Child's Friend on Trips

If he is happy and healthy otherwise, why not just let him go solo with you on trips? Not everyone wants friends tagging along 24/7 with no escape. If there is an issue with the phone, limit his time. You are the parent and you provide his phone. Give him set times he can use it. There are so many other things he can do to fill his time. Just to name a few: reading, drawing, writing, car games, trivia games, etc. while in the car or on the plane. At a destination? Even more to do! Shopping, conversing over a meal, taking a walk, visiting local sites, going to an activity like mini put, taking a swim in the hotel pool, etc. I can't imagine forcing a friend on him when he says he doesn't want one.

I'm not sure what your goal is.

Do you want him off the phone? Then take it away or limit it.

What does he mean by it's not his choice? That he doesn't choose to have a friend? Or hat the vacation plans aren't something he would choose? Your course of action would be very different depending on which one it is.

Do you want him to be with you and make it family time? Then take away the phone and require him to be polite. Be sure you are doing things that he likes to do and not just expecting him to like what you like. I have one child and he was always busy on vacations - with no phone. We loved our road trips, where he learned to navigate with a real map, we went to campgrounds in a rented RV, we went to museums and nature areas and beaches. He had a snorkel and a face mask, and he shared his finds with us. We did some kid stuff (bumper cars or mini golf) and we did some adult stuff (decent restaurants where he learned to order and eat real food, be polite, and have real conversations). When he was younger than 12, if there was a paper placemat, he flipped it over and drew designs and elaborate mazes to pass the time until the food came.

If your child doesn't want a friend, maybe it's good if he wants to be with you? Maybe he's asking you to spend more time focused on him? If you're not involved, then I don't see much difference between him being occupied with a pal or a phone. On the other hand, if he has few friends or if he's depressed, you have another set of problems you need to deal with now, before it goes on too long. Be sure you're not missing warning signs of a deeper issue. As he gets in to full adolescence with more hormones and even more temptations with drugs, alcohol and bad behavior than he has at 12, it's only going to get worse for all of you.

Can you be more specific about these trips? Are you talking about day trips to museums, week-long vacations to a resort or beach or cabin? Do you go on trips frequently or are these once-a-year big deal trips to theme parks?

Do you plan trips based on one family member's interests, or does the whole family get an input about where to go? Has your son asked to go somewhere or see something in particular?

Is your son generally more of a loner, or does he have plenty of friends in school or in the neighborhood? Is he active in school activities or sports, or is he the type of kid who prefers reading, and being quiet?

How does he act on these trips? Does he appear bored or disinterested? Is he involved in packing his own belongings? Does he generally enjoy them?

Are these trips very out-of-line with his friends' families' trips? For example, do you go on 1st class cruises to Alaska where the rest of the neighborhood manages to go to the free fireworks on the 4th of July? Or do you go to art museums and cultural events, and his pals go to roller coasters and theme parks? In other words, is there a disparity between your trips and those of his friends' families, in terms of culture, or cost, or duration? Is he possibly sensitive to the difference between your trips and those of his friends?

A little more info might be helpful in gathering some more answers to your question.

Some people are fine with bringing friends along but I've never been a fan of it.
I see trips as family time.
Why does his being an only child bother you?
He's ok with it - many are - it seems this is something that bothers you more than him.
Our son is an only child (and he thanks goodness all the time that he has no siblings!) and found that a lot of his peers were pretty foolish/childish until he was about middle school age and they caught up to his maturity level.
I wouldn't worry about it.
As for too much phone time - well there are other things to do.
As someone who took a few cross country road trips before cell phones, internet and gps was invented (think great American road trip) there are games to play, pictures to take and sights to see.
If driving - it would be great fun to do this old school and use a fold out map to navigate - your 12 yr old can be your navigator!
Reading a good book is a lot of fun and I hope you are taking some time to play and have some fun.

When we did beach vacations - I was building sand castles and playing in the waves with our son - having a friend along was not needed - it would have spoiled our fun.

My sister is much older than me so by the time I was 12, pretty sure I took solo trips with my parents and I was perfectly happy. I was a huge reader though. And I did sports with my dad on some trips. I’d tell your son it is up to him but he will only get x hours a day on his phone. Then let him decide. I enjoyed my parents. Maybe he enjoys you guys? If he’ll sulk the whole time without his phone, I’d rethink trips and save the money. If the trips are for your benefit and he doesn’t want a friend, I might just let him be on his phone a fair amount. Sometimes you can’t force things how you’d like them to be and need to accommodate reality as best as possible and compromise.

I understand the thought that having a peer along would make the trip more fun for your youngster--we did exactly that on our last trip. Our older child (son, 17) made a good case for staying home and we felt that his 13 year old sister would enjoy things more with a friend. The difference in our case is that our daughter was delighted at the thought of traveling with her bestie who lives in another city, and we planned (and did) most activities together. It also takes a special friendship for a kid to feel comfortable with the idea of being with another kid 24/7. Your son seems not to feel comfortable with that prospect, and there's no reason to force it. Set some reasonable restrictions on phone use, come up with a list of possible activities to do together, have HIM research possible activities at your destination (he can put that phone's internet capability to good use!), bring board games to play together... This trip could be a golden opportunity for time together.

Having a friend along on a trip is generally something the child wants and asks for. The parent's role is to say Yes or No. It is not something the parent decides to do regardless of the child's wishes.

My husband was an only child and enjoyed trips with his family. If your trips are not interesting to your kid and he doesn't have anything to do, then it would be reasonable to change the nature of your trips. Ask him where he wants to go and what he wants to do with you.

Maye your son doesn't want to bring friends on trips because he wants to spend time with you.
Which is amazing.
So when you create family trips with your kid perhaps you could come up with fun things to do with your son.
I would NEVER want my kid's friends to come with us. I want to engage with my son, find out what's going on, eat ice cream, play at the lake, and have time with them since I don't get it as often as I would like.

hm. his indifference to the suggestion says to me that if his friends come, they'll be ignored right along with you.

it's not necessarily a bad idea (we often had friends come with us and it was terrific) but it might be more overall useful to your main concern, which seems to be that he's disengaged, to look for things that really spark his interest, and perhaps to be more insistent that there's no-screen time built into family trips.

phones and screens are an increasing issue with people of all ages right now, and i feel for parents who are trying to negotiate it. i have to take myself in hand frequently for phone-checking too much, and i'm old and not good with technology.

i hope you find a good solution.

khairete
S.

Maybe he doesn't want to be around a friend every day all day...it might be exhausting for him. I would just have family time and not invite a friend since he's not too keen for a friend to come. Instead, tell him he gets x number of hours on his phone each day. My son is 14 and I love family vacations where I get quality time with him...he likes to make me laugh. We play uno or checkers which he loves. He likes to show me memes. We play his music off his phone in the rental car. He wants me to swim with him. On hikes he walks with me and makes jokes. He loves to tease me and I tease him back. I do have to tell him to put the phone away at times. If I invited one of his friends he would only focus on his friend the whole time, so there is an upside to not inviting a friend.

Why aren't you listening to him?

Some kids don't need or want constant companionship.

"I would like him to do it just so he has something to do..." Translation: "It's too much for me to spend one on one time with my kid for the entire trip." Seriously? I look forward to vacations so we can spend time together. Your "Uggh. Help." sounds really selfish. Poor mom - has to be alone with her kid.

And I'd be hard pressed to send my kid with someone else's family on vacation - I mean, I guess people do it, but I think it's odd.