My fiance has an ex wife with whom he has 2 children. She is nice and, as far as ex wives go, relatively low drama. For the past 3 years, we have been living in harmony with her in a different, far away city. We had a nice balance of custody/visitation. We had our life with the kids and she had hers. Recently, she moved back to our (very small) town. I understand that this arrangement is MUCH better for the kids. My fiance is a wonderful father and he is ecstatic that his kids will be so close by. I was thrilled at the news myself, but now that she is here, I have found that I am making myself crazy with negative feelings about her and the situation. There are many opportunities for the two of them to be the co-parents that they should be (ie: sports, bday parties, school functions, etc). The thing that upsets me is that there is less room for me. I used to handle the parties, I used to take them clothes shopping, etc.
My other major concern is that she moved here (strangely) without her husband. I don't know if they are breaking up or what?? Now, on top of the loss of "mommy responsibilities" I can't shake the fear that she wants him back. Basically, I am walking around like an insecure, jealous, nit-picking basket case. It's affecting my relationship with the fam that I love so much, and contributing to an unhappy pregnancy. I want to be the secure happy productive wife/stepmom that I was before. Most of all, I don't want to walk around w all this negativity anymore.
I wish that I could report that everything is a-okay, but things have gone from bad to much worse. I had a sneaky suspicion that my fiance was helping the ex-wife with some of her expenses, so I checked his bank account (we maintain seperate checking accounts at my request). I found that he had purchased $2,000 worth of furniture for her home. His excuse was that she moved back to the area so that his kids could be close to him, and since she moved here with nothing, he felt obligated to help her. I had asked him once before if he was helping her and he said no. He apologized for lying and said that he would always keep me aprised of money that he was giving her. Now, I just can't get over my anger. I love him and I love his children, but I wake up sick with anger every moring. He agreed to go to counseling, but I just don't feel like I can get over it.
When I confronted her, she said it was just a loan (that I am certain she will never repay), and informed me that it was between the two of them and I was "just the girlfriend who was having the baby." I am infuriated, but trying to be the bigger person. I just don't know how much I can take.
If you keep in mind how much better this is for the children it should help you stay strong. The kids need their father. They have suffered enough. If the situation is too difficult for you perhaps it's time to do some serious soul searching. Maybe he is not the man for you. If you marry him, you get the whole package: the kids, the family and the ex-wife too. The children's needs must always come first.
Take a deep breath and relax. Sure, easy for me to say when I'm not in the midst of the situation and pregnant (with all of those hormones coursing through my veins), but the best thing that you can do for yourself and everyone right now is try, try, try your best to just be observant about the situation and not jump to conclusions. Just be watchful of how the whole thing play out as dispassionately as possible. There are a lot of different scenarios on what's going on and how this may all play out. For all we know, the ex may be so over your husband and he so over her that the thought of them getting back together could send them into a fit of hysterics.
To be sure, this is an uncomfortable situation to be in and the fact that you are pregnant is going to make you feel especially vulnerable to the possibility that you may end up being betrayed, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to just be observant and put all judgments aside until you have something in front of you that is not based upon fear and supposition. If you need to, you can always discuss your concerns with your fiance, as nicely and calmly as possible, and tell him that what you need most right now is a whole lot of reassurance from him of your place in his life. If he's a good guy, he may need a little bit of help understanding your point of view since cheating is not something that is is part of his psyche but he will end up giving you the TLC that you need.
Sending positive thoughts your way and best wishes for the future.
L.
Like you said, this is best for the kids & they are & should be #1. We adults have to be the mature ones. You also need to realize that you took this on when you got involved with a man who has children - X wife, mother of his children, and so you need to deal with the choices you made. I don't mean to sound harsh, just realistic. I understand your fears, especially now that you are pregnant & unwed. I hope this is a lesson to other woman who are considering getting involved with men with children. It isn't easy for anyone involved, especially for the children. As women of subseqent marriages, I think we fantasize that we will be #1 in our mans' lives when in reality this isn't usually the case in the end. Sorry you are having to deal with this, and hopefully you'll continue putting the children first, especially after your new baby is born. This will only bring you & your fiance closer. Also, don't discuss this with him unless he gives you real reason to. Be the best partner you can be, loving, secure, good to his kids, etc. Then you will be the woman he wants. If you create an environment that is stressful, angry & bitter, why would he want to be with you? Only makes sense, hey? It's in your control! Do the best with what you've got!
