Been Together 20 Years and Thinking About Divorce

Don't do it. The grass is always greener on the other side. While divorce may be common, it is devestating. I believe that vows should be taken very seriously or not at all. You love this man-- try EVERYthing. There are bumps in every marriage, but that doesn't mean every marriage should end in divorce. This is a choice-- the biggest one you'll likely ever make. We are ALL imperfect beings-- and the next man you meet will be imperfect as well. Just think about it.

wow...he seems to be taking care of you. He is a stay at home Dad, and you are not appreciative at all. You sound like the reverse of a Man..My wife is a stay at home mom...she cleans, ect, but she doesnt understand me..I have moved on....please...when is the last time you said thank you and take a look at what he is doing with new eyes... I too have a husband that is the best father, cook, laundry man ect..and at one time I thought we had nothing in common...we have been together 30 years...we are both in great health (softball in common when we were young) Now I have a job, he has his shop. I started to notice we we just sleeping and going to work..doing some things together, but really no dancing, dinning or traveling..
So i started to compliment him for just little things...oops gotta go back to work I will finish later if you would like...

Try counciling you need an outside person to let him know he need so suport you emotionally he plays wife you play husband get to gether good luck we have been married 61 years some ups and downs but we love eacher and that good enough for us A. no hills

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TRY COUNCILING YOU NEED AN OUTSIDE PERSON TO LET HIM KNOW HE NEED SO SUPORT YOU EMOTIONALLY HE PLAYS WIFE YOU PLAY HUSBAND GET TO GETHER GOOD LUCK WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 61 YEARS SOME UPS AND DOWNS BUT WE LOVE EACHER AND THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US A. NO HILLS

Let me ask you this, If you did divorce him and he found a women right away that loved him appreciated all the great things he has to offer would you be jealous and/or 2nd guessing your decision. I ask you this because your husband sounds like a real catch to me and someone that great will not stay "in the market" for very long. No relationship is perfect and if/when you do leave him you will see that. There's always something, but you outway the good with the bad. After 20 years it's okay to do things by yourself like taking classes, getting a new career and having a social life w/o your husband. Your lucky to be able to do all of those things and come home to a clean house and kids that our taken care of. I'm jealous, your very fortunate.

I think to divorce a man that you still love and is good to you and willing to make changes is very foolish. You will never get the 100 percent in your husband. You ever heard of the 80/20 rule?? Don't leave the 80 for the 20... Life is not a fairytale, Marriage is about being realistic. Sometimes women need to teach a man how to be loveable and expressive. If those words are coming out of his mouth than that is what's in his heart, so why don't you bring in out of him. If you leave him, someone else will get all of that love from him that was meant for you. And you just might look back and wish you never left him. ((Living testimony))

I know there are many answers here that I did not read. I divorced a man I loved. I suppose I still love him. I married a man who I also love (some might say is that possible?) and who has helped me raise my children. And I do not know what the other people wrote but unless there is a terrible circumstance in your life ( was in mine ) I suggest you stay with him. Or be on your own. The grass is not greener. It is only different. There are still problems in life. Part of life is changing. We are not there to assess if someone else changes. Only us. If he is the same that is his life, not yours. You grew and he did not. I recently had cancer and am fine now, but I did a lot of thinking. If you want to be married with someone, that someone will seem different no matter who it is. Flowers get older, look beautiful and fade then fall apart. So goes it with human beings. We will eventually die. If you think you are missing something in life you will go after what you think you are missing. But truthfully, we have everything at home. It is inside of us. Nowhere else.

Please do not be offended, my words may be harsh.
It saddens me to read this. This June I will have been with my husband for 21 years and I can not imagine my life without him.
Marriage is a 2 way street. You list the things that you want and are not getting. Are you sitting there waiting for them to drop in your lap or are you pursuing them? You went after you career, you went after a social life, you went after "self discovery". . . . .but when did you go after your marriage????
I learned a long time ago that you can not change the person you are with, you can only change yourself. What have you done to change yourself so so you can do your part and obtain the things your marriage is lacking?
When is the last time you put your kids to bed and sat down with a glass of wine and talked to your husband?
Divorce is the easy way out. It is a life altering decision that effects both people and devastates the children. If you are not being abused and he is not cheating on you, why on earth would you even consider it?
Here are some suggestions. Please consider them before ruining your childrens lives:
Counseling private and couples
Get the book "101 nights of Romance" by Linda Korn
Make a mandatory date night once a week or once every two weeks
Reduce your work load so so can concentrate on what is truly important (like your marriage)
Both of you make a list of things you need from the marriage and discuss how you both can meet the needs of the other.

I am a SAHM. If your husband does the things you say he does, he is probably exhausted by the time the kids go to bed. My suggestion - get home early, help him clean up from dinner and get the kids to bed and then he probably wont be so tired and the two of you can spend some quality time together!

even if you get divorced.... it does not mean that you will attain those kinds of feelings, with someone else. Or it could be worse. Many men, are not as 'caring' as your Husband.
I guess maybe you are just feeling 'bored' with him and your life... perhaps.
So DISCERN what you are really feeling... and possibly because he is a stay-at-home Dad, you don't feel equitable with him. Emotionally.
So discern that as well.... because, he is a good man it seems.

