Am I Doing the Wrong Thing?

Hi L.,
You have a serious situation. And it sounds like you don't have a lot of family to help you out.
After have dealt a lot with living with mental disabilities, I would suggest a few things that might make the living situation bearable until you can see a clear path. One is, live the life of low drama. Make sure the things you are doing and saying aren't exasperating any situations. With Bi-Polar people, you can only offer them praise and they are usually not in the same level of reality to deal with outside problems. Unfortunatley that means the burden of dealing with problems lays all on you. But if you can manage this for the short term, the fights might lessen.
Sounds like seeing someone would help. You and your husband should see a counsoler seperately and as a married couple. I know it's time consuming and expensive, but there are people who can see you on a sliding scale... and the time you put into it will pay out ten fold.
If you feel you really need to leave, you need to start working out the legistics. Reality is, there is no prince on a white horse that will come and save you. You will need to rearrage your life, get a job and prepare yourself for work again... and do something to raise your self esteam, because from reading your post, you might have forgotten what a great and talented woman you are. If you leave, you will need to be more than just a mother and a wife... you will become Dad, counsoler, role model and provider. And if that's what you have to do, you can do it.

When we are fighting with our spouses, it's hard to tell them what they need to hear. It's hard to appreciate them for the people we love, and even harder to feel adored by them. If you can try to introduce just a little of this, it might help to lessen the fights and restore and remind you of what you of the life you are trying to make together.

My heart goes out to you.

L.,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stress in marriage is one thing, but when you deal 5 kids into the mix, ouch! What is it that your husband is doing to make you consider leaving him again? You say that he might be bipolar. If so, he needs to see a doctor to be diagnosed correctly. Living paycheck to paycheck, and trying to keep a happy family can't be easy. He must be feeling the stress. Unless he's being abusive to the children, you need to talk and try to work this out.

You need to start taking care of yourself. You're already thinking that no one would want you with 5 kids. You shouldn't be thinking about that right now. Are there times when your husband could take care of the kids so you can get back into the work world? You might feel better if you're contributing financially to the family. Mind you, I'm not saying that the job of a stay at home mom is not more important but if you're uncertain of your future, maybe it's time to step out.

Best of luck to you.

L.

there is a lot more to bipolar then just mood changes i should know i have it and my boyfriend of 5 yrs goes crazy with my mood changes the changes in my sex dive and the changes in my eatting habits there are also changes in the sleep patterns cause of bipolar men with bipolar if he has it have a hard time trying to fouce on everything and his thought alway some were else when they should be on what he is doing at that time the only thing you can do is to get help for it

Iam the mother of 7 children..4 from my first marriage that was very bad and verbally abusive..1 from my second..this one too became a nightmare to live in..I left and thought the same thing who would want me..Well Ive been remarried again for the last time to a wonderful man who has taken on my five plust a child i picked up along the way..he has one and we have had another since we were married..dont worry about another relationship now..there are places to help you..my older children have been hurt by the past and what they lived through..definately get counseling through a church or other places..lean on your family..when I left I left with my children and their belongings..the state offers food stamps and things like that to help you out..and I found to that I could put some money aside by pulling a little money out from my groceries..and other things..you can do this dont let your fears stop you..

L.,

I think that maybe you need some time for yourself. I have two children very close in age and when I was a stay at home mom, I was constantly fed up with everything. My husband worked two jobs to support us and he was stressed with work and everything also. I told my husband I wanted to work and he would say 'yeah right'. He seriously thought all i did all day was watch tv and sleep/ With two kids yeah right. Well i finally went out and got a job. He is now home with the kids during the day(only the youngest becuase the older child goes to school) he has made the comment plenty of times that he would rather work two jobs than take care of the kids. I love working and being away for those few hours. I have depression and have had it since i was 12. Being at home( even though i love my children with all my heart and soul) made my depression worse. (i was

Hi L.,

Not sure which you're refering to as the wrong thing, being with him or wanting to leave him. Being unempoyed with 5 kids will be touch even with child supprt. I think best would be to tell your husband you're thinking of leaving because (and state your reasons), see how reaction is. If he's not wanting you to leave but to make thius work then suggest counseling esp. for him to get him help if he is bipolar;. it could also be stress and work and kids. Who knows but i wish you the best of luck
vlora

My suggestion is to try counseling. Both seperately and as a couple. If you cannot afford it, check with your husbands employer. Some jobs offer free counseling to thier employees. Also try a pastor or minister you are close to. No, it is not good for the kids but it's also not healthy for you either. Take some time alone and figure out what you really want. And as an encouragement to you, I know of a woman as well who has five children. She just got married a coupla years ago and none of the children are his. Just keep your head up and everything else will work out in the end.

