Do You Always Offer to Bring Something?

It doesn't make you better. That's just what's important to you. Because you're passive-aggressive, you're annoyed with her for putting the onus on you to ask for what you want.

Just call her and say you are excited to all get together. Before you get off the phone say, hey, can you bring a side dish or some bread? If you are busy, just pick something up that is pre-made. Thanks, I really appreciate it.

In a situation like this I always say, "What can I bring?" Not even "Can I bring something?" I WANT to contribute SOMETHING!

If I were to invite a couple over for dinner I would not expect them to bring something (although most of my friends would), but when it is a group thing I expect to chip in.

I have one friend that, like you, when we have out-of-town friends come in always hosts. Her house is the best set up for it with kids, space, etc. We usually order in and all chip in some money. I usually take some kind of simple kid-friendly treat and she had juice boxes and such. Nothing fancy, the idea is to relax and enjoy :)

J.:

How did you word the invite? Was it worded that people would assume you are taking care of it all?

I typically ask if I can bring anything to a party - but that's ME. Others don't. Some people just show up with something - beer, wine, flowers for the host, etc.

Instead of being passive aggressive, just tell her what you need from her. It really does help EVER YONE when you state your needs and/or expectations. No one can read your mind. You are setting yourself up here. You refuse to do something on principal. Maybe she is caught up in her own life and isn't thinking. YOU know her.

As to it being annoying if she hasn't asked? No. When I host something, I expect myself to provide for the party guests. If they want to bring something, fine. If not? OKAY because I've got it all under control.

I ALWAYS offer to bring something, but I would never think poorly of a friend who didn't offer. After all, I invited her. An invite does not place responsibility on the guest to do anything but show up on time.

It's so kind of you to have this dinner for everyone's benefit out of the kindness of your heart, and I'm sure everyone will appreciate the hard work you've put into it. But don't start keeping score of who doesn't offer to bring something, as if you always doing so somehow makes you superior...THAT sort of negates the whole kindness-of-your-heart part.

If you need someone to bring something, ask them to do so. If it's a potluck, say that's what it is. Otherwise, enjoy your party....without the grudge-holding.

Hi, J.,

I can honestly see both sides. I'm not sure if your friend is oblivious or becoming more busy... In my own personal defense, this is something that never occurs to me. I am really good at a lot of things, but entertaining or going to someone else's get together spark a whole realm of "oh, duhs!" for me. Someone will stop by for a visit, and it will occur to me an hour later AS THEY ARE LEAVING, "Oh, I am so rude, would you like something to drink?"

My family is really great with this and have learned to just ask if they want something. For example, my stepmom sent me a text about a week before their annual 4th of july bar-b-que that said, "We'll plan on eating around 6. Please bring a bag of chips or a 2 liter of pop. Excited to see you then!"

I am not offended by it...I actually really appreciate it. It also gets me thinking then, "Oh, duh, I should bring something else, too!" which then prompts my reply text of, "Sure! I will also bring a dessert."

I'm a big girl and need to accept responsibility for my own shortcomings, but I always joke that this particular shortcoming of mine comes from being the 3rd child in the family. My older two siblings have entertaining down to an exact art. :)

Just ask her to bring something. Or send a text similar to what my stepmom sent me. In the case of your friend being busy, offer suggestions that she could run pick up at the store.

Hi J., I understand what you are saying. We recently moved to a much larger house, but still were the ones to "host" at our other house because it was the "best". Well, now it REALLY is. lol I guess it's not clear if you were like, "hey, we can all meet at my house since it makes the most sense" or if it was more like, "I'll host dinner at my house". The first kind of sounds like you are just offering your HOUSE where as the second makes it sound like you are offering your house AND food. I think some of the responsibility falls on you. She is getting away with not bringing anything simply because you are letting her. You should have said to everyone, you will host it at your house and you and local friend will figure out what you both will be serving. Then you contact local friend and say, so what are we going to do about food? I was thinking _____ and maybe you could bring ________. Or it could be potluck for everyone, even the family from out of town, it isn't hard to hit a bakery on the way over, grab some chips, dip and/or veggie tray and drinks. Just because you have the "best" house to have the party doesn't necessarily mean you have to do EVERYTHING for the party. JMO. I do offer to bring something and sometimes I'm told, no thanks, I've got everything, and other times I am asked to bring something. But I always offer.

