Anxiety - Rochester,MI

you should see a counselor.anxiety taht is that severe probably does need couseling or medication.

I had a hard time leaving my first child but I did it.

and I cried.. I did go back to work when she was 6 1/2 month old.

I left her for the first time when she was 4 months old..

I have 3 kids.
The first one I didnot go anywhere without until she was about 4 months old.
The second, about 1 1/2 mos...
The third, with in a week.

No, its not that I didn't care about each one just as much as my first... But I knew that my hubby had 3 YEARS of experience under his belt with our daughter so when the boys came along I knew he could handle a quick trip to the store... There still was the constant thought in my head of I hope their ok... But you have to go and keep yourself reassured that they are fine.

If you don't get some "me " time you will go insane. :-) Right now its not a big deal, but in another 6 months to a year you will find yourself not being the mom you want to be. Stress can turn us pretty nasty.

I would talk to your DR.
It could be a form of PPD. You can get the affects of Post Partum until about 2 years after baby. If you are getting so stressed out about even the thought of being seperated that your milk is being affected I would make a drs appt asap. I know that there are meds out there you can try for a fast fix, but also talk to someone!

Perhaps ask your parents (or someone else that you would trust WITH YOUR LIFE, because that is what our kids are... Our LIVES) to come over and ask your dad to keep an eye on baby while mom and you go for a 5 or 10 minute walk. And take a cell phone with you. That gives you the ability to have someone talk to you and distract you a bit, but you can call home at anytime to check up on munchkin.

Try that a few times and each time make it longer...

Good luck and remember to breathe!

I think it's pretty simple. If leaving her is causing you anxiety...don't leave her. As she gets older, you will be more comfortable. The fact that you are breastfeeding (HOORAY!) makes you feel closer to her and the need to be with her is normal. No worries! Take your "me" time when she is napping and relax!

My daughter is 2 and I still hate leaving her, I love taking her places and just being with her. I didn't leave her until she was a few months old with grandparents and the whole time I couldn't wait to get back with her. We just left her over night for the first time last month everything went fine and it was actually nice to be alone with my husband and not have other responsibilities but I missed her very much and couldn't wait to see her.

I would say don't worry, it's natural, just take it slow and leave her for very short amounts of time at first like 30min-1 hr and then gradually increase it and make sure she is with someone who you trust whole heartedly!!!

I would not try any meds yet. Try talking to your husband and make a game plan.

I have many times but I always try to remember that time away only makes me a better mommy and a calmer, more relaxed person. Don't worry. Your baby needs time away form you also. :)

Hi C. -

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had a really hard time leaving my two older boys with my husband for any amount of time. I was positive no one could take care of them as well as me. (Unfortunately that turned out to be true - all three of my boys are special needs and no one can handle them like Mom. Dad abandon us when our youngest was 13 days old, but that's beside the point.)Anxiety can cause havok on the body and take over if you let it. Don't let it. What I did was to start small. I sat down with a book outside or went for a walk for 15 minutes one week then the next week I would step out for half an hour either walking, going for a short drive or going to tan. (Tanning really helps me to relax and gather my thoughts, it feels great and makes me feel better being able to see results from things I do for myself.) I eventually built the time up to and hour or two to go shopping or visit a friend that lived close by. I always made myself available to come home immediately if needed and a couple times it was needed. I was glad I knew I would be called if needed and it made it a bit easier to leave for awhile. Trust yourself and your judgement of who is good to care for your daughter. Start small and work your way up on time away. Eventually you will be glad you made the time for you and it will get easier. I get time now that all three of my boys are in school but am still available to get up and go if they need me. Yes, there are times they still need me even during school. Above all else, remember you are not alone. There are lots of mom's in the same position you are that don't have the support of someone TO care for their little one while they take time for themselves. You are truly very lucky.

God bless - S.

My son is 2 now and I still have it. My hisband wanted a break from him when he was about 4-6 months old so we could have some alone time.

All I did was cry and worry the whole time we were gone and that was the worst of it. I had to make a choice to distance myself. It got a little easier every time i did it but you still worry.

It's a hormonal monster that can also be passed down from your mother. My mom will be 60 this year and me and my sisters are either in our 30's or almost there! Se worries all the time! It dosent matter how old you are or any of that you have to work on that yourself.

Your husband or boyfreind will help you at least mine did. Best of luck....I am still a work in progress and I am almost 32.

