Can You Cheer for Me?

Sending good thoughts, cheer, peace and happiness my friend. And as my mother used to tell me and I learned it is actually quite healthy when I do it: Ignore him.

Have you actually recovered from your in law visit last year? I mean that had to have lingering effects! :p

That was meant to make you smile.

I just remember terrorists had fewer demands! If you can survive that you can survive this! :)

I am sending you hugs. I want you to know I enjoy reading your comments on this board. You have great thoughts and are not judgmental. My family and I are hoping to come to Hawaii and I would love to have a cup of tea with you! :)

I had a first marriage that was very combative. My x actually told me it was my job to make him happy. After years of trying I gave up and stopped caring about him at all. In my experience (with counseling) I realized he had sucked me dry.

One thing that really helped me was to realize that if I disengaged it stopped. He would say stuff, I would defend myself, the battle began. A wise person told me it takes two to fight. If you refuse to fight he will look ridiculous. That's what I did. Just because he says something doesn't make it true. Please remember that.

You are a good person. You have good grounding. You've spoken often of your Dad. He was a good person who grounded you. Try to hear him speaking to you. Your kids love and adore you. I am cheering for you. Please go talk to a neutral person.

Take care of yourself.

Blessings!
L.

I can cheer for you! You really consider each post you answer. You try to detail the elements that might have gone awry and give possible solutions to each one. That make you a great counselor!

It also seems the likely reason, you are the person your H picked to marry.
He has demands, you have answers.

Stop answering.

Like another poster, I have stopped zeroing in on quite a few of the annoying stuff my H does. It's kind of a typical male trait (they only hear what they want). It's very hard for the kind of person you are to ignore stuff.
But girl, you are on overload! Get your blank look game on! Don't engage.
Tell him his problems and demands have shut the system down. Back off, buddy!

More than once, I have told my H, I refuse to participate in your ridiculous anxiety. I'm not going to absorb your tension so you can feel better. You are just going to have to deal.

Prayers said for you!

I'm so sorry. I'm almost surprised to hear you've been struggling – your attitude is always so cheery and practical in your posts. I'm sending you my deepest wishes for your happiness.

Have you considered getting individual counseling – a "clearness" process of sorts, to explore what changes might be needed to meet your own needs (which have obviously been growing unattended) and how to accomplish those changes? It can be really helpful. Although, those changes might move you in the direction of a separation. Still, if your husband values having you in his life, that might be a useful wake-up call.

I wish you all the best, Susan.

Sending positive thoughts, prayers & hugs your way!

I'm a tough cookie, too, but sometimes life can "chip" away (pun intended)
at the strongest cookie.

Take care of yourself.

Stand up for yourself.

Let him be picky. Tune out. Don't cater. I have found a lot of men I know
to turn into "Grumpy Old Men". That's fine but I don't have to put up
with it or subscribe to it. They get to be grumpy all alone! I tune out, I
don't bite back....I just turn away. Of course when necessary, I STAND
UP FOR MYSELF! They don't like it but too bad. I'm no body's crappy
word/attitude receptacle!!!

These men I mentioned think they are always right. Even when proven
otherwise. It's hilarious. Again, I don't make it my mission to prove them
wrong. Nor do I put up with it. I tune out the negative, go to counseling
when needed to work on myself, try my best to keep a positive attitude!

I pray for myself, talk to good friends when I need an ear.

Go for a daily walk if you can. It helps your overall health, promotes
positivity, gets you out of the house & clears your head! Best wishes
honey!

(((Cyber hugs))) healing, peaceful thoughts and prayers heading to you (and your whole family).

Hang ten...

UM...I mean TOUGH!

Oh honey, I'm sorry I'm late to your post, but of course I will cheer for you!

I have always appreciated the kind, thoughtful and gentle advice that you provide for all of us on this board, and I'm sad to see that you are not being treated with the respect that you deserve so very much.

As you can see, you have many friends full of support here. Please, please keep us posted. (((hug)))

you got it, babe!
khairete
S.