Funny story on a side note, we just had a July 4th party at our house, told everyone to "bring something to share". Well, it's hot in AZ and our ice in our drink barrel melted super quick. So my husband texted one of the guys and asked him to stop on his way over to grab a bag of ice. The guy NEVER brings anything so this was sort of a "test"...well, he got a text back saying, "I can't, I don't get paid until tomorrow." lolololol But he didn't have a problem coming over and eating and drinking a ton. Oh well, people are funny, you can't get mad when they continually let you down, but just plan better for next time and just TELL her what you want her to bring. Good luck!!!

I host parties at our home all the time. Sometimes I ask people to bring things and other times I tell them up front that they don't need to. Often they want to and I just let them because it makes them feel more comfortable to contribute to the party. Majority of people will offer due to simply being courteous.

I get the feeling you are very annoyed with this person. I get that. I have been in your shoes but in other situations/occasions. I have learned to NOT expect others to behave the way I would behave or approach a situation. People will continue to let you down, annoy you and downright piss you off if you expect them to act the way you do.

She has other priorities. I know it bugs you that she will pull the "I am soooooooooo busy" bit. It bugs me too. We are all busy..we all have the same 24 hours in a day. We just have different ways we prioritize this 24 hours.

Enjoy the event and pull back from your interactions with this person.

Good luck and best wishes.

Passive aggressive? What are you doing to change this about yourself? This is not considered a positive trait and I am sure you do not want your children to learn this..

I do not like people setting me up to fail. Especially my "friends".. That is not what "friends do". We accept others as they are, or if we cannot handle their personalities, we drop them as friends, or we change our attitudes.

I am more inviting and straight forward with my friends. .

I always am up front and say, I will be making.. whatever.. Could you please bring a dessert, salad, wine, ice. ? Whatever..

Or if I have everything, BUT the guest asks if they can bring something.. I tell them what we are having and say, "I pretty much have everything, but if you have something you would like to add, great, that will be more to enjoy! "

Communication is a great thing, use it, so your friends do not disappoint you in the future.

J. - don't be passive-aggressive -- it's a terrible personality trait.

Just send her a text (or a call, depending on how you usually communicate), asking her to bring some chips or a cake. That way you get what you want, and you don't have to go around being annoyed.

It's completely normal to request for people to bring things -- my friends do it all the time when we have potlucks, and I'm happy that they do so, since I'm not a natural cook.

It sounds like you are more interested (& perhaps hoping?) that your friend doesn't bring something so you can write off the friendship.

Some people bring things of their own volition, others ask what they can bring, & still others don't do either (for various reasons). But truly, if you extend the invitation, you should be prepared to host the event. Unless it was something that you & she were coordinating together, & then you happened to volunteer your house as the venue, but it doesn't sound like that is the case here.

If you value a friendship with this person, I would urge you to be gracious regardless of what (if anything) she brings to your get together, & then find a time to talk with her & let her know how appreciated it would be if she would offer in the future. Without holding a grudge.

Because, really, if you aren't going to be upfront & call her to ask if she could bring something, then you don't have any place as a friend to be irked if she doesn't.

T.

When you host, the assumption is that you 'got it'. Someone offering is a nice gesture, but not a requirement.

I almost always ask if there is anything that is needed, but I know that for me it stems from the fact that when my family is invited, it's 10 people, not 2-4 extra's. That's a HUGE under taking for anyone, even for those who are used to it.

However, I don't think this is standard for everyone and I don't ever hold it against others who don't offer.

You're right - your friend should offer to bring dessert or appetizers - or even chicken strips and mac & cheese for the kids. But it's not worth getting upset over. Maybe she grew up in a dinner party family and she'll bring a bottle of wine. I grew up in a family where everybody asked what kind of dish should they bring, or how about dessert?

