Any Advice welcomed...he's Throwing Things at Me!

I have the same problem with my now 3 year old. He has been throwing things for the last 6 months. I've tried not to over react when he does this because it is what he wants me to do. The last month or so every time he throws something I make him go pick it up and "put it down soft." I started by taking his books that he always throws and picking them up myself to show him how to put it down soft. It has helped a lot. He still throws stuff if I'm trying to take something away from him but it has gotten much better. He's probably growing out of that phase too. Good Luck!

Take a Love and Logic Parenting Class! It will give you the right tools to deal with this exact kind of behavior. You can google it online. I loved the class and it helped me significantly in teaching and disciplining my children (now 4 1/2 and 2). Best wishes. J. L

J.,
I have the same problem - my 3 y.o. started this about 3 months ago (see my post from about 2 or 3 weeks ago). It got so frustrating because we are renting a furnished place, and the stuff he throws is not ours! He has broken plenty of decorative items that I thought were safe around him. Plus, as you said, he throws things AT people, and I believe he knows this will hurt.

I cannot shut him in his room for a time out - there is no room that is totally free of things to throw or destroy, except for the bathroom. I tried shutting him in there a couple times, but it just didn't feel good to me, and he would get so hysterical. After reading the responses to my post a few weeks ago, and talking to a couple of people who work with children, here is what I have ended up doing:

The only option that remained (as far as I could see)was to sit him in my lap on my bed, and cross my legs over his, and bear hug his arms. I do this quite lightly, exerting pressure only to resist when he pulls away. And if he seems to just want to scream and not kick or hit, then I will just hold him. He has learned to push my buttons by screaming "Oweeee, Mommy, you're hurting me!" but I have since learned to pay close attention to how much pressure I am using, whether his back is pressed into my belt buckle, etc., so I am confident that I am NOT hurting him. Plus today I learned that even if I totally opened up and said "OK, you can get down, but if you hit or kick or throw, you have to sit with Mama again" he actually would NOT climb out - he would stay with me, kick me a little, and I would resume the "mad hug." I really got the sense that he felt the best if he could stay in the mad hug until he calmed down. I have been timing our mad hugs, and they last about 30 - 45 minutes. It sucks to use my time this way, but it is the best solution I have come up with. I know the throwing is either an attention getter (he knows how upset we get, or 2)a sign that he is so angry he cannot control himself -- or maybe both! In any case, I have not found that any amount of reason or consequences works when he gets to the point where he is throwing things at me. The best reaction seems to be consistent, non-reaction - very calm with no talking except to say "when you can stop hitting/kicking/throwing you can get down." We just seem to have to weather the storm, but I feel better doing it together like this, even if it takes alot of time.

Let us know what you end up doing - I would love to hear more about other parents' approaches! Good luck!

My little man did the same thing when he turned 2. He would get mad and throw the closest thing at me. The first time I was stunned. The second time I picked up his toy, put it in a box, and gave it to Good Will (with him in tow so he could see it going "bye bye"). One time he threw part of a train at me, it was a really cool train, battery operated, that went around on a circular track. I felt bad just dumping that at Good Will so we saved it and Ethan gave it to his cousins for Christmas that year. It probaby took three or four times of losing his toys before he stopped, couldn't believe how quickly it stopped. You have to be firm, (I think I almost cried when I had to give away one of his favorite toys), but if you don't do it now he will be out of control in a few years.

Feeling your pain,
L. Mother of a 5 year old (no longer throwing things) and a 2 year old

Hi J.,

I was a child devel specialist, and have 3 little kids.

He is a normal kid. 2 year olds start becoming aggressive and violent.

Try to prevent the meltdowns by giving him choices about things, like the choice of two things - shirts to wear, food to eat, etc. so that he feels to have some control over his life.

Also, when he is violent, you try and prod him to tell you why, like this, " you are throwing your chair at me because you don't want to go to bed. I know you don't want to go to bed. I know you don't want to go to bed. It is time for bed, though, honey. I know you don't want to go to bed." This is because when they are throwing things in temper tantrums, they are trying to tell you they are angry about something but don't have the words yet. If they hear that you understand what they want, even if you don't give in, they usually feel relief of some sort.

Hope this helps,
Marci

He is probably afraid to be in time out by himself. He is probably also scared by his own out of control emotions. You need to stay as calm as you can and be super consistent. Try to figure out what is triggering his throwing (is it lack of communcation skills?, etc.?). I am having similar issues with tantrums, but being consistent and sometimes actually holding her during the time out and telling her that "she is out of control so I have to help her regain control" is helping. he maybe overtired due to a shorten nap time etc. or just hungry more frequently due to a growth spurt. Keep the snacks easily available.

good luck, he is acting perfectly normal and the throwing thing will pass. Maybe a reward chart with a sticker for not throwing between meals would work also.

R.

