Am I Overreacting over a Birthday Party?

How about you just plan on one party...give her the guest list of who you want to invite to the party. Then she can invite others too. Ask her if she needs any help preparing for the party. From now on when she asks you something and you panic say "Let me think about that and get back to you". Good luck!

I think it's nutty for anyone to be getting their panties in a twist about birthday parties for a baby who isn't even born yet. Relax and focus on having a healthy delivery and on welcoming you little one into the world. And you might want to plan on your child's father being legally something more significant than your boyfriend. Perhaps direct his grandmother's energy towards planning a wedding first?

First, I do think the bigger issue is a divide in the family that will only get worse. I won't go on a bunch about that because you didn't ask about it. But I will say that you and your BF need to get on the same page and present a united front. Hopefully that includes encouraging everyone on both sides to expect to celebrate things together. At least try that. You don't want to start your family by being pushed and pulled to different sides.

Having said that, I think you are justified in being the one to throw the party. I definitely think you should ask her to help with a part of it (be prepared to list what you are ok with her helping on- the cake? a special family dish? 2 games? decorations? you get the idea- don't just say "you can help because that is pretty broad and she could take over). If she says you told her you said she could throw one, just reiterate "oh I know, I was so tired from the pregnancy I think I wasn't thinking everything through! But I really do hope you'll help with X."

Let me tell you my story. My MIL is a strong personality and would take over my entire family if I let her. We get a long well, but mostly because I put boundaries in place and my husband backs them up. If I let her, she would have made every single decision about my daughter from birth. I have one child and I don't intend to let any raise her but me- but I welcome her involvement as grandma, with limits. :-) Here's what happened without a limit: Seven or eight years back, she called me and said "I'm sad I never get to make my son (my hubby) a birthday cake (they live in another state). Can I at least order one for him, pay for it, and you just pick it up? That would make me SSOOO happy." Ugh, fine, makes sense. So I got to pick up the cake, and the decoration says "To X, love mom, dad, and Y (my daughter)." Didn't even put my name on the cake!! Sounds trivial and petty, but come on. This is when I knew if I didn't hold the line, she would march right through it.

Be kind, be open, be generous. But don't be a doormat, and don't let your BF allow it either. Good luck!

Your son will be lucky to be loved by many. My kids have always had a multiple celebrations if we don't throw one big party. (One celebration with each set of grandparents and a friend party. Sometimes they even have multiple get togethers with friends because they have different groups of friends)

Let her have the party for your son. Your life will be much easier if you practice gratitude instead of looking for problems where there should not be a problem.

Wow. There is a back story missing from this. Why in the world would you not let her throw you a shower? Why can't you have a party for his family and a different party for your family? And do you really think having 2 parties at 1 year old will make your son expect 2 parties forever? I get the impression you don't like your boyfriend's mom or want to punish her for some reason.

I'm guessing it's her approach you don't care for.

It is slightly odd that she is already talking about birthday parties and you haven't even had your baby yet. I'd just let it go for now, and let your boyfriend deal with it in future.

Some families do have two sets of celebrations - one for each side of the family (some have more). You decide with your boyfriend what YOU both want when the time comes.

As for your family feeling as if his family is not interested in them - that's fairly common too. At our wedding, my family and his didn't really mix much beyond pleasantries.

I don't think this is about the birthday party for a child. i think it's about the tension in the family.

So if I understand you, your boyfriend's grandmother and pseudo-mother wants to give your not-yet-born child a birthday party a year from now. You're worried that your baby will get spoiled and expect 2 parties forever? First off, if no one comes from that side of the family, it won't be a big party. Grandma will either be hurt or will find it was a manageable party to give. And why is this up for discussion a year ahead of time? She could give up on the idea by then, for all you know.

So why if your child gets 2 sets of cupcakes and a few presents? If she's talking about 50 people with pony rides and a bounce house, then that's not good for a 1 year old. So you take the pack & play and put him in another room for a nap, saying he's wiped out and an't handle the chaos. But why tell her now that it's no good?

Can you say more about why you turned down the baby shower? Does she give terrible parties? Or did you know ahead of time that no one would come from that side?

Let her give the party for a few family members and your boyfriend, and let her feel like a grandma. If your family will come to her house, great - your child can benefit from having at least some relatives who get along.

You give your own party for your child's little friends (which won't happen until he's 4 or 5 because they don't "get it" before then), or for your family if they can't come to the boyfriend's grandmother's house. But I hope they would.

