Do You Fight?

yes. Its fake not to "fight" Its real and human and nobody is perfect. I get my grievances out before they stew and one day explode inappropriately.

I never fight him about his parenting in front of the kids though, thats a private thing.

O don't like to but it happens. Im the emotional loud mouth my husband is the pouter. It takes me a while to get over things even if its something small (im working on that!) But we try and resolve sooner than later. I can't stand that hanging over my head!

LOVE this question.

So I have to ask, J. (or anyone else who feels they never or rarely "fight"). What is your "secret". I mean, is Troy SUPER laid back? Does he do whatever you ask and never disrespect you or make you so angry you want to yell (and then do)? I am being completely serious. Please - teach us!!

Let me give you an example - DH comes home, is crabby and tired from work, as are you. Baby is crying, dinner needs to be made, house is a mess, and DH goes straight for the couch instead of helping you. How do you handle that so it doesn't turn into a fight? Does he simply do what you ask when you ask? Or better yet, just do it without being asked? If so - YOU ARE LUCKY!!

*ETA: Yep, just as I thought. You are one of those lucky woman whose man helps upon first request. Go kiss that man of yours, J.!

No. We do disagree plenty. We just aren't fighting type of people. We are work it out type of people. That doesn't mean we don't get mad, frustrated, and disappointed.
My house growing up was screaming and fighting. I always told myself I would never settle for a fighter. I could NOT marry someone who wanted to fight about a disagreement. Thank goodness, I found someone who hates fighting as much as I do. Now, we don't avoid confrontation or dealing with a situation, but our confrontation is calm.

P.S.
When I talk about fighting...I'm talking about being more unwilling to listen to the other person, and defending your side without listening to his. I DO think there is a HUGE difference between a fight and disagreement. I think fighting is wanting to win. A disagreement is not agreeing, but willing to listen...and not needing to be right.

We argue, but I wouldn't call it a fight... It's usually more of a debate because we always argue about topics that don't apply to us (I support gay marriage, he doesn't. I support peace, he supports war. I think vegetarians are amazing for going so far for what they believe in, he thinks that they're just stupid.).

Rarely do we argue about something that actually applies to our lives.

I too grew up in a house where my parents seemed to be always bickering. And when they weren't bickering, they were fighting. Nothing physical, but really ugly words and a lot of yelling. Name calling, threatening divorce...just a bunch of drama. My husbands home was, by contrast, very peaceful. I don't think he's ever seen his parents fight.
I'm not into drama. And I'm not into dirty fighting. If we're going to disagree over something, we talk about it like adults without saying a bunch of mean stuff that can't be taken back. We have fun passionate debates about certain things like current events or politics but we see eye to eye on the Big Topics (money, kids, sex, etc.) so there's really nothing to fight about.

We very rarely fight too. I love this fact about our relationship. Hubby knows what needs to be done. I too get very animated. I think we don't fight because when we get to that point we walk away for a little bit to regroup to discuss things.

By definition of the question? No, we don't fight. We disagree or have spats but nothing that isn't resolved 10 minutes later. We are best friends first and I think that makes a difference. We are generally like-minded and agree on most things. We do have lively discussions (he's Vietnamese and VERY loud and animated most of the time) but they are in the name of debate mainly.

He is also an equal partner on the home front. I am very blessed to have a husband who wants to be an active member of the household. I do make sure that once our daughter is in bed he relaxes. He tries to be "super dad" in his words and he is. I think that also makes a difference in my willingness to compromise on certain things. I know how hard he works and he still gives 100% to our marriage and family.

I Ditto Denise P.

Fights are disagreements gone the wrong way. Not being civil. Voices terse and high pitched or raised.
Yep, me and my Hubby have done that.
"Growing Pains" I call it, even if we've been married 13 almost 14 years.

We are both, quite the individuals with strong opinions. And we have cultural variances too, in outlook.
But well, the bottom line is... we STILL, try and work things out. For the partnership/relationship.
We know and listen to the other's point of view, even if it is hard sometimes.

Yes, we do every now and then...makes making up great. We never go to bed angry and its never knock out kind of thing; just small disagreements. Not often but in the midst of our ocassional fights we end up laughing. It happens, no matter what you call it (disagreements, strong discussions, passionate talks) its a normal part of life.

We've Fought 3 times :-( ALL 3 times Alcohol was involved.............

Great question!

We don't 'fight' either. We too may have disagreements, but don't let it escalate. I think for us, it's like raising kids, choosing our battles. What is really worth fighting over?
But Scarlett, you are right, DH has always pitched in, ALWAYS!

Of course my husband has joked for years, that we may have started a fight but once I give him "the look" he' knows he's lost. And he'd rather be happy than right! Whatever, it's worked! ;)

All kidding aside, it really is communication and picking your battles. And even now, 25 years later, if one of us is snippy we just tell the other one we'll talk to them later.