I agree with some of the advice that you should take each thing away to teach that it's not alright to throw. When he wants his juice cup you can explain that he can't have it because he threw it. Then, say he can try again later at the next meal or to have the toy the next day.

Sounds like you are in a tough spot. My step son is a child who doesnt care about punishment either. We've tried time-outs, grounding from tv, games, toys, and nothing ever worked. Finally, when I was about to have a nervous breakdown, we found a solution. We threatened to tell his bio mom that he was being naughty. Now I realize that this may not work for you either depending on his father's involment in his life. One thing that we did that seemed to work is I went in his room with a trash bag and took every toy he owned and said if he was going to continue with the behavior he would have no belongings. Don't give in to the screaming, crying, and whining. Always do what you say you're going to do. When my son started going without the bad behavior he earned his toys back one by one. Another trick that my cousin used on her daughter when her daughter had a hitting problem is when he throws something at you, pretend to cry, be hurt. Let him see that he can hurt people. Often they just don't realize that what they are doing doesnt feel good. Maybe give him a special pillow that when he's angry you tell him he can hit the pillow or throw the pillow....that way he's not hurting you or anyone else and still getting his anger out. Good luck to you!

Try catching him in the act before he throws something, gently grab his arm, take the object away and be very firm and say NO THROWING! And take whatever it is and put it away.
Especially if it is a toy he is not to get it back until the next day, put it on the fridge or somewhere he can visually see it so he is reminded. Time out will work, you have to be diligent and not let him run the show! You continue to put him back, even if it is a hundred times. He knows your breaking point and realizes you will give up so DO NOT GIVE UP!
Of course he will throw a fit as 2 year olds WANT THEIR WAY, he doesn't get it and shouldn't ever with a fit though so he will figure it out. Remove him immediately from the area and sit with him if you have to. Don't yell or lose it (easier said then done) but you have to get it under control now before he hurts someone!!!
Being 2 it is normal to throw fits, it happens and will for a few more years. It is now though that removing him, then ignoring his crying and screaming and standing firm. If he has a playpen, put him in that! If he has a place where you can sit him and if you have to do it a million times, continue to do so!! Just don't cave and be consistent!
Taking toys away when my kids were little stopped the throwing very fast as they typically threw something they liked and it was GONE for the day! Hang in there!! It will pass he just is testing the limits around him.

J. - chances are that its a normal part of being 2. But it sounds like it's getting extreme -especially if he's doing it at daycare too (kids are usually better behaved for others than for mom). I would suggest calling your pediatrician and telling him about this. You may want to take your son in (it depends partly on how much time your dr. has for a phone call and how well he knows your son). This is about the age when some emotional/social disorders start becoming apparrant.

Like I said, and other moms have said, it's probably a phase. But if you're worried, don't ignore your instincts. Peace of mind is worth an extra trip to the doctor, and if there is something else going on it's best to get it identified early so you can start teaching him how to live with it.

Good luck!

I did the same thing that Christine did... Sometimes it got really ugly, but it worked overall. I had to do it with my girls and boys. I would try the timeout first. If they didn't stay on their bed for timeout, then they would have the door closed for the timeout. If they were dissobedient for that and opening the door, then they would have a "holding timeout" like Christing explained. (sometimes if they were really out of control it was just straight to the holding timeout, you can tell because you know your child).

I was careful not to hardly talk or give any kind of positive or negative reinforcement during this time. The were told it was time for a "holding timeout" because they were out of control and it was Mummy's job to help them get in control. They could not get down until they were in control of themselves and appologized for their behavior.

As they got older I would talk to them about how I loved them so much, and I could tell that they were just so sad inside. I talked to them about how throwing things, hurting people,etc. was making them sadder inside and I could see it. I wanted them to be able to control how they behaved so they didn't have to be even more sad inside. We talked about using "words" instead of bad actions like they had. I would go into things a little more after they had calmed down so that we could learn the root of what was triggering the behavior.

Good luck, and if you're in a holding timout ('cause you're in it too!), watch for the head against the breasts... it can be a real killer! My kids all fought me like cats and dogs before they would relax (and I was CALM throughout the whole thing at least 90% of the time) and made sure NOT to apply hardly any pressure until they resisted. If they started biting, I would hold their hands as well as wrap my arms around theirs, .... hopefully your boy is not as terrible as mine were. I'm sure it was quite the sight to see us in that way :D, but I knew I was doing it out of love, and that the behaviors they were exhibiting were absolutely unacceptable behaviors (zero tolerance stuff). My children sound so bad!!! I rarely had to use the hold after they learned about it, maybe only once a month. So hang in there and remember that you're teaching more things than just not throwing when you react to what the behavior is.

K.

To be honest I would take all the toys away. At least the ones he is throwing at you.
Every time he throws one you tell him he won't see it again and tell him why. Once he sees that all his stuff is gone he might change.
Tell him he can earn them back with good behavior...

