Blending a Family?

With this many changes, and the ages of the kids, I would involve them all in these decisions, to varying degrees. But that's how I parent. I agree with the "family conferences" idea. You can use this process as a way to help them learn more about cost/budget/options when it comes to buying a house. You can explain that no one will get everything they want here, not even the adults get that, but they need to feel heard, at least, as to their wishes.

You know your kids and what they are used to, but I see the 17 & 14 year-old sisters sharing a room. Curtains and room dividers can be creatively used to separate spaces. I shared a room with my sister until I was 18. Only if the 14 & 11 year-old already get on famously would I consider putting those two in one room. The boy needs his own space, no question. Another thing to consider is, do any of the children spend part of their time with another parent? This could complicate the decision, also.

I wouldn't use the "relate to each other" reason to put the kids in the same school. I had three siblings close in age and we mostly avoided each other in school, and I hated being compared. The school decision for me would be which school you feel will be the best fit for each of the kids. Some kids do great with more structure and some don't, some schools have different focuses, etc.

I wish you luck with this endeavor. If you don't already have a good family counselor, I would suggest having one at the ready. Having a neutral 3rd party can be so helpful, and isn't a sign of any kind of failure. "Blending" families is a long and difficult process. And the age of your children adds to that challenge.

Can you afford a four bedroom? I'm thinking 17 year old, boy, and 14 and 11 year olds together. 17 year old will only be there a year or two before moving on. And I'd give them a little say, but not all of the say. They already don't really have say in the marriage.

And I would not expect them to relate to each other at school. At all. I would let them choose the schools they are comfortable in. I know a lot of families where none of the kids are at school together.

I grew up as the second oldest of 5 kids (girl, girl, boy, boy, girl). I shared a room with either my older or younger sister until I was in 10th grade, and then I got my own room for a few months before we moved (military brat).

My parents did their best to give us our own rooms, but it was never expected. We had to share and it is what it is. Honestly, I think your girls, being blood sisters, should share...especially since the 17 year old will likely be moving in the next year or so anyways.

I wouldn't force his daughters to go to a private school if they don't wan to either.

Hi B.! I see you live in L.V. We used to live there and got out as fast as we could b/c of Clarke County's terrible school system. That is awesome that your kids' grandparents are paying for a private school, and that your and your fiancee will be able to pay for private school for his kids!!!!! Do NOT send his kids to public school there! His kids will just have to get used to their new private school. At least they will be getting an excellent education, which is most important!

Don't involve the kids while house hunting. You and your fiancee will buy the biggest house for the money that you possibly can in a nice neighborhood, I'm sure. You two will do your best. This is a huge decision, and not up to the kids. Best wishes with your blended family, buying a house, sending his kids to your kids' private school, and your pending nuptials! Wow, you have a lot going on!

Unless your daughters are currently sharing a room I think it is mandatory that you find a house with 5 bedrooms or 4 bedrooms and a study that can be converted to a bedroom.

His son must have his own room since he is the only boy. Additionally, I think if your girls are used to having their own rooms it would really be lousy to make them share now or make your 14 year old share with an 11 yo. Bottom line...each child needs their own space.

Re: schools...With the differences in ages would the kids all be in the same school anyway? I would think your 17 yo is in HS and the 11 yo is in middle school. I think his kids should have a say in the school they attend.

your daughters should share a big room, and his kids each get small ones to themselves. it might involve you and your husband having a smaller room until your 17 year old moves out. if you get a house with a den or office, that can serve as a bedroom for one of the younger kids. sharing rooms is just a fact of life. only in america do kids demand and expect their own rooms.
i would not accept 'demands' vis a vis the house itself, but i would have family powwows to collect ideas and requests. keep it very clear that you and your fiance will have the final say, but that all reasonable suggestions will be considered. keep the boundaries loving but firm.
we took our kids house-hunting with us at least some of the time. try it and see how it goes. if it turns into a snitfest, then don't let them come any more.
you're not going to force the kids into camaraderie by making them go to the same school. that being said, since they're going to have to adjust to a new school anyway, it's certainly worth a shot to send them all together. what do his kids think about it? maybe tell them you guys want them to try it, but that you'll be open to discussion (not certainty!) if they really really hate it.
good luck on your upcoming wedding and new family.
:) khairete
S.

