Bad Tempered Husband

To me it sounds like stress and he doesn't know how to control it. I acted this way (mostly yelling/screaming-wise not hitting/throwing) because of my depression and once I went on medication for it (paxil 20mg) I have been a totally different person and I actually LIKE this new person. I have much more patience w/my 2 young children and "care" more about taking care of the house (before I'd let dishes go for days before cleaning them up and not caring). It has changed my life and how I treat my children and I can tell they are better off w/me because of it. Just an idea.... hth

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I am in a bit of a similar situation. My son has medical issues that we have been dealing with over the last 2 1/2 years. He is almost 5 and my daughter is almost 4. My husband is the breadwinner and I am a SAHM. My husband also has a short temper and is very dramatic.

You are not wrong for thinking your husband is over-reacting to situations. If he is scaring your children that is not good. They need to feel comfort, stability and love from him. They also need to learn from him how to react to situations in a healthy manner. My guess is that in addition to be tired from working 2 jobs, perhaps his pride is hurt by having to move in with family and he feels out of control because he can't change the medical issues your child is facing. While we didn't need to move in with family I relied heavily on help from family the first year of my son's treatment. My husband wasn't happy about having to ask for so much help. He likes to be independent and self-sufficient. And he would have done anything for my son to not have to go through his treatments. It greatly upsets him that he can't control ir or make it go away.

Something I have found helpful is talking to my husband using words that let him know I understand why he acts a certain way or why he feels a certain way. After I acknowledge how he feels, I offer ideas for how he can react more appropriately. I try not to dismiss his emotions as I feel he is entitled to them, but he can learn to react more appropriately without denying his feelings. He isn't always receptive to what I have to say, but I keep at it. I try to remain as calm as possible. Sometimes I feel like I have a third child who needs to be taught how to channel his emotions and deal with them in healthy ways. It took several months to see some changes and even now we aren't always on the same page, but I am quicker about speaking my mind, modeling behaviors for my husband (just like I do with my kids) and doing what I think is best for my kids and my family as a whole. I want my kids to have fond memories of their childhood as well as healthy behaviors to rely on despite the medical chaos we have to deal with. If your husband won't listen to you, is there any way for him to get counseling or spiritual guidance or talk to a trusted friend? Best wishes to you.

Jen,
I'm sorry you are going through this. Whether your husband is stressed out, burnt out or just plain tired, it doesn't give him the right to carry on like a little child. Aside from scaring your children, he isn't setting a good example for them. What does his behavior teach them about how to treat animals?

I would not wait for him to come to me, I would see if you can get some one on one time with him, out away from the house and talk to him. If you need to make a list of things to talk to him about, do that. Keep track of his outbursts and don't be afraid to call him on them and remind him that his daughter is extremely impressionable at this age and that she is afraid. We as parents forget that we are technically on stage all day, every day with our kids and they are little sponges picking up on everything and repeating words now.

My husband is similar in that he goes off about stupid stuff, yells and curses and our 2 year old son just stares at him. Its not a good environment.

If he isn't willing to try to behave himself and act like an adult then I would seriously consider moving out. Remind him that if you have to take the kids and do that it will certainly screw up their routines and their current environment....all because of his nonsense.

Since men are babies...have you thanked him for all he does for the family recently? I know we think they should know how we feel but sometimes you have to kiss their butts, as hard as it is sometimes but it does work.

Hang in there and good luck.

L.