I had a lot of this breastfeeding as well. Unfortunately it did affect my milk production and my daughter lots tons of weight and we had to start supplementing. Eventually she refused to breastfeed anymore. I lived in KY at the time where no one breastfeeds so no one knows how to help you when you have problems, and no LLL etc... So for us it had a bad ending.

I'd advise you to see your doctor and see if there is anything you can take to help with anxiety. Also see if you can get some help from LLL or a lactation specialist to help boost your milk supply. I know the herb fenugreek is helpful as well as mother's milk tea (both you can get at a health food store). I was prescribed reglan to help boost my milk supply, but it gave me terrible anxiety. I couldn't get to the herbs and teas, so didn't have that option.

Best wishes, hope that you can get some help in this area, it isn't funny to feel like this, and though its very common, it isn't normal to stay that way.

Hi C.. I had the same problem... right up until I stopped breastfeeding. I think it is the hormones that keep us, rightfully, attached to our babies and anxious to leave them. God designed it this way so we wouldn't abandon them when they cry!

It did help to start putting him in the church nursery, just once a week. I hated doing it.. and it did take a couple months for him to adjust.. but for me it was a must. He wouldn't let anyone hold him, not even grandparents, not even when I was still in the room!! I feared *his* anxiety would never get over itself unless I helped. After that he came to trust others and love everyone. It was hard, but it really worked! Hope that helps! And just know you are completely normal!

Before meds, I'd suggest getting some good aerobic exersise. I started doing a simple yoga routine that includes relaxation and meditation 20 min every morning and I love it. Your anxiety is probably stemmed in something other than your child's safety. Try to explore your feelings of fear (abandonment?) A counselor is great but a mom's group could be just as good.

I'd go with my gut on this one. Don't leave her if you're not comfortable. Most places you can take her along or postpone some things till she's older. Breastfeeding moms are so linked with their babes that it's hard to leave them - and it's supposed to be! Maybe that sounds too simplistic but, if I had to do it all again, I'd have almost never left mine until they were older. I regret having felt pressured to do so by everyone who said "oh, she'll be all right!" It makes me mad that everyone thinks they know what's best for YOUR baby! I heard an elderly doctor speak at an international La Leche League conference several years ago (Dr. Herbert Radnor). He said that the world system is set up to separate you from your baby - and he said DON'T LET IT!

I have had anxiety attacks leaving my children. I have three and I went through it with each child. Even when I left them with my parents. I just had to keep reminding myself that it was healthy to leave them for short periods of time. It is better for them and for you to take short periods of time off for yourself. If you don't have "me" time and time to recoup yourself then you're not going to be doing the best you can with your children!!! I had to literally talk myself down, and relax my breathing and my chest. It really does get easier each time you leave them, you may just have to start off in little increments (and that is fine) but eventually you'll work it out!!
C. M

Hi C.,
I too have had some levels of anxiety with leaving my oldest with others, he's 18 months now. I have another little one on the way. But I also believe time for yourself is really important. I just had to take a leap of faith and leave him with others. I think it's natural for you to have that feeling. I've only left him with people that I trust and am comfortable with(grandparents, an aunt, godmothers). And even with that there was sometimes nervousness. It's hard to leave, but your daughter also needs a healthy, relaxed mommy. You need to have some fun and down time - It's healthy for you. Try leaving your daughter for short intervals of time (an hour or two). Go to dinner, movies, get your hair or nails done.
And feel free to call and check in on your little one as much as you would like, when you are away. I believe establishing that level of trust (even with people you've known for forever) comes through experience. You just have to do it. Be encouraged! You're not alone in this experience.

I know how you feel. I didn't leave my daughter with my husband for a night out till she was 9 months and I realllllly needed a night out by then. Try to find a way to get some you time while she's sleeping. Meet a friend for lunch when you think baby will nap. Ask to have lunch at your friends house if a restaurant is to much. Buy yourself flowers or a magazine. Maybe join a moms group that meets in person. Try soothing caffeine free tea.
Good luck, A. H

C. -

I had a problem with anxiety and leaving my daughter when she was about 6months maybe 12months. What I did not realize at the time was that I was going through Postpartum Depression. I think I didn't recognize it because she was a little bit older and let's face it I was really busy. I found my expectations for my self were too high. I finally found a counselor to talk to and worked it out. No Meds. Thank goodness I lowered the bar! Good luck - give yourself credit for all you are doing and cut yourself some slack.

Hi C.,

I know exactly how you feel.

