My daughter is 3 1/2 and very stubborn. Her listening skills are less than par and I'm at my wits end! We have tried time outs, she just screams the whole time then once we let her out we talk to her, ask her why she was put in time out and ask her to say sorry. She will explain exactly why she was there, then will walk away and do the exact same thing she was doing. Sometimes when I tell her she will go to time out if she doesn't do what she is asked, she will smile or laugh.
I have tried taking toys and things away from her, that doesn't seem to phase her at all. I think she still has the mindset "out of sight, out of mind" she will cry for a minute then she forgets what it was that was taken away. She really isn't into TV (which is a good thing) but even when I told her no TV, she cries for a minute then finds a toy or markers to play with.
Any moms out there have suggestions on how to discipline my daughter that will actually work??
Tonight she wasn't listening, trying to get on the kitchen table and I said"get down or you will go to time out!" She looked at me and said "that's why I don't listen, I just go to time out...I don't care" and I put her in her room...
Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated as I will admit, I don't know what to do anymore! Thanks mamas!!
ETA: She is also acting out at daycare and preschool as well, not listening and when I get reports from the teachers, they note they ask her to do something or to stop doing something and she just smiles like she doesn't care. She has already been kicked out of an in home daycare, so I was hoping a center would be different. :-(
"Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson.
I've got three totally different kids (9, 7 and 5). One easy. One VERY spirited, and one extremely difficult and rageful. Worked like a charm on all three and they were over basic terrible toddler stuff by three. Time out wouldn't have worked on any of mine either. To me time outs are like asking a child to pretend they're getting a consequence.
Time out is suppose to be a diversion on to a more desirable activity.
It's never suppose to be a punishment.
Don't tell her what she can't do - that just puts it on the top of her mind.
Tell her what she can do.
Sometimes when our son as in a mood, a tickle, a tummy flubby and a snuggle would get him right out of it.
I spent a lot of time sitting on the floor and playing with him.
She wants your attention.
Give it to her and steer her into more desirable activities.
Positive parenting puts the two of you on the same side. So much more effective (and pleasant) than punitive parenting. Take a look at Laura Markham's website ahaparenting.com
ETA: Hitting a child (swatting a tooshie is just a euphemism) DOES teach a lesson, loud and clear. It is ok to hit, people who love me hit me and big people can hit little people.
She has learned that the consequences of her actions don't really have any meaning. YOU need to step it up. Have you ever swatted her hiney? A swift non hard swat? One that doesn't really hurt a lot but gets there attention?
Well if she is like this at school/daycare then talk to her pediatrician, an evaluation may be in order.
At this age, you have to take away what she wants the most at that moment. Which is you and your attention.
Taking away TV? She finds something else fun to do. Making her say "sorry"? I know what you're trying to do, but at this age, she's not truly sorry. That's not her fault - it's a developmental stage that involves empathy, and she doesn't have it yet. Kids this age think "sorry" means "do over". Talking to her doesn't help much either, nor do your threats of time out. She's getting all your attention by saying she doesn't care. She screams and screams in her room - and what happens? You go in, right? She's also getting a reaction from everyone's faces when she says "I don't care". So I think people have to react with less emotion and talking, and more action.
So she needs to have very little in her room - not a lot of distractions or fun. Take out her favorite things except for whatever she uses for comfort (a teddy bear, whatever she truly relies on for security). And she needs to not engage with you so much. Choose your battles - pick 3 things that just aren't allowed. Then if she does them, you say "No climbing on the table" and she goes right to time out. No chatter, no explanations, no response at all. She's 3.5 so put her in for 3.5 minutes or so. Then let her out and if she does it again, back she goes. She will get sick of being alone. Do not lecture, do not try to elicit an apology, just let the isolation do the job. (In a way, you're getting your own wish - she's no longer climbing on the table, right? So this is good.)
School and daycare aren't responding in her "currency" - they aren't reaching her with anything that matters to her. So you all need to get on the same page with the same language.
I think from your question, you already know the time outs are not working, so I would stop them altogether. When a parenting method isn't being effective, it's important to stop redoing it, because your child will naturally just become more resistant to it. Which sounds the case here.
I never used time outs as punishment.
If my kids were hollering/tantrum (when very young) I removed myself from their presence. The shock that I wasn't going to stand for it made them stop almost immediately (I'd just be in next room, keeping eye on them). When there's no audience, acting up loses its appeal very quickly.
If they were tired, strung out, overstimulated, cranky/whiny, not listening, mean to siblings ... off they went for a few minutes to themselves. I did it when I babysat as a teenager - and I do it as a parent. Still do, even with my older ones.
Sometimes little people can't express how they are feeling and it starts coming out as bad behavior - I see it a lot in kids who don't get downtime. So mine would head off to their room to read, play quietly, etc. I made it sound like you're being crabby, take a minute, when you're ready to be nice you can rejoin us.