Jen,

I'm sorry you and your family is havinga such a hard time right now. It has to very difficult for everyone involved. My first feelings was that your husband is taking this situation the hardest at the moment. He is definitly "acting out" in a bad way by getting so mad and scaring your daughter in the process, but it sounds like he is not a bad guy and would not act that way under other conditions. I don't think leaving right now is the best idea. My suggestion is to actually come together. I think you, your husband and children should spend some time alone, maybe just taking a family walk around the block after dinners or something like that. this will show your husband that you have bonded together at this hard time as a team and will work things out together as a team. I would talk with him just the two of you and tell him that you understand that he is feeling stressed but that you are also and instead of taking it out on "silly" things...to learn how to react when things get too stressed. From his point of view..he is probably feeling like he is failing at supporting his family..because you had to move in with his parents (i don't think that and i'm sure you don't ..but a man may feel that way), his child has serious medical issues right now which is extremely scary and now his marriage is stressed. He is probably "burnt" like you said! this being said, I know that you are also under extreme stress for all of the same reasons. That is why I feel that at this hard time it is better to join together and support eachother rather than to allow this hard time in your lives to separate you. I really wish you much luck and happiness.

Jen,
First of all, your husband is under alot of stress and he probably is putting most of it on himself because he's having a hard time making ends meet. It's a pride thing. The health of your son I'm sure is making it hard too because men don't talk about their feelings, but instead they internalize until they end up exploding over dumb things like what he did with the cat. He probably feels out of control right now. That being said, it's still no excuse and no, you should not have to live like this, nor should your children! What if next time it's something your daughter does that upsets him. Do you know for sure that he wouldn't accidentally hurt her? My advice to you is to leave before things get worse. It might do both of you some good. It will take some of the stress off of him and it will help your daughter not be so afraid. I am speaking from experience and I can tell you that my husband is a much better father now that we're separated then he ever was when we were together. He doesn't have the stress of dealing with kids, job, money... everyday now so when he is with the kids he can be more relaxed and enjoy them more. I'm not saying that you need to separate. It could be that a break for a week or two may be enough, but I do think you should consider taking that break for yourself, and him too. I would tell him that you love him and want to be there for him, and then give him some time. If you stay too long your kids will continue to be afraid of him and I know you don't want that for them at their young age. Take a "vacation" for a little bit and see how you both feel. Give him a little space to deal with everything. It will be a break for you too because you won't have to feel like you have to walk on eggshells during that time. I hope this helps and you can email me at ____@____.com if you want to talk more. I know it's hard, especially when you yourself have so much going on. I hope everything with your son is ok. That must be tearing you up inside seeing your son being sick. I've got a similar situation with my son and it's hard when you can't fix things. Hang in there!

Someone who understands,
M.

Hi Jen -

My husband was going through something similar. He actually went to his doctor for a physical & mentioned how angry he always was. His doctor did some tests & found that he had low testosterone. We were told that could be the cause of his anger, among other things. He was put on a daily medicine & within a month he was a totally different person. It might not be your husbands problem, but it might be worth looking into. I am hoping everything works out for you, because at one point I was ready to pack my things and leave also. Now things are really good.

While your husband's behavior was in no way acceptable or justified, I do want to give some insight from perhaps his perspective...

I too work full-time, as well as I work two part-time jobs, just to help us make financial ends meet. My husband works full-time too, but gets the evenings and weekends with my daughter.

When I am home, he feels he should get 'the breaks' and get to go do things since he is with her when I am not home. Which sometimes is just fine since I too want alone time with her, but then I really never get anytime to do things just for me either.

I guess just once I'd like to be recognized as the person who 'works more'. I still do laundry, dishes, shopping, cooking, appointments, etc. (most of it actually). I would really like him to just at least offer to get a part-time job so that perhaps I wouldn't be the one always burdened with the lifestyle.

Is there any chance you could get a part-time job that would allow him to not have to work as much? Perhaps you could find work that would be during his part-time shift and he could not work both jobs for a little while?

I too find myself 'losing' it from sleep deprevation and simple frustration. I wouldn't say I have an anger issue, but I do know I am less resilent than I used to be!!!

Just my thoughts and ideas... taken them for what their worth. Best of luck to you!!!

If I were you, I would be worried that he would turn violent to me or our child. He needs help. His anger issues may be due to stress or it could be medical. Either way, he needs treament. Talk to him about how this worries you and urge him to seek help right away.