Work on it.
Go to counseling.
Fathom yourself.
He is willing....
maybe he just does not know how... and maybe your 'concerns' makes him feel inadequate and demoralized. And a demoralized man... 'cannot' please his wife. ever.

Next, if you have un-fillable needs... it will never be filled. No matter who the man is. I'm sure even Brad Pitt in private, is not a Super-Hero partner.

It seems, you feel he is lower than you and not a 'man.' Therein, to me, lies the "problem." Thus, your emotions are wavering.
Fathom yourself....

You still love him... just not the 'image' you have about what a man 'should' be and what he is, not. You see what he is 'not'... and it ridicules him. Behind his back. I'm sure he can feel the vibes.

Discern... what is real and what is not. Your needs is what most women want... and sometimes they have it already, but don't notice. Or they want so much that their partner can never fulfill it.... and thus, the man becomes demure and 2nd rate, and non-expressive, because being themselves, only backfires and they are not truly appreciated. Either.
Can your Husband truly be himself...??? Or is he having to chase your ideals? He needs to be able to be himself too. Any Spouse needs that. Not to feel inadequate all the time.
Next, if he is unhappy all the time as a result of your 'expectations' for the past 3 years... well, what if he finds another woman who appreciates him? Because he is not getting it at home.
It seems, he has been putting up with a LOT, the past 3 years... as you have been talking about what "you" want in life.
What about him?
He seems to make a lot of sacrifices, for you, and the family.
And I think personally, that he does not express himself anymore, because it gets him nowhere.

Its like someone who wants to be told all the time "I love you" by their partner. But they are told that. But when they are told that they always are not satisfied because it is not told to them like how it is in the movies... it is not told to them like how they think it should, it is not told to them in the right tone of voice or at the right time, it is not told to them in the perfect inflections that they think it should, it is not told to them, ever... perfectly enough. Thus they don't notice. Thus, even if they were told "I love you" a MILLION times in a day, it would never be enough and then the other partner just gives up saying it. Because it is futile. Because the other person is never satisfied, enough.

Then the thing I do know is: any human/partner, just NEEDS to know and feel, that they are 'accepted' for who they are... unconditionally. If not, they give up. Maybe sooner or later, your Husband will give up, if he has not already. Chasing a rainbow can never be caught. He cannot fulfill you. That is a hard reality, for a man and Husband.
What are HIS interests and feelings? He seems to take care of everything including the neighbors. That takes a lot of 'character.' To me, he does do a lot for you.... caring for you, about you. Immeasurably. Not many men, are like that. And you love him. See him for who and what he is. I don't think he feels ever that you, his spouse, is 'proud' of him. A man needs that.

How would you feel... if the tables were turned? And you were him?

all the best,
Susan

G.:

WOW!! This is a hard situation to be in.

What you and your husband need is common ground again. Have you thought about being the W. HE NEEDS? This isn't just a one-way street. He's stayed home to care for the kids so you could live your dream.

You want passion?! Create it!! Don't just expect your husband to do all the work. TAKE HIM OUT. Get a sitter and woo him. Have you thought that MAYBE you are making it impossible for him to be that man?

You ARE being taken care of. He cooks and cleans for you? WOW!! My husband cooks once in a while and cleaning? PAAHLEASE!!

Have you thought about how your journey has affected him and your children? Have you thought about how YOUR changes have affected those around you?

In order to get what you want in life - you have to BE what you want. You want passion? Bring it to the table. Don't sit back and TALK about it. DO IT. Are you really ready to walk away from love that has been there for 20 years? Take a step back and look at things. Make a list of pros and cons. Ask yourself are you better off without him? If the answer is YES - then move on - but keep in mind - the grass is NOT always greener. These changes you have made in your life have affected all around you. I'm sure you've even changed the people you hang out with. It's almost like becoming a movie star and leaving your old friends behind for your new ones - then the shine falls off the star and those friends will be falling just as fast as they came in.

Take an inventory of your life. Be thankful for what you have. You want that security - you have it, you are just blinded by the new changes in your life and "feel" that it isn't enough. Just because he doesn't earn a paycheck, he's doing something that no amount of money can be charged - he's loving you, your children and family - he's caring for you, your children and family. Not many women have that. Many women have self-serving men who want to earn a paycheck, play golf, go out with the guys and want that trophy wife.

YOU have been responsible for bringing in the bacon - you have been responsible for the family's financial security - you want that to change? Then you need to find out if HE wants to go back to work. Communication is KEY - however it's not a one-way conversation - it's not just what YOU want - it's what you BOTH want. LISTEN TO HIM TOO. Maybe he doesn't express himself to you because you are belittling him - knowingly or unknowingly - you would be surprised by body language and eye contact will say more than words do. Have you stopped to think he doesn't respond to when you are happy or sad because you have changed directions over the last 3 years and he doesn't know WHAT to say? It's hard to be there for someone who's closed themselves off to others - you may not think you have - but I'm almost positive you have - it's all about you and now he doesn't know how to communicate with you and maybe when he does you cut him off and say WHAT ABOUT ME? You are focused on you and only you - your needs, wants and desires.

Think long and hard before you make any life-altering decisions. Be sure you are LISTENING to him not just giving him face-time.

