20 M/o Strongly Preferring Grandma over Mom

Awww hon, you aren't doing anything wrong. Your daughter is showing that your mom is a good grandma and they make memories together. I don't know if you grew up with your grandma close by or how close you are to her but a closeness of grandma/granddaughter is really a positive thing as long as grandma backs mom up and doesn't undermind her, which sounds like she is backing you up. My granddaughter is the same way, she wants grandma to put on her coat, grandma to take her potty, grandma to get her in and out of the car. Grandma's love is different then mommy's love, more calmer, more easy going but there is nothing that compares to a mother's love for her child. My daughter use to tell me "I like grandma better". I could have gotten upset and hurt by it but I would just smile and say "that is ok, your daughter will like me better then you too" which is true..lol. Grandma's have more patience and don't have to correct like mommy's do. Don't sweat it, just appriciate that your mother and daughter is bonding so nicely. I want to share you a poem I wrote when my granddaughter was born to sum up how a grandma/grandchild relationship is...

A Grandma’s Love
By S. Gose

Not all that long ago, I held my newborn son
Handsome and sweet, giggles and fun
I watched him grow into a fine young man
At 16, his love for Brianna began

Three years later, a gift they gave
A baby so sweet, my heart she did enslave
Emmalyne Lillian is as perfect as can be
Making a proud grandmother out of me

To hold her close and feel her touch
No other gift, could I enjoy this much
She giggles as I sing out of tune to her
It’s a greater gift then all the kings Myrrh

Around those little fingers she has me wrapped
Keeping me from house work, she has me trapped
I don’t mind, my house can wait
My little grandbaby and I have a date

I love you Emma, more then you could ever know
You touch my heart deep with the smiles you show
While no love can compare to that of a mother
There’s no better title to be then Grandmother

Copyrighted ©2006 S. G.

You're doing NOTHING wrong!!!!! It is completely, 100% normal for a child to prefer one PARENT over the other, and the fact that grandma has, up till now, probably been a novelty, means that grandma is the best. Things will likely change, if you're going to be living with them for a while, as grandma will have to start SOME discipline and such in order to just deal with living in the same house. When she starts to see grandma as just another parent and not the "indulgent" grandma (even if she's not spoiling--my kids' grandmas are pretty good about it--they're still gonna prefer gramma, if only because grandma hasn't disciplined them like you do), then she'll come around. Also, I would guess that in a situation of real distress--she's sick or hurt or scared (great, I know...)--she'll want you first off and not grandma. I've also found that the grandparent love, even when they're visiting, wears off after a little while and mom and dad because the good old standbys again.

I know you feelings are hurt, but just continue to roll with it. My 2 year old son stayed with my parents for a week in December. All he could talk about was "PAPA". He wanted to go back to Papa's house. Unfortunatly, Papa lives 180 miles away. I have to admit I fealt a little unsettled that Papa was more important than me or my husband at the time. But looking back, what a wonderful thing that he bonded so much with his Grandfather. Some kids never get to have that opportunity. We are planning a long weekend soon and I have to admit that I am excited to see my little guy shadow my Dad.

Your daughter will adjust when you move. In the meantime, enjoy sharing her and having an extra set of hands to help you out.

This is the same thing most parents go through, usually with the little one preferring mom over Dad. She really will get over it; their preferences change with time and shift back and forth. If she's still in MeMe mode when you move out, help her make lots of pictures for her MeMe and take a photo of her every week to send to MeMe and have MeMe record a bedtime story she can listen to after you read her one; all things to help her feel connected to MeMe.

I had that with my first born. My mom, also, not not doing anything wrong or undermining me in any way. I think that kids sometimes see mom and dad as a disciplinarian and grandma and grandpa as the playful ones. (thats how it was for me). My mom was the one who entertained 24/7, I could not do that if I tried. It really hurt and I even broke down a few times because it hurt so bad. When my son was born it never really bothered me as much. I think in my head I just wanted my little girl to want me ALL the time. it was never the case if my mom was around. I would expect it to happen as long as you are living so close with her. its good that your mom and her can be so close. Alot of kids dont get that bond with their grandparents. Good luck and hope it gets better for you.

I don't know how long you are going to be at your parent's house, but I think that for right now, it is just a novelty thing to be living with grandma. I am sure that after you have been there for awhile, she will quit wanting grandma to do everything for her, and you will once again be her primary source of providing what she needs. I am sure that there will be an adjustment time once you move into your new home, but kids are very resiliant and she will do just fine. I think that it is very neat that your daughter is forming a strong bond with her grandmother, some of my best memories as a child were times spend with grandma. You are the one that has to teach her and discipline her, and grandma gets to be the one that just loves her for being her. I know that this is hard, especially since it appears to be your first child, but she has plenty of room in her heart for both of you, and if you wait patiently she will start chosing you again over grandma, especially when the newness wears off.

K.,

I had to chuckle at Cathrine's response to your ordeal on the flip side because my daughter can be fickle like that and she generally is in the bathroom with me when I go. Unless my mom is here...then she's following her into the bathroom or at least trying to.

I think your daughter is taking advantage of the situation to spend special time with "MeMe". My daughter is very close to my mom, but when she's gone, she's glad to be with me and then we reconnect. I think it's great that my daughter feels that closeness with my mom because I'm a single mom and I want my daughter to feel loved so I don't mind when I become chopped liver when some cousins are around or whatever. It's a break from me and then I get to be me again.

