6 1/2 Year Old Daughter Stepped on Leg of 3 1/2 Year Old Daughter on Purpose

Honestly, if this is the first time this has happened, I think you should count yourself lucky! I have a 5 yo and a 21 month old, and the older has definitely done that kind of stuff to my younger, since he was little! I think a punishment is definitely in order, but so is a good honest talk. At that age, she KNOWS she did wrong; she probably feels it was justified. The trouble is that she knows YOU think it's wrong; she perhaps doesn't. A punishment without a good explanation is not going to help; you need to help her see that physical responses do not get her anywhere. My two are boys, and I have finally gotten to the point where I let them physically wear it out. They don't actually hit/bite/push HARD, so I think sometimes it's how they send messages. I know many families for whom this would be ATROCIOUS--their children do NOT hurt each other. But I am meeting just as many (functional, happy) families for whom acting out physically is just part of life. Anyway--put it to her that she would not be happy if YOU stepped on her when you weren't happy with her behavior--turn it around--see if you can get her to "get" it. And then follow through with the consequences, although I agree with the other poster; I think what you have listed is a bit much.

You have a huge case of sibling rivilary going on and punishment may not be the best way of handling this. I had a similiar case between my two sons. While I agree with you that you have to "nip this in the bud" when it first starts extreme punishment is not going to help in fact it may only make things worse. You have punished her and now lay down the law.. simply.. you will not tolerate hurting your other child.. period and here are the consquences if you do.

I raised 3 children and I know how frustrating it is when there is someone picking on someone else. Hurting isn't ever allowed and that is the message you want to get acrossed. Reading your question shows a frustrated mother and a child who is probably thinking that she isn't loved by a mom anymore because mom isn't forgiving and keeps punishing day after day. This will cause even more resentment towards your younger child who will seem like the favorite child. What I didn't see is where you sit and talked with her after her time out (which is enough punishment for a first offense) and find out why she thought it was ok to step on someones leg? Would she feel bad if someone did that to her? Do you think she should appoligize for hurting her sister and help her heal the owie? If it ever happens again make time out a little longer or take away a privlage as long as it is instant punishment. Then have her hold a bag of peas on her sisters leg and help her heal and make sure she gives her sister an appology and hug for hurting her. Sometimes that is enough to get her to understand we don't hurt others. Drop it after that, it is done and you can't change the past. If it happens more then you might resort to stronger punishments but keep control. It is your place to choose the punishment and to let her have a say in it is like a judge asking a defendent what he thought his punishment should be for the crime committed. All she will do is learn to choose light punishments and not really learn from them.

I am in graduate school to become a marriage and family therapist and I'm the mom of a 2 yr. old girl and a 4 yr. old boy. I've been learning some stuff that has helped me a lot. A saying that's opt quoted at school is: A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Your daughter clearly sounds discouraged. Could it be your six year old is keeping you engaged with her by misbehaving? After all, she has your full attention now, you are consumed with what to do about her. Sibling rivalry is a common occurrence. Your older daughter was unsurped from her special position when the younger was born and now the younger one is even catching up to her skill-wise. If your child is misbehaving for attention, then her underlying mistaken belief is "I only count when I'm being noticed." She feels insecure and alientated. Her negative goal is attention. If this is the case you will feel annoyed and irritated. Another possible motive for her behavior is POWER. If this is the case she will believe that her strength is in showing you that "you can't make me" or "you can't stop me". Her defiance indicates that this may be the case. In addition, if power is the motive you will feel angry and challenged, which does seem to be what you are describing. You impulse in this situation is to fight: I insist that you do as I say. The misbehavior then intensifies. A third possibility is REVENGE. If this is the case she believes "I knew that you were against me. No one really likes me. I'll show you how it feels." She feels insignificant and her goal is to get back, get even. You will feel like you want to hurt or to punish her, which sounds like what you are describing. Your thoughts may be, "How could you do this your sister? I'll teach you a lesson" (by the way, I'm getting this right off a handout by Amy Lew, Ph.D. and Betty Lou Bettner, Ph.D.). Your daughters reaction to your correction will be that she wants to get even and make self disliked. What she really needs in this situation is to feel like she COUNTS. A constructive alternative to punishment is to avoid anger and hurt feelings. Maintain appreciation in the relationship. Offer her chances to help and seek support and help in identifying positives about your child. Most of all, don't give up. You want to change her belief from no one really likes me to "I matter". She needs to feel significant and valuable. The positive goal to replace revenge is CONTRIBUTION.

If your daughter is seeking revenge, you may find it helpful to work with a professional as a child seeking revenge is very discouraged. I did not go into length about strategies for undue attention and power struggles as the situation sounds most like revenge. This information is based on the work of Rodulf Dreikurs who wrote Children: The Challenge.

In conclusion, I strongly encourage you to focus on building your relationship with her and helping her to build her relationship with her sister as well as with friends. Perhaps she can teach her sister something? Help you with something? I'm sure you will come up with some great ideas. It sounds like she really needs reassurance of her place in the family, that she belongs, is competent and matters.

Best wishes!

I like all the things you've done. It all seems reasonable, respectful, and in most cases would get the results you want. However, as you say, the things you have tried are not working--so her adversarial approach is escalating, and then yours does too. What it, instead, you saw yourself as her best advocate? Imagine yourself inside her skin, as best you can, and try to really see what she needs from you. If her behavior is a cry for help, what kind of help is she wanting? My daughter was 11 when we had this kind of "something's gotta change" experience, and we have had a wonderful and mutually respectful relationship ever since. (She's 27 now.) If you want to discuss this by phone, let me know. Much love to you and both daughters!