Often, they'd be asleep 2 minutes later on their bed (especially around the age they gave up naps). Or they chill out, and ask nicely "May I please come down now?". All the while you're keeping an eye out for them of course (you're not locking them away). My kids appreciate it. Kids don't like being disagreeable - they welcome a parent stepping in and taking control.
If your daughter is acting out and crying a lot, and downtime, maybe more sleep (?), healthy snacks in case she's hungry .. don't help, then mention it to your doctor. Especially where she has been taken out of one daycare already. There are therapists who work specifically with children who can be very helpful. And help you develop skills to deal with her specific behaviors. Often in a session or two.
When my kids defy me, I have a MOMMY VOICE that gets their attention. I mean business. I really didn't have to punish at that age (now that they are in middle school .. that's a different story). But at that age, I agree - redirection. Reward when good. It shouldn't be this big a battle - it just means your approach isn't working so switch it up.
Hope that helps :) Good luck
She is at the perfect age for 1..2..3.. Magic. You can probably find the book at your library. It's a really good system and is easy to follow. The main thing is consistency. 100% of the time. Kids like this need an iron hand and consistency.
Additionally, you may want to speak with your pediatrician about these issues especially since she's having issues at daycare.
It sounds like she's crying out for attention. If you're not doing so already, can you set aside some one-on-one time with her each evening that she can look forward to? Maybe a board game and 2 books before bed? And this should be consistent as well, and not contingent upon behavior. She needs to know that you love her all of the time, no matter what.
When she does need a consequence for her behavior, it's important that you are calm, cool and collected. No yelling, no emotion. Let her see that the consequence is her problem, not yours. By saying that she doesn't care about having to go to time-out, she's using her words as weapons. Show her that you don't care either. She's going and that's that. Just quietly walk her to her room and leave. If she makes noise during the time period, start the clock over again. This all takes a lot of patience, but you have to do it. It will be so worth it!
Another good tactic I learned from Love and Logic is to give lots of reasonable choices. Kids like your daughter (and mine) need to feel in control. So it's: "Do you want to wear your pink shirt or your red shirt? Your choice. Would you like orange juice or apple juice? Cheerios or Kix? Do you want to brush your teeth before we read books, or after?"
I know from much experience as my oldest is 12, almost 13. She is the most strong-willed person I have ever known, and she challenges me to my very core. She once told me that she would rather die than give in. After years of not knowing what to do with her, and thinking/hoping she'd outgrow some of her behaviors, I realized that she was out of control. I started reading parenting books and took ideas from many. The two that I took the most from are 1..2..3.. Magic and Love and Logic. At the time, she was a little too old for 1..2..3 Magic, but I've used it with my younger boys. Your daughter is the right age, and you should start now.
You can do this! You won't be sorry.
Yes, please pick up the book "easy to love, difficult to discipline." Also check out ahha parenting with dr. Markham.
What "B" said.
She's too young to get some concepts.
A timeout of 3 mins (set the timer on the microwave) is the only semi-
helpful thing at this time of development.
What works better? Re-direction. Get down to her level, take her
attention away from the underisable act she is doing & re-direct her to
a toy, a show, the dog etc.
I found 3 to be the toughest age to discipline (well, so far, my oldest is only 7, ha ha!)
It sounds like you could use the guidance of a good book, to just get your strategy in place. My SIL had a pretty strong-willed 3 year old and she said "1,2,3 magic" worked well for her at that age. I never read it myself so I can only go off her recommendation. I've seen others on here recommend it as well.
Whatever you decide to do, just be consistent. This age is all about testing the boundaries, and for one of my daughters I found that lasted for months and months... the better part of her year at age 3. I started to think she and I were just destined to have a horrible relationship. Consistency really does pay off though.
Also, obviously time out is not 'the thing' for your daughter. I'm not a huge fan of time out either. I found that using the one thing they don't want to lose, is more helpful. I actually only had to carry through with the consequence of losing that thing only once or twice with both my kids (which was painful, believe me). And then the threat of it happening again was enough to keep them in line when I needed it too.
I think you also need confidence in your strategy, which is why reading a book helps.. Then you have a plan to follow and some confidence behind it. From that point, just stay the course.
Good luck, this stage doesn't last forever.
when it came to willful disobedience, defiance, or dangerous behaviors (anything that could end in serious injuries or death, like standing on tables, running into the street or playing with the stove knobs etc.) I swatted tooshies from that age of about 2-4. It worked for us. I just felt that the same caliber of consequence for all misbehaviors was not going to keep my children safe for respectful. On some things, I just felt I needed that one punishment that really sent a message.
Take away all of her toys. every. single. one. Take them all and put them somewhere where she cant get to them. Tell her the only way she can get back her toys is by listening and good behavior. Once she starts behaving slowly give her back one toy at a time.