Hi B.,

Blending a family is never easy. Emotions run high, and toes are stepped on so you just have to expect that going into it.

I don't think you should get much input from the kids at all. I think taking them house shopping is a bad idea. They will all have differing opinions and at the end of the day, who is paying the mortgage?

You will need a 4 bedroom home for a group like that. Your two daughters need to have a large bedroom to share. They are biological sisters. Your fiance's kids should each have their own rooms since they are opposite gender.

As for schools, keep things how they are. If your girls are in private school and they're happy and it's paid for, don't upset the apple cart and make them switch to public school. If your future stepkids don't want to go to private school, let them go to public school. They all don't have to go to the same school. They wouldn't interact with each other anyway since they'd each have their own friends. Do things as a family in the evenings and on weekends to help them connect.

Best of luck!

Going to the same school will not unite the kids. When hubby and I married and his son came to live with us our two boys never went to the same school. My bio-son went to public highschool and my other son is in private high school.

I agree with others on the room assignments being your two girls share a room or you could put the 14 and 11 year old in the same room until the 17 year old goes off to college.

The kids DO NOT get a say on the house because they won't be paying for the house and as others have said you and your soon to be hubby will be living in the house without them before you know it.

Hubby and I moved into a house I own. We gave the boys the biggest bedroom and we have the smallest bedroom. We love this arrangement and they do too. Our bedroom is a love nest if ever there was one. Definitely our tastes. LOL.

Congrats on the future. While you search for a house try to find out things like neighborhoods, schools, and activities for your kids that would impact them and pick for them based on these things but get the best house you can afford to meet your needs. Not just needs of today but needs of tomorrow.

Congrats on the upcoming wedding/marriage :). Blending a family is tough. I've done it a bit, and by NO MEANs am an expert. The key thing is that you and your husband make decisions together - not always agree, but ultimately come to an agreement. As far as the house, you and he are paying, you decide. Including the kids will just end up with someone feeling slighted. Regarding schools, do what is best for the kids. which might be leaving them where they are. Private and public - and that's ok. Good luck to you.

They don't really get to have a demand-level opinion on house features. Your home is not run by kids and they don't pay the bills. It's fine for them to say what they would like, but they need to know that at the end of the day you have a budget and they shouldn't be super serious about getting a game room or having five bathrooms.

You need a minimum of 3 bedrooms and one of those rooms needs to be very large. The three girls get the 'master' bedroom to share. You and your husband take the second largest, and his son gets the third room to himself. Four rooms would be better, giving the 17 year old her space.

He needs to talk to his kids about private vs public and get their input. Either way, it will be a new school so they may choose to attend with yours. Adapting to new times isn't a big deal. Kids here have to do it when they switch from elementary to middle school because middle starts more than an hour earlier.

As for schools, let the kids decide, for the house, that is entirely up to you and your BF. You need to keep in mind that you will be living in this house long after the kids have moved out.

As for rooms, I would try to find a 4 bedroom if I could, or a 3 with an extra room like a den that could be converted. The boy and the oldest girl get their own room, the 11 and 14 year olds share (and get the largest of the bedrooms not counting the master). Once the 17 year old moves out then the two girls can have their own rooms. I would at that point give the boy the option of moving into the biggest room (and letting them choose by age).

The kids are trying to exert control over a life that is going to change, and they are understandably nervous about this new arrangement. Even if they are excited in some ways, it's an adjustment.