What causes problems for kids is one large party of 25 kids and a zillion people creating chaos and a ton of presents they can't keep track of. It doesn't cause a problem if he has a few people at her house and a few people at your house. And if she gets tired after one year and doesn't want to do it again, no harm done. If she does it for a few years and he comes to expect it, you have plenty of time to do your job as a parent to teach him to be grateful for small things and not to demand that it wasn't enough. You use that same parenting philosophy for all the occasions when kids nag for this toy and that, for when their Santa List looks like the inventory at Toys R Us, and any time they start to act greedy. But you don't deprive him of a little love that would also make an old lady - someone very important to your boyfriend - a little happier.

A year from now is a long time. Drop it for now. What you will need to tell her the next time she talks about a birthday party is that if there are two birthday parties, no one will come to the second one. Tell her that would hurt you deeply if no one came to yours, since you are the baby's mother. Tell her that she can help you give the birthday party, and then proceed to talk about the menu.

Here's another issue you bring up in your last paragraph. You say that your family feels like his family doesn't want to meet them or be around them. Perhaps there will be two parties after all - one at one family's and the other at the other family's. That isn't too uncommon. The point is, who manages the party and where it is.

When I was pregnant with our 1st, my MIL did all kinds of things like this. She wanted to buy the first teddy bear, the first pair of shoes, the first hat, the first winter coat. You name it, she wanted to buy it or do it or whatever. It absolutely felt to me like she was trying to take my baby away from me and claim him as her own. When we went to visit, she would take him from my arms. If I was holding him and he started to cry, she would reach over and take him away from me (because what did I know about comforting my own son).

I felt very threatened, and my husband was no help. He would tell me that she's just excited or that she wants to help or whatever. I think if he would have just listened to me and not tried to tell me why I was wrong I probably would have been more ok with it.

My husband was right. She really was just super excited. But she completely disregarded me and my role as the mom. And it really hurt. And sometimes still hurts, 10 years later.

But I'm still his mom! And 10 years later, none of this matters. He thinks Grandma is great and really loves her, but he knows who his mom is.

It's hard now, but try to remember that you are his mom. Let Grandma buy things and throw parties and enjoy being a grandma. She is never going to be able to change that special role that you have in your son's life. She's not being sensitive of your place and is totally going about this the wrong way, but she doesn't stand a chance compared to Mom!

You are Mom, and she can't take that away!!!

I think you are over reacting and creating a problem where one does not need to exist. Wanting to do a first birthday party for him does not mean she will do one every year. But if you really have a huge issue with this I would first talk to your husband (before doing something that could put him in the middle between you and his family, that is not fair to him) and then try to come up with a compromise. If you must only have the one party, maybe asking if the two of you can work together to throw one GREAT party for the child would be an option.

Geez! Your child isn't even born yet and you're upset about his birthday party a year from now?

Your boyfriend is a part of your family and you his. Find a way to love each other. Work on finding ways to be family. His family is just as interested in being a part of your baby's life as you and your family.

You chose to spend the rest of your life (hopefully) with this man...your families did not. I don't think two parties is a horrible idea. You didn't say how many people were involved. If grandma is inviting 25 people and your side has 25, I'm not sure either side would be willing to host 50. As for the baby shower, it's normal for both sides to throw one. My MIL wanted one for her friends/family and my mom wanted one for her friends/family. k

His family may not want to meet yours--oh well! If you both have a "birth"day party, the baby will not necessarily expect one every year. And, many kids do have 2 parties---a family party and a friend party.

Also, just to throw in my 2 cents, I would not have a ton of people around a new baby in the winter. Maybe wait until Spring...

This woman will basically be your baby's grandma (technically great-grandmother, but since she raised your baby's father and is his mother figure, for all intents and purposes, she's your baby's paternal grandmother). So let her do the grandma thing! Be gracious! Let her plan a party. It doesn't matter if your relatives attend.

What matters is that you show graciousness and kindness to the woman who raised the man that you are going to have a baby with. She must have done something right for you to love him enough to make a family with him.

Imagine your son, 25 years from now, about to have a baby with his wife and his wife won't let you throw a little birthday party for your grandchild.

Whether or not your relatives and your boyfriend's relatives like each other, what matters is that your son sees his mommy and his daddy acting like adults, treating family members with kindness and generosity (of spirit, not presents and tangible things).

She's your son's grandma. She's not your boyfriend's ex-stepfather's former wife's cousin's neighbor. She's GRANDMA. Start acting NOW like you're grateful and kind.

Circle the conversation back around the next time you talk with her. Let her know that she caught you off guard and once you thought about it you have decided that you want to be the one to host your child's birthday party. Then once you say that stick with it. Don't give in.

