Daughter's Self Confidence and Learning New Things

Just keep reinforcing that she does not have to be the first or best for you to love her and for other people to like her. When you play games it is ok to beat her, you no longer have to let her win. Now that she is in school her teachers can also reinforce this with her. It is good that she talks about this and is learning how to cope with these kind of feelings while she is young. It is much harder to learn coping skills as you get older.

Hi A.
I called mine competitive. I think it started before he was born. He not only wanted to do his best but often could do better than most, and would give 200% to everything he was doing. Our older son came home from K reading. You know pointing to words, and saying them. Our competitive son listened watched and learned. By the time he started prek, he could read everything in sight. Now you might think that is not bad, but oldest was 4 when the competitive one was born. We don't know when he started reading, just was reading the newspaper at the start of prek. I didn't force him or praise him because I didn't even know. Crib-- forget it, he climbed out to be like big brother and sleep in the big bed, at 6 months. Walked at 7months. Played every position at ball field. Yup, he played first base, caught the ball at 3rd base and got back to first to get kids out. All the time. We didn't praise this because although he could do it it was wrong. You get the idea. He played soccer with a head injury, one when he couldn't really see the other end of the field. He played goalie. Declared totally incapacitated for 7 months, but when released from MD care to play, played again and even went to Europe to play. Many games I sat with my hands over my face and twins in the stroller because although I had to be there, I could no longer watch.
There was nothing I could do. He gave 200% to everything. Today he is a lawyer for the US government stationed on foreign soil, he & his lovely wife became parents this summer, and he is a wonderful adult. He wanted to be best and he would be by the day's end at everything he tried. When it becomes a problem is when they can't. Age never made a difference, but ability did. He was good at fine line definitions, so teachers said he argued, I corrected saying we call it debating. What a difference it made in teachers!!! Using those fine line definitions he could often talk the teacher into why he wrote the answer he did, and he would be correct. They should have used angry not mad is always my simple example. By High School they just signed passes to the library except for test day. He aced everything. Yup, I have dealt with the competitive child and call it great. He could and would do anything that was set before him. If another kid could do it, he could do it better, faster, wiser.
Eventually it was AOK, because he just did those things that fit into his competitive nature. For instance the second foreign language was tough so dropped German. He had a scholarship so had to pole vault one semester. He did, in spite of the fact that he had broken his lower back in a car accident earlier that summer and no one had found it. Took about 9 months before the spine locked while he was a page in DC. The senator didn't want to be responsible so took him to spine specialist, who found the break. He gave 300% those 9 months, and according to him he would do it again.
Enjoy your competitive daughter. Encourage her, and let her choose her own activities. Teachers told me to ease up, I had not done this. It sounds like you are not doing it, so ease up on yourself and let her be who God made her to be. Listen and let her do what she wants. If you think she is not doing right for herself don't take her back.
Since I am old enough to be your mom, talk to her, listen she probably has great stories to tell too.
God bless you and all you do
K. SAHM married 38 years with grown kids 37,32 and the twins are 18 and away at college. Yup I am an empty nest, grandma

Dear A.,

I have a son who is now 23 and he was the same exact way. It was so bad that if he struck out at a baseball game my husband would fight over which one wanted to take him home. Because he would always feel it was his fault. I remember his first spelling test he got a stomach ache because he needed to get 100 on it. If he wasen't the best he did not want to participate in anything. He was so competitive he did not get any joy out of anything he did. It was so odd to me because we never pushed him we did the opposite we always encouraged and praised him. And then my daughter came along (now 19 ) and would play softball trying to hit the ball with everything she had and if she didn't she would just shake it off and move on. You couldn't have two more different personalities. I am not a psychologist but I read alot on this and there was a study on placement in the family and this is more common in first born children. The first born is the one that everyone dotes over continuously telling them how wonderful they are constant praising. When the second one comes there is not as much time, so they learn patience, their older sibling usually picks on them or takes things away from them so they learn tolerence. To much praise can only set our children up to believe they always have to be perfect. Even though we think we are doing good by praising we are creating this unatainable image of perfection. The second child seems to be more adjusted, can handle adversity, and not think it is the end of the world when they fail. I am sure this is not true in all families but it was right on for mine. To answer do they grow out of this, only when we change and stop allowing it to happen. I had to change in order for my son to change. I did this by giving him small tasks and allowing him to complete them independently this in itself is self esteem building and gives them a sense of accomplishment without competition. Right now involving her in group activities I think when she is feeling this way may make it only worse, because she will continue this behavoir. I would back off and like I said try to do self esteem building and confidence building with her before you involve her in more activities. I know it breaks your heart because I watched my son go through this for a very long time. He is now 23 just graduated from college and is a councelor in a state run orphanage helping boys with emotional problems (ironic isn't it) however I have never seen him happier. He feels a sense of purpose and is helping others. i hope this helped. Good luck!!!

