounds like a miserable way for you and the kids to live, and he seems to have no interest in taking any responsibility for his role in the relationship or wanting to do the real work it would take to begin to make some improvements.

I think you've answered your own question, above. So, now, what do you want to do about it?

Certainly not telling you to leave, but it seems pretty clear that you are the only one who's willing to put in the time in therapy, so you should do that to get some clarity on what you will/will not accept and what it is that you really want for your life and the kids' lives going forward.

Truly wishing a good outcome for you.

How annoying and selfish of him. I'd have a serious talk with him about how he has a pattern of doing this and how he leaves the family planning to you while he only worries about himself and plans his own things...and often conveniently forgets the family plans you spoke about. This is unfair and he is not being a part of the team with you and the kids. My husband and I share google calendars. That way we can check from wherever we are (work, phone apps, home) to see what is going on the following weekend if we can't remember. Maybe your husband needs something like this. You can even set it up so it gives him a reminder about an event coming up.

Honestly, if he had said that to me, I would have ended up blurting what you said out to him. Angrily, probably... and then I would tell him that you don’t want to hear about his plan B’s. He has a family and it’s a more important entity than his hobby.

You ask if he’s super selfish and inconsiderate. Yes, but you enabled this by making it a priority of yours, to a fault, as you put it. You have let him get away with believing that his semi-professional competitions are more important than his family.

Stand up for your family and don’t let him make you plan B.

He might also just be bad at time management and forgetting what days you all planned things, I am this way and often forget when we had plans, luckily my husband just reminds me and I am then fully on board. If this has been the norm for years it is also possible that he has no idea you are feeling this way and he thinks everything is fine and normal, so the first thing I would recommend is talking to him about it and how you feel, there is a reason they say communication is the most important thing in any relationship.

I don't care if my husband plans stuff (and he rarely does), but I do care about follow through. If he says he will be there, then barring something truly more important (to the family, not just to him), then he better be there. However, I would never micromanage his schedule, nor would I make sure he conformed to mine. As far as missing out on family time because he isn't showing for family events, that's on him, not you. I'm not the person who needs to be responsible for my husband's relationship and quality time with his children and neither should you be. If hubby doesn't show up for the family ski day, let HIM explain to the kids why he isn't there.

Run your own show. Manage your own relationships with the family and children. Continue to include your husband, but don't micromanage, and if he continues to blow you guys off, well that's on him. If you don't feel he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, that's a different issue, but you shouldn't have to put a leash around his neck just to make him a "present husband/father."

Good luck.

Do you have a shared calendar? In our family, life is busy. Plus sometimes we are forgetful or easily distracted. To prevent double-booking, we have a shared calendar. Everything goes on the calendar. A family day for skiing - on the calendar. Work schedules - on the calendar. Kids concerts and sports events - on the calendar. Planned activity with friends (for me or for him) - on the calendar. DH's golf plans - on the calendar. Dentist appointments - on the calendar. Every single things goes on the calendar as soon as it comes up. Then, if one of us sees something that sounds fun, we can simply look at the shared calendar and see if that time is free. If something is already on there, then we say no. If the time on the calendar is open, we make plans.

Our shared calendar is electronic (we both use Outlook and invite each other to everything) so it's on our computers plus on our smart phone calendars so that we always have it. A big written wall calendar hanging in your kitchen would work too. Choose a method of communication that is best for your family.

It really is about communication. We have had our mix-ups - someone forgets to put something on the calendar and the other one double-books for that timeslot. But we put the mea-culpa for that on the person who didn't use the calendar. If something isn't on the calendar, it doesn't exist in our house.

In a way, yes. I’m not sure he always has another plan but he definitely has his hobbies so is perfectly happy if he can pursue one on the weekends. Not sure that’s unusual. My father was the same way. I think as mothers we’re less selfish or self focused so we automatically assume we will be with our kids. And I definitely do 99% of the planning. I forget what it was recently that my husband didn’t know we were doing even though of course I had told him a few times. Maybe it was also skiing. It doesn’t bother me much anymore though. I know he wants to do certain things with us too. I think from your other question your husband has some more serious issues. This one in isolation I wouldn’t get too upset about but overall he seems tough to be married to. So I’d worry more about his anger issues.

Yes, I see the pattern here. He takes care of himself and you take care of the whole family. Is he present and fun to be with on the family outings you arrange? Is it worth it to try to have him with you? If so keep planning outings and remind him about them.