She sounds like an excited great grandmother who just wants to be there to help out. She probably doesn't think she's over stepping when in reality she is over stepping. Your goal is to make is clear where you draw the line on her intrusion into your family. Don't be wishy washy about it. Think it through, have the conversation with your boyfriend, and then deliver the info to grandma.

This is weird seeing as the kid isn't even born yet.
I think any answers you give during the last month or two of pregnancy and the first few postpartum hormonal surged sleepless months should be explained away as not being written in stone seeing as you were busy baking a human being into existence.
Grandma (great grandma to your child) is putting the horse WAY before the cart.
Next time she interrogates you, you respond with:
"We'll see when the time comes. I'm more concerned with getting through labor and establishing breast feeding over the next few months.".
Grandma needs to get a hobby and/or go play some bingo with her friends.

You do realize that a family member or mother in law does host a shower and things for you for his side of the family? Same for your family.

Most of the time you don't mix the 2 groups. So many times the groups have completely different views on life and so much more. Mixing them up doesn't always work.

When I was pregnant I had 4 showers. My sister hosted one for me that my immediate family came to. My bff had one that all my friends came to. We had a blast. Then his mom had one for us and soooooo many of his family came. Then my church group had a shower for me during Sunday School. I got a LOT of diapers and clothes.

For my wedding I had a church group they had a wedding shower for me that was food storage. My family had one and I got a bunch of household things. His family was invited to that one though but only his mom came. My friends had one for me and I got a BUNCH of sexy undies and fun things.

You just have to grin and bear it. It's what happens when you join 2 families together and have to meet familial obligations. As for birthday parties...no reason she can't have one and invite who she wants then you have one and make it with your friends and those you want to spend the time with.

As for the baby, everyone will bring gifts to the hospital and probably won't come to a shower anyway.

Why won't your boyfriends family attend a party hosted by his grandmother? There is nothing wrong with having more than one celebration.

Let her host the family party. Make the party you throw a friend party - your friends now, and before you know it, the friend party will change and your child will want to have a party with his own friends.

This will keep YOU from having to throw two parties later.

What does your boyfriend think? You sound a little insecure but you don't have to be. You are the mom and always will be. If you want to cancel her party plans, just tell her. There is no need to fret over this for an entire year until the baby turns one. The bigger issue seems to be a lot of family tension/competition/animosity. You and your boyfriend would have to be the ones to work with each other in regards to them to create a peaceful family structure. In order to do that you have to communicate with him and decide what you want your family to be like. If the in-laws or your family are going to be obstinate or pushy or stand-offish, then they miss out on your family time. Personally, I would not care at all if my in-laws had a second party for my one year old. It's just more fun to go around! I would have my party first, of course, and invite everyone I wanted to invite. If they don't come for petty reasons, so be it. I would then graciously deliver myself and my son to the in-laws party and enjoy the day. Her doing it when he is one is not going to be remembered by the baby so he won't expect it every year, and you can tell her it was a one time thing just to celebrate his first year then put your foot down for future years.

Being younger I remember getting so worked up about things like this. I had the other deck of cards though. Nobody cared. I felt like all the in-laws could have cared less about my kids and basically still do even though on my husband's side mom's side and my dad's side, they are their only grandchildren. I felt like my MIL was forced to throw a shower for me. My first one was when I was really young and she didn't even know I was pregnant at the time. I thought with the second child, years later she'd be thrilled but she seemed more focused on me getting out thank you cards to her family that attended like they all did me some massive favor. The point I am getting at, is, at least she's happy you are having a kid and probably just really excited about his arrival. Is it possible she could just help make a bigger one with you? Why would no future in-laws show up? I'd try to find middle ground. It's hard to see sometimes (and trust me, I've been there) but at least someone is trying.. I would have loved that.

i am guessing this is your first. and i know that for the first month after birth parties were out of the question with how i felt from the delivery sleep deprivation and such. i suggest you let her throw a party this year and then you can do all the rest.

I have inlaws like this. For me the underlying thing is when they throw their own parties and don't show up to yours, they are acting like their side of the family is what matters and that you and your party don't matter enough to show up. As a mom you get to throw the first birthday and should be able to have all those who love your child show up. Not act like it's unnecessary because their party is the "real" party. And if they are the type, they start to throw more elaborate parties than you to impress your child and make your child not as excited about yours. My inlaws see it as a competition. If they are like this, you can insist on you and your boyfriend throw the parties and tell them what they can contribute. And she shouldn't be asking you this at this point in your pregnancy.