How Do I Handle This Gracefully?

So what it really is, is that you are the babysitter. The grandparents know EXACTLY what they are doing. They are using you.

The little girl knows how to manipulate you to get what she wants. She's not being bad - she is bored out of her noggin staying at the grands. They aren't interested in her.

It's time to tell her that you can't babysit her anymore. Use the word babysit. Tell her that you're sorry, but you have too much work to do. And then go over to the grandparents' house and tell them that you can't babysit her anymore, and please not to send her over. Tell them that if you need to talk to her mother, that you will be willing to do that.

And make it stick. The little girl will be sad, but what will most likely happen is that the grandparents won't have her over as much. And that would be good for the little girl.

I would say sorry we can't play today and send her home. You are being taken advantage of. By the adults in charge of this kid. Her coming "to play" for extended amount of time would stop if you told the grandparents you charge x amount to babysit.

There used to be a little girl like that who live on the farm down the road from us. The situation wasn't quite the same, but it was similar. My boys were about 7 and 13, and the girl was 5. Her home life was good, but she loved coming over. My boys liked her, but she just wanted to hang out with me.

I told her she could stay as long as she didn't interfere with my plans. She shadowed me as I did laundry and cooked or cleaned. She was constantly singing or chatting, but didn't need much from me. I always sent her mom a text to let her mom know where she was because she was a flighty thing that would just take off without telling anyone. When I wanted to take a bath or wanted family time, I sent her home. I was honest with her and her parents, and no feelings were hurt.

When the family moved away I missed my little shadow.

i'm sorry, M., but i just don't understand why you've allowed this to become an issue. she's just a little girl. spoiled or not, well-traveled or not, this is not an adult and you can't expect adult responses from her. if she's coming over and taking up all your time and hanging around until 10 at night, it's because you've given her (and her grandparents) the tacit idea that you're great with it.
accusing her of 'manipulating' you is really over the top.
you ARE creating hard feelings. you've created a miserable situation where a little girl is getting villainized because you haven't bothered to let her know what the acceptable parameters are. few people are mind-readers, and small kids in particular should not be expected to intuit what other people expect of them.
i would have zero problem saying to her 'the boys are busy, and so am i. you're welcome to read a book, or sit there and chat with me while i vacuum/cook/dust but i can't stop and play a game with you.' 'we're about to have dinner, it's time for you to run on home now. see you later!' 'sorry you don't want to leave, honey, but you must. off you go! here, take a cookie with you.'
no one can take advantage of you without your permission. this especially applies to lonely little girls.
khairete
S.

But you are causing "hard feelings" already. Oh, not on the part of some neighbors, but within your own sons.

You're telling them that you're willing to sacrifice your responsibilities around the home (laundry, dinners), and your attention to them, and the privacy of your own home, and your loyalty and fierce defense of your family, to a spoiled wandering neighbor child and her neglectful parents and grandparents. They're noticing.

She's not your foster child that you vowed to care for. She's not abused, apparently, and even if she were, you're not in a position, legally, to take her in. True, it's sad that her parents and grandparents have money but not love and time. But it's the parents and grandparents that are manipulating you, not the little girl. She apparently has not been taught rules, restrictions, boundaries and limits by her family. She's pretty young to manipulate, but the grandparents know how convenient you've made things for them!

Help your children learn the difficult lesson of standing up to do what's right, protecting one's family, making the home a welcoming place but one where rules are observed. Demonstrate kindness with boundaries by doing small things - when you bake yummy chocolate chip cookies for your sons, occasionally deliver a small plate to the girl for her to share with her grandparents. At her house. With no invitation attached. Speak kindly about their family and teach your sons the value of family, and teach them how important a parent's time and attention are (much more than money or travel). And defend your own home. Someday when your boys are older, you'll have to establish boundaries that often come with teen boys' friends (helping themselves to enormous quantities of food, rough-housing, objectionable language) and you'll have to say "we don't permit that in our home. You're welcome here, but we don't have open cans of soda in the front room near the grand piano" or whatever. And you'll have started that process now. It seems so innocent. A little girl, doing crafts. What's the harm, right? The harm is in the precedent you're setting, and the hard feelings are developing in your own children.

Please stand up for your family and speak up - firmly but politely. And don't just do it secretly. Tell your sons you were wrong to allow the girl to manipulate you, and tell them you appreciate their insight and tell them you love them. Tell them your home will be a welcoming place where they may bring friends, but there will always be limits and rules (no underage drinking, curfews respected, etc) and there will be food and fun and family and friends. Within reason.

