Children Socializing Issue

Have you tried getting him involved in a physical activity. I'm not saying twist him into football or anything, but maybe find a mildly competitive team activity (sport) which he's interested in. It's just so much easier for a shy person to approach another kid when they're focused on a common goal...like getting the ball into the net. Just be careful that he gets enrolled with a supportive, and not overzealous coach.

M.,

I can so relate. My son is 13 and grew up in the same way. All of my babysitters had girls, all of his cousins were girls, all of our neighbors had girls. He still hangs out with more girls than he does boys. What I did to help my son was to get him involved with Big Brothers Big Sisters. It's an excellent program and can be really helpful to boys. My son learned how to play video games (which I am no good at), throw darts, and he helped his Big Brother build a dog house for his dogs. Sadly, his brother moved out of state and it devastated my son, but he still keeps in contact with him through letters. Also encourage him to join an afterschool club, like boyscouts, or the school band when he's old enough to join. My son isn't the "jock" type of boy. He likes drama, art, music, and other creative things and that's ok. Encourage your son to do whatever it is he is passionate about (whatever that may be at 9! LOL). If nothing else, relating with all the girls will give him a boost up when he starts dating! LOL. Good luck! S. W, Polson, MT

I do think it's very important that your son learn to interact with his peers. I know growing up I had a hard time making friends with other girls, as I had no sisters and was quite a tomboy and not interested in "girl" things. Growing up feeling like I didn't fit in with/understand my peers led to self-esteem issues and such, even though it wasn't very apparent to others. I think the longer this goes on with your son the worse it will get and the more consequences it will have for him long term.

I think you need to get him involved in organized activities where he can interact with kids his age. Music lessons, swim lessons, after school clubs. Perhaps cub scouts would be a perfect opportunity for him to get involved with a variety of activities and try a lot of new things in a supervised, structured environment with boys his age. And that will help him build more skills and more self confidence as well. My husband was a scout leader for awhile, so if you need any help finding a troop to join let me know and I would be happy to help you out. As he builds friendships through these activies, encourage him to have friends over for fun and organize activites (like a movie or new game) if that helps him feel more at ease- that will help him a lot too I think.

Whatever you do, do something for his sake. He won't just figure it out on his own, especially if he's shy.

Best of luck!
S.

M.,

I think your first step would be to help your son feel more accepting of himself. Remind him that it doesn't matter what other people think of him, only what he thinks of himself. Then the social issues will fall into place. It probably won't happen over night, but when it means the most to him, it will have happened. All the best.

T.

hello there sounds like what my son went through and hes my oldest now 13. i had to get him into boy scouts to get him to socialize with other boys, is there something like that where u live?that would get him into being social and more open and active to the other young boys around him too and it makes such a change in them. well good luck sweets

I have a 7 year old son who I had to change schools due to the facc his Kindergarten teahcer slapped him on the face aside from other hateful abusive things she did. He had a few good friends at his old school and at his new school where he entered 1st grade, he has not made friends as easily. I worried too because he seemed to only play by himself and not try to make friends, he even said he wanted his old friends back; both of the friends have since moved away and I lost contact with their mothers.
I had to adjust as much as he, if not more. It is hard to see your child not being social, but I also know that before age 10 boys seem to be lass social butterflies than girls. I have to just stand back and let him grow. It is hard because we mothers want our child to be Mr. Popular. On the other hand, if your child can participate in class activites and not get picked on he is doing fine. You may try setting up a boys only play date with his classmates, send out invites and then have them all go to your house for a weekend day, maybe even a sleepover. See which boys show up and encourage your son to play with him/them.

Have you tried to put your son in a summer camp or a summer sport? I would tell him that you will never know until you try something. Another thing that might be good for him is the Big Brothers and Big Sisters Program. That way he has a guy to do things with every now and again.

First of all I showed this to my husband and he said it sounds like your son is VERY smart and needs things to stimulate his brain. You may just need to find him kids with the same interests, not make him be interested in sports or things he doesn't care for. Does his school (or community) have a chess team or golf team? Can he volunteer in the library during recess? He may interact with other kids by helping them look for books and materials they need and that may give him confidence to come out of his shell.
Boy scouts was an idea my husband and I had. We go to First united methodist church on 4th st. and they have a scout troop and the boys seem nice.
Sunday school is one other place to meet more kids in a controlled environment - who should be behaving properly ;)
We are raising our first son and I DREAD what you are going through, boy or girl. My older 2 girls were a bit reserved but they found friends when they could pick classes with kids who had the same interests. Good luck.

I was always that girl that wondered around the playground alone. Nothing my mom said to me, the teacher, principal etc helped. I was not like the other kids. They didn't understand a girl like me. Nor did they care to, to be honest. Anyways, finally my mom put me in science clubs, classes and things for advanced kids when i was little. Put me in band. Things considered dorky sadly! LOL!! Anyways, those people were my refuge. It made school better to know that I did have friends even if all the kids at school didn't like me or accept me. Come time for middle school guess who was there! All those kids I knew so well from my clubs. It was great. I then had friends in spades and was so happy.

My mom tried to get me to jump rope and play sports like the other kids but that just wasn't me. Then they just made fun of me for my insight into the games or my method. So that never really worked. You can't really help when you have a different intellect or insight wise when you are little but you and I both know that the other kids hold it against you and think you are weird. Just one of the injustices of life. So I guess I would look into putting him into golf, chess and things of this nature outside the school environment. It will improve his self esteem in bounds!

