I'll try to give the condensed version~ So my daughter's birthday is coming up and she'll be 9. She does not like to have big parties with a lot of kids so she only invited 3 girls over for pizza and a movie (an "almost" sleep-over).
Apparently 2 of her good friends do not get along, but she invited them both because she didn't want to leave anyone out and hurt their feelings. One of the girls has been in her class and her best friend since kindergarten (they are now in 3rd grade), but this year is in a different class. ( I know her kinder friend well. She's an absolute sweetheart. I also know that she speaks her mind if she doesn't like something, but not usually in a rude way.)Since her best friend isn't in her class (and she doesn't get to see her for every recess because she's in a combo class), my daughter has become friends with a girl in her class and plays with her a lot, and talks about her lot. It's fairly typical for her to have several friends, but buddy up with just one most of the time, so it doesn't surprise me for her to be talking more about one friend than others.
It seems like there's been a conflict between my daughter's new friend and all of her other friends. It's been going on for a little while, but I thought it was just isolated stuff. So and so got mad because I wouldn't play with her or be her partner in class or whatever... Last Friday my daughter came home telling me that her two good friends had a fight and both have said that they are not coming to her party if the other one comes. She said they don't like each other and each think that they other one is rude.
After gathering more information from sources, it looks as though my daughter's new friend is and has been causing problems for quite a while. She wants to only play with my daughter and no one else, and doesn't want my daughter to play with anyone else. If one of my daughter's other friends come over to play, she tell my daughter to run away from them. They play "secret" games, finding "clues" that only the two of them know about. (A friend's older daughter is in a higher grade and sees the conflicts and tries to help resolve them.)
I'm not saying that my daughter is innocent in all of it. She has the choice of who she wants to play with, and doesn't have to go along with what this new friend wants her to do... I also know that my daughter likes the attention of a good friend and doesn't like to hurt people's feelings. She's been friends with all of the other girls since kinder, and this new girl is new to the school (started some time last year.) She's told me that she tries to get everyone to get along and she has even started to "schedule" her time at recess by playing with her friend for one of the recesses and other people during the other two. It sounds like now, after all of the conflicts, none of the other girls want to play with this new girl, so now if my daughter is playing with her, they've mostly given up on trying to join in.
The other thing is that the new friend call our house almost every day to see if my daughter can play. We don't answer the phone very often, so then she just shows up at my door to ask if my daughter can come to the park right by our house. She always comes with her 13 year old brother, and at least one time her parents didn't know that they were at the park because they said they were going on a bike ride. I don't like that kind of sneakiness. But I also feel like if her parents are trusting them to go on a bike ride together, why do they care if they go to the park? It seems as though the kids have a lot of free time, and I don't even know how much the parent's are home. Anyway... sometimes my daughter wants to go to the park with her. Most of the time she doesn't want to, so it isn't like she's eating up every second she can spend with her. However, the friend told my daughter that when she doesn't come to the park to play she feels so sad that she just sits on the hill and cries because she loves her so much.
I have met the Dad a couple of times, but I have never met the Mom or talked to her. I don't know if I should just sit the girls down at the beginning of the party and let them know that I am aware that there have been conflicts, but we are all her to have a good time, and just lay down the expectation. Or maybe I should call the family and let them know that the girls haven't been able to resolve their differences so I'm changing the plan. It's so awkward. I don't want to choose my daughter's friends. I'm just having a hard time navigating this whole girl drama business. They aren't even teenagers yet!!? What would you wise Mama's do?
So many varied responses! So interesting. Thank you to all who responded.
I don't think it's all that complicated or unusual. No one was telling anyone who to invite and I wasn't involved other than talking to my daughter and the Mom of my daughters kinder best friend. But I talk to her about a lot of things. I was asking for advice from people who had been through something similar and/or who had older girls and some experience. So it was interesting to me that many people said that I was "too involved." Don't you every think about what the options are and ask other people for opinions? There were a lot of people with good advice and it helped. That's why I love this forum.
I did leave out one important part, and that was when we were talking about the party, my daughter wanted to invite her kinder best friend and another girl. She didn't want to invite the trouble maker girl. Not knowing about everything that was going on and not wanting to have 3 girls at the party I told her she could invite one friend or 3, and that I thought if she didn't invite the trouble maker girl that her feelings would be hurt. I should have listened closer to what she was saying, but I was looking ahead to when someone was going to be hurt and left out.