She does need to be disciplined, but only one thing at a time. If she repeats the behavior without remorse, then try something else.
There are times when people are just not sorry they did something. We can't make them sorry. We can only make the action not worth the consequence. Sometimes remorse only comes after someone does the same thing to us. But you can't necessarily inflict that back on her, it will have to happen to her in life.
One thing that you could try if this happens again is to make her serve the person she hurt. I have had my kids do the person's chores, wait on them by bringing them water or whatever, making them the other's servant, lol. They don't like that at all. Especially if the other person isn't feeling nice and takes advantage of it.

Another thing I have learned along the way (I have 7 kids, there have been lots of opportunity to deal with this behavior) is that the more YOU react to this, the more likely they are to repeat it. Don't get mad or lecture, just make a rule across the board that you don't hurt someone, if they are remorseful or not, they get disciplined, you don't react any more than to find out what happened and dole out the discipline. I don't even listen to excuses.

Honestly, I wouldn't freak out so much about her stepping on her leg. It sounds like some thing a kid would do to just get attention. I have a 3.5yr old and a 7yr old, both boys. They don't fight so much, but they do really fight for attention, even though I know they get plenty with me being a stay at home mom! Once they start arguing, I know its time for some one on one time. I allow one child to watch a 1/2 hour TV show or video of choice while I do something with the other child, just he and I. then we switch.

I also make sure that me and each boy (and each boy and dad) get some special one on one time on the weekends. I will take one to the store while the other says with dad. Or one will go with dad somewhere while I stay with the other.

In the situation you described... she's not going ot show remorse because she meant it, but she got your attention and thats what she wanted.

It sounds like the things you are taking are great ideas. Maybe the time limit could be the clincher. I take from my kids and they don't get anything back until I see a change in their behavior. I then give them lots of opportunities to behave nicely in that situation. I tell them that, like anything you have trouble with, it takes practice to get it right. Give her practice being kind to her sister. I also tell my children that people are more important than things. I have went so far as to through toys away if they were not shared. They need perspective. Years down the road, the toy will be gone anyway, but you hopefully will still have your brothers and sisters.

Hi M.
it sounds like you are dealing with some jealousy and I personally think taking school and tv away are just going to add to that.If you have not read the five love lauguages for children I highly recommend you take a look at it. it helped end most of the jealousy in our house. what I have started to do with my children who are a little older is make them both sit in the bath tub facing each other until they can work out whatever issue they are haveing I only do this on days that they are really fighting but when they atart to act up now all I have to say is bathtub and they will usually quickly work things out. this has really taught them how to use there words and consider how other may feel. I also have had to do alot less refering because of it. Good Luck T.

Are you taking away all of those things at the same time? If so, I think that is too much and may backfire on you. She might get even madder and take it out on her sister again. Although it's not o.k. to hurt people and she needs to know that, that does sound like fairly normal sibling behavior. Does she really like the Polly Pockets? Since that is what started the dispute maybe you could take those away for awhile. I wouldn't take away the "summer school time" since that sounds like it is a productive activity during the summer and a special project that would provide time with you. I think some other people here have some good advice about focusing on the cause of the behavior. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has an excellent book about Power Struggles that can be really enlightening about why kids do some of the things they do. Good luck.

I hate to say it, but I think you might be overreacting. When one sibling hurts the other one on purpose, you should of course respond right away. One consequence or two (being sent out of the room immediately to time out, having one privilege taken away) is appropriate. Taking away one privilege after another and dragging this issue on for days is not so appropriate.

Your daughter will just resent you and feel angry; she is unlikely to recall the cause and even more unlikely to feel bad about it.

You may want to read some helpful books about behavior -- "One Two Three Magic" is a good one.

You might also find it helpful to concentrate more time and energy on what you want them to do (get along) then what you don't want them to do (fight and hurt each other). Describe out loud what you see when they are getting along well, and reinforce that behavior. Stay calm and point out what is happening when they are not getting along well ("Wow, look at your sister's face. She feels really sad now. That must have really hurt her feelings.")

Your girls love each other, but the older one is just going through a tough phase right now. See if you can figure out what is going through her mind when she acts this way. What is she upset about? Stay calm the whole time, and build on the fact that they love each other.

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. (what the heck, since it's not hitting home yet, right?) And suggest focusing on teaching your kids some good conflict resolution skills. Help them learn how to work out their issues between themselves. Once they do that, then there's not a fight that you have to discipline.

To get started, a good book that is an easy read is "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. (You probably can find it in the library and not even buy it unless you want to.) Another good book, but the part you're looking for (problem solving skills) is somewhere around 2/3 of the way through, is "Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso.

If your kids learn how to work things out, isn't that the better accomplishment?

L.

Hi M.,

I only have one son, but speaking as a younger sibling, I was VERY good at provoking my older brother and getting him in trouble. However, I was never caught. My suggestion is to inform the girls that they must play nicely together. Should something happen, a fight, one daughter stepping on another, anything else you deem inappropriate, put them BOTH in time out. It's impossible to know exactly what happened during a fight. Your older daughter might have been provoked without you seeing it. Make them both equally responsible for maintaining peace. Much less sibling rivalry that way. Good luck.