Jen, I know you are very busy caring for 2 little ones, but how about a little extra TLC for the hubby. He is a 4 letter word, MALE and his ego is so much different than us women. He probably feels like a failure (financial problems, living with his mom and probably blames himself for your child's medical problems). Put the children to bed and pamper him a little. While you are pampering him, remind him what a good man he is and how much you appreciate him working so hard so you can stay home and take care of the children, reassure him that everything else is only material things.Explain that the only thing that matters is that you are a family and show love to each other. Then say, you understand it has been very rough for ALL of you, but the children are now being affected by the stress you both feel and show.Tell him you are there for him and could he please talk to you instead of losing his temper in front of the children.Make a secret look between the 2 of you and when either of you use that look, it is a message to stop and take a deep breath because it is affecting the children.Also, remove the children from the room if he does not stop. Financial stress for a man is the ultimate ego buster. May I recommend Dave Ramsey? He has several books that would be of great help to you. He teaches you to live within your means, pay off debt and stay out of debt. When I first started, I decluttered my home selling everything we didn't use or need. The first month I made $300.We scrimped in other ways to increase our income like no eating out, getting rid of premium channels,reevaluated all our insurances,etc. Both of you need to work as a team not only for your children, but for finances too.Please feel free to email me for further advice on finances. We struggled for a while since my hubby was out of work for medical reasons for 8 months meanwhile our basement flooded and he needed to go to Maryland once a week for medical treatment.Then we started Dave's financial plan and we are currently down to one credit card with a low balance and have a savings account! I had a friend who was homeless who used Dave's plan to get back on their feet. They have a gorgeous home, go on vacations at least 2x year (all inclusive overseas) and are wonderful people who don't forget where they were at and help others now.From reading your request, I get the feeling that if finances were better so would be your husband.Hang in there things will get better.

My husband dose also have a temper. I have thought about walking out with the kids, just to let him cool down and regather his thoughts. But i fear that if i do that, then it would make everything worse.

I have even thought about going to a psycholgist, just so that i can be strong for myself and the kids when he gets like that.

I also knew that he had a temper before i married him, and stood there and took it. He has told me that he would rather walk out of the house, before things would get to bad. So I have learned to walk to another part of the house to leave him alone.

See if he would go speak to a marrige concler or something like that. If you belong to a chruch so will have people in the church that can help u.

Hi Jen! You need to take your husband to see someone to talk to ASAP! It sounds like he is totally stressed out/burned out and needs to at the very least vent to someone! He is probaly filled with fear for your child, your family finances, and loosing you and your children! Many men lash out in anger when they are filled with fear and a feeling of failure (like moving their family back into Mom & Dad's). Talk to him, cry with him, get some counseling! Best wishes.

There is alot going on in your family and it seems like he is really stressed out. He needs to talk to someone. Is there a friend or family member that he would listen to? It is not right that your child is scared of their father. Once he cools down after this incident, sit him down and calmly let him know that your child was very scared and ask him what he needs. He may feel like he is failing his family and he may need to know that he has your support. Don't threaten to leave him, but offer him that option if he needs some space for a week. Let him know that you love him and want to do whatever he needs to get through this tough time.

It really seems like this is all due to your current situation, otherwise I would be giving different advise.

My husband has a bad temper, and I know it's worse when he feels like he is failing. Get your husband to talk - if not to you, then someone. Or have someone talk at him. He needs to hear someone say what his temper is doing to his family... but without blaming him or making him feel worse. Good Luck.

Hi Jen,
I'm so sorry your family is struggling with so much right now. I'm sure your husband is feeling an incredible amount of stress. Although that doesn't excuse his behavior, it can explain it. I really think he needs some therapy and/or some antidepression meds. It's really difficult for most men to discuss how they feel, but I'm sure you know that. Maybe if the two of you sit down, uninterrupted, and calmly discuss your situation you can clear the air so to speak. I wish you the best of luck! Hang in there, life is not easy in these difficult economic times!