This week has been mostly fine and the girls have gotten along, but it may be for the sake of the party and then go back to usual next week. I think this is all normal girl drama stuff, but I was surprised that it was starting so early.
I probably also painted an inaccurate picture of my daughter too. She's not super social. She does tend to feel more comfortable with one or two friends at a time than a big group of kids. But she's also not a sheep.She's gaining a voice as she gets older, and she doesn't hurt other people intentionally. I think the biggest issue for her in this is that she doesn't see the whole picture and doesn't realize how her behavior is impacting other people, or maybe her friends don't want to seem jealous or to have hurt feelings and so she really doesn't get an accurate picture to gauge it all. But she's 9.
The party is Saturday, and who knows maybe the girls will "bond" and it will be a positive thing. I'll let it ride for now and if something comes up during the party, I'll deal with it then.
Let her know you're there if you need her, but let her work this out and help her reflect on the experience later. Kids need to learn to resolve conflicts on their own without involvement from parents all the time.
I think you should call the moms to extend the invitation and ask the mothers if they could talk with their daughters about the conflict and whether or not they can get along for one night. My dd had a similar situation and oddly enough, the two girls who didn't get along all of a sudden really bonded at my dd's party (then wouldn't you know it, my dd felt left out ha!)
Kids this age flow in and out of friendships - one day off, one day on.
GIRL DRAMA! Been there! I bet by the time she gets home from school today all is fine! I have dealt with similar situations. I say invite the girls and woever comes comes. If they all do show up then so as you said sit them down and give a quick talk. I would just say to them we are all her for (your daughters name) birthday so I want you to all get along and have fun together! Also let themknow if they feel they are having any issues they can come to you. More than likely everything will turn out fine. I do find it a little weird that the one child spends so much time with your daughte and her mother hasnt ever met you, might want to make it a point to meet her! :)
It sounds like your daughter is learning to manage her time between friends well, but unfortunately she has a very demanding high maintenance friend that is still making it very difficult to spend time with her other friends. It's not a very fair situation for your daughter to be in but I think she's handling it really, really well.
I would see how your daughter wants to handle the party. She can't exactly uninvite the high maintenance girl, but she can let her know that the other girls are invited and will be there no matter what. If the high maintenance girl has an issue with it then she doesn't have to attend. If she does attend, then I would lay out what behavior is expected when the girls arrive, and what the consequences will be if the guidelines aren't followed.
So for instance, "everyone will be polite to each other; everyone will get along; etc" but if she turns all Mean Girl then be sure a consequence is that if a particular person is found to be disruptive or impolite then as the Party Mom you reserve the right to call their parents to come pick that particular girl up.
I would leave the invites the way they are. The individual children can come or not. Once they are in your home, you can intervene if necessary. I wouldn't have a sit down. I would only speak up if you see or hear conflicts. If necessary, you can put them to bed in different rooms (which is what happened a time or two with SD's sleepovers - either by choice or by adult). If this girl can't behave when she's in your care, then she can't come over to play or do another sleepover.
If you think the girl is way too fixated on your DD, then you can do things like limit their time. You can also tell your DD (and/or the girl) that people need lots of friends and that she is not soley responsible for someone's happiness. If the girl is just full of drama give DD words to tell her, "I'm sorry you are unhappy when we can't play but you can call another friend."
I do agree that when the girls get dropped off you MUST get a phone number for contact. Tell them in case of emergency but it can also be in case of high conflict, too.
I would stay out of it and let them work it out. If you start the party like that, you are putting a damper on things before they even get started. If I were one of the invitees, I would want to go home after your little speech.
This is really for the girls to work out. As long as no one is ganged up on or left out and as long as there is nothing physical and no hurtful name-calling, let them work it out.
J., I really think that you need to get on the stick here and deal with this. Go see the guidance counselor and talk this through. Include everything you have talked about here. This girl has the capacity to cause real problems - she is just in training right now, but she is going to awful as she gets older. And your daughter is going to be her target if you don't enlist help with the school.
The guidance counselor needs to get these two girls in her office and work with them. Then the rest of the girls, including your daughter, need to be brought in and all of them work together with the counselor to GET ALONG. This girl thinks that she can do all of this with impunity, and she needs to learn that her feelings are not the only ones that count.