I am sorry that you are having such a rough time right now!! I hope that this is just a speed bump in your marriage, and you are on the other side soon!!
He is not always right, and you need to hold onto your own value as a person. We know it is there- a price above rubies :)

Absolutely!!! You got it!

You want me to pay him a visit?

Hang in there... I hope it gets better.

As for a picky hubby, I thought mine was the pickiest!

Sending good thoughts your way.

Cheers from me to you for many days to come!!!

One thing that helps me cope with controlling / critical people is to reflect on why they are that way, and to not let it their problem become my problem.

Most often critical people are that way because their parents were uber critical of them and all others, so that is their way of seeing the world. So, don't take it personally, but in a moment of calm, teach him (over and over and over) how negative his thoughts are.

And men cross over from being protector of wife/family to being overly controlling pretty easily depending upon personality and coping skills.

I hope the Xanax helps control your stomach acid but SH I really hope that you find healthy outlets for yourself - every day - without him. Make plans and DO NOT allow him to change your plans. Just go do what helps you restore yourself...leave him to stress out on his own.

Hugs and prayers.

I'm thinking of you.

It really might be worth taking it to a counselor.

Go you! Booooo to you husband who is being a d***!

Sending prayers and thoughts your way S.H.!

<<hugs>>

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am praying for you and sending positive, upbeat energies to you.:)

So sorry. Hang in there!!! Blessings are coming your way!

I was so sad to see this post from you. You always have words of wisdom for others and I love to see specifically how you will respond. I literally look for you every time. I have come and gone over the years on this site and love that you're always here when I return. As you can see, everyone here values you and your amazing feedback. I am sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way. I hope you will search within that beautiful heart and mind of yours and find a way to get through this. May your husband see the stress he is causing and change his ways. You deserve to have peace and love in your life. Hang in there, take a deep breath and know that you have kids that love you so much.

I'll keep you in my thoughts today for sure. This isn't any way to live and you DO deserve better. Know that many of us are thinking of you today, right now, all over the country.

As someone below noted, can you get him into marriage counseling? Because...our good thoughts are positive but won't teach him how to communicate or teach you how to deal with him so you preserve some happiness for yourself.

If he refuses to go, which frankly is not a good sign -- then please, please get a counselor or therapist for yourself alone. You deserve it. You need a person who can be objective and help you with strategies to deal with him daily. You should not be ground down and worn out by the one relationship that should be your source of comfort and your refuge. If you are feeling like "a box to dump complaints and criticisms in," which is a really vivid and telling image -- you absolutely need to take real action to help yourself, and a counselor or therapist could be the action you need right now.

Seeing a professional is not another thing on your plate -- it should be the priority, whether it's as a couple or on your own or both. Xanax alone won't provide long-term solutions, or teach your husband how to treat you. Prayers and good thoughts coming to you, and please update us about what actions you now take.

Mucho prayers for you S.H.!

No, you are not a dumping ground! You are a kind and thoughtful person and I always enjoy your answers. Thoughts and prayers coming your way!

I am sending you good thoughts and saying prayers for you and your husband.

After your SWH: I feel like I know you a little bit because of your insightful posts here. So not a total stranger.

I've taken Xanax type medicine off and on for years and never been addicted. I do notice that when I start craving it when I'm not stressed at the moment it helps to taper off and stay off for awhile. Being off for a couple of weeks helps. If I still need it I can start taking it at a lower dose and get help with aanxiety. My therapist gives me a range for doses. I am careful to not increase the dose past that point. It's usually a few weeks after the highest dose that I have to go off it for awhile. Just keep in touch with your doctor.

Sending you prayers...I often forget to turn my problems over to God and really trust in him but time and again, whatever I have needed to get through whatever I have been going through just presents itself out of nowhere. I hope you find some unexpected(and needed) relief soon!

You will be in my thoughts for as long as you need them. Many times you have helped us one and all to see a different side to a situation. I treasure your thoughts.

Keep your chin up and start become a bit selfish to preserve yourself. If you ain't happy nobody is happy. If you have to shut down some of the things you do for hubby, then by all means do it. We want you to be there for your kids and to see them grow into adults.