Wow. I really needed to read this and all the reponses.
This is what I have read about called "ripening". It is when woman reaches a stage in her life and looks around her, questioning where she has been and where she is going.
Stop for a minute.
You sound like you've been very lucky and successful in your business and social arenas. That if you just put forth a little effort you can have whatever you want. That's a powerful feeling. That's great.
Relationships are a different ball game, however.
You say you want to know when you are weak you will be taken care of - but do you ever let him see when you are truly weak? Do you ever let your guard down and just open yourself up to him as a woman. Let him be the giver and you receive from him graciously, appreciatively...that makes a man feel fantastic.
It sounds like you have a man who is dedicated to you completely.
You have forgotten how special that is. He sounds like a keeper to me.
Thank you again. You've reminded me of how wonderful my own husband is and how much I need to appreciate him.
Good luck.
I say hang in there and open up to him.

I would add to what the others have said, by reminding you that your children are learning by watching how you live your life. It will be a valuable life lesson in love and marriage if you take the advice many of the wise women here have given you, rather than bowing out because the marriage isn't meeting your current criteria. Love is a choice and marriage is a commitment. Everyone grows and changes during their life, and that's what makes marriage/love hard, but rewarding, work.

Your path to your new found "self discovery" is not yet over. What you're being challenged with now is the task of loving your husband wholeheartedly and putting your "desires" second. Believe it or not, this will bring you much greater joy, peace, and strength than you could ever imagine. You made a commitment to your husband twenty years ago. You have two kids and it sounds like a really enviable life. How often do you think about what your husband's desires are? Do you know and do what would make him feel loved, valued, esteemed? My husband is very "private" also, and frankly, verbally abusive and cruel at times. Divorce for me in not an option. So, as I cried out to God again and again for help, God gave me a supernatural love and delight in loving my husband that was amazing and pleasurable and satisfying in every way. My husband then began to change and was much nicer. It felt good to have him more responsive and caring towards me. But you know what was incredible to discover? His positive changes toward me did not feel nearly as good as the love and care that I expressed toward him. Please don't end this marriage without first really considering and pursuing tangible, perhaps sacrificial ways to really love and care for you husband. God bless you.

I almost never think that divorce is the answer, unless someone is being abused or cheated on...and that surely isn't the case here!

I like what someone said below...when did you "go after" your marriage? Having a good marriage doesn't just "happen", just like your career and all the other things you enjoy didn't just "happen". I think we often (mistakenly) assume that our marriages should just naturally grow over time, but that will never happen if we do not feed them. Don't throw away your marriage - FEED IT!

Spend time telling him how much you appreciate all the things he does for your family. SHOW him how you love him.

You are the breadwinner...he may feel a little less like the "hunter/provider" ...could this be the source of some of his quietness?

Check out the book "Your Spouse Isn't the Person You Married" by Paul and Teri Reisser. I haven't read it yet, but I heard a 2 day radio program where they were interviewed about it, and it sounds like it's exactly what you need!
Please, stay with your husband. Don't only do it for your children... change your marriage for you!

R.

If this situation was turned around, and it was your husband who grew and changed and was thinking of divorcing you - I wonder how many Mamas out there would be calling him a selfish ingrate who is finished using you and now wants to throw you away. Have you considered that some of the credit for your success lies with your husband for being there for you? There are lots of ways of looking at this. Try marriage counseling. There are women who love their man despite the guy being on a self destructive path (booze, women, drugs, gambling, etc). They leave for the sake of the kids. Your marriage doesn't sound like this at all. Leaving for the sake of leaving just sounds rather (sorry) lame.

I think you got it good and you don't know it yet.
The grass is not greener on the other side.

Everyone has already said most of what I think about this - grass not greener, you have a real catch, etc - but one thing is still to be considered. Why don't you go ahead and hire someone to do what he does? Get a nanny/housekeeper so you don't view him in some subservient "helper" role. This sounds like an emotional deal-breaker to me. Not that his contribution is not valuable, but that you do not value it. Let's be honest - whether you've verbalized it or not, he knows you feel that way. How deflating! The number one rule of men is that they like to feel successful. They respond much better to positive reinforcement and doing a good job at making you happy than they do to criticism and complaints about what is lacking. Change your emphasis and response to him, and he may change his "private" ways when he starts to feel good about your reaction to him.

I feel strongly about this, and I don't even know you. WHERE has the VOWS, union, SACREDNESS, respect, and did I mention VOWS of marriage gone?!?!? And this isn't for you, but also countless others who divorce NOT for extreme issues. He is you LIFE PARTNER, your other half, you made a UNION. Have some respect for yourself and marriage- that goes for all who give up on it. Marriage wasn't created to be thrown away easily.

-from a daughter who's parent's divorced because her father was MASSIVELY physically, verbally and mentally abusive to his family- in other words, divorced for a real reason.

Sounds like you need some couples counseling to incite the romance and appreciation back in your lives. In all honesty, it appears like you are being selfish and lazy about not wanting to work on small things that happen when two people become complacent, which is extremely normal. You need him to sweep you off your feet again, but are you doing that for him either? You both need to challange yourselves to focus back on each other. I am all for divorce in most cases I hear about, but this mid-life crisis scenario, in my opinion, isn't one of them.