No, they don't get to pick the house. There are way too many variables. Don't take them with you when you house-hunt. It's okay (and a good idea) to discuss with them the types of things adults review and consider when buying a house: price, taxes, location, insurance, maintenance, etc. Then they'll all want new furniture and a bedroom of their own, plus a pool and a private bathroom - what kid wouldn't? You let them know you've heard their requests and wishes, you can get them to put things in priority order so you know their values, but then you make it very clear up front that nobody's getting everything on their list. It's also an adjustment for you and your fiancé, and the kids have to respect that too.

You've also got private school tuition to consider (whether or not it's paid for by someone else), combined food bills, activity fees for kids in public school, uniforms and everything else. If you want all the kids to go to school together in order to bond, then 2 kids will be making a big adjustment and 2 kids will not (if they stay in the same school). So extra consideration has to go to his kids. But if your kids learn that you feel their school has higher standards and the new step-siblings are going to "have it easier", that's a recipe for conflict. So figure out how to nip that in the bud!

His kids would have to have separate rooms - the boy gets his own room because he's the only boy, and it has to be the smallest room in the house. The 17 year old probably only has 1-2 years left in the house, so she could get her own room with the understanding that 1 of the 2 younger girls will get that room when the 17 year old graduates. Or, your 2 girls could room together since they know each other a whole lot better, and the younger one will get her own room when the oldest graduates. Compensate them in some way - those who share a room get the largest room and maybe get a little more of a decorating budget. There are, for example, screens that help divide space so each kid has some privacy. Get some decorating magazines from the library or put them to work researching it themselves - but everything has to be budget-friendly.

Another way to go is small bedrooms and a large family room or media room, or a basement that can be a hang-out for kids and friends. They don't spend a lot of time in their bedrooms anyway. So everyone makes compromises.

You COULD involve the kids in furnishing a great room or a game room, and give them some freedom there. Not complete freedom, mind you - but some say in it. It can be a bonding experience and help them feel that this new home belongs to all of them equally. And they can all learn to shop via Craigslist or yard sales and flea markets.

Finally, take some time to maybe get some family counseling on how to blend these 2 groups, and learn strategies to let each family still have its own identity (him with his kids, you with yours). If you and your fiancé plan to get married soon, then you'll be involving the kids in wedding plans as well. It's a lot. I have 2 stepdaughters and we did not involve them in the house selection but they were part of the wedding (we all walked down the aisle together, my husband wrote special vows about family being about chemistry and not just biology, and so on).

Good luck! Life's a journey even if there are bumps in the road!

they shouldnt be forced into school together to bond, they should go to whatever school will benifit them most. i assume his kids mom has a say as well?

as for house hunting you and your fiancee should look at ones you can afford and evluate sleeping sittuations and so on, and then bring them in on the final dcision, but its ultimately yours

At this age I think that you need to sit down and have a family conference.

Tell them the budget for the new house and how much a house like they want will cost. You might even have the laptop set up on possible houses so they can see just how much the house they want could cost. Bust their bubble by it being out of your hands...that way it's not you saying no, it's the house saying no.

As for bedrooms. You seriously need the kids to have input on this. I would buy a large mobile home and put it on my own land. You can get a huge 4 bedroom 3 bathroom home for under $100K new. Land and house could be less than $700 per month if you have a good down payment. Solitaires this size are just over $100K in Oklahoma and surrounding states and they are solid construction, built like a house. Many mobile homes are built a lot more solid nowadays.

There is no way the boy is going to share a bedroom with a girl, that's absurd. The girls, if the room is super huge, can share a single room. They each need space that is totally theirs where they can go to be alone. I'd ask them how they feel about rooming together. If they are adamant they are not going to share a room with a step sister then you are going to have to compromise. I'd only look at houses with more bedrooms and enough bathrooms. I could always remodel it and upgrade it.

If you were living in my house. The boy would have his own room and his own bathroom. The girls would have 2 bedrooms with a jack and jill bathroom between them. Mom and dad would have master suite with master bathroom and study off the bedroom.

I know several people who've lived in Las Vegas on the edge of town and they had nice larger homes that didn't cost a lot. My friend had 4 kids and had a 4 bedroom mobile home.

I think that you can find a house that suites the basic needs without problems.