When my daughter was born I was INSTANTLY completely head over heels for her. Deeply in love. I loved her smell, I loved how she snuggled up to me, I loved her soft soft skin. I was EXAUHSTED because she was not a baby who would just lay in her crib when she was awake, and really hated going to sleep on her own... not to mention the round the clock feedings. BUT, I couldn't stand not being with her. COULD. NOT. STAND. IT!

I don't know if it was because I am an older mom (pushing 36 now) or the fact that my husband and I were apart for much of my 3rd trimester due to his work ... or what it was. But, for the first 3-4 weeks my daughter slept every night in my arms. I felt GUILTY if I put her in the bassinet. After a few weeks I was able to put her down ... but I would be up all night checking on her and just putting my hand on her and falling asleep half hanging over the bassinet next to our bed.

My mom was staying with me because my husband had to leave us again for his work. Once I went to a doctors appointment, by myself. I couldn't get home fast enough.

I never was to the point where I felt I needed medication ... .but who knows...maybe I was.

However, I will tell you ... over time the anxiety has subsided and things are great now.

I'm not sure why it would be affecting your milk supply. That is typically determined by how often your baby is at the breast. Contact your local la leche league... I'm sure they will have some GREAT advice for you in that area. Also, keep in mind, 6 months... that is about the time your milk should really be regulating itself...the whole supply and demand cycle is well established. Many women will feel their milk supply is dwindling because they don't feel as 'full' as they did before...but in reality it is just they aren't making MORE then what baby is taking like they did in the beginning. Particularly if this is your first. Often times with your first your body makes WAY more then what baby needs at first ... so when you do hit that stride it really feels like you're not making enough.

*Is baby having at least 6 wet dipes per day?

*Does baby seem satisfied after nursing? Is there the long sucking and swallowing cycle in her nursing? (sucking like you're sucking through a straw... chin dropping down then some short pause while she swallows)

*Does SHE tell you when she's done and doesn't cry like she's still hungry?

If you answered yes to these, then I would venture to say you ARE producing enough milk and it's just that you aren't used to this new feeling of not overproducing. Nurse on demand. Setting her schedule will affect your supply. Letting baby tell you when she's hungry and nursing on demand will help your supply stay active. But you won't, nor should you, have that super full feeling all the time at this point. In addition the let down feeling may start to be less. But, it also may stay strong. That is different for many women.

As far as the anxiety ... you need to start making little trips. Don't try a full evening out right from the get go. Try a trip to the grocery store, or something like that. Make sure she is with someone you trust completely. The more you come home and find your daughter happy and content, the easier it will be.

Also, don't worry that she will think you're not there for her or that she won't bond with you (I think that was part of my thing). YOU'RE mommy! You're her WORLD!! And that is not going to change any time soon.

In addition, if there are days you don't feel like being away from her... let yourself have those days. It's OK to want to be around your baby all the time. It's OK to hold her alot. It's OK to lavish her with love and attention!!! That's what babies need!!!! Some people have this idea that babies are supposed to lay in their cribs all day, not really need us, sleep through the night at 3 weeks old, and just generally fit into OUR day and OUR schedule.

Wrong.

Babies change your life. Babies NEED attention, touching, love, closeness. I never felt guilty for wanting to hold my baby alot... and quite frankly she wasn't having it any other way. I never measured my attention for her. She is a thriving, independent 18 month old who loves learning, knows I love her and is well adjusted.

You do need some 'me' time. You DO need to take care of yourself. Maybe try something at home at first. Have someone you trust come over and watch your daughter while you take a nice long bath or shower, whichever you like... or take a nap. Then, try a little trip out of the house. Because yes, you DO need 'me' time so you are recharged and can be the awesome mom you are for your daughter.

I would try to deal with this without the use of medication. First, it really sounds like 'new mommy' stuff and I think you can overcome it with time and some stragety. Second, even medications they say are 'ok' for baby ... STILL WILL get into your milk and baby will react in some way shape or form even if it isn't life threatening. Their systems are so young, medications can be very harsh.

Try the baby steps I have suggested. Also, think about whether you are getting a good amount of sleep. Sleep deprivation distorts our reality and can make things like seperation anxiety even more heightened.