It is difficult to work two jobs. Stressful, and exhausting and in those situations we never act our best. I prepare tax returns and for part of the season, I work 12 hour days, that along with the drive, keep me out of the house 13 hours a day. The kids have gotten on the bus by the time I awake in the a.m., and they were often in bed when I got home. If it weren't for my husband who loves them, handled the family and helped me 'chill out' when I got home, it would have been a disaster. But we managed for 6 weeks. I can't imagine filling those kinds of hours on a regular basis. . . .

That said, I also wonder what kind of household this is, where the animals freely walk on the table during mealtime ? We've had lots of cats over the years, but they learned very early on that tables and counters are not THEIR spaces. The cat should be checked for worms, if it's not getting enough nourishment out of its own food and is stealing from the table.

And then, on to your spouse . . . yeah, I'd go to Mom's and unwind for a while. Don't go angry, however. This is a scary situation for you, and for him. He was out of control, and he knows he behaved badly. You guys were apalled and frightened. If the cat did something wrong and was treated to that kind of response, what happens when the children do something wrong ? You do need to let him know that you care deeply for him, that walking away isn't easy, but that you are also frightened by his bazaar behavior, and is over the top response when he gets angry. If you are going to move out, you are going to have to come to an agreement about money, too -- if you leave, is he still paying the bills ? (yours and his? the babies?) if you stay, you need to make a pact that when the time bomb is ticking inside him, that he pull himself away from family time and go for a walk or something. BEFORE he blows up. Why not round up the cats and corral them behind a closed door so they don't disturb dinner ?

It is up to your husband to set the tone for his relationships with his children. If the relationship is one in which your daughter feels safe and loved, and secure, that is something HE creates. He is the adult between the two of them. But if he is going to frighten and scare her, then he needs to get control of himself and simply walk away when he is angry. No child needs to witness that, and wonder if they are next . . . because sometimes they do bad things, too. . .

I'm wondering about financial help ? What about rental assistance? What about food stamps ? What about a chips card for the baby ? I don't know what kind of jobs your husband has, or the income level, but it's worth checking out what kind of assistance is available, so that he isn't caught in the viscious trap of having to work 24/7 very long. It's just not possible to maintain one's sanity when one is constantly on the go and never allowed "off" time to simply relax. It's not good for him, not good for you, or your family.

Living with the inlaws is also not such a hot place to live. While it's wonderful of them to open their home to you in a time of need, it is incredibly difficult to live in someone else's home for an extended period of time. If adds stress to a stressful situation, and doesn't bring out the best in us. Investigate ALL the options -- where to live, how to do it, what other kinds of support are out there . . .

And what about him working one job, and you working a PT job? You could get in laws and parents to take turns and babysit while you work, and/or you could work different shifts so that one of you is available to run to the doctor's visits and stuff. Leaving all the income production up to your husband puts a heck of a load of stress on his life -- and there are other options out there that might work.

Bottom line? Figure out what is causing the stress. Figure out if there's a way to reduce the stressload. If you want to save your marriage, do what it takes to get the stress lowered. Look for alternatives you haven't yet tried. PA also has daycare subsidies, if you want to put your daughter in daycare and leave just the baby with relatives while you work. It CAN be done, and you CAN get through this. But you have to decide what matters most to you both. Obviously what you are doing to get through right now isn't working. That's not your husband's fault, but it sounds to me as if he's simply the "first victim". Tackle it as a problem to solve, not as a blame game. The problem may not be your husband and his temper, the temper is probably the result of the problem.