NO girl should have the power to tell you who to and not to invite to the party. If the counselor can work some magic before the party, perhaps they will get along. But if you and your daughter cave to her demanding that you uninvite the other girl, then you are telling her that it's okay to treat your daughter and everyone else this way. Don't do it.
Dawn
Oh my Lord.
I was in the 5th grade and had a "friend" corner me in the bathroom at school telling me I had to choose between her or another girl as friends. She told me I couldn't have both.
Listen....I was scrawny and didn't know if she was going to hurt me or what, but I felt very threatened. I HATED that feeling.
So, I made my choice.
I chose the other girl because she never would have done that to me or tried to scare me like that. I was shaking in my shoes, don't get me wrong, and it wasn't so much as choosing one over the other, I chose not to deal with a "mean girl".
Leave things as they are for now. Your daughter invited a few girls and if one of them tries to cause problems, she doesn't have to show up.
Fine, done, over.
The whole "possesive" thing would worry me. I've dealt with this as a grown woman, but not for long.
It's okay for your daughter to know she has the power to say, "We can all get along or I can't get along with you at all."
Your daughter doesn't need a list of friends. She needs a few good and true ones. True friends won't hurt you or make you decide things against your better judgement. If you have a good heart and you're just trying to get by and get along and someone has an issue with that, they gotta go.
That's just my opinion.
Ugh. (So glad I have a boy! Lol)
This is how I handle family situations like that (yes--in law adults acting like 9 year old girls!) I invite everyone & let everyone make their own decision about if they can stand an evening, party, etc. together & let the chips fall where they may!
I know it's a small party & your fear is that only O. other girl will be there. But would that be so bad? It would speak volumes about REAL friends!
Good luck!
Oh boy can I relate. My DD had this same problem at this same age! She made friends with a girl who was new to the school. This girl then became very possessive and controlling of DD- keeping other girls from her, starting drama, calling all the time- just like your daughter's friend. My husband and I jokingly referred to the other girl as Single White Female (remember that movie?). It got crazy, the teacher even called me to tell me that if the class was to all sit on the floor, this girl would prevent other girls from sitting next to DD. Yikes.
So what we did was first realize there was a reason this girl was like this. She had moved a few times and so it was hard to make friends, especially with girls who already had a group. Much easier to isolate the girl and keep her to herself than try to assimilate into a group. Not sure what the reason is for your SWF but for some reason, she is threatened by your daughter having other friends. I know it's a young age, but we taught DD to say "I want to play with you at recess, as well as Katie and Ashley. I don't like them better, and I really like playing with you, but we can't leave them out". Role playing this with her helped a lot so she was comfortable saying things like this. We also told her that if SWF refused, DD was to say "I wish you didn't feel like that, but I'm going to play with the others, I'd really like for you to join us". Took a couple of times, but this worked for us. SWF learned that she couldn't control DD, and if she wanted to play with her, she needed to work on being with the group.
So basically, I'm saying you need to teach your daughter age-appropriate boundaries. Find a balance between reinforcing to SWF that she is valued as a friend, but that your daughter won't be pushed around and controlled. It won't be perfect, we still had issues. But DD felt more secure in her 'place' and knew how to stand up for herself. The most important lessons DD learned were to not give in, to not chase after SWF when she had a dramatic 'episode' and ran away, and to make sure to affirm the friendship. Again, role playing was the absolute best way to practice these skills, it's a lot to ask of a 9 year old but possible.
As for the party, keep it the way you planned it. Changing it would only teach SWF that she can get her way. I like your idea of sitting the girls down at the beginning and going over expectations. And it sounds like you will need to be around more than normal. Facilitate games to make sure things are under control. Hopefully watching a movie is quiet enough to not be a problem. And reinforce when they are all getting along. Good luck!
OY.
I'm Soooooo glad that my daughter has managed (as far as I know) to avoid all of the drama. She is 11, in 6th grade, and so far she hasn't had any friend drama issues.
I agree with SassySarkie that it is odd that the little girl is SO INTO your daughter and has appeared at your door several times, and yet you have never met her mother. ?
That just seems very unusual to me. Particularly if you live close enough that she can walk/bike to your house. I also cannot imagine inviting kids over for a birthday party (just 2 or 3, like you are planning) and not having met the parents. Usually, by the time birthday invite time rolls around, I have met the parents of the invitees. It sounds like you have (all the girls from previous years') except for this new girl.
I'd make it a point to do so, unless you intend to encourage your daughter to give some distance to their friendship.