Hi A., you related him as your fiance, and I believe you are feeling the way you are becasue you know he's not really yours, is there a reason that you and him are not married? I lived with my husband for a year before we got married, and even though he did nothing to make me feel insecure I was, with out a marriage license, you don't belong to one another not legaly anyway, I think also you feel like she is stepping on your toes. You have to make a decision, to not be negetive,
if she wants him back, then deal with that when the time comes, but don't barrow things to worry about, be her friend, the only difference now is you and her will have to co-exsist with the responsibilities with the kids, you will have less resposibilty than what you have had, but you can make that work. Their a family, that'sot going to change, actually, I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but not being married to their dad, you are not really their step mom, it's a heart issue and I understand that, but I would want something more legal to make you feel more secure. The Holidaya are coming up, you have a new baby coming, why not get married, and make this holiday Season about family. Don't let fear creep in, it's not good for you or your baby. Here's something that one of our Pastors ay church said like 10 years ago and I have it laminated on my ket chain.
Fear is false evidence appering real! I hope I didn't come accross to harsh or insensitive like some hav been in the habit of accusing me of, but I wanted to be real with you, you are only two years younder than my oldest child, and if my child was in the situation you are in, I would tell her.him the same thing. I do wish you the best, if you would like to talk furthur I'm out here. J. L.
Hi A.,
It sounds like you know that you have created concern for yourself only, which is natural but definitely not healthy. I am the "ex" and when the "new" wife came into the picture I think she felt as you did. Her and I had it out bc she believed I wanted my "ex" back.... long story short, she realized that we only had our daughter's interest in mind and they are happily married with 3 children and I am happily married with my only daughter (with my ex) and talking about another with my new husband. The energy you are expending is not worth your health, sanity and most important you relationship and the kids -- they can sense it as well. Continue to be cordial with her and it'll make your life so much easier (and your husband, kids and their mom). By being cordial, your kindness will exude and it can only gain more respect from all.
Good luck
It is so great that those two children get to be close to their
Mommy and Daddy.
The most important advice I can give is to be kind and compassionate
to the kids. Focus all your energy on the kids and what is best or them
and the rest of your worrying "stuff" will fade away.
I feel we choose to bring children into the world, we must become
selfish...it is not about what we want and need anymore but about
how to care and serve our children's best interests. It is now their
turn to feel loved, nurtured and adored.
It is very important you focus your energy on being a loving, kind and supportive wife.
Take deep, very deep breaths when you are feeling threatened, release and let go.
In the end, you will feel good about yourself and will have really helped two kids.
Congratulations on your baby!!
First i think that you need to talk with your husband about your feelings and let him be aware that you feel left out.
I am a divorced mom that is remarried and i have an ex wife and ex husband to deal with. I feel your pain.
I have found that switching years to do birthdays and stuff like that works out well. For example.. We have the even years for our kids birthdays and our exs have the odd years. So on your year you do all the planning and preparing. Everyone is involved in the party or whatever. It works out great here. That way i still feel important and everyone gets to be involved.
Your pregnanct should be wonderful!! Fix this quick so you can enjoy one of lifes most treasured experiences.
Good luck to you and please get on top of this quick. don't let it fester it will just make the end result worse.
Take care
B.
wow A., i am dealing with a similar situation.. i'd love to hear the responses you get..besides the obvious (to just get over it) and it's not just hormones. My baby is now 15months and I'm am still dealing with the same emotions from time to time....
First off, you might be a little more sensitive right now because you are pregnant. I am wondering what you mean by an "unhappy pregnancy". Back to the situation at hand, you need to relax and enjoy having a little more time to yourself before the baby comes so this is a blessing. As for wondering about the intentions of the ex and your fiancé...everything happens for a reason and honestly if he is capable of leaving you in such a vulnerable time it's better that he does sooner than later. I know that sounds cynical but it's not...you have to be realistic about people and life without worrying about "what if's" because it's not worth the worry in the long run. We as women are strong, resilient people and we strive for happiness no matter what challenge we face. Relax and enjoy your time before your baby arrives because that baby is going to take a lot of your time and there will be times where you will miss the freedom you once had. Speaking as a mom, it's important that the kids have both parents around and although you are attached to the kids, they are her children and you are their soon to be step mom which is a different yet important role of it's own. Embrace it and if you can, try to form a relationship with the ex so you can be involved as the step-parent. Ultimately that is what's best for the kids because having mom and step mom against each other just makes things uncomfortable. Best wishes.