I'm sorry I can only commiserate with you. My son is nine and is only now seeming to stop that stuff. It's so frusterating. Like you want to go play ball with them or something and the little competing minds they have turn it into -- you catch better than I did, and the sort. I'm sure it's a type a thing along with some self esteem issues but I can't figure out exactly how to fix it. My child is also an only child, like yours, and I think some good sibling rivalry would have done him some good.

I see people have already told you what I was going to say, to focus your praise on her effort, not the result. I read an article a couple of years ago about how all this praise about how smart "junior" is or how good he is at something is setting them up for failure, because when things get harder and it isn't so easy to get it right away, be it school work or sports or anything else, they will tend to give up more easily and complain that it's too hard. So focus your praise on her effort. My son is only 2 1/2, but when we are doing things together and he doesn't get it right away, I always tell him to keep trying, and when he gets it we get excited not only about him getting it, but that he kept trying.

Good luck!

D.

Praise is actually a really loaded issue for little kids. Try praising effort rather than success, even if she is very successful at something - for example, instead of "What a beautiful picture!", try, "You must have worked so h*** o* that picture!" That approach is actually one of the tenets of the philosophy of the preschool where I teach. Other than that, you can try happily failing at things in front of her - do things imperfectly and show her how much you are enjoying the process.

Good luck!

My daughter who is also an only child, and I experienced the same issue, especially regarding school. It was so bad when she was in first grade, she would bang her head on her desk if she didn't answer a question correctly. Like you I was concerned and didn't really know how to help her. I continued to explain to her that she is young and not expected to know everything, if that was the case she wouldn't need to go to school. I always set the expectation that she should do her best. It actually turned around once she was in third grade and began playing basketball. Because she enjoy playing with her friends she didnt get as upset when they lost. She just wanted to play and have fun with her friends. She is now 14 years old, she is still very competitive but she is involved in healthy competition, she doesn't get as emotional as she did when she was younger. Its funny because she nows sign up for things she doesn't know how to do just to become good at something new. The best thing you can do is be supportive, but don't let her quit or give up, even if she is adament on never doing it again (whatever the activity is). Odds are she may not grow out of it, but as she gets older she'll handle it differntly. Good luck.

Wow.. Sounds a lot like my daughter... First, be careful that you are not inadvertently giving her the message that she has to be her best at everything all the time, or that your love and approval are conditional on her being "good" or successful. Also be careful that you don't make disparaging remarks about people who struggle with things you think are simple( ie: "what a looser") around her.. You'd be amazed at what kids pick up when you think they're not listening.

It turned out that my daughter has self esteem issues. She felt she had to be "perfect" in order to be loved. We started her in therapy when she was 6. she is 13 now, and we still have to remind her that we love her with all her flaws, and try to help her accept her imperfect self.

She was diagnosed with several conditions, amongst them being Generalized Anxiety Disorder. We chose not to treat her with medication, but working with a child therapist, has helped a lot over the years.

I don't have any "advice" for you. We needed the guidance of a child psychologist to change our family dynamic. "Type A" personalities do start in childhood, you might want to consider researching that...

Hi A...

Odd question for you, but is your daughter gifted in one particular area?
My son will be 10 years old in a few weeks. He has been recognised as gifted and talented (mathematics and music), and we have the same problem.
Every game, every sport - he has to win or gets upset. Every new challenge at school, every test paper - he has to do better.
Apparently it's one of the recognised signs of a G&T child.

I hope things improve for you and your daughter.

Best wishes,
D..