Dont' sweat the small stuff - and this is one of those things in life that's small. Save your emotions for the days ahead when you're in your 50s and you're caring for elderly parents and handling nursing hom admissions and funeral arrangments, siblings & best friends are being diagnosed with cancer, your teens are going through a rebellous phase, etc. This situation qualifies as small stuff from someone who just doesn't know how to handle the situation. Who knows, her mom may have gotten insulted if someone offered to bring part of a meal to a dinner party - you just never know where people come from...

Have fun anyway - have a movie ready for the kids so you can hang out around the table and enjoy your company.

I usually offer to bring something. If I don't, it's more likely that I stupidly forgot to ask than that I actually had no intention of ever doing so.

I don't expect people to bring anything when they come to dinner (or any event with food) at my house unless I call it a potluck or specifically ask for help from the begining. However, I definitely appreciate the offer and will usually take them up on it if they do ask to bring something. I think most people offer, but I don't think it's required. I guess the bottom line thinking is that you shouldn't offer to host if you can't provide everything yourself, unless you state from the beginning that it's a potluck. I don't mean this directed at you, but at hosts in general.

One last thing to consider - I have had guests come over in the past who didn't offer to bring anything, but just showed up with something - usually wine or dessert. So, there is always the possibility that she won't arrive empty handed, even if she hasn't discussed it with you in advance.

For the future, the key is to make your expectations clear when you extend the invitation. In a situation like this one, you could have said "hey, I'd be happy to have everyone here since it's in the middle and it's kid friendly. can one of you bring dessert and the other bring a side? thanks!"

Yes, I do offer to bring something and we always do. Drinks, appetizers, salad, whatever. If someone is really insistent on bringing nothing, I like to bring a little small token of appreciation like a special bar of soap, pretty kitchen hand towel, etc. But especially if your get-together involves children ... that is a lot of additional people and I'm surprised that she wouldn't offer. Does she bring her own food for her 2.5 year old? I always did that, too, since kids have their own pickiness about them and you as the parent know what they will eat and won't.

I always offer to bring something. Always. Even if we are invited to a friend's birthday party, family events, weddings...it's ridiculous! "Oh thank you so much for the invite....can I bring anything!?" lol
I would be a bit torked too, but would have handled it very differently than you.
"hey everyone...why don't we meet at my house, it's much more convenient and easier for the kids. Sarah, would you bring some chips and dip? Sue, would you bring some salad fixings? Barb, would you bring some dessert? I will get everything else! can't wait to see you all!"
Passive aggresive is just hurting you mama.
L.

It's frustrating but not worth stressing about. Some people are just not good at this sort of thing. I would do the text thing and ask for help and not spend the time fuming.

That passive aggressive thing, does not work in your favor. You are right for identifying it but wrong for not understanding that it's going to hurt you and your relationships in the future. If you ask for what you need, you can enjoy your own party..and life.

And yes, I have been there. I spent too much time doing everything at church and fuming about people no helping (Martha and Mary syndrome). I ask now and receive help. I can love people better, now.

I do, always, but that's honestly because I'm shy and I sort of try to overcompensate for my dweeby little self. If someone else DIDN'T offer to bring something, I wouldn't think anything of it.

Ummmm yes, since you're BOTH hosting your mutual friend from college I would definitely offer to bring something. That's sounds like a fairly large group! Either that or I would contribute $$$ to the food.

It actually drives me nuts when people invite me over and then expect me to bring stuff. If I wanted to worry about providing my own food, drinks, snacks, dessert, etc then I'd just stay home. So I don't offer to bring stuff. I will do so if I'm asked, but for me , that makes an outing feel like work.

I will almost always offer but sometimes I won't offer but I will bring wine, a dessert of a hostess gift. It's usually when it's one of my husband's buddies and I have no desire to call and chat with his wife :)

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I wouldn't let it bother you. You're just a better person when it comes to stuff like this.

I think it depends on how the dinner at your house was worded. If it was hey lets do a pot luck at my house that says bring a dish. If it was Let me make dinner at the house so we can visit longer that says you were planning on providing dinner.