I can understand you feeling uneasy, but your pregnancy hormones are probably getting the best of you right now as well. Try to imagine how she must feel. She moved away from her husband to be near her kids and you have her ex-husband, her kids 1/2 the time, and you guys have moved on and started another family as well. She is probably just as intimidated, jealous, and insecure as you are. My ex-husband and I are both remarried. He got married first and for years, it was hard for me to go to the sporting events and parties because they were "so happy" and I was a divorced, single mom. Now that I am also remarried, none of those feelings resurface and we are able to sit at graduations together, go to each other's houses for parties, etc. Soon you will be very busy with your own little baby and you probably won't have to worry as much if the other children are getting enough attention and getting all of their needs met. I use to hate it if my kids' step mom would brush their hair but now I have learned to appreciate everything she does. Recently, she took my oldest daughter shopping to get every possible thing she will need in her dorm room-including the bedspread and sheet set I was supposed to buy my daughter. I spent a day being upset that she seemed to "take over" and step on my territory but after I calmed down I thought to myself that they probably just came across what my daughter was looking for and purchased it while they were there and it was available (we were having some issues with things being back ordered when we tried to buy a similar bedspread.) I have learned to try not to take things so personally, because that is not how she ever means it. She is not vindictive, only a caring and nurturing step mom. Perhaps his ex-wife will learn to accept you as the same. I have also started a new family and have a 2 year old and another due in Dec 08 (the 21st). My ex-husband adores my 2-year-old boy and will even come outside to see him when I stop by and don't come in. I also doubt that she will want her ex-husband back. It's possible, but even so.......would he really go back when you're expecting a newborn? Try not to feel so threatened and keep in mind that she might feel the same way and then some.
Maybe you can move your wedding up and at least go down to the justice of the peace. Explain to your husband that you'd like the ceremony completed before the baby is brought into this world. Even actually being married might not make you feel better. The ring and the paperwork does not make someone committed. It's their heart and their mind that do that, whether you're officially married or not. There is a reason they got divorced in the first place. I'm sure those reasons are still valid. Don't worry and try to enjoy the last few months of your pregnancy.
with all honesty, and really Im not trying to be harsh, getting involved with a man that has children is complicated so you should have been aware that things could get a bit crazy. Having said that I agree with other posters that perhaps the hormones are having a part of the craziness. Ive learned from experience that you cant prevent things from happening. If he is going to go back to her it will happen regardless of what you do. If he is going to stay with you he will stay with you regardless of what the ex does? know what I mean? so dont worry yourself and stress about the what ifs. deal with one day at a time and dont forget to breathe. focus on your new baby on the way and try to get your guy involved that way with dr appointments, doing the nursery and starting a registry.
Making babies out side of marriage is an insecure place to be with or without an ex wife in the pictue. I think your feelings are justified.
I think first of all, you need to talk 1 on 1 with your fiance about your insecurities. Ask him where he sees your relationship going. Ask him how he feels about his ex. Let him know that you will support their relationship as parents together only, and that you would rather them not have contact about other issues. I think it will be important to the new baby to have parents that are married. You can't force your fiance to want to be married again, but at least you will know where things stand if you have this discussion. As far as the older kids, please let their mom be their mom. Let her have as much visitation as she is able to, go to school events/shopping/parties, etc. with them when possible. Do not say negative things to them about their mom or let anyone talk badly about her in front of them. That can really be damaging to kids. As far as the kids go, it is natural for them to want their parents back together on some level. Try not to let that upset you. As your due date grows closer, they may become more resentful of the new baby because that is one more person they have to share their dad with. They may act out at school or home or regress in developmental stages in order to get more attention. Stepfamilies are not as easy as tv makes them seem to be. Your role to the kids should be as a supportive adult, not their mom. Just be there to listen and talk with them if they need it. Encourage their relationship with their mom and dad. Get your fiance to spend more 1 on 1 time with each child separately. Also, try to get more support for yourself from friends and your family as your due date nears. Good luck with everything and congratulations on the new baby.
Further is better, but when your baby arrives just dwell on giving that baby all the love it deserves and you won't have time to think about the ex. Believe me, I have been through it all. Show him that you are the best wife, best mother and best step-mother there is! I don't mean do it all, just give all your love!