Also, for me, girl scouts was worse than school..there was no one to make them not treat me like a disease..I would never subject my kids to that environment. But that is just my 2 cents on that organization.

Have you thought about trying playdates with kids from school? With the warm weather coming you could do a picnic with some outdoor games that he could pick out. Maybe check with a community center to see what they may offer as far as a chess club or perhaps golfing. Some of these centers may charge a price but if you meet certain criteria you may qualify for monitarty help. I would also suggest Cub Scouts. It's a great way for your son to interact with boys his own age. Personally, I have seen many shy boys open up in the scouting program since I have been a leader. See if there is a Cub Scout pack available in your area, maybe one through the school where other boys in his grade go to. If you don't like that pack go to another and find one that fits him. We have some boys in our pack who are not very sporty and they become very socialable at the meetings. If you have any questions about the scouting program or need help finding a pack, feel free to contact me.

I would check out a local cub scout/boy scout program. That's something that keeps the kids together for a longer period of time and does several different activities.

You could check out summer camp programs, but if they're for a week only that can be hard unless they have a friend to go with. If he's more introverted he'll just start to feel comfortable about the time he's having to come home. But if there's a summer program that runs for several weeks or each so he's can take it in, "digest it", go back get more. Extroverted kids have a better time at the week long camps, because they just willing jump in and get to know and do things. Being more introverted myself, it was harder not knowing anyone, especially when most kids are from a distance and after that week you may not have the opportunity to see that new friend. don't get me wrong, summer camps can be loads of fun, but if your goal is to get friendships that he can nuture through the rest of the year, then it's probably not as realistic. if he goes to that for the sake of just having fun, then he'll get more out of it. I loved summer camp. My most memorable time was when I went with a friend.

you could check about the local playhouse for kids activities.
or summer rec leagues for sports.

Nothing says he has to play those things and some kids aren't meant to be the "sports jock". Bottom line he has to be happy with who he is and what he likes. Confidence will come partly through the confidence he has in day to day tasks. If he feels like he can do things (and be recognized for it) then it will help him have the confidence to step into new territory and try new things.

I also think you should get him a "big brother." When I was in high school are counselor picked out people and we'd go to the elementary to hang out with a buddy. Sometimes we'd bring them pizza for lunch, or play at recess, just do whatever. You could call the local high school and request an athlete be your child's buddy, then he could learn to play sports or whatever if he wants to. Plus it'd probably give him more confidence that a "big kid" wants to play with him. We were like celebrities when we went to play with our buddies, for some reason kids love high schoolers. Hope it all works out for you!

My oldest has one friend and sometimes he doesn't even play with him. He's not into sports and he doesn't like rough housing at all. He plays by himself all the time.

We have him in therapy for his Bipolar and ADHD and they say he's healthy enough.

If your son is complaining he doesn't have any friends then maybe you can get the teacher to explain why. He'll find someone eventually that is like him and that they'll be really good friends.

We hate to see our kids be lonely and feel helpless when they say they don't have anyone to play with. I'd really talk to the school and see how is maturity wise and how he socializes. There may be something you can do. Does he have any siblings or kids in the neighborhood that you can set up playdates with?

I wish I had more advice to give you. My son plays alone but he doesn't mind it at all, yet and he's 11. He uses his imagination a lot and doesn't like kick ball or base ball or any sport. Good Luck!!!!!

My oldest is the same way. He'll do what I call nature hikes. He enjoys recess more when it rains and they play indoors because they can use the computer, read a book, or play boards game. I talked to my son's teacher and she said it was fine if he wanted to taker a book to recess. The teacher also found another child in a different classroom and introduced them. Talk to the teacher and see if there is something that can be worked out.

Hi M.!
I love that you asked this!! Being a single mom isn't easy and KUDO's to you for being involved and concerned about this!! My grandson was exactly like that, he's six now. Boy Scouts is an excellent idea! That's what we did and he blossomed!! Another idea is a mentor. Now for the silly part....I have a daughter that was so much of a tomboy that she found it very difficult to interact with girls!! True story here... I had tried everything and just couldn't spark her desire to be around other girls. They were too "wimpy" she said. LOL!! Well, it was mentioned to me in involve a mentor. I didn't think this would work, but had a friend in the same boat and she swore by it. So I enlisted a MALE mentor (I knew him personally or I would NEVER have done this!) It was so funny! This is a man that always wanted a daughter but had only boys. He was old enough to be her grandfather and just took her under his wing. At first, they did "guy" stuff together, then he ever-so-slyly , worked in girlie stuff. Even bought her a dress for church!! By the time summer was over, I had still had my tomboy, but I also had a little girl that giggled and enjoyed time just being a girl! My point is this, sometimes, being a single mom, we want to be everything for our child. Sadly, it doesn't always work out that way. There's nothing wrong with reaching out and letting someone you trust give you a hand. And sometimes, that really does need to be a male. Mentors are great and most towns have mentors that are organized through different charities, ie: YMCA, churches, etc..Or if you know a guy that would be a positive influence with your child, just ask! The important thing about picking a mentor is that #1: YOU TRUST THEM!! #2: They will not try to CHANGE your child, just introduce new things to them. Mentors are for building confidence and character. You'll know you've found the right one by the excitement of your child looking forward to the time with the mentor, and the smile on his little face when he returns home from an outing. Here's to you, M., for being active with your kids and caring about their developement!! KUDO's again!!

Just Me!
S.