Maybe visiting some of these links on "how to rekindle a marraige" and reviewing them together will help get that boost, that you, and most likely he needs as well.

http://tinyurl.com/269xs65

and ps, if you do divorce him, send me his number, I know several single ladies that would love him.

G., Congratulations on you finding your path to growth and discovery - it should be a lifelong adventure. WRT the rest of your post, I agree with Laura C (I honestly only read 2 responses, stopping when I read Laura's). I personally believe that, as a woman, it is my responsibility to teach my husband how to love me, what it means to me for him to love me. Now, I am not bossing him around, dictating his every move or emotion when he is with me; I am treating him with love, respect, admiration, gentleness, silliness, etc. My husband knows I genuinely cherish him. All this opens the door for him to treat me the same. I work very hard to create an environment that allows my husband to feel happy. He is safe expressing all his emotions, thoughts, dreams. I look for the ways he is loving me in his own way - and I am thankful! It is simple things - a kiss and a smile when either of us come home at the end of the day, an extra hug before we fall asleep, cooking a week's worth of dinners together on Sunday while we are also trying to watch football games...easy, everyday stuff, with a little extra attention here and there. I feel great about the way I treat my husband, and that makes me happier. And when a husband sees a happy, smiling wife, he can't help but to smile and feel good, and it becomes a wonderful circle!
Talk with him, talk with yourself, seek counseling. Peace to both of you! B.

Stay.
Work harder on your relationship. You have a great guy that is doing amazing things. He's consistant and you want him to change? On top of that, to punctuate the divorce on your anniversary? Cruel.
To me it's like getting a dog for a pet, feeding and loving it... going for walks, teaching him tricks. Then one day you look at the dog and say, "I don't love you anymore, I don't want to walk with you, I'm bored of feeding you, you have learned all the tricks...I'm going to get rid of you, and buy a cat!"
I wonder if YOU are fulfilling all HIS dreams. Is HIS life everything HE wants. Maybe YOU should invest in HIS spirit and he will be able to perform up to YOUR expectations.
Really hope this helps...FYI I have been with my hubby for 20 years this October too.
A.

Take it from someone who has been married for44 years and thought about what you are , but reality came to me and made me relize that we both loved each other more than anything in life. We just needed to talk it out and realy talk not just say all is well go away for a few days together and begin to relize how much love realy is there kids will take a tool on a marriage belive each couple need time together alone

if you still feel love for him then it sounds like there is hope for your relationship. Marriage is hard work, full of good seasons and bad. A book that really helped my husband and I was "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich, the website is http://www.loveandrespect.com/ It discusses needs, how to communciate them and provide them for each other. A GREAT RESOURCE FOR MARRIAGE. Sometimes, taking that small step towards change can give us enough hope to keeping moving towards the relationship we really want (and can have!)

Sometimes we really need to stand and take a look at ourselves. Do you realize that you overshadow this man? I don't mean this is a negative way at all. You sound like you are a very productive individual. You were with the man for over 5 years before you married him. You probably saw a few things that were pretty fantastic. Maybe you need to look at things in a different light. He cooks and cleans-I think that maybe in his own way he is taking care of you. I am by far not a domestic goddess and I would think this would be great to find someone like that. A good relationship fits together like a puzzle. He is the parts that you aren't. My sister is very unhappy with her husband. He is a very quiet, intelligent man who cooks. I think my sister should just step back and take a look at herself. I have been married twice and if I though either marriage was able to be saved I would have sure given it a try. Sometimes a person does not appreciate the best until they have experienced the worst!! It was a hard lesson to learn but I feel very strong and I am ready for the best. I think people that start out with the best often times overlook the positive. You didn't mention anything about sex but maybe that is the passion who are talking about. That is something you can work on. Take a cruise, put the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door and try to reconnect. Sex really isn't much fun unless you are happy and satisfied with yourself. Maybe you two need to start connecting and show each other how to be happy. If you want him to take care of you then be vulnerable. Cry on his shoulder. It is your life and I can not judge since I am not walking in your shoes. I am just trying to give you something thought provoking. I am not in love with either of the idiots I was married to. I just want you to see how I said IDIOTS.

have you tried couples therapy?
You are not perfect, and the hardest part will be finding what you do that is wrong. How many men have exactly what you have, and look over the fence at greener pastures? As a housewife what you wrote irked me. Seriously, staying home is NOT fun. You go out and get to talk to other grown ups-he does laundry. and you want support. what do you think he needs?

G., passion comes and goes, romance comes and goes, you might be in a long slump now but I would say, try to revive romance and passion because honestly, if you leave that wonderful husband of yours (who seems to be taking care of everything, including you, maybe not in the way you want to be taken care of?) all you'll find is another relationship that will eventually be more friendship than romance...that's a good relationship, believe me, I've lived thru passion and caring love and I choose caring love every time.

hang in there and try to talk to your husband about all this, maybe go for some counseling...

There was something in Simple Magazine awhile ago that I clipped and taped up onto our fridge. My eyes go to it every time I open the fridge, and it makes me smile. It really spoke to me. (I've been married for 13 years; we've been together for 17.)