I did not see anywhere in the post that said you and the other friend were hosting this get together together. the 3rd friend is in town from out of town. you offered to host a dinner at your house. It sounds almost like the friend who lives closer to you might not really care to make an effort to get together. If she has a 2.5 year old that is all over the place the thought of taking him / her to someones house might be intimidating and she might not have even thought about the dinner part of it. If your passive aggressive about it that's just pissy. If you want her to bring something call her and say hey I have the dinner planned could you bring the dessert or appetizer. or don't complain about it. If you don't ask her she doesn't know your needing her to do it. I hate when someone is like that.

to answer your question yes I always offer. But I don't ask people to bring things because I am a control freak and like to make sure the dinner and sides will all be served together and not on someone elses schedule who may or may not make it on time. nothing worse than the person who is providing the appetizers coming an hour late.

I hate people like that, they are cheap. And I hate the "I am so busy" excuse too. I am the person that would call them up and say "hey since we are all getting together, I'm hoping you can bring the......." Don't give her an out like "can you bring something please?" I know you said you wouldn't ask, but if you don't ask you don't get. I always take something wherever I go, and lots of times I take more than I should. It is a way of appreciating the host and her opening her home to everyone.

Yes. I think it is rude not to offer.

I'm not going to go through and read the other responses, but I will add my two cents. I always offer to bring something, but if the host says not to bring anything, I usually don't. For some people, it is considered rude to bring something if the host declined the offer.

I will say that I have a friend who is constantly hosting fun events at her house. She is very good at cooking and entertaining. Her house is beautiful too. I don't think she realizes it, but I think some people are intimidated by her pinterest-type skills. It can be a little daunting to add to the spread that she always puts on. She has only recently been more accepting of letting us help to contribute food when she hosts a gathering. Do you think your friend might think that everything you do is "perfect" so why even bother offering to help? I'm not saying that any of this is in any way your fault. I think it is rude of her to not offer to bring something. But maybe she is too embarrassed to prepare a dish and doesn't even trust herself to pick out the right kind of food at the store?

I hope you had fun tonight. And please update if your friend surprised you and actually brought something with her!

I ALWAYS offer to take something and even if the hostess says she has everything covered, I still take a bottle of wine.

If I am hosting, I don't expect anyone to bring anything because I made the plans, I host the meal and beverages.

I do think it is a thoughtful gesture if someone at least offers to bring something but I don't expect it.

I always offer and bring something when we are guests at another's home.

However, when I host, I never expect others to offer anything. If they do, fine. If they don't, I am not bothered by it since I'm the one who invited them.

But, I think you'll get a lot of different opinions on this.

For your own peace of mind, for the sake of a good visit with your out of town friend, and to avoid wasting any more time with this, turn off the "passive-agressive" mode and just say, "Hey Mary, I've got the X,Y, and Z for the dinner this weekend, would you please pick up the dessert?" Do you really think she'll just tell you no? If she hedges or makes excuses, just say, "well, we're all busy with work and family," and then let it go. Have a back-up dessert in case she doesn't come through.

After the visit, you may have to re-evaluate your relationship with her. If her attitude of being the busiest person on earth is really getting to you, you have to decide how much this relationship means to you, and if you want to continue your friendship, you'll have to talk with her about it or learn to let it go. Maybe she really is clueless as to how she comes across in this regard and hearing this from you might be just what she needs. It would be sad to give up a long-term friendship for something that could have been addressed and fixed.

Good luck and enjoy your visit!

J. F.

I would feel like you. Friends are like family, they are suppose to help each other.

On top of that, it's rude not to offer to bring something. Then, when they say, "it's OK, just come," you then bring wine. This is what I was taught was polite.

Ugh. I am just like you. I NEVER go to someone's house without bringing something. I can't imagine not bringing something. I would be a bit ticked that they didn't offer but like you, would come here to vent. It sucks and you know next time, not to offer. Sorry that happened.