You obviously love your little one very very much. She is blessed to have a mommy who cares for her so much and it is awesome you recognize that you need to change something so you are healthy for her and you! Baby steps. Your life has just been turned upside down. Don't expect to just jump back into your normal life or feel like you did before. You now have this little life who you feel totally responsible for. You carried her in your womb for 40 weeks! You feel connected to her... you were together ALL THE TIME 24/7 for 40 weeks! No wonder you feel a bit of anxiety when you leave her! She still was inside you longer then she has been out of you. Give yourself a break and take baby steps.

I think it just shows what great love you have for your daughter... but yes, it needs to be addressed and you need to start taking baby steps. I will say, my daughter is 18 months old. I can leave her and be gone for an entire day and not have a knot in my stomach ... but I still miss her terribly when I am away from her. I love coming home and having her run up to me gleefully shouting 'MAMA!!!!!' and throwing her arms around my neck. We both can be away from eachother...but I will say, we do prefer to be together.

Good luck. Congratulations on your new adventures in mommyhood. You're doing great!

How do you know it's affecting your milk production? The reason I ask is because when my baby was about that age I became very worried that my milk production was decreasing because 1) my breasts didn't feel as full and 2) he seemed to be getting frustrated while nursing. It turned out my supply was just fine. He was actually frustrated because the milk was coming out too fast!

Since I don't know how anxious you are about leaving your baby, I would suggest seeing your doctor, just in case. But, just to make you feel better... the first time I went to the mall WITH my baby, I cried all the way back home because I felt I had shared him with the rest of the world. Hormones are crazy after having a baby, especially when you are still nursing. I still don't feel comfortable leaving him with a babysitter (though I am thinking of doing it soon). When the stress of a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old get to be too much for me, my husband watches them while I take a hot bath or a nap. Just that little bit does wonders for me.
If you need more than that, though, do what you need to do to maintain your sanity; it will benefit your family as well. As they say, "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

In my opinion, if you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby yet, don't. Don't let others pressure you into it by making you think it's the "normal" thing to do. Only you know what is right for you and your baby. You said you adore her so much you can't leave her, then enjoy this time you have with your adorable baby; you'll be glad you did(she'll turn 3 before you know it!).

I had postpartum depression which often (and in my case) includes anxiety. I let it get so bad before I asked for help that I ended up in the psych ward. Twice.

There are drugs you can take while breast feeding. I am on several, Zoloft to name one, so should I ever be able to increase my milk supply (which took a big hit while I was separated from my son) and nurse again my drugs won't be a problem.

But having said that I will tell you something that my family, friends, mental health team, etc told me repeatedly... Your milk supply does not make you a mother. Breast feeding does not make you a mother and it is far more beneficial for your child to have YOU than your milk.

I say this because you mentioned breast feeding. I let breast feeding get in the way of my own health. Ran myself to the ground. This is not to say that I am at peace with not being totally successful (whatever that means I guess) at breast feeding my son. Truthfully it still makes me cry sometimes. But I'm getting there. My son is happy and healthy and has his mommy who is also happy and healthy.

I think that talking with someone who is well versed in breastfeeding would be helpful for you. Barbara Robertson out of Ann Arbor is an IBCLC and she's absolutely wonderful. She can talk with you about milk supply, medications and breastfeeding, and even postpartum depression/anxiety (which you're still able to get, up to a year after the birth). She can refer you to postpartum support groups (yes, you are still welcome, even thought your baby is a bit older), therapists/counselors, doctors that understand medications and mothers milk, etc.

While many moms choose not to leave their babies for an extended period of time, the decision should not be made because of anxiety. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being aware of how you're feeling, but please understand that it's not just an issue of whether or not you "should leave your baby with a sitter" or you "should stay at home" or you should "get some time away". Those things are personal decisions - but the anxiety that you're feeling that is attached could be a sign of PPD (or really just anxiety) that is very treatable and it can go away if you seek the right support!

If Barbara Robertson is too far, please contact me. I can get more names of local IBCLCs or other helpful support people.

Hi C.,

Whenyouput her down for naps, what doyou do? Do you use a baby monitor, or does she sleep in a carrier on you? I would try having her 'detached' from you, in the house, just long enough for you to do a yoga or relaxation video, with her in another room (like a nap) and the baby monitor with you. Definitely take some me time. If that goes okay,ask dad or your parents, whomever you trust, to watch her for 20 minutes while you go outside the house. Start with these baby steps and see what happens. It could be, after you get over the initial part of it, that you are okay with it. If not, I hope you would consider exploring PPD, becasue you don't have to feel this way. A little anxiety is always normal,but getting over that initial 'hump' is really hard.