It says:

What is the Secret to a Good Marriage?
We choose to stay in love. We have traversed parenting, careers, finances, the loss of a pregnancy and loved ones, and fussing over whose turn it is to cook breakfast. He watches Pride and Prejudice for me, and I watch Ultimate Fighting Championship for him. We've changed, but we still choose each other.

I have never been divorced, but I think the problem is the role reversal. Although women can be the breadwinners for the family, this role is for the man. Hate me if you want but I think that the only reason divorce has been thought of is because your husband is not filling this role and so he has become weak in your eyes. He is taking over the role of the women in your house. I think that if your roles in the household were reversed, divorce wouldn't be thought of.
In case you're wondering, I fully believe that men/women each have a specific role, and that when these roles are reversed, although they say they're happy, deep inside they yearn for their natural roles. You may not want to admit it, but maybe you "wearing the pants" in the family isn't all that attractive to your husband. I'd try being more feminine and treat your husband like a man. Maybe then you'll get the romance you seek.

I also am the main breadwinner in my household; and i find myself increasingly attracted to men who "take care of" things...I guess I am so tired of the responsibility though I always wanted a career. But then I see my niece whose husband has a whopping job, but no time for the kids, no appreciation for what she does, etc. So do what you can to make this work before you bail...someone else isn't going to be perfect either.

Updated

I also am the main breadwinner in my household; and i find myself increasingly attracted to men who "take care of" things...I guess I am so tired of the responsibility though I always wanted a career. But then I see my niece whose husband has a whopping job, but no time for the kids, no appreciation for what she does, etc. So do what you can to make this work before you bail...someone else isn't going to be perfect either.

The one thing I didn't see in your post is sex. You said you need "passion and romance" - are you getting any? And I don't care what other posters say - if sex is important to you, then it is. Maybe I'm reading too much into your post, but I think that's probably a big part of what the problem is.

You seem to dismiss sleeping with someone other than your husband out of hand. I am NOT recommending that you cheat. I am suggesting that if sex is really the issue, be honest with your husband about that and see if he would be open to you meeting your needs elsewhere. Perhaps that would be preferable to a divorce. Check out Dan Savage's column in "The Slog;" you aren't alone. Sex is important, and starting a new sexual relationship can make you feel all the things that you want to feel, and may also make you appreciate your husband way more. But maybe not. Just an idea.

That's my supportive piece. Here's my honest truth piece. You also wrote "I want someone to take care of me." Guess what? He's doing that. He might not be doing it exactly the way you envision in your head, but he cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids. He's taking care of the life that you've made together. Why doesn't he say anything when you're sad? Are you telling him what you need? He cannot read your mind. He couldn't when you got married and he really can't now. You're idealizing that other person out there. No one is perfect.

Finally, my guess is that you're imagining a more "glamorous" life than the one you have now. Maybe you'd get it. But what about the time in between? When you're alone, visiting your kids every few days, no dates, no clear prospects. If your marriage is bad, then these things are worth it. If your marriage is fine, I think these things would be very depressing. My father, jokingly, said to me after I had my second son "you better hold on to <your husband> - single woman, two kids, you are not a catch." He was totally kidding, but there is some truth to that. Everyone deserves happiness, but not everyone gets it. If you can make yourself happy with what you got, I'd make it work.

Good luck.

It can be so hard when you feel alone and not protected by the love of your life. Each event that happens - big or small- just adds to the sadness of being disappointed.

It would be so sad to throw away your marriage when you clearly have so much good there already and just need some help to get it to awesome.

We have a wonderful married's ministry at church that helps couples even when there are not major issues. Just like it 'takes a village to raise a child'…we all need help at times with our marriages to make them great.

Given the fact you love your husband and he loves you…have you tried counseling with another married couple? The reason I ask is when you have a couple who has a solid foundation and relationship , the wife can help him understand where you as a wife are coming from without it being accusatory, emotional , etc but the husband can help him understand as a husband where he needs to step up - without it being another woman taking the wife's side.

Let me know if you want more info as we have couples in our church in your area as well. ____@____.com

Sending love and hugs your way,
T.

I'm wondering that you want to divorce him, if you still love him. Marriage is not at first what I GET from my spouse, but what I can give. Do you know you can find that perfect spouse? Things might at first look like the other man can take care of you better, but after you're married it often can come to the same old thing. Have you done fun things together , just gone on vacation, just you two? Have you tried to do little things like writing little notes etc to refresh your marriage? Divorce is often a heart break. My husband was divorced before I met him and it always hard w/ the children, esp finacially. If he doesn't work you might have to support him? Have you thought about how that would make him feel? Have you talked about these things? I know these things are not easy, but divorce and another man are not the answer. We have a good marriage, but he is not perfect and does not fit all my expectations, so I have to go to God and let him fill my needs, bec he's the only one, that is perfect. A good movie about that subject is: Fireproof. Blessings

20 years is a lot to throw down the drain. People grow and change everyday but sounds like you haven't grown together. You married this man because you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, through thick and thin, hardships and great times. I agree with previous poster. The grass is always greener till you get there. Then you look back and see how bright it was shining where you just came from. But, who's to say. Maybe you are just wanting your freedom and are rebelling a bit. But do what makes you happy, just remember that some things you do can't be taken back. I'd rather you divorce a great man than eventually cheat on him behind his back. Really that's what it would come to when you get desperate enough.

