8 Year Old Daughter Advice?

I honestly don't think there's a thing wrong with her. She's an 8 year old little girl who is sensitive and thoughtful. Quit obsessing about how she's not just like the kids down the road and just work on parenting her to decrease the negative and increase the positive.

Introversion isn't a negative. And invalidating how she feels to make her stop isn't a good idea.

I don't see major problems here.

She doesn't want to learn to ride a bike. The ability to ride a bike is not a necessary life skill. Drop the subject.

She gets upset when someone "draws on her picture." I would get upset if someone drew over a piece of art that I created too.

She doesn't like surprise gifts. So stop buying her surprise gifts. Before you buy her something, ask if she would like it.

I can see where taking forty forevers to choose a backpack would wear on your nerves. But you know you have an ADD kid, without her meds, with 157 different backpacks on the shelf in front of her. What did you think was going to happen when you give an unmedicated ADD kid that many options?

She doesn't want to accept things that she feels rightly belong to other people, and she doesn't want other people messing with things she feels are hers, especially things she built. I like to put together jigsaw puzzles, and I don't like it when other people mess with one I have in progress.

A lot of those situations paint her as an introvert. We don't like crowds, surprises, people digging into our emotional minds without being invited, and we can be emotional about stuff that other people attach no emotion to.

We need lots of time to process being around others and prefver to be alone, there is nothing wring with this. With inattentive ADD (my oldest has this) they also live in their imagination a lot of the time and have a hard time with empathy. We sent him to see a therapist for about a year and it really helped with that. Many kids simply want things the way they want them, I am like that. I don't expect perfection, but if I expect something to be a certain way or to be done a certain way, anything less is really disappointing, and I've learned over time not everyone is like this.

In your shoes I would take her to a therapist to talk about these "thoughts" and leave it at that. I wouldn't test her anymore, it probably stresses her out. Let her talk about what she is feeling and have a professional help her understand herself.

One more thing, we eventually had to take my son off the meds because they caused depression. As a consequence he barely graduated high school, but at least he did it happily. He's now getting straight As in trade school in a welding program. The kid just needed hands-on work to do, sitting in a classroom was excruciating for him, even being home and homeschooling the last year was tough. The more physically active he is, the better he feels. Maybe your daughter needs a sport or hobby or art class to focus on.

My son has inattentive ADD too. Like your daughter, he has a meds break in the summers.

At 14, he usually has a handle on things even when he is unmedicated, however when he was 8 years old it was usually a good idea to medicate for social situations, most particularly particular birthday parties and other group things. If your child is getting overstimulated when she is with her friends, you should consider it.

We also medicated for big shopping trips that could not be avoided, particularly when choices need to be made. The backpack/school shopping thing could have been avoided or reduced.

Having strong preferences and habits is completely normal for her. When it doesn't negatively impact others, allow her to have them without getting overly frustrated. When it comes to things that do impact others, behavioral and occupational therapy will help a great deal in tandem with guidance at home.

There are going to be times where you butt heads. You don't understand her or lose patience, etc. Always remember - you are the adult and you have greater control over your emotions. Never be the one to pick a fight and don't get drawn into drama.

PS - my son does not ride a bike, a scooter, skates...anything with wheels. He also does not play team sports. He is great at karate though.

He had 2 close friends. He grew apart from one with age as they had incompatible differences. His very best friend moved away last fall. Although he will play with neighborhood kids occasionally if they happen to be outdoors at the same time, that is a recent development. He has not found anyone he wants to be close friends with though and doesn't specifically issue invitations to others. He seems to be content with how things are, and he is open in talking to me when things bother him, so I don't worry about it.