Your problems are not hubby's. He has to learn to channel his thoughts into another area and you are not it. Learn to tune him out like kids do to their parents. "Yes dear, Ok, maybe, right." No more no less.

Once again, pick yourself up and hold your head high. You are more than this and worth it.

the other S.

Gooooooo S.H., Gooooo!

Of course I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and cheer you on, no need for you to give any details. You have given so much support to people on this board (including me) that it's time we give back to you.

Remember to breathe and always remember that it's ok to ask for help. There's no shame in that. If, in a few days, you need to come back here and ask us for more support, even without giving us details, please feel free to do that. We are here for you, and we certainly will support you, no judgement attached.

Hang in there sweetheart. I also wanted to say that a strong person asks for meds to help them. Good for you for realizing you needed some help and asking for it. That makes you STRONG.

Keep on going. We are here for you,and will help as we can. I care about you. Just keep on reaching out to people, and asking for support. I will pay for you as often as I remember, which will be often.

Have a blessed day.

I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers!

Aww sweetie, I'm so very sorry. Why do some men have to be such tools?

Is there ANY chance that he would go to marriage counseling with you? Any? Maybe you could tell him that the only complaints or criticisms that you will listen to will be in front of a counselor?

Sending hugs and prayers to you right now. Be careful of the Xanax. I have been told that it's really habit forming and you don't need that on top of everything else.

I'm sorry. Praying for peace and guidance. If you can go find someone to talk to sometimes it can be very helpful prior to getting in a room with a critical partner who just uses the hour of counseling to hammer the spouse. Maybe just some support for YOU right now? Big hugs.

You can do it. Keep focusing on yourself and your needs. Be strong. Stand up for yourself.

I dont your situation, but i think hes reflecting his stress on to you. Since he probably cant take it out on anybody else hes using you as an escape hatchet, thats why you yourself cant take it. Thats you probably feel like your walking on egg shells and have to be perfect for around him so it doesnt trigger an argument. If i had to make a guess i would say its money related,lack of satisfaction with his life in general, or he has grown apart from you. I would recommend that if your a stay at home mom get a physical activity going, walking. Jogging, yoga, or some time with your girlfriends. This is not your fault even if your husband makes you feel that way and like you cant do nothing right. Make time for yourself,find something you enjoy, and have a real talk with yourself to see where you want to go in life. It might even mean you and your husband separating sorry to say, if it does get to that point just remember your better off alone than than being in the presence of bad company, and you will get through it, just find a friend or family member to help you with your transition.

It'll be okay, even if it's not. Keep your chin up, darling!

Good thoughts, prayers, hugs, smiles, pats, cheers, and luck being sent your way!!!!

Sending good thoughts! Maybe you two can find a neutral person with whom to speak, maybe to serve as a reboot in your communication with each other? And if you get a break from the stress, that can only help how you feel and how you respond to his comments.

Wishing you a good start to this new day,

A.

Good for u for taking care of yourself!!

Keep on chugging on.

I so respect all your answers, I am keeping you in in my prayers.

Prayers are being sent your way. Best wishes!

Close your eyes. Pull your shoulders up to your ears, then roll them forward and now roll them back and relax them down. Take a deep breath in through your nose, then blow it out easily and deeply through your mouth. Roll your head forward to your chest, then over to the left, then to the back and over to the right. Take another deep breath and blow it out. Relax your shoulders again. Open your eyes.

(((Hug.)))

Holding you up to the light, m'dear. Holding you up...

Hope things get better for you! Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Sending hugs your way! I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you but hang in there! We are Moms. We are strong. And we ROCK! No one can take that away from us!

When I'm feeling blue I sometimes I like to watch funny cat/dog/kid videos on YouTube. If nothing else sometimes it provides just a moment of escape when all you can thing about is crappy stuff.

**HUGS**

You are a passionate wonderful woman that is amazing and kind! Take some deep breathes as you move forward. Find some guided meditations that will help you move forward. Love yourself as much as you deserve to be loved. There is a youtube video by Matt Kahn called the "Love Revolution" It is totally worth a half hour to listen to. I'm sending love to you!