It really kind of irritates when you say " I feel that I could hire someone to do what he does around here"...I am sure he does those things because he loves you. I hope my husband doesn't feel I am as throw away as that too..that he could just pay someone to do it.

My husband's x-wife did. You sound EXACTLY like her. She was looking for passion not just in the bedroom but about life in general. She isn't happy. She's been in many relationships including 3 marriages in the 10 years they have been divorced. Make a pro's and con's list. Make sure your con's are realistic...it can't be that he doesn't look like a movie star. It's MOST important that you tell him EXACTLY what you want. Men don't get our need for passion and romance. He may have no idea what you want even if he says he does. He may have no idea what to do in order to be what you want him to be. Tell him..I want you to send me flowers, I want you to tell me I'm wonderful, I want you to put your arm around me when I am sad and tell me you are sorry that I'm having a bad time even if you don't understand exactly why I'm upset, or whatever else you need. 20 years is a long time and dating sucks. Real communication can help your relationship! Go get Harville Hendricks (that's spelled wrong I know!) 'Finding the love you want' or anything else he writes about relationships. he's written books to be read together with your partner so you go thru the steps together. And by the way...you are not an idiot.

if you are still in love then stay with him..i'm a single mother..its very hard to find a good guy when you're single and have a child...i'm dating one now and i feel like i'm dating down compared to my life before..seems like all i meet are guys trying to get laid..gee what else is new?? but 20 years is a long time perhaps you're curious just be careful..if you are in love it would be sad to let that go b/c you think the grass may be greener..sometimes it is..but most of the time its not

xo

Updated

if you are still in love then stay with him..i'm a single mother..its very hard to find a good guy when you're single and have a child...i'm dating one now and i feel like i'm dating down compared to my life before..seems like all i meet are guys trying to get laid..gee what else is new?? but 20 years is a long time perhaps you're curious just be careful..if you are in love it would be sad to let that go b/c you think the grass may be greener..sometimes it is..but most of the time its not

xo

1. It sounds like your husband would like to be the man you "need" but doesn't know how. You're telling him what you want but he doesn't know how to do that or be that.
It might take counseling or books or something.
Take the time to figure out how to show him what you need so that he gets it. Think of it as a game.
2. Ask him what he needs-make him say it, I'm sure there are things he would like and you two can work together to make the life you are hoping for.
3. A good man is hard to find. Nobody out there is going to take care of you, they are taking care of themselves and it will just be more of you taking care of yourself.

Good Luck.

Dr Laura can give you guidance. You should toon into her website. You have to be your husbands girlfriend rather than his wife. You have the upper edge.

I divorced my first husband even though I was still in love with him. Yes, after seven years of trying to pull the passion from a rock and it slowly came to light that he was gay. Did my life get a lot easier after we split? Yes and No. It took me a long time to break the pattern of attracting the same kind of (passive) man enough to meet a man who did have leadership and passion. I had several proposals, but did not remarry for 8 years. It was an adventurous time and a lonely time, but I did grow a lot. Of course, I do not regret having left him. I would only caution about polarizing too much and thinking that this will be the end to all your problems regarding happiness. I also would ask myself the very hard question of what choice is best for your children. I wish you a passionate and happy life.

I know you asked for advice from those who were still in love but divorced anyway, but I just wanted to comment..

When you two married you were the person who fit perfectly with your husband. You found yourself on the path of "growth and self discovery" and changed to a woman that 20 years ago may not have fit perfectly with your husband.

Whatever you decide, let us know if you need more support. That's why we're all here.

Definitely go for counseling with him. Try to work this out first. Your story sounds like my Mother and Father - except my father worked full time as well. My mom wanted more but my dad was happy puttering around the house. My mom asked my dad to go to therapy and he said no. So she divorced him after 20 years when I was 18 and my brother was 15. It didn't matter that we were older, it was still really bad for us (mostly my brother). My Dad is doing all the things he should have done with my mother with his 2nd wife - so people can change. Give your husband the benefit and work with a counselor before you divorce him. You also have to think about this from a financial standpoint. Your husband doesn't work. You will have to pay him alimony for a long time plus child support. Is this something you can afford to do? The fact that your husband said he's willing to change is a huge thing.

Good luck! Hope this helps.

Someone else well grab him.
Is this
ok with you?

Hi G.,

I am suggesting you read a book called "The Five Love Languages". This could quite possibly be a simple fix. After I read the book and insisted my husband take the fun quiz at the end, it really opened both our eyes to the specific way we talk to eachother. I was simply not "telling" him enough, (ex. Thank you, I appreciate you, You work so hard for us.) And all he needed to do for me is give me a hug, or pinch my butt as he walks by.
Our love languages were different. Now that we know how to "speak" to one another our whole marraige has changed! And we're even having more sex, woohoo! So go for that first. He might be hesitant to read it but I had us do the quiz one night after a good meal and a couple of glasses of wine. Turned into a really fun night!
Good luck and congrats on all your personal growth. That's so important to always be moving forward!
Cheers
B. : )

Most men shut down when they're feeling stong emotions, because they can't handle them, don't know how to express them, and feel weak if they try. He will not react to things the way a sister or girlfriend would, or often even in a way that makes sense to you, because he's a guy.