I'm an introvert, and I would agree with most of what you've said here. I hate gifts because 1) I feel obligated and 2) a lot of times I'm not too pleased with what the person picked out. But I also cannot make a quick choice to save my life. And my stuff is mine without exceptions. I have a difficult time even sharing food with my daughters. It sounds like she needs more control over her life. Why can't Grandma let her choose which day to go to the zoo? Maybe she just doesn't like gifts. Have you tried taking her somewhere on holidays instead of buying her stuff? An 8 year old should be choosing her own clothes.

i think this type of child does best when she has clear expectations, and whenever possible, a good schedule. my younger is far more laid back than yours, but GEEZ that boy was a pill if we couldn't give him an itinerary! he was fine with it being flexible, but he HAD to know what was going in the upcoming days! surprises were just not his thing either.
since your daughter calms down and complies after you lay down the law and let her know the consequences for her melting down and dripping all over, she's telling you right there what she needs.
i wouldn't make a big deal about the bracelet scenario. i'd ask her why she felt that way, perhaps, and listen to her answer, and if it was clear it's something that she's really thinking deeply about, help her process it. but if it's just a momentary irritated twitch, just say 'sorry 'bout that' and sail on past it.
the backpack situation sounds like it's something she struggles with regularly, so set her up for success by prefacing all situations that involve her making a choice with a firm 'i will pick 3 backpacks and you can choose between them' (or do the reverse- anything that will cut the choices down) and then you have 3 minutes to decide. if it takes you longer, here's what will happen (i will choose it, you'll use last year's, tantrums mean we go straight home and you spend the afternoon in your room, whatever.) make sure she always knows the rules, the boundaries, and the consequences. be clear and calm about them. don't wait until she's in full cry and then get exasperated and put your foot down.
put the lego town somewhere safe and redirect them to play somewhere else. if she continues to obsess over it, doing what you did is exactly right. pity for the cousin, but i doubt she wanted to stay and play under the circumstances anyway.
let the bike go for now.
sounds to me as if the main thing is that uncertainty throws her off-balance, so keep her world as well-organized and predictable as possible, helping her to handle disruptions and surprises as they arise since of course she does need to learn how to deal. but as her mom, you can be the source of strength, calm and certainty in her world.
khairete
S.

My son has ADHD, my daughter has other mental health issues. Neither wer as pronounced as what your daughter is dealing with. I suggest you take her to a good child psychologist. This is not just inattentive ADD - there's something else going on.

It sound dramatic - but if your child is properly diagnosed by a good doctor she can overcome alot of the issues that are troubling her. I didn't get my daughter to a counselor until she was in 8th grade. In 9th grade we tried a few different psychiatrists until we got a good one who was able to diagnose her right away and get her on the right medications. What a huge difference! She's now going away to college and she's doing so much better. She was diagnosed with something we had never heard of. PS - she's super smart, she a beautiful girl (people would stop me on the street when she was younger) and when you meet her you'd never guess she struggles with a mental health issue.

I beg you to find a good child psychatrist. If they only talk to her and don't ask you alot of questions, or don't have you complete a lengthy questionnaire find another doctor. Yes it's not cheap - but if you spend a ton of money on a car or a vacation isn't our child worth it?

PS - we had no luck at all with counselors and psychatrists in the medical plan network. We pay out of pocket and get reimbursed through our FSA.

When I was growing up I always thought that ADHD meds were for the parents and the teachers. You know, to calm the child down so that the adults didn't go crazy :-) While there is a bit of truth to that, the meds are for the child. ADHD is very different in each person, but very simplistically put, it means her brain has trouble adjusting to stimuli or settling down and focusing. The medicine helps her brain to slow down and focus. My point is, you are not doing her any favors by taking her off the medicine during the summer. If she truly has ADHD, this doesn't just affect her at school. This affects her entire life. She really might function better if she's taking the meds.

People with ADHD very often have something else going on in addition to ADHD. My 5 year old has been diagnosed with Social Pragmatic Communicative Disorder (which a few years ago would have been Aspergers, so sometimes I just say he has Aspergers), and his psychologist said he could very likely also have ADHD. It is a great idea to take her to a clinic or other specialist to find out more. Our son's pediatrician has referred him to a Behavioral Pediatrician to get a more clear diagnosis. I am very grateful for this, as I am really having trouble with his behavior. I just want to have a better understanding of what makes him tick!