My husband and I dont fight. I can only think of a few times where it was a fight. But we got over those too.

We just figure there is no point in being mad at each other, and we are on the same page on just about everything.

It just works.

Oh yes, we do, it sucks but usually gets things resolved in the end. We fight less then when we were first married though. We are better at fighting now, you know practice makes perfect ;) I find we cycle in fighting, like we will have the exact same fight over and over, it will start with something new but end at the same old place. This has happened a few times and when we are finally ready to really delve in and get to the heart of what is going on, we never fight over that thing again. I am a very passionate person, I once was so mad I hit a chair into some cabinets (no-one was around) but that act of violence made me realize I needed to work on my communication skills!! I don't do that anymore, I talk before I blow, I used to keep it all in and then explode which is not a good coping system. My hubby is very feisty as well, which I love and his whole family are yellers so fighting was normal for him. What we don't do is fight in front of the kids or belittle each other or call each other names. To me those are marks of deep issues. Our fights are about more regular things and honestly we haven't had one in a while (knocking on wood here!) I don't think fighting has to be negative if two people love each other and are willing to look at how they are each contributing to the problem.

We do not fight. We argue. Usually about stupid things like whether or not he used his turn signal or who should take the dog out when it is -12 degrees or historical facts...google is so helpful. To me fighting is either physical or emotionally tearing one down. Arguing is a difference of opinion voiced verbally and somewhat aggressively/adamantly.

I was married to a man who loved to scream, yell, manipulate, and lie. I could not be married to him very long. I think that when you love a person you are more likely to express your feelings in a less volatile manner. I do not think I could stay in a relationship where open communication is not common.

Yes, we fight.

In my mind, conflict can be an opportunity for understanding (of self and other) and is a way to explore and become aware of my habits, so as that I can create better solutions and patterns (for myself). In reality, I am not as effective a communicator as I would like. I tend to hear and listen through my own lens; I listen with an agenda to hear what *I* want, or to encourage my husband to come to *my* conclusion. My husband tends to become frustrated, and externalizes/blames me for his frustration. We have a lot to work on, but I am mindbogglingly grateful and excited to have been able to recognize some of my patterns, so that I may create new ones. My husband, for the first time in our relationship, is becoming aware of problems HE wants to work on. It's...so relieving.

My biggest lessons, right now are:
- That I am not all seeing, all knowing; I do not know what is another's heart unless they give me the gift of explaining (which I shouldn't force).
- That I am powerless over another's path/desire for change/self awareness
- That I don't have to take out (punish) another person for my feelings.
- That I, and I alone, am responsible for my own happiness/contentment/peace

I am working on implementing the communication model:

When I talk: State the - Situation, - what it feels like for me(NOT I feel LIKE (because that's really a thought)), - and what I want/need

Setting non-agenda boundaries that are clear: For example, "When you speak to me in this way, I feel threatened and hurt. I want you to 1. lower your voice, 2. not use curse words. Are you willing/capable of doing this? If no, I don't want to continue this conversation."

When I listen:
I am attempting to REALLY listen. I don't need to decide what another person is feeling, or why, but I need to listen to what they are actually telling me with the intention of *understanding* them better.

We are also working on taking space or time outs when our conversations have degraded into a fight, so that we may come back to the table without resentment or externalized anger/explosiveness.

It's very challenging for me, but I'm getting a lot out of it.

Yep! Rarely..it takes A LOT for me to get a good rage on but once you trip that wire in me, look out! We do a lot of our fighting/disagreeing via e-mail because we don't want the kids to hear us. There have been nights when they've been out of the house when I've just let loose. I'm a yeller, I have a very colorful vocabulary and a memory that goes back for ages and can immediately access every applicable violation that proves my point. And I'm a thrower. I've never broken anything but I've been known to grab whatever is handy (box of cereal, remote control, sneaker) and wing it at his head. He'll yell back and we'll call each other names, say f-you, etc. but never anything physical. He can be incredibly passive, which enrages me even more.

Why do we fight? Because I have a temper and because we have MAJOR problems, mostly precipitated by him. So I have a lot of valid, objective reasons to be angry with him and that anger is always just under the surface because the issues aren't resolved.

Outside of marriage, I am a peacemaker but within this, there is just so much that can make me see red.

NOPE!!! We have arguments but no fighting. Because we talk about our feelings all the time. Just like we talk to our kids all the time (about anything). We just talk. When my son was 5, we got into a harry one, just yelling, LOUD, and our son asked us if we were going to get a divorce. Thats when we decided to not yell anymore. After 17yrs we know what triggers each others issues, so we try not to let that happen.

In 6.5yrs we have had 3 fights... for the most part we are good communicators, to the point that we can even tell eachother when we are having a bad communication day! We discuss, debate and compromise. I only wish more people could.