My sister divorced her first husband because she felt the relationship was lacking passion. She also felt that she was making all of the important decisions; his input of, "Whatever you want, honey," struck her as weak. She started to have affairs, and be very open about it, as a test to see if he cared about her. When he remained very quiet and accommodating, saying, "I just want you to be happy," she decided that he really didn't care about her at all. She assumed that if he cared, he'd fly into jealous rages. She actually would have been happier if he'd screamed, broken things and called her names.

Fast forward 20 years. Her ex has been clinically depressed for most of his life, and is on antidepressants. He hasn't had a serious relationship since they broke up. He tells everyone that he knows he needs to move on, but he'll also admit that he never got over their breakup. One of her later relationships was with a man who she said swept her off her feet. She thought he was romantic, caring and strong, and said things like, "He takes such good care of me. I don't have to worry about anything." She now says she was lucky to get out of that relationship alive. He was not only controlling (traits that she first pegged as "taking care" of her), isolating and critical, but ended up being violent and abusive. She's with her current husband just for the sake of their kids, having given up on finding what she wants.

You say he does everything around the house and helps family and friends, but you also say that he doesn't take care of you. What is your definition of "taking care?" It seems that he's reliable and loyal, but you say you don't have a "solid, safe place." He tells you that he can be the man you need, but you don't feel he'll "catch you if you fall." That doesn't seem quite possible; those sentiments are very contradictory. What, exactly, are you expecting?

If you, or a friend, were a stay at home wife, would you think it was fair to have your (or her) husband say, "I feel I could hire someone to do what you do around here"?

You say that you've talked a lot about what you want - have you talked about what HE wants? There are two of you in the marriage. Are you trying as hard to be what he wants as you are expecting him to try to be what you want? Or is he very happy with what you have together, but you don't think that counts as much as what you want?

Men also need very specific, detailed requests. When you say you want "romance," what does that mean? Tell him exactly what you want, and why. Many women fall into the trap of thinking that, "It doesn't count if I have to ask," or, "If he loved me, he'd know what I need." He's not psychic; he can't read your mind. Even if your girlfriends would know exactly what you meant by words like "romance", don't assume that he will. He's a MAN. Does it mean him bringing home flowers? Does it mean dates to your favorite restaurant? Does it mean being wooed into bed? TELL him, in detail, or he won't know.

The grass is not always greener elsewhere. Expecting things to be the same way they were when you were younger is unrealistic. "Passion" is generally a "FALLING in love" thing, not a "BEING in love, long term" thing. Having to work at a relationship does not mean that the relationship is wrong.

I wish you the best.

Something no one has mentioned much of in their posts (I read about the first 10) is the effect it will have on your kids. And, if you think b/c your kids are "older" (I'm guessing early teens?), that they will be ok, they won't. Watch the movie "It's Complicated" to see how even adult children are so affected by divorce. My hubby and I just watched it, and although there are some really funny scenes in it, what really stood out to us was the kids' confusion over their parents' relationship, and the true longing to still be together as a family unit, even after 10 years of their parents being divorced. I agree w/ many others that say to get some counselling and really work at your marriage like you've worked at other things. Don't give up yet & good luck, I truly wish you and your family the best in this tricky situation.

If you still love him, work on your relationship thru therapy. He probally doesnt know how to express himself or show passion the way you want. Show him, dont just say it, because that wont work. Good luck!

it may be curtains for this marriage, but i don't think you're there yet. have you tried counseling? couples retreats? role playing? you don't want to end this until you are SURE it's over. sounds to me as if this is a fire that has at least a chance to rekindle.
good luck!
khairete
S.

i cant' imagine why you would divorce someone you love who obviously loves you a ton and sounds like a great guy? you really think you're going to find someone better, especially that long list of desires in life? keep a good thing girl. its not greener on the other side.

Shame to all those fairy tales and princess stories! They sit in our subconscious telling us that we should always want more passion, more romance, etc.

I had these same concerns with my hubby. He's passive, private, easy-going, confident. I'm not.. in fact, i'm quite the opposite. I wanted to be a corporate hot shot who could come home and be held at night. Well, I changed and can better accept who he and I are. I can see what he offers my life and what I contribute. There is no "perfect," there is reality. So we make the best of it. This maturity benefitted me as a wife, mother, friend, individual.

Have you and your hubby ever struggled with something, such as a health issue? You may see the other side of him if you guys go through something difficult. Fortunate for you, he's probably the exact kind of partner you will want next to you in those times... sensitive, calm. He's stronger than you realize. Recently, I had a health scare. My hubby was protective in a way I never saw before this whole thing. It helped that I admitted that I was weak and scared. If I'm too busy being it all for everyone, he doesn't know how to step in. But I gave him a chance by being honest and vulnerable.

I totally agree with previous posters that the grass is not always greener on the other side. You may find that the most romantic, passionate, inspired guy is a slob. Or he thinks that you should give up your business and cater to him. Or he won't love your children. Who knows? It's quite a gamble when it sounds like you have it pretty good already.

If something is missing, allow your man to be that for you, or find it within yourself to fill in the gap.

