Adoption Question???

I truly believe you should tell her, before someone in the family thinks she needs to know. Both my children are adopted and have known from day one.

If she wants to know why her birth dad isn't in the picture tell her he wasn't ready to be the kind of father you need and deserve. It takes more than having the same type of hair of features to be a Dad. You have a real Dad in every other sence. That is what a Dad is.

Take care
J.

I haven't been through this but it does seem like your daughter is somewhat aware that there's differences between her and her brother. I would sit her down and be honest. You don't need to go into too much detail about what a jerk her biological Dad is...but just let her know that her stepdad IS her father and he loves her as if she were his own and all that. I don't think she's too young (the longer you wait the more resentful she may feel for being "lied" to or misled). Since she's asking now...now is the perfect opportunity. Good luck!!! I hope everything goes well.

A.-

She's not too young, but keep it simple. Both my children are adopted and were adopted at birth. In fact, my husband and I were both there at the hospital when they were born and brought them home from the hospital. They have always known they were adopted.

I would offer 2 thoughts - Keep it simple and no big deal. Just tell her that your husband is her Dad legally and in his heart and soul. Tell her that her biological father wasn't able to be around and wasn't ready to be a Dad, so you found a wonderful man who loved you all and was ready.
DO NOT go into the issues with her biological father - that can come when she's older.

My second thought would be: if she wants to meet him, tell her you will help her find him when she's older --like 18 or so. That's what our agreement is with our childrens birthparents and that out daughter accepts that answer. She'll be old enough to handle whatever the situation is like with him then, and you won't have to worry about it.

God bless you all -
C.

I've adopted all of my girls, and we started out with them knowing they were adopted and celebrate it.

I would tell your daughter right away - Shannon is right in that you don't want to let her think you misled her. Paint an age-appropriate story about her birth father not being able or interested at that time to be her parent, and you loved her enough to find a fantastic daddy who loves her and is her real daddy. As she gets older you can choose to share more details with her, and more fully paint the full story. My guess is by the time she is 12 or so, she'll want the full story.

Best wishes to you, and good luck with your conversation!

I think what you've just told us is great! Don't tell your daughter that her biological father is not a good person (she may see that as a reflection on herself and her blood, especially when she's a bit older), but tell her that he wasn't cut out to be a daddy - some people just aren't. Tell her that it was better that you be away from someone like that, so that you could find someone who would be a good daddy. She should know that your husband loved her from the very beginning - that he loved her so much he wanted to be her real daddy. At this age, you need to tell the truth, but you don't need to go into details that aren't age-approrpriate. Her biological father's suitability to meet her can be discussed when she's a teenager or older if she expresses an interest. Right now, I would focus on the positives of her relationship with her father and not the negatives of the man who helped create her. Good luck.

A.-
My son is adopted and knows. He has "always" known. We celebrate anniversaries (2/14 I met my son for the first time and 12/14 I picked him up). These are very special days for him. He knows our dates and reminds me when they are coming up and that we have to plan something special. I would be very honest (as the other mamas said), keep it age appropriate, and most of all she needs to know that family is about the people who love us and we love back (not about blood relations). Maybe Dad can set up a special day for just the two of them to celebrate her adoption?
S.

Seems to me she knows something is off, so I would take her off alone in a bedroom or catch her in her bedroom and go in and say something to the effect of Honey I would like to tell you a story. It is a very special story because it is the story about how I became a mommy. would you like to hear it? Trust me, she will & she will be thankful that you were upfront & honest about it. Be as truthful as you can without portraying ex in a bad way. If she wants to meet him, just let her know that should be something she does when she is older, if she still feels the need to. My daughter is adopted since 4 days old. I have video of our gotcha day & her birthparent were there. I included a picture of them & the adoption agency in a memory picture book that we read & look through often. She has always known. She is 5 now & I just mailed a package through the agency to her birthmom & I read the letter I was sending to my daughter so she is aware of what information is being given & if there is something she wants to have kept private, then I take it out of the letter. It is then her story to tell as she wishes, but I would include the adopted dad & brother in on the conversation at some point so that there are no secrets within the family. As a tweenager, you will want to discuss his addictions with her so that she can be aware of the role genetics can play and that she can be predisposed to addictions as well. Best of luck & oh yeah, let her know that the reason you haven't shared this story before is because you just didn't know how.

Like Sandy below, my daughter has always known she is adopted. Our situation is a little different in that she is my biological neice and my sister was not ready to be a mom. When she was very young she knew that she "didn't come from my tummy" and that was no big deal. She is the first person to say she loves her life! Good luck!

I would tell her. It shouldn't be a secret, she did nothing wrong.

Since most adoptions are based on the child not being related to either of the parents, I would start first by letting her know that she is your daughter, no ifs ands or buts about it.

I wouldn't candy coat what her father is like, but I wouldn't tell her everything either.

M.

This has happened to me. I was pregnant with my third daughter and I divorced my ex. I was 5 months when I met my current husband. When my third daughter was born my ex asked for a test to make sure she was his and not my current husband. The courts told him that the test was 99.99999% that he was the father. About 5 months after she was born he said that he would give up his rights to all of my children. So my husband adopted all three of them. The two oldest never like to go with their father when they had to and know they were happy. As my third daughter grow, my oldest children tried to keep it a secret but you know how siblings are. I told my daughter what kind of bio father she had. The two oldest have let her know also. The best thing you can do is to tell her and let her decide if she wants to meet him. I know that it is hard to do, but you have to think of her and how she feels about this. Let her know that your current husband is her daddy and always will be. It might be tough for your husband also, but in the long run you and your husband will see that it was for the best. You both have raised your daughter to be loving. remember you will always be there and he might not even what to meet her. Please just remember that you have to think about how your daughter will feel after you tell her, let your express any feelings she has. I hope that everything works out with your daughter and you. God Bless