Good luck...

And the cold shower things sounds a bit harsh! I would rather just let me my little one scream than do that. Just tell him that if he has to scream he has to do it in another room. Then when he is done he is allowed to come back.

J.,

Sounds to me like you need to take him to the doctor.
And the cold showers sounds not so good.
You need to take him to the doctor and get some professional advice.
Good luck dear.
I just do not have any advice. Besides you do not say what changed in your life recently.
Is he acting out because you got married, or do you have a man in your life. Is someone else getting your attention when they didn't before?

my son had a throwing phase when he was two also. one thing that worked well with my son was having a special place or special box (see through works best) were i would put the things he was throwing. if it was a block, i would take the whole set of blocks and put them on top of the tv cabinet. they were in a clear box se he could clearly see them sitting out of his reach. i still put him in time out, but i would also tell him that since he couldn't play nicely with the blocks, the blocks couldn't come out to play until after lunch (or whenever you think is best). having the item that was taken away, but still kept in plain view really helped him remember why he got got in trouble and how he needed to behave to get his toys back. you may recommend doing the same thing to his daycare, even provide them with a clear plastic box to use. a chair won't fit in a box, but you could recommend putting the chair up (where he can still se it) and he has to sit on the floor, for an appropriate amount of time. the more consistant it is the better it will work. it took a good two weeks for it to really sink in with my son, and now he's five and i still use the same technique when he misbahves, although it's video games instead of blocks now! just be consistance with whatever you decide to try and he will most likely stop pretty quickly. good luck.

I would say no on the cold showers, my stepdad used this punishment. I really don't agree with that kind of discipline, I think it messed me up a little. Bad behavior and a cold shower as a consequence just doesn't relate to kids or make any sense. Just some advice from my experiences.
As for the tantrums and throwing things, do not give into his demands!!! If he doesn't stay in time out, maybe you could try putting all his toys up in his room and making him stay in his room until he can behave. I know it sounds easier said than done, but its worth a try if you haven't already. Also maybe he is just trying to get your attention. Try to focus on his good behavior and reward him when he does good things. Sometimes if we have children that are being naughty we focus our attention on them and what they do bad instead of accentuating the positive.

if all else fails, give him a spanking. let him know why you're doing it.

I got this idea from my sister. She has three boys now 3,5 and 10. when they get in trouble, they jump on a trampuline exerciser or run around the house outside one lap per year old. So, when my two year old (just turned three) started that, I thought..time for more physical stuff. I forced myself to wrestle with him and do dumb boy stuff. When he is hitting a lot, he isn't getting enough testorone stuff. When it happens, it is usually when we are trying to get through a parking lot os other inconvienent time. So I simply pin his arms down and carry him like a sack of potatoes. sounds bad, but just get your car, kiss his cheek and and say: We don't hit, it hurts mommy, we will start driving when you are calm. then when he is calm, drive. Later, start up a conversation about feelings and how he likes it when someone hits him...etc. At home, we use time out or I put him in his room for time out. I showed him when he is calm to hit pillows and other "safe" places to let it all out. We have also gone outsde to just scream and get it all out...make it more of a game then a defence...how can I mae him smile instead of hitting?

I would suggest that each thing that he throws you take and put up where he can not get them but can still see them. Pretty soon he will have no toys to play with. Then he can start earning them back through good behavior. I would also suggest to stop the cold showers, what is that really teaching him? It sounds like pure torture to me and is really sending him the wrong message that if he throws you can hurt him. Keep reacting calmly, as that teaches them to be calm, tell him that we don't throw and then put it up. Keep working with him. Raising kids is not a quick process otherwise it wouldn't take 18 years to do it. : ) Good luck and keep in mind that this to shall pass so the next challenge can rear its head. :) D.

PLEASE DO NOT let someone give him a cold shower! That is for adults! Get down to his level and look him in the eye. He is just testing you. He is winning every time you acknoledge his tantrums. Honestly I am not afraid to paddle my kids little buts once in awhile but I always give them 3 strikes. They get put to bed on the third strike after a paddle on the keester by mommy. I have a hard time telling you to do this. I would definetly put him in his room with the door shut. Tell him he can come out when he is nice again. I read a book call "Parenting with Love and Logic". This book was recomended by our school councelor to all the parents at our school. It really has good ideas and they work! If you let him get to you he wins. When he throws toys at you, put them in the garbage can, then walk away. Tell him that you will listen when he is ready to talk. Also relate with him telling him that you understand his frustration but he really needs to use words not throwing to tell mommy how he feels. Tell him you know he is mad/frustrated and that must be so hard. Teach him to say words like angry and frustrated. He needs to learn how to communicate with you in a way that is affective for both of you. A cold shower just cools him off and will not teach him anything. There is a reason they call it the terrible twos! Best wishes!