Our son recently began Social Skills. He works with a therapist once a week, and they have goals for him and a series of activities related to each goal, as well as a way of measuring his progress. I can't remember his goals off hand, but they are something like participating in a back and forth conversation, even if it's about a topic he's not as interested in, learning how to be a good sport even when he loses, inviting another child to participate, being flexible when plans change. I think last week they were going to play Candy Land and set up the whole game and were ready to draw a card and his therapist said, "I changed my mind. Let's draw a picture instead." This was designed to see how he would react to a very sudden change.

It sounds like your daughter would benefit from Social Skills or some other type of social therapy. Some of the things you described are probably simply her personality. She may never love surprises, and it's not fair to try and make her. So it might help for you to notices that things that really upset her and try to respect who she is as a person. (My husband knows better than to suggest we go to a concert together since I hate loud music. He loves it, so I encourage him to take a friend.) Still, it is something you want her to be able to tolerate from time to time. People are going to surprise her occasionally, so it would be great if she could appreciate their intent without having a meltdown. (I have learned to tolerate the occasional dance club and concert because my friends like that. They have also learned that I actually prefer a coffee house and board games.)

I agree that ADHD, no meds and 30 backpacks to choose from is a recipe for disaster. That is too much stimulation for must kids, much less a child with ADHD. It's not just you (or her), though. My 8 year old son has trouble deciding, too. For the most part, I just do the shopping for him and say, "Hey, look at this cool lunchbox I bought you." He, however, does not hate surprises, so that makes it easier on me. Sometimes he won't like what I bought him, and that's annoying to me. He doesn't want to go shopping, but he wants me to somehow know which shirts he would like. Ug!

Maybe next time you could have her look at something else, grab 3 backpack you think she would like and bring them to her. "Ok, we have Frozen, My Little Pony and Hello Kitty. Which one do you want?" Or, you could (not take her to the store at all) take a picture of each of them with your phone, show her the pictures at home by the backpack the next time you're out.

I bet your daughter is a wonderful girl. Seeing a specialist is just going to help you understand her a little bit better. That will give you some tools to help her adjust, as well.

By the way, my 5 year old is also very inconsistent. There are days nothing upsets him, and then there are things that just out of the blue cause a meltdown. It was hard for his PreK teachers - if they could predict what would set him off, things would be so much easier.

Goodness gracious, why can't these kids just be consistent. It sure would make parenting much, much easier :-)

Have you ever heard of cognitive behavioral therapy? She is just a sensitive kid who hates not knowing what comes next. She needs structure and rules and so do you. I have one of these and trust me I get losing your temper with them sometimes, but yeah things like choosing a backpack can be extremely hard for them. I narrow down the choices to three maybe four that I approve and then let them choose. It just goes better.

Decide why you gave her a medication vacation. Then see if this is a good idea or not. She's not a "troubled" kid, she's just a struggling kid. My kid has been a high needs baby her entire life! I did find her a really good therapist to talk to each week who teams with me to present her with consistent options that worked better coming from the "not mom" place. Good luck.

Over-the-top sensitivity and excessive apologizing after the fact is pretty normal for girls at around this age. So is what seems (to an adult) like oversensitivity about things such as, "I shouldn't accept this plastic toy even though X said I could have it" or "This really does belong to mom even though she said I could have it -- mom might have just been being nice to me and I should give it back" and so on. Also typical: Needing to control things like keeping her Lego buildings intact or being a bit territorial.

My child did a fair bit of that, minus the territorial stuff. And some of the "I really don't deserve this thing/this fun outing" at times. She's long over that at 13. So some of what you are seeing is very likely to be typical eight year old stuff: This is an age where kids can become super-sensitive to things like what is or isn't theirs, or things like feeling guilt over what we adults see as nothing.