I can understand your fears of her being disappointed, but I think she will be excited and scared when she moves into her new house. The scared will come from change, getting use to her new surroundings, but as she explores and finds out all the great things about the new house, excited will take over and she will be fine.

I also want to say that I think it's very natural that we want our children to want us over other people. I think we equate that with being a good mom, but I think experiences like this is good for us because it brings to light that we will not always be their whole world. Our children will grow up and become independents and letting go will be the hardest thing that we will have to do.

Good luck!

Angie

My son is 13 months old, and my joke is that "Grandma is just like Mom, only better!". Also, my son really prefers my husband over me.

Don't take it personally. Toddlers are known for being fickle and really becoming attached to different relatives at different times. The flip side of this is the child who has separation anxiety so bad that mom can't even go to the bathroom without a scene--count your blessings.

As your daughter grows, this sort of behavior will die down and things will even out.

Kids constantly go back and forth between who they "prefer". Usually it's between mommy and daddy, but in this case there's someone even MORE fun: MeMe! I know it's hard, it would hurt my feelings too, but try to focus on what a good thing it is that she feels so close to your mom, that they have a great bond, and that you don't have a mom who's gloating and rubbing it in your face that your daughter prefers her for the time being.

When my nephew was born and for the first couple years of his life my MIL was staying at my SIL so much that he thought Grandma lived in their basement. He had a crazy attachment to grandma and I know it was hard sometimes when she left, but after a brief adjustment period he would be fine again.

Kids this age just get used to their routines and once they realize there's a new routine they tend to go along. I find if you prepare them for changes or things in advance it can go pretty smoothly. We did this for big boy bed, Grandma moving, even our daily routine. When I tell him we're going to do something and then we do, he realizes that we're just going to do what Mom says and goes along with it without argument.

I think when you get closer to moving into your house you can talk it up and take her to visit when you're checking progress and say, this is where you and mommy and daddy are going to live, isn't it pretty? Won't it be fun? Make sure you tell her you can still visit Meme. :)

Oh, and in the meantime, maybe you can use my husband's technique of doing something fun whenever he has him by himself and take your daughter out just the two of you for special treats sometimes. No meme allowed.

Hi, K.! Maybe I shouldn't even tell you this as you may not be in the mood to hear it, but I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I read your letter! Only because I have a 17 month old little girl who absolutely fawns over MY mom, and guess what she calls her grandma: NeeNee! I could hear my daughter calling for NeeNee in every example you gave. Even my husband got a kick out of it. At least we know we aren't alone! (My LO calls for NeeNee to come and get her when she wakes up in the morning, and we don't live with my parents. LOL)

I agree with the answers I read: she really will outgrow it. This isn't permanent, I promise. I finally reached the decision that it was just a nice bit of a break to let grandma occasionally take over and give me a breather. Try not to let yourself get too hurt by it. (I know personally how hard that can be, trust me!) I'm really happy to hear that your mom is so willing to cooperate and be supportive of your wishes! She sounds like a great mom and a great role model. That's a huge plus, and a great blessing! My mom is the same way.

Just try to enjoy that your mom and your baby have such a great relationship, and try to appreciate an occasional lighter load.

-T.

I agree with the moms who said to be thankful for the bond and this is a special time for them. That being recognized, I also agree 100% with Megan who said let Grandma do the mundane things! Let Grandma help her get dressed, wash up, change diapers/go potty, and discipline! Once you guys as parents have said no snacks before supper, for example, have Grandma act as part of the parenting team, ie, "You know we don't have snacks before supper." That way it's not Grandma wanting to give the snack but you being the one to say no, ie "bad guy", even if you are 100% nice when saying it. If Grandma isn't on board with this, if she says you are just staying there in her house but she isn't going to become part of the parenting team, then I'm not sure you're going to see any change. And don't worry about her not being excited about the new house - who knows the mind of a toddler! Good luck, you are a great mother :-)

Living with parents is hard, We live with my mother, when we are not on the road. There are times that my son wants his grammy over me, but what I have found is that if she has to do the yuck stuff with him he then does not seem so attached to her and is willing to to come to me too. By Yucky I mean the stuff that is mundane and not special. Maybe have your mother do some of the mundane with your daughter, allowing you to do some special things with her and she might just switch her preferance of caregiver. Goodluck!!

There is really little else you can do. Especially if your mom is being so great and leaving the decisions up to you.

Kids go through stages and we just have to roll with the punches. I know our kids have gone through Mommy stages or Daddy stages and it DOES hurt the other ones' feelings. But we have to remember that our kids are not doing this out of spite. It's just a phase.

It is great that your daughter LOVES your mom so much. You just need to enjoy this small break you have right now and take advantage of the extra time you have to plan things for your new home or get daily stuff done. YOU will ALWAYS be her mom and nothing will change that. Your daughter will outrgrow this phase and will be running to you again soon enough. YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!!!

When my son was about 1-2 we lived with my parents and he did this. I understand it hurts. My mom told me to let her help my son and develop a bond with him but there was no reason I couldn't snuggle with the two of them at story time, or if I was feeling hurt play with them a little - not all the time but some. Now I know, because my son had that time to bond and we continued to let him he will call her and talk for a long time and if something is worrying him and he doesn't want to talk to me he'll go tell grandma. And that is great because I know he is sharing in a safe place and getting good advise and then she encourages him to talk to us. Normally it's worries about school but it helps him :)