It sounds like you have the foundation for a wonderful, long-lasting marriage. What are you doing to make sure that your needs are met? Are you offering up spontaneity and sensuality and being shot down or are you waiting for him to fill your cup? Don't just tell him what you need, SHOW him. Yes, you can love him and divorce him but I would ask yourself WHY? Take a long, honest look at your life and what it would be if you were without your husband, father to your children, best friend, chef, handyman, cleaning service, ect. It sounds to me like you have what so many people long for, be grateful for it and do whatever it takes to preserve it!

it seems like you are giving up without making an effort to save the relationship. i understand your concerns about his behavior and i know you said that 2 years he hasn't made any changes but a relationship (specially a great one) takes alot of effort. change doesn't happen over night, it might take months or years, but you have to be OK with that and be willing to work at it. there was alot of things that my husband and i were going through very similar to yours, our lives seemed to be taking very very opposite directions and i wanted to leave him, every time we would fight or that i would think about him i would think to myself what am i doing with this person i seem to not have much in common, but i knew i loved him and that i was being selfish, so i changed my way of thinking, i knew that i loved him and that there was no other man for me and that no matter what we were gonna be together, i accepted him, i accepted the fact that things weren't always gonna be good that we weren't gonna have many things in common and i was OK with that. now the only thing that was left to do was fix the problems that we had like communication, i expressed my concern and the things that i would like for him to change and he did the same. i am very happy we still have our ups and downs but i know everything will be ok as long as we communicate. well i wont make my post any longer but i will say one more thing, dont just tell him that you want him to communicate with you, you help him by making it comfortable for him to want to talk to you, and have patience for him knowing that its a work in progress and he should do the same. its never too much or too late to just say i miss you i love you and i want to make this work. i hope it helps and best wishes to you. and what ever decision you make i know will be the best for you.
i forgot one thing, you and your husband have to be willing to make changes if you or/and your husband arent willing to make any changes then no matter how hard you try things arent gonna get any better.

You mention all the things that you want him to be for you. If he was not these things when you married him, you can't ask him to be these things now. If he was private when you married him, well then, he's private. If you didn't have passion, romance, a solid place to lay your head when you married him, then you can't expect these things now from him. Just because you decided to change yourself doesn't mean that he has to change himself. Either stay with him and allow him to be the way he is and probably always has been, or leave him and find the person that you now want. I don't believe it's his job to change for you. Now, if he has changed a lot for the worse since you have been married, that's a different story. But if he is the person you married, then you are married to what you chose and that person should not be expected to change just because you did. I hope everything works out for all of you.

A lot of this sounds like my husband and me - we've been married 22 years. I would never divorce him in a million years though. From what I've seen out there, there are way way worse relationships. You could destroy your kids' lives if you divorced. There are so many kids who turn to drugs and alcohol when this happens. So many men are very private and they don't communicate. That's just the way he is. Just try to deal with it. I have a friend who divorced her husband thinking there's better out there, and now she just got another divorce because that guy was worse, and had a lot of bad relationships in between. Your guy sounds like he does a lot of things around the house and is a good father - that should be good enough.

Honestly, it sounds like you have outgrown your husband. You've clearly changed, and have stopped appreciating his contentment. I can't say that I blame you, nor will I discourage you seeking divorce. The flame is flickering towards dim, you are prepared to blow out the candle and spark a fire in life as a single soul searching woman. Do what's going to make you happy in the long run, and yes, you can still love him in the process.

G.,

I ache for you..You sound like such a neat person. You care about him and are struggling with "caring" for yourself. I divorced my husband of 7 years over 13 years ago...ergo "20" years that I did not put in. I felt the same way. I was well cared for, loved, and "he" was very comfortable. I couldn't sleep at night thinking if something happened, what would our world be? I knew that i couldn't count on him and felt like I had to get out. I had 3 young children at the time ranging from 1.5 to 5 yrs old. I left...For me, it saved our relationship and we are now friends. He comes to our house for EVERY holiday. I did remarry 3 years ago and my husband is very secure with my ex being around..he actually encourages it. We are all a family and it is the way that it has always been meant to be.
Unlike you, I was no longer in love with him. I did love him..I still do. similar to the love I have for my brother.

Good luck to you with whatever you choose. the toughest part is the doubt from everyone else..."why would you leave such a giving and nice person"..? Well, everyone that said that to me years ago, never say it anymore.

~J.

I think it would be better if you focused less on yourself and your needs/goals and more on your husband and kids. If you divorced your husband for no other reason than that you weren't fulfilled...that would be entirely selfish and would be sure to ruin your children's lives. When you make a commitment such as marriage, it should be honored and cherished and you have to put effort into loving one another. Don't try to change your husband; embrace him for being the man you wanted to marry. Focus on his strengths and serving others, not just yourself. And in the end, that will make you happy as well.

I think you'll regret it if you do. You can't make him be who you want him to be or anyone else. You'd probably be in the same boat with someone else or just end up alone. I believe that if you can adore, admire and love your husband with no strings attached, that you'll see a big change. Who knows, he may feel the same way about you but doesn't want to say anything. It would be easier to change you and give your marriage a chance. I really truly believe that if you divorce him, that you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Good luck to you!