You can send her home, or you can take her home (or call the grandparents) - just say that your boys don't seem to have much in common with this little girl (however old she is), and it doesn't sam to much fun for her. Say you have a full plate of chores and you just aren't available to babysit, especially with no advance request. Just because the grandparents can't put their foot down with their adult child doesn't mean you can't put your foot down with them. Just say I'm sorry, I'd like to help you out, but I just don't have that kind of time. Suggest they find some playmates for her in the neighborhood who are more in sync, or that she be allowed to invite a friend over to Grandma and Grandpa's house. If she shows up at the door, tell her you are sorry but you aren't inviting company in today. If you don't think you can do this directly, drop the grandparents a note. Say less, not more, but be direct and unapologetic. No one can take advantage of your without your permission.

You are not a baby sitter, next time she shows up tell her the kids are busy and she needs to go home, walk her back if she won't go on her own.

Someone taught me once that I am in charge of me. Therefore, when I need to get something done - even if it is painting my nails, or if I am tired and need a nap, and someone wants me to do something, all I need to say is that I have other plans - or I have a meeting - or my time is all scheduled today and I can't help. No one needs to know what the "other plans" are - only that you are otherwise engaged. You don't have to stop her "visiting" all together, but I would definitely put boundaries on the visit.

Updated

Someone taught me once that I am in charge of me. Therefore, when I need to get something done - even if it is painting my nails, or if I am tired and need a nap, and someone wants me to do something, all I need to say is that I have other plans - or I have a meeting - or my time is all scheduled today and I can't help. No one needs to know what the "other plans" are - only that you are otherwise engaged. You don't have to stop her "visiting" all together, but I would definitely put boundaries on the visit.

It is ok if her feelings get hurt! It's ok. Just tell her kindly you have grown up things to do around the house and you cannot play with her anymore. She needs to go find her own things to do. Tell her I'm sorry, my boys do not want to play right now. Tell her at the door, sorry, now is not a good time. Bye. Tell her, I'm just too busy now and I think you need to look for other kids in the neighborhood. See if you can find some girls who want to do what you want to do. Or get your grandparents to invite over another little girl. Bye now. Or tell her, no honey, I cannot play with you anymore. I really need to get my laundry/chores/work done. Or if you let her in and it's obvious your boys do not want to play with her, send her on her way. I'm sorry sweetie, but I think it's time for you to go now. Go see if you can find someone else who will play with you today. Bye! Send her home. Don't wait for her grandparents to come get her at 10pm. She is old enough to walk home. It is not your fault no adult in her family wants to give her time and attention. Really, it's not a grown ups job to play with and entertain a child. I remember plenty of times my brother and I were bored out of our minds. No grown up played with us. We eventually got so bored we would come up with a good idea of something to do. He would find wood and build things. I would spend hours drawing or pretending. Occasionally we would invite over a school friend. Don't worry if she is bored...it's a natural part of being a kid. Don't worry if her parents or grandparents won't play with her. That is OK. She needs to learn how to entertain herself.

Just making sure I understand .. initially she would play with your boys? And now they are no longer interested, so it sounds like you've become her friend.

You say that she can be fun ... so I would just limit the time. If you had an adult friend come over for coffee, and they stay past their welcome, you just say or "well, I really must get back to my work ..." - you just do the same with the little girl. Tell her it was great visiting - see you next time.

She can handle it. Kids do. What they can't is when someone is mean to them without them understanding why. So don't be mean, be kind but firm, and it will be fine.

If she won't leave when time is up, then say if she wants to come back to visit, she has to follow your rules.

I find having "house rules" are very helpful in situations like this. Kids get it - even if they don't have them at home, they have them at school, etc. You say you wouldn't do this for your boys - then don't do it for her. Just because she's a guest - doesn't mean she gets to do what she likes. You are the mom/adult. It's never too late to enforce rules :) I also find it makes it less personal.

Good luck :)

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, it's so nice of you that you have done this so far for the little girl. And the fact that you have may make it more surprising to the grandparents when you suddenly announce, "I need to tell you I'm no longer able to babysit your granddaughter. She's a joy, but I'm way too busy. Maybe we can arrange a couple of short play dates in future, I'll let you know when my schedule clears up!" But that's OK if it's surprising!

Go straight to the grandparents so they don't let her show up at the door. If she shows up anyway, walk her back to their house with a big, confident smile and return her as per what you said.

These people probably have no idea it's inconvenient for you and just think, "Phew, we lucked out that the nice neighbor loves having our little sweetie over so much!" so of course they won't stop the behavior. It makes no difference where the child would RATHER be. It's not your fault her parents and grandparents ignore her. They won't if they can't. And if they CAN'T manage her, then her well-traveled parents will need to hire someone. Meanwhile her grandparents are the guardians designated by her parents. No one hired you and no one is paying you. This is not your job.

It's always hard to disappoint people, but you'll have to do it. Anyone who would dare hold this against you is nuts. If they get cranky that you retire from watching their child all day all the better. You really can't continue to do this, so the less they like you the better if it comes to that.