You poor little thing!! I'm not kidding, I'm so sympathetic to you because I am just like that. Though I'm not married, I was with my baby's dad for 7 yrs and the mother of his children used to scare the poopy out'a'me! Those feelings are totally normal. You CRACKED ME UP in the words you used to describe yourself walking around!
What you have to do is completely remove yourself from YOU, and it's all about what's good for the children. It sounds so cliche and worn out but it needs to be done. It's never done enough. Our poor children of this nation suffer emmensely and I was one of them. Love them, love them, love them all up.
Wendy
A.,
I think you have a reasonable concern. Being pregnant for
your first child and then having the ex come back and take
over again is hard to deal with. Have you talked to your
fiance? Why hasn't he told you the facts about her sudden
move without her current mate? Do you miss the children?
Ask to see them more often if they give you pleasure. I am
sure that you gave them pleasure too.
Can you communicate woman to woman with this person? Maybe
you should go to some of the kids' events with your fiance.
That is not as far fetched as it sounds and it might be just
the thing.
I hope for the best resolution for all of you!
Cheryl A
You may be insecure because he has not married you and you are already expecting and know his ex-wife is so close. You are in control of only your own feelings and behavior and can't change anyone elses no matter what you do. You need to continue to try to make a good situation out of a bad one. The only victims here are the children you choose a divorced father with children that is what you got. They choose to divorce and it seems they do have the childrens best interest. I know it is a hard spot to be in but that is what you picked so you must work hard to make those childrens both homes as happy as they can be so they see they have many people who love them and are working together as one and like each other so they don't feel stuck in between grown-ups. Remember they may be loosing a step dad and another adult walking out on a child is very hard for the child so do your best to make a happy home for them and you. Best of luck.
Sounds like you have some great thoughts here and advice. I would like to echo the person you encouraged you to talk to your fiance. Even say something like "I know this sounds silly" but this is how I'm feeling; show him your note to this board. You should get some solid reassurance and maybe he will be even more sensitive in the future. The way your are feeling is totally normal! Good luck!
They may be her kids, but he is YOUR husband. Make your boundaries clear to everyone. Take control of your man and your baby. Leave the birthday parties to her. Once that baby is born, you will have enough to worry about.
This is so easy to fix!!! And it is only an uncomfortable situation if you make it into one. You said it yourself - YOU are making yourself crazy. It sounds like your pregnancy hormones are messing with you, too. For the sake of your baby and your relationship with your man, you must get a grip on your emotions and refocus yourself and your mind. You are imagining trouble where there is none. Looked at rationally, this is a wonderful situation for all of you. Yes, all of you, yourself included. You are pregnant and should be focusing on your baby. You are about to become a mother. Once kids are on the scene, it MUST be all about them, their needs, etc... There is no room for negativity, jealousy, or insecurity.
The great news? You have created this situation in your own mind and it is simple to resolve. Just change your attitude! You are a woman on the verge of becoming a mother. Mothers must exercise a great deal of self control. Whenever you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, stop! Realize what you are doing, shake your head and laugh at yourself, and change your attitude. Do it for yourself, your baby, and your family. It is a part of maturity to recognize unhealthy and destructive behavior in yourself, and alter it. We all know people who never seem to reach that level of maturity, and they make life difficult for everyone around them.
You said you don't want to walk around with all the negativity. You want to be the secure, happy, productive person you used to be. BE that person! If you don't feel it, ACT it until you do feel it again. Don't allow yourself to become your own worst enemy. You can do it! I know you can. All is well, if you readjust your mindset.
A., I just wanted to tell you congrats on your December baby! Mine will be 19 this year. It is an exciting time in your life. My personal feeling about your situation is good for the kids. All of them. Her moving here will free up some time for you so you can concentrate on your own pregnancy and the many things you have to do to get ready for your baby. Don't feel insecure about the ex wife and your fiance, she is the ex for a reason. I don't think your are jealous, I think you are happy with the way your life is going and you want to keep it that way. There is nothing wrong with that, except, when kids are involved, we have to put our own feeling aside and focus on kids' needs. With their mom around, that will certainly benefit them and free up some time for you and your fiance for your one-on-one relationship. Take advantage of it. Maintain the good relationship with their mother and that will feed your relationship with the kids and free up your time with finance. As far as parties and school shopping goes, let her do that, she is their mom and you will do it for your baby when the time comes. You would'nt want someone else doing those things with your child when you are available to do it, so don't begrudge someone from doing it for their child. Good luck to you and best wishes on your baby.
L.
