I am looking for some advice on what role my husband should play with feedings. We have a 4 month-old daughter, whom we absolutely adore. I also have a 5 yo from a previous relationship. I met my husband when my daughter was seven months old. We bought a house together when she was a 1 and half. I was and am the caretaker as far as getting up at night, baths, dinner, bedtime, ect... My husband would be more than willing to do anything, if I asked. I always felt she is my responsibility. We now have a 4 month old and the role has become somewhat the same. I had a c-section with our daughter, therefore recovery was a little bit more involved. I breastfed for 3 months and used bottles early on to kind of lessen the load. From the beginning I have been doing 99% of all the feedings, 100% of night-time feedings. Ava is waking about 1-2 times a night and I feel like I hitting the wall. My other daughter, Chloe occasionally has nightmares and I get up with her also. My husband is a very caring father to both of the girls. He works about 70 hours a week, so he definitely is tired, as we all are. Does this exempt him from getting up at night or doing a bedtime bottle? How do I go about this conversation without seeming ungrateful for being able to stay home? He would like to start trying for another baby, but I not sure if I would like to for the shear fact of having to do everything from "soup to nuts" again. I definitely want more children, but would like my husband more involved on the homefront.
My husband and I had a schedule that worked out really well regarding the night feedings. He would do the feeding if our son woke up between 8:00pm and midnight. I would do the feeding from midnight to 6:00am. This helped because my husband could get some sleep for work the next day and I went to bed early to get sleep, too. It works really well. Good Luck!
I see you have received some great advice on getting your husband to help you out. Now I will tell you what will happen if you don't. I have been thru the EXACT same thing. I was a single mom for the first year of my son's life and then I met my husband and we were married by the time my son was 18 months. Another year later we had our daughter and I assumed ALL the responsibility for her. Just like you I breastfed but introduced bottles as well when she was about a month old. My husband is an incredible father and I'm sure would have done just about anything I asked just to lighten my load. I just felt so GUILTY doing so because he was working 2 jobs and I think I still felt grateful to him for treating my firstborn as his own. Whenever she needed ANYTHING, to be fed, changed, bathed, whatever; I truly felt as if it was ALL my responsibility to see that her needs were met. So much so that even though I was dying inside for his help, when he actually DID take over I spent the entire time feeling guilty about it so I would ultimately end up even MORE miserable! A vicious cycle. Now fast forward 3 and a half years and I give birth to child #3. Having TWO children to take care of besides my infant and with my husband working even MORE because we now have three kids, needless to say I did not handle shouldering all of the responsibility so well this time around! I eventually flipped out on him and I realized just how much RESENTMENT I had been holding on to from after my daughter was born. On the other hand, I found out that every time my husband had taken over back then, I made him feel like he was doing everything wrong so he felt inept when it came to making any kind of decision with my daughter. He thought by staying out of it, he was making ME happy when really he WANTED some responsibility; enjoyed feeling like a capable Dad. Meanwhile, I thought I was doing the right thing by not giving him any added stress or work; all the time not realizing how mad at him I was for not taking over. If any of this makes sense to you, then I would give him some responsibility. Just find a time when it benefits both of you and that way everybody wins! Good Luck and don't be afraid to unburden yourself alittle bit. Remember that all 4 of you reap the benefits of a HAPPY MOMMY! Let me know if I can help in any way and how it all works out.
It's tricky cause I bet he feels like he is doing his share of the "work load" by working 70 hours a week. First of all have you expressed these feelings to him at all? Have you talked about maybe him walking up with the kids once or twice a week so you could sleep in? Sleep is not optional. It's a vital part of your health and you need to be healthy for your kids. I breastfed both my kids and my husband was never involved in nighttime feedings because it was simply much easier for me to breastfeed in bed. I was ok with that because it was my choice and to be honest with you it just got easier as the months went by. What I have asked of husband is to wake up with the baby once a week so I can sleep past 6am. I work full time and I have to be at work at 6am, four times a week so I have to be up for 4:45am. For me, sleeping until 6:30-7:00am is huge! Also, if you have family around, consider asking for a "sitter" to come in at 6am and babystit for you from the time your kids wake up until you feel like you had enough sleep. Your husband probably thinks that it's his job to make money so it's your job to take care of the rest. He probably recongnizes that you have a full time job yourself but so does he. Don't forget he is a man...they don't really talk about things! But you could initiate a conversation and you might be surprised at what he is willing to do to help!
I think you should just go ahead and talk to him. Work something out; make a plan. You could have certain days of the weeks where he does the nighttime feeding and the same with you. It sounds like you are starting to get a little burnt out. You said he would be more then willing to help, so why not take it. It sounds like you are the one putting all of the load on your own shoulders!:) If he's as good as you say he is I'm sure he'll be very understanding! Good luck and let us know how it went!
ok now it all depends on the circumstances. Does dad have days off or does he work 7 days a week? I would normally say you take turns regardless if he is working fulltime - but he is working much more than fulltime so it makes it worse. I know that being a SAHM (if that is what you are) is definitely fulltime work as well - but 70 hours outside of the home is A LOT!!! is there any possiblity of him working less? just some thoughts. good luck!
Hi C.,
I also think you should talk to your husband about how your feeling. He sounds like he would help out.
Maybe since he works so many hours during the week, on the weekends he could help out during the night and you could get more sleep. I need to do this every once in a while with my husband he works many hours too and doesn't think to offer on his own. (wish he would) but it's nice to get the help.
Or you could try every other weekend he takes care of them in the night.
Good luck!
Sounds like how things were with my DH & me. Because he was the one going to work everyday I didn't expect him to get up during the night. But we agreed that he would take our son for at least an hour when he got home every night. I would just leave the house & enjoy some quiet time. That hour definately kept me sane. Also, 1 night on the weekend he would take the baby overnight. I would go in the other bedroom & get a full night of undisturbed sleep.
I would talk to your husband & hopefully you can work something out. A well rested mommy, is a very happy mommy (",)
YOu have to tell him how you feel. I know my husband wasn't offering to get up, but I asked him to do the early morning feeding before he would go to work. I was able to get a few hours of sleep in a row and it made getting through the day a little easier and I was less resentful of him.
Hello C., I have a 31/2 month old beautiful daughter and my boyfriend works about the same as your hubby. When Emmy wasnt sleeping thru the night we would work as a team. I would get up get her from her crib hand her to daddy then I would get her bottle and he would feed her in bed and then when they were done "bonding" cause it was definetly bonding for them I would take her back to her room and change her and place her back in bed. Its a huge huge difference when the father and child can bond even for such a short amount of time. He was the first person that our daugther smiled at and that was a great moment for him! I hope that things work out for all of you! Good luck hopefully this advice helped out. PS at first my boyfriend was tired all the time and I just handed him her and the bottle and he took over and now its ritual! Hes used to it now!
I am not sure how you should handle it, precisely, but I do believe that he should be helping. Either once a night, or every other night. Depending on your needs, maybe just hi on the nights when he does not work the next day. There is nothing wrong with any of these scenarios.
S.
Hi C.!
I have a 2 month old and I do all of the night time stuff too. When she was first born he woke up with me at almost every feeding and changing. But when I saw how tired it was making him and effecting his productivity at work, I decided it was better for him to get a good nights sleep and then he can take her when he gets home to give me a little break. He changes her diaper when he first gets up in the morning and does a lot in the evenings before bed.
Trust me there are many times at night when I look over and see him sleeping and wish he would wake up and help, but I really had to decide which I wanted, his help at night or have him well rested during the day so I could take a break.
Hope this helps:)