You have trouble with "no". Your boys are watching you get trampled. If you can't start off with "Stop sending her here" because it's too uncomfortable for you to face the grandparents and the ire of a child when you're not used to saying no, then start with, "I'll bring her back in 2 hours." or "I'll take you back home in two hours." Once you see that people actually follow the lines you draw (and if the kids throws a fit, so what) then you'll feel confident the next time around to say, "Not today, hunny, sorry" and then drag her home crying by one arm if needed. The next time you can say, "I'll be busy all week" and wean them off. But honestly, a good solid rule set for the grandparents will work fine. You can do it.

SHE IS MANIPULATING YOU. I really didn't notice my son or boys acting so sly, but girls are pretty good at it. It does not be she is an abnormal child.

Maybe her grandparents are not acting as her personal servant as you do, so they are awful in her eyes. Stop encouraging this child to act this way. She is now thinking you are 'normal' and their behavior is not normal. You should not be with this child until 10pm at night. If they do not call you by dinner time (assuming it is before 7pm) you should call them to come and get her. They really should be ashamed of taking advantage of you. I am actually embarrassed for them.

The only people concerned about hard feeling should be the parents and grandparents. They are 10 times worse than the child for allowing her to take advantage of you. They owe you a big apology. Tell them that she is fun to have around, yet you can not entertain her all day and she does not want to help with chores, so she needs to go back home.

Hopefully you are not one of those people who say to the grandparents or parents. "I just love having her over and it is no inconvenience." If you are saying something different than what you feel, you need to work on that. Some people do not catch on that you might be being nice, but not honest.

edit: I forgot the obvious as Margie pointed out. Tell her the house rules and what the consequences are for not following. The consequence should be not able to play at your house if rules are not followed. It worked like a charm when I had a neighbor boy coming over all the time uninvited and poor behavior. It was amazing how much better he was when i gave him strict parameters.

edit: Doris make a good point about say 'babysit' to the grandparents. She is not on a playdate and you are not free to leave your home should you want to (assuming the boys are with a friend or plan to go with you).

edit: Suz T. also made a good point that the little girl is not being a villain (I do think manipulation is the correct word, but like the word 'discriminate' they are often perceived as negative). This little girl wants to do want she wants to do and no adult is saying 'no' or setting boundaries.

I would tell her, "Sally, the boys are playing their own game and I don't have time for crafts today. I'm sorry, but you need to head home and come back tomorrow (or call or whatever you want her to do)".

She sounds like a very lonely little girl. It's sad when kids are in their parents way but it's good she has you even though she is getting to be too much to deal with. I wouldn't stop what I am doing for her. I would tell her that I have to take care of my home and if she would like to help fine but I can't entertain you all day. Tell her she can't have your constant attention because you have a family who needs you. I would let her know that she is welcome but on my terms not hers. Good luck!!!

You don't have to invite her in. When my kids don't want to play, they just say so and the kid goes home. There is no way I'd invite a kid in and then be the one to play with/amuse them. I have my own things to do.

You have all the control in this situation. It is only an issue if you allow it to be one.

When she comes over, if your boys don't want to play, just tell her "Not today" and send her home. It is not your job to entertain her.

Oh my, bless your heart for caring for this lonely little girl, but she is not your responsibility. I think it's great you spend time with her, but there have to be limits! I can't help but chuckle a little bit at the picture of this little girl bossing around an adult, demanding a whole day's worth of interaction, not even "allowing" the adult to get chores done.

Your house has a front door that locks right? Go ahead and put that to use.

You know where she lives? Walk her home after an hour of play, saying anything you want to her "buts".

"But I want to play more."

"Sorry honey, I have to entertain a green monster family at 5."

"But my home life is so sad."

"I know sweetheart. But I have to clean my roof tiles now. I'll see you next time."

If she absolutely refuses the first time you put your foot down, have a fake planned appointment, and gather all your children to the car. Drive away. She will get used to the boundaries, she will go back home.

You have gotten a lot of good responses on here about how to either handle her when she is in your home, or how to send her back to the grandparents firmly, or a combination of both.

The thing that jumps out at me is what I'd call a bigger-picture problem: You write, " I have known this family for years and we are fairly close." You might have "known" them for years but you aren't actually close enough to speak up. Why? Why the fear over hurting feelings when they have shown no consideration for yours? What would you lose if you lost the friendship of these four adults, the parents and grandparents?

It just seemed odd that you characterized the relationship with the other family as somewhat close yet you have never just taken her back home and said, we're done for today, and please don't send her over again this week. You can do that with actual friends, which this family is not. Real friends would not use you this way. And do you want to maintain a friendship with adults who think it's fine to foist their child onto you, into the night? I pity the girl, but she's her parents' to raise, not yours.

Surely your kids have activities outside school to get to, and your older son has more homework, and you have things to do (and doing your laundry or cooking is as valid a reason to say "No" as anything else). Say with a smile, but frankly, "Sorry, we're too busy today, and you know--Sally was here all day on Tuesday. All day isn't going to work for us now because Son has Activity X and homework and we're just too busy from now on."

How old is this child?