If you do keep plans as you have already planned to do, I WOULD have a brief "meeting" at the very beginning (once everyone has arrived) and set down the parameters and rules for the gathering.
Everyone will play nicely and no one will be excluded, etc.
Good luck.
This sort of drama is common at this age. However, I wonder why your daughter is willing to allow the new girl to come between herself and her old friends. I would talk with her about the dynamics as you see them and steer the conversation towards her understanding how this new girl is interfering in her relationships with others.
I think it's a positive sign in that she doesn't spend all of her time with the new girl. I do wonder why she chose two girls who don't get along to come to her birthday party. What is your daughter getting out of this drama? It would be so easy to leave the new girl out of the party. She is choosing to hurt her old friend in order to not hurt her new friend.
I suggest that you find a way to help her understand these dynamics. I suggest that she needs to tell her new friend that she is keeping her old friends and if the new friend isn't willing to include them in their activities she's free to not be involved. It is not up to your daughter to protect the feelings of this girl who is manipulative. Help her see how the new friend is manipulating her feelings.
Which friend is refusing to come? I say that not coming is their choice and that you and your daughter should just let that happen unless its the old friend that is refusing to come. Based only on what you say here it sounds like this new friend has been consistently not accepting of the old friends who've now made the good choice to not be involved with her.
It's up to your daughter to decide which friendships are most important to her. I suggest that the new friend is not really a good friend because she is controlling your daughter's friendships. Perhaps it's time for her to stop going along with the new friend's expectations.
If the new friend is the one who is refusing to not go, I'd let that happen. If not, I'd go ahead with the party as planned even tho only she will be the one there. It's natural consequences to carry on with the party as planned and let the girls choose how they'll handle it. Perhaps if the old friend doesn't go then your daughter will have a better understanding of how her choice to be with the new girl is not in her best interests. It really does sound like her old friends are more authentic in making the choice to not be around the new friend.
Talking with the mom about the party situation only feeds into the drama. I would get to know her if the drama amongst the girls continues after the party but I wouldn't get the mom involved about the party since you don't know how she'll react. You need time to get to know the mother while you talk about general things before you enlist her help in dealing with the situation.
ye gods.
WAY too much parental involvement in teh dramaz.
your daughter should invite the girls she wants to her party.
period.
those who are uncomfortable with the guest list can decline.
period.
the parents should keep a light hand on the proceedings and intervene if there's Mean Girlness, but allow these adults-in-training to start figuring out how to navigate Life.
period.
khairete
S.
I think that this has gotten way more complicated than is warranted. Her party, her guest list. Encourage your daughter to be herself and enjoy her friends how she wants to. Whoever can't deal with that is the one who should make adjustments. While it's good for your daughter to be sensitive to others' feelings, it does her and her friends no good for her to be encouraged to walk on egg shells with her friends. Teach her what it means to be a friend (not bowing down or walking on egg shells) and encourage her to be a friend to multiple people while being true to who she is. Then, stand back and let her do it. She's not too young to navigate this, especially if you've been teaching her all along. You and your daughter both can learn who she is by how she handle this situation.
ETA: That you pushed her to invite the other girl is a very significant point. I'm glad that you were able to realize yourself that you should have listened more closely to what she was actually saying. That's how we learn. Have fun!
I think that you should be more worried about your daughter than you are. It sounds like she is quite guilty of treating her long time friends pretty bad-and I bet there is a LOT that you don't know that is going on. What you describe is classic bullying. Also it is obvious that she does not have a mind of her own and is a follower.
These issues are just getting started....look for them to get way worse if not nipped in the bud. I would probably call off the party as a way of letting my daughter know the consequences of treating people poorly and following along with a bully.
My daughter was involved in a situation pretty much exactly like this...being pulled in two different directions, getting dirty looks from her possessive friend when she played/ate lunch with someone else, etc. etc. I didn't get involved much. I just kept encouraging my daughter to be a good friend and to invite both girls (in addition to other girls) to play at recess, eat lunch together and so on. I explained that her possessive friend cannot tell her who she can and can't play with. If she chose to not join them, that was her problem.
my daughter wins a lot of pageants so she gets girl drama too with her little friends fighting over her so we have to be pretty picky about who she hanged out with all the time. she usually will bring friends home to meet us first to be approved. the girl that stalks your daughter seems odd to me i probably wouldnt approve of her.