I am a little late responding, but here is my advice.

First off, do not worry about "what man would want you", that is not important right now. But, just to let you know, my father married my mother 36 years ago with 6 little boys, ages 1,4,6,7,9,& 11, then came me!!! Also, I am remarried and have 2 bi-racial daughters from my first marriage, they were 2 & 6 when I met my husband, they are now 12 & 16, and we have a 4 year old. But, that's all besides the point. You need to do what is best for you. I agree that your children are a priority, but if you don't have yourself together, how can you take care of them. It has been my experience, if you have left in the past and come back, then he will take that for granted and think you will always be there. You should take a step out on your own, and start over. Do not get me wrong, I am not encourageing a "split" family, but, if you have this many doubts, there is an issue. I would get in contact with some assistance programs. There are multiple areas of help for a single woman with 5 children. After you have moved out and moved on, try talking to your husband, and see if he will consider counseling. I do not reccomend that you stay together and try it. It sounds to me like space in a necessity right now. Do you belong to a church? Is there anyone in spiritual leadership you can talk to? Listen, there are alot of women in your boat, some in worse. There is no excuse in this day and age to say, "I have to stay", or "I have no where to go". You are a WOMAN, you are STRONG & VERY ABLE, to accomplish anything you set your mind to. God did not create us to be the weaker sex. You have 5 children, that in itself shows your courage and strength. I will keep you in my prayers.

Lucy

Hi L.,
I am kind of in the same boat. I have two girls from a prev. marriage. My current husband has the same mood swings and is also verbally abusive. On top of all this he is an alcoholic. He is out 3 nights a week shooting pool. He thinks he is God's gift to me. We are on very shaky ground right now and he has prev. moved out 3 times. I just found out last Tuesday that he was having an affair. I don't work and have no money. He is threatening to leave again. Here is what I am doing:
I have opened my own checking account with $20 I took from his account.
I have been on the internet searching for jobs. (Monster.com, Careerbuilders.com etc) Even if I don't qualify 100% I apply.
I have also started to sell Partylite so that I have something coming in.
Do you have family and friends that would help with the children? Even selling Avon from your home would help. You have to stay strong and know that there is a better life for you out there. There is a special guy just waiting for you and your 5 children. I know how hard it is to move on, I'm having trouble with that myself. I am here if you want to talk. Know that there are people on your side. This is not your fault, sometimes things just don't work out.

I pray that God blesses you and enlarge your territory to include his understanding...You are a very important piece in your puzzle and you deserve the best!! I want you to remember that you matter and that you have a job to do...Love is a beautiful thing but it doesnt pay the bills (as we both know)...I think that your husband and children need you to take care of yourself and think about what you can bring to the table...

L.,
There is a website www.verbalabuse.com that can be very helpful. I am in a similar relationship, but I only have one child. We have been together 10 years. We have been through individual counseling, marriage counseling, etc. It's not any better. He is also an alcoholic and that adds to that diplorable behavior. I am working on getting out. I clean, babysit, pet sit, anything I can to make some money. Put up a sign at your children's school for jobs you are capable of.
Good luck and feel free to write if you need to talk.

Leaving your husband only to return again won't do a darn thing except upset your children. You need to decide if his behavior is something you can tolerate, make exceptions for. If it is not, then you need to do something about it. I have been in this situation, as a child. My mother was a single mother of five children and was forced to leave with all of us, and we slept in a homeless shelter/women's shelter until funds were available to help us. If this is not something you are willing to sacrifice for then learn to be more tolerant but don't fight in front of the kids. Getting a job opposite hours can help, but if this is a dangerous environment then forget it, it's time to go! Good luck!