Kids and Divorce

I don't know what to say about the bed wetting which will of course pass. But you need to SERIOUSLY shift focus in your home.

I'm divorced after a long separation and my kids' dad ALWAYS traveled 95% of the time. In other words: There dad has NEVER been there for more than a couple days here and there since they were born. Sometimes a week or two here and there. I know many families in the same boat as their husbands have the same profession. There are two ways of handling it 1) the happy way and 2) the extremely miserable way that harms the kids.

The happy way is to ACCEPT WITH GRACE that the dad is NOT in the picture. He is NOT to be depended on for important things. He will NOT tell the truth, he will NOT hold up his end of bargains often financially or otherwise, and therefore he is NOT the focus of your family. You do not TEACH the kids that they should depend on their dad and be heartbroken when he doesn't do x, y, z. The tiny child doesn't even have any idea they are being let down, unless someone tells them.

In our home, I was (am) the happy leader. We have a happy family. Sometimes, SURPRISE, their dad comes to visit. I never let them know in advance because it most likely will be canceled. Every time he comes it's a big fat fun celebration for them, and then like always, he leaves. Then it's my job to carry on as if everything is fine. Which it is. I sympathize with the tears for an hour or so, and then we're on with our busy schedule. The kids never hear me say their dad is a cheating, lying, irresponsible, selfish person who is three months behind on child support. That's none of their concern as innocent little kids. All they know is their dad loves them and sees them when he can. As they grow older, hopefully I'll meet a proper man to set the right manly examples in life. Meanwhile, we're happy. I caught my ex making empty promises once to my son about something they were going to do together and I BIT HIS HEAD OFF (when kids were not in ear shot) and told him not to EVER EVER EVER blow smoke up their asses or I won't be the nice, agreeable person he knows. He still accidentally does it at times because he's a bullshitter who lies to everyone, but I chime right in cheerfully, with "Actually we don't know what papa's work schedule will be in 6 months, but we'll see how it goes" and I shoot daggers at him.

This has worked well for us. Mine are 9, 7 and 5 and have NEVER asked if I would leave them just because their dad flits in and out of our house like a moth. I'm their full time mom. It's what they know. That's OK and normal that your son asked that, and good that you answered, but don't let your house have uncertain and scary vibes by acting confused yourself.

On the other hand I have friends who have tried to make their husband/ ex husband tow the line and let the kids try to depend on him like a normal dad and then suffer all the disappointments and hear the mom's frustrations. That does NOT WORK WELL. The kids are miserable that way, parroting the mom's disappointment over every little lost thing the dad was supposed to do. Lamenting how much their dad lets them down. Learning from others (well meaning friends and family etc who sit around griping with the mom about the absentee parent) that they're supposed to be upset by it.

You can't afford to and will not fly kids to him. Period. He isn't coming to see you guys. Period. End of worrying about the visits that aren't going to happen. If he starts showing up sometimes. Fine. He can let you know when he makes that happen.

You will not change the situation. You have to change the perception. Don't let your husband try to get sympathy with lame promises about cliche dad things to your kids. Don't let your kid pine away and be hopeful about dad and then disappointed. Take charge and direct your family in a positive way. Your ex will keep up with you guys or not.

My ex has REALLY stepped up in lots of ways as we move on happily through the years. The kids are high achievers and he comes to their events when he's able and likes to take credit for all the stuff they're doing..he'd probably be scared to come see them if I was the disappointed, guilt-tripping ex I could choose to be. Not saying you will do that. You owe it to your kids to focus on them and yourself and the real world on your plate.

Your son needs as much of his dad as he can possibly get. Even if his dad is a bit of a douche. Your son's father is every bit as important to your son as you are.

If you can afford it, you should send him on the plane to visit his dad. My son started to fly alone to visit his dad when he was 5, and he was fine. I didn't like it, actually I hated having to send him off, but I did what was best for my son. You can have a flight attendant take care of him the whole way.

Your son is already showing the effects of the loss of his dad by wetting his bed, and it's only going to get worse. Wait till he's a teen. You need to enable his visits to his dad, despite your personal feelings about the guy.

Always do whats best for your kids. You come across as vengeful. I understand he's behind on cs but you picked this jerk to be the father of your kids so do whatever it takes to let them see him. And yes I had a jerk of an ex that was behind on cs but I didn't talk bad about him in front of our daughter and drove her to him when he didn't have a car. She is 24 now and knows the true colors of her father BUT she appreciates all I did for HER because she is the one I loved.

Actions speak louder than words and I think your son is starting to understand his father is not following through on his promises.
It's hard but this is the man your ex is.
Don't bad mouth your ex but you don't have to make him out to be a saint either - just say nothing about him and let your son know that he's a wonderful kid and you're glad for every minute with him.
5 yr olds can have regressions on bed wetting for many reasons - school is one of them.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. It sounds like a giant pain in the neck. But, this man is your son's father, and your son wants a relationship with him, so you do need to try to help make that possible.
You said your ex calls about once a week. Does your son ever call him? Do they ever skype/facetime so they can actually see each other? Maybe you need to start encouraging your son to call him more often.
Does your ex know that your son is missing him more right now and having these feelings? If not, you need to tell him. Give him the opportunity to make it right, to improve his relationship with your son.

regarding child support, if you have a court-ordered agreement, go the courts. They can get you the money that you are owed.

I am also divorced from my children's dad and he lives in another state. You need to watch your words and behavior very carefully with your kids relating to their dad. Keep it light and you'll see dad soon, but not that he won't come and be very careful to not set it up that dad is going to visit or call or whatever it is b/c its possible he won't and then you get the disappointment. There was a time earlier in the separation where I would feel anger towards my ex when my kids would be crying how they missed him and didn't get to see him, but one day I realized that they trust me with their tears. I'm the one they share their sadness with and I'm honored to be that person in their lives that they completely and fully trust.

When he talks to and sees your children, he's the "Disneyland dad". He gets to be the fun, light-hearted one and the smallest act on his part may be revered by your kids. That's hard when you're the one in the trenches with paying their bills, helping with homework, bedtimes, discipline, etc. But, keep your mouth shut and smile when they tell you about the cool new toy dad bought (when he hasn't been able to afford any child support). Be supportive or they will eventually put the wall up and not talk to you about dad or view it as you just don't like their dad or don't want them spending time with him. It's not fair, it just is.

Please consider counseling. Even young children can benefit from play therapy and it can help deal with the emotions he has. It's harder for you because he used to see his dad and his dad still calls, but don't make any promises and don't excuse him. "I don't know" is an acceptable answer.

My MIA father tried the same thing - no visitation for a long time and thought that "supervised" could be his parents for 2 weeks after such a long absence. He was angry when my mom said so. At that point, my sister barely remembered him. Find out what your state's options are re: long distant visitation.