It is completely rude and selfish . Some people are just takers and obviously she is . If you volunteered so you wouldn't all have to go to a restaurant and PAY... really . She is rude .

When I hostess, it's always nice when someone offers to bring something to help out. That said, I don't ever expect it unless the event is an actual potluck event.

I'm the type to always ask if I can bring something unless the hostess or host have explicitly requested that they don't want anyone to offer, or it's an event where it clearly would be rude to offer.

I don't think it should be expected. With the event you held, I wouldn't find it rude or annoying that someone didn't offer. If you NEED someone to help out then I do think that you should feel comfortable asking those who may be helping you plan.

"Hey Sara, I know you're probably busy but on your way to the party could you pick up a fruit tray from the grocery store? I'm finding that I'm really short on time and would appreciate the contribution so much!"

"Hi Tamika! I'm in the middle of putting the party together for Jenny, and realized that I didn't budget enough for the salad and salad fixings. It would help me out so much if you could pick up a couple of bags of Dole Mediterranean greens, some veggies to cut up into it, and maybe some Italian dressing and ranch dressing."

"Danielle! Can you stop at the grocery store before you come by the party? I forgot to pick up a cheesecake and I won't have any desserts at all if you don't. You're a lifesaver!"

She should have offered to do a lot more than just bring 1 item. You weren't technically hosting, it was a convenience thing for everyones sake. Let it go and have fun.

Let us know if she ended up bringing anything.

I don't think I have EVER accepted an invitation like that (friend or family, either one) without asking "What can I bring?" or "Is there anything I can bring?" EVER.

And pretty much anytime I have ever invited friends/family here they ask me the same thing. Sometimes I say "don't" but often it is nice to let them bring something. One less thing for me to "worry" about. And one thing for sure that they will eat--even if it is dessert. Especially, I think, important when you are hosting kids. Not every kid eats everything. And while I expect my kids to try things at other people's houses (not be rude and say something negative, or refuse to even try it), if they don't like it, I don't want them going hungry either, and I feel like, to be a good host to a group of kids, you should offer stuff they like. So it helps if their parent can contribute something they will for sure eat.

Anyway, the only time I have been told no, don't need to bring a thing, was a formal dinner party hosted by some newer friends from CA. The only persons who have ever not asked "what can I bring?" were the friends from CA. Although, later on... after we had known them longer, she would ask if she could bring something.

So, perhaps it is a regional thing? I'm going to look through the answers and see if there appears to be any correlation (although I know not everyone has their correct location listed, so not sure how informative it will be).

I try to always remember to ask and if I do forget before I never arrive empty handed. She may have just forgotten her manners.

My friends or relatives would just say "Can you bring some chips (or a cake) tonight?" and I'd say "Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot to ask what you needed, thanks for hosting, I can't wait to see you!"

You're wasting time telling us, tell her.

Sounds more like you should be splitting the cost with your in-town friend. And she needs to get there early and help you cook. You offered your house to make it easy on everyone, but not necessarily to do the whole thing. I would let her know what you need from the store and tell her what time you are going to start cooking.

It's different when you decide to have friends over yourself. In that case you don't expect them to offer, but if they do you can decide if you need something or not. I'm having three families over for dinner next week and one family offered to bring something. I said they just need to bring themselves. Your situation is different.

If I invite people over, unless I specifically tell them it's a potluck, I don't expect them to bring anything. If they ask about bringing something, I tell them what I plan to serve, and tell them that IF they want to bring something, to feel free but not obligated.
And I don't get my feelings hurt if they don't bring anything.
I always offer to bring something, and if I'm told not to worrry about it, I pick up a bottle of wine or flowers for my host/hostess.

I typically say - let me know if you need me to bring anything or do anything. When I host something I do not expect anyone to bring anything - I am hosting. If you need her to bring something let her know otherwise move on.

When I offer to do a dinner, I never expect anyone to bring anything. However, people do. Before you rake her over the coals, give her a chance. Maybe she will show up with something. You should have delegated when you said you would do it. Hey Suzie, could you bring an appetizer, etc. if you did not, just keep cooking!