I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years (you can read my recent post) and I have seen a temper tantrum or two. One of my biggest lessons in marriage is to truly put yourself in his shoes. First, he absolutely doesn't have any right to act like that. Second, ask yourself if you think he is a danger to himself or others? Meaning would he lash out at you or your child? Third, would it help or hurt him to loose your support? If you were him, what would you want from your mate? Would you want to feel rejected or supported? I've been in your shoes. I've wanted a mother's house to go to, but don't have one so I had to figure out what to do in my own house. When there is a blow up, a cool down period is necessary. After a cool down that is enough time for both and both people feel ready to talk, that's when you can open up about how his behavior/actions/choices/reactions are of a real concern to you. That you care about his well being and it's obvious that he's not doing ok. You can ask him what you can do to support him. Does he need an anger management class? I know that seems cliche' but they really do help! I went to one with my husband and I learned a lot! (And we weren't there for me) The stress you two are going through right now is high. Perhaps you cound encourage him to go blow off steam by doing something he enjoys... give him some time that is carved out for him. I think we wives underestimate the stress loads of our husbands that are working 60 hour + workloads. He obviously needs support. Of course that doesn't mean that you don't need it too. But right now it seems as though he may be in dire need of it first. In the meantime you can reach out to your mom and your girlfriends and lean on them for some emotional support. Keep yourself and your children safe. I wouldn't demand or give him ultimatums (that only adds more stress) but rather explore how that if he could understand how uncomfortable it made you and how scared it makes your daughter feel, I'm guessing he would want to do what in necessary to make his family and himself healthy.

It really sounds like your husband is acting out - you said moving in with his parents has put a strain on the relationship, which was probably already strained due to a sick child, and financial issues. Maybe he feels really "stuck". What have you two done for your relationship? Have you discussed ways to move back out on your own? Maybe if he sees a change coming it is something positive to look forward to - maybe a little alone time for you two, possibly some counseling to get you through these rough times would help.

I don't reallyhave any advice but i just wanted to say I understand.90% of the time I am married to a wonderful man but sometimes he can be downright scary.He has never hit me or the children but he has a temper and when he is under stress LOOK OUT! I was in a similar situation recently where I was thinking of leaving but I love him so much.He works for himself and we often have to wait a while before money comes in but we stilll have to pay our employees and support ourselves and it can be quite stressful we did sit down and have a talk that really helped.He seemed to feel like he wasn't providing so he was almost pushing me away or testing me.Things have been better and we were talking and i told him that our daughter told me it scares her when Daay yells and that seemed to have an impact on him.GOOD LUCK

jen,
You , my dear ...can not F_I_X this one ...
daddy has to go to anger management ... this is a family cycle .... THE @ OF YOU MUST FIX THIS FOR YOUR CHILDRENS SAKE !!!!!!!!
go to and or call a 'hotline' [ex; turning point]
they will help both of you . having a special needs child , 2 jobs, living w/ parents would drive any man w-i-l-d- ..
he was to learn good behavior in his childhood, hence, he has to f-i-x- this now ... asap

he should have talked to his dtr and given her a hug and said all act out at times.

Yes he is stressed and tired, but so are u and both need support and love.

How is his family with you? do they like you? do they put him down?

Honestly think is this only since you moved in with his family? Sometimes we tend to forget and live in a slight fantasy world.

If he ever hits you or your kids, end it right then, trust me will cost more in future.

goodluck and find someone to talk to.

Jen,
I think men can be self-centered like that lots more than women. As moms, we are all pretty "plugged in" to those little ears and eyes near us.
I wanted to suggest that, no matter the age of adult kids, when they are under the parents' roof, there is a definite weird-ness that goes on. It's like all of a sudden you are 12 years old again. Your husband may feel like a failure being in his 'rents home with a wife and two children BUT it does not excuse his behavior. If it (whatever IT is: jobs, money, stress, responsibility) is bothering him THAT much he needs to talk to someone. He is, after all, a grown up. No child should witness that on even a semi-regular basis. Did it also happen before you were living there?
Try to get your finances straightened out asap so that you four can get back to a "normal" family unit. Good luck & God Bless.