I can't tell you how many of my daughter's friends' mothers talked about "Why is my daughter always SO sensitive? Crying at the drop of a hat? Angry about defending her 'personal stuff' one second and apologetic and sad the next minute?" when our girls were around eight! So much of this is typical stuff for eight, unless it goes so far overboard that she's in screaming fits or sobbing for hours. Don't seek out a diagnosis for something that could be just normal behavior for the age.

The Lego building issue sounds like any kid this age who has spent hours on something, knows another kid is coming, and is worried about seeing her work destroyed or played with. Again, typical. You are right to tell her this is about being polite -- Help her find some ways to cope, such as telling her she can use a sheet to cover her construction and they can play with Legos in another room, etc.

Regarding the zoo trip: Some kids simply do not like or want surprises. This can be a phase or it can be the kid's personality and the way they will stay for good. Think through whether your child generally doesn't care for being surprised -- she may feel things are being sprung on her and may not cope well with sudden shifts to her expectations for what she's doing that day. If that's the case, then it's her personality. In the case of the zoo surprise, it could be instead that she had in her head other plans for the day and was thrown and unsure how to respond. I'd err on the side of involving her with advance notice of ideas for outings. But she does also need to understand she should apologize and see things from grandma's perspective.

Drop the bike riding. It's not a life skill, as someone noted. Try again in a year -- she may be FAR more receptive. My kid only really learned to ride at about age 11. No big deal. If other kids in the neighborhood dash around on bikes, please don't point that out to her. Give her time and try later but drop it altogether for now or you're adding to her stress and yours.

About those "sad or bad thoughts" -- first, it is very good that she tells you she has them. Be very open to hearing her. Do you try to draw her out about what they are? If you are not sure how to do that, I really do advise asking a school counselor to help you script what you could say to draw her out without pushing her back into a shell about it -- school counselors are there in the summer too. But you need to see the counselor yourself, alone, for this. It's not about having your child counseled right now -- it's about your just getting some help in how to draw her out and keep her communicating freely, which is what you want!

Why is she off the ADD meds for summer? would it help to have her back on them? I think you are wise to get a deeper diagnosis but please be very, very careful not to attribute every little example of sensitivity or need for control as part of ADD or OCD or anything else. Could be, but these incidents also sound very much like regular eight year old attempts to cope with needing some control over her own life and time. That part is normal.

Hi Mama, Your concern comes through in your post. I think it would be good to have your daughter evaluated. Perhaps she does have some type of neurological condition, or is going through a phase, or responding to environmental stressors, or it is nothing to worry about. Why not make sure? Perhaps ask her pediatrician for referral for a therapist. I would let your daughter know that you are looking into things for the family so she does not feel like she is the problem.

It might just be her personality.

Some of this mouthy talk is the age. I saw it with my daughter and now my 8 year old son. A lot of it also is related to the ADHD. The irritability, social issues, obsessing, all parts of ADHD. A therapist can help you get the behavior under control. I would like to note that anxiety tends to go hand in hand with ADHD. Some of what you describe sounds like anxiety. A therapist could help you with that too. And I am all too familiar with the indecision. I now tell my daughter that she has X amount of time to make a decision and then I will make it for her. I give her a one minute warning and usually she makes it. She just overthinks every decision. Get with a good therapist would be my recommendation.

Sounds very much like my youngest, ADD with what looks to me like social anxiety or some OCD mixed in. We have never had her diagnosed with the last two, just ADD. What has helped her most is a very wonderful therapist who does behavioral therapy with her. The quirks are not gone and they are still a bit unsettling to us, but she seems to get along with the outside world better and handle those pesky thoughts that won't leave her alone better too. The therapist has also worked with us and helped us find better ways of coping with her behavior, which has been really wonderful too.
I know how upsetting it can be to watch your child do things and experience